princepesa2

Swingfox, Do you think that a guy going through this self-discovery period would ever think of going back to the relationship after trying new things? I'm trying not to hold on to too much hope in my own situation, but do you think that it's possible that someone after going through this growth period might re-consider a past relationship if they realize they want what they had when they were younger and not ready for it? I'm also still curious to hear from others who might have experienced something similar.

I was just wondering if some of the men on this forum could give me some insight and share their own experience of where they were at in their early twenties in terms of life goals, relationship needs, ideas about marriage and kids. Also, given the following situation and experiences, how might you react if you were in your early twenties?: You had only experienced 2 relationships, (your only sexual experiences were with these 2 women), you had never lived on your own (left home to move in with one of these women - your girlfriend), you were fresh out of college and starting a promising career (making lots of cash), things in your relationship were starting to feel a little stagnant/boring after so much time together. Then your girlfriend tells you she wants the relationship to progress and to get married sometime in the next few years... would you panic? I'm sure the answers are obvious, but I was just wondering if other men could relate to this or if they would react differently in the same situation.

I am in a very difficult position right now. My ex left me about three months ago, ending a 6 year relationship. Throughout our relationship we had developed close friendships with the same circle of people. Recently I have decided to not have any contact with my ex because it's just too painful and confusing. But as a result, I'm unable to see most of my friends, and I'm no longer invited to any parties or get-togethers. I've tried talking to them and asking that they make some separate time for me, which they agreed to. But for the past while they have stopped calling me and when I do call them they always have plans to do something with my ex involved. I do have other friends I could hang out with, but they're not as close to me. I know I should sit down and talk to these friends again to explain how this is affecting me (causing a lot more loneliness than I need right now) but I feel like they just don't get it. They seem to think that I shouldn't have a problem seeing my ex anymore because a few months have gone by and we have had contact with each other in-between that was on friendly terms. He doesn't have a problem seeing me, so I guess they're assuming there's no reason I should have problems with it. Any advice on how to get through to my friends that I'm trying to do what's best/healthiest for me right now and I really need more support from them?

Hi Knctrnl22, I don't mean this to sound harsh, but it sounds as though you are playing the same game she is -- trying to avoid being honest with each other. By this I mean your reaction to her: If you want her to be honest with you, then you do have to take the risk of being honest with her too. And whatever answer she gives you, you have to be prepared to accept it as truth. She may have been honest with you already when she said she didn't think she had feelings for you. You will have to respect whatever answer she gives you (even if her actions seem to speak otherwise). And if her answer really is no, I don't have feelings for you, then it would probably be best that you cut contact with her for a while to give yourself time to heal. Being around her in that case would just confuse you and prolong the pain. Good-luck with everything.

Camus, I think what you're going through is quite normal, but maybe you could explain a bit more about what's been happening in your life? I have often had to face fears in my life that I never knew were there, but I think sometimes these fears have always been with us just lurking under the surface waiting to come out (especially when we're under stress or have undergone a traumatic experience). I would really like to know a bit more about your situation though, maybe I can shed better light...

Do you feel anxious while you're talking to her, or is it after you've hung up the phone? If your conversations are causing you a lot of stress (i.e. you're trying to analyze what she said, why she's calling, what does this mean, etc.) then maybe it's for the best that you don't take her calls right now. On the other hand, if you feel that you can handle talking to her as a friend, then you should probably just go ahead and do what feels right at the time. It's very natural for you to want to sound interesting and desirable to your ex (even if you don't want to get back with her). The anxiety/nervousness will probably pass with time. Just make sure that you're not causing yourself undue stress! Personally, I couldn't do it. I know that I can't handle talking to my ex right now because it's all too fresh. Everytime I did talk to him, our conversation would be running through my head for days afterwards, driving me crazy. So I had to stop. Hope your experience is better!

I think you're already doing the right things. Being with friends/family as well as meeting new people will re-affirm that you have other important and fulfilling things going on in your life than just what you had with your ex. I'm curious as to why you said "moving on with life without a significant other"?. Are you in a frame of mind that says you won't ever have another significant other in your life? If that's the case, I think it's important to remind yourself that there will come a time when you will meet somebody else just as wonderful, if not better. Or if you have chosen never to have a signficant other again (for fear of getting hurt?) than maybe establishing closer friendships is the way to go for you (although I personally don't think it's an exact substitute). I found that involving myself in new activities where you are around other people (taking a class, joining a gym, doing volunteer work) has helped me a lot.

