Hello...
I feel kind of silly writting this here... but I feel as though I have no one else to talk to about this. And it's not even something that is all that major either... i just like to make mountains out of mole hills. But I'll give it a shot anyhow.
Well, I don't exactly have the ideal body type. I'm quite aware of that. And i have been trying so hard to slim down, and become a healthier person. I went close shopping last week and I was delighted to find out that I dropped four sizes. That was pretty cool. As I have been doing this I was also finding a lot of self confidence that I never really had. Things were going great.
However, I left a few days ago to spend a week in Toronto, Canada with one of my really close friends. We have been keeping in touch, and the new me that i have been working hard to get was shining through in our telephone calls, and letters. But when I got here things are a different story.
I seem to have reverted back into the person that I was before I started making all these changes in myself. And to top it all off, I feel as though any improvements I made seem to have flown out the window. We went shopping at the Eaton's Center. (Even though I have droped in size, I still have some to go) And there are hardly any stores that have sizes available to me. My friend is a size one. So we go into these stores, and the sales ladies look through me, to her and ask her what they could do for her. It's either that or I get these looks saying "Why are you here? You know perfectly well that none of our clothes would fit you."
It's like all my past insecurites came rushing back. And my friend, she's sweet but sometimes really naive. She tries to encourage me to try on these really cool clothes... but she just doesn't understand that they don't have my size. Of course she doesn't really know how painful going through this for me is. I can't talk to her about this. She just wouldn't understand.
She's gone for a while... and I have a few hours to myself... and I can't help but feeling so incredably alone in this. I know that most people don't think that this would be such a big deal... but it is to me. I had thought that I dealt with these emotions earlier. But they seemed to have reared their ugly head, and are back. I have no idea how to get rid of these emotions... Lord knows I have tried.
I don't really know what I expect from any of y'all either... it's just a comfort to type it all out...