I know what you mean Baffler. I did read your post before and related to it quite a bit (my ex left me quite suddenly and with very little explanation). I hope you've been doing better lately. I've also been thinking that the next time I get into a relationship it will be through a friendship that develops into more. Unfortunately, up until now all of my friends were/are my ex's friends too. So I'm trying to meet new people to have fun with (hopefully with shared interests). Thanks for both of your replies, I'm going to try to keep an open mind.

Anybody else have a fear of dating? I just got out of a 6 year relationship a few months ago. I haven't of course been dating in the past 6 years (since I was 19). I was asked out on a date today, and now I'm nervous/ slightly regretting that I said yes and gave the guy my number. It's not just that I'm still grieving the loss of my ex, I have full intentions of telling this new guy that I'm not ready to get into a relationship, just want to meet interesting people to hang out with. I'm also a bit nervous about going out with this guy because he's atleast 5 years older than me (I'm guessing) and my ex was a few years younger than me. I don't have many older male friends, so I don't know what to expect from an older guy (i.e. what do men in their early 30's look for in women generally, what are their expectations from a date?) Seems a little naive, I know, but I'm really inexperienced at the single / dating lifestyle.

Hey Butter_fly, Don't feel so alone in this. There are lots of people who feel exactly the same way you do. But you should feel happy with your body no matter what size. All sizes, shapes and colours are beautiful. You should try though and explain to your friend how you feel. She might understand if you gave her a chance. If you don't feel comfortable talking to her about it though, ask her to take you shopping along Queen St. W. There are tons of funky stores that sell clothing in all sizes. If you've never been down that way, it's also just a fun area to walk around in. Or maybe you could suggest that you two do other things together that you both could enjoy? Take care of yourself and respect yourself - inside and out.

I know exactly what you mean. My ex broke up with me and moved out of our apartment. After three months, I asked him to come pick up the rest of his stuff and return some of the things I had left at his parent's house. He did finally pick up his stuff, but neglected to return any of my things. I've decided to let the stuff go for now (even though some of it is valuable and important to me). I'm sure I'll get it back eventually. Maybe you should try asking one of his friends to collect the box for you? That way he wouldn't be able to play the same mind games with you. He can't make the same excuses/cancellations on them as he can with you (they would certainly call him on it if they know him well enough). Hope that helps a little. Don't worry, you're not the only crazy one.

I don't know for sure that he's doing it on purpose. I honestly think it's just coincidence in a lot of cases that we run into each other so often. I almost feel like I have to move to a different city to get my space! I also don't think that he does want to be with me anymore. He was truthful enouugh to realize that he doesn't want the same things as me in the first place (i.e. marriage, kids, etc.) I don't see how that could change in three months?

I'm wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation as mine and might have some advice / insight as to how to handle it. It's a rather long story, but I'll try to give you the shortened version. My boyfriend and I had been together for almost six years and had been living together over the past year. It was a great relationship in many respects, but he is two years younger than me and is not ready for some of the future commitment / marriage things that I want. He came to realize this on his own and broke up with me three months ago. We didn't have any contact with each other for the first month after our break-up. He moved out of the apartment to stay with his parents. Shortly thereafter we started to run into each other at parties, etc (most of the people we hang out with are mutual friends). We had a short and difficult talk about trying to remain friends, but I felt that I needed some more time and space to get over the break-up. He seemed to respect my wishes and said he would give me more time. The confusing part is that even after this discussion, we kept running into each other "accidentally" (we live in a big city so it shouldn't be difficult to avoid each other). I'm avoiding all of the regular spots that we used to hang out at, but I keep seeing him on the street or driving by as I'm walking somewhere. He always stops to talk to me and has even offered to drive me places. I know he's been asking our mutual friends about what I'm doing, who I'm seeing, etc. I'm trying to keep my distance, but I feel like I can't get away from him for any length of time in order to get over the break-up. Anyone been in a similar situation?