vitalcoaching

Hi couragous, Here are a couple of ideas about this situation you encountered a month ago. Dating or flirting with someone who was your friend's partner is okay. Your friend does not owe your life or his life. You are both free! She might show some resistance for you dating him but she would get jealous with any girl, so consider yourself free! You are free and so is he! This is important! It is about your love live, and feelings. Now, you seem to both like each other but at the same time don't take action because you feel you are not allowed to. Remove any feeling of guilt or shame and flirt with him if you want to. You don't have to suppress any of what you feel. Don't make it heavy though. Don't go into serious "dating" conversations, talking about his ex or anything along that line. Now, it is about you two, not about her anymore! Keep it light and fun and enjoy the flirt for what it is. There is no shame and no guilt in expressing openly what is happening. Why does he ask you about this other guy? Maybe because he cares as a friend or more. It's normal to be interested in what happens in your life. Don't go too fast with interpreting something like that though. He is not asking you out, simply being interested, so take it lightly and don't use his remark as a reason to back off and stop flirting with that other guy. Keep your options open. Your life belongs to you and you are free to do what you want with it. It is your choice no one else's Good luck and Enjoy! vitalcoach

Hi, a quick answer to your question... When a guy flirts, it does usually mean that he likes you. Now flirting, means only that: Flirt. He is not saying: "I am madly in love and want to spend the rest of my life with you". He is saying: "let's relate to each other in a playful and light way". It is not really an invitation for more, simply a way of enjoying each other's company right there right now. Expect nothing more than that. As Muneca says he does have a girl friend and talks a lot about her, so it is preety clear. If you are looking for a potential serious date, true, play safe and keep looking. You'll make sure that no one (specially you) gets hurt. Good luck and enjoy vitalcoach

Hi, Have a minute? A couple more ideas on the topic. Guys love confident girls. It is true that a girl who is not challenging in any way will quickly sound boring or average. I know it is tough but it is the same the other way round. Wussies are not attractive. They sound weak and surrendered. Wussies will become your best friend but for a lover, you'll look usually further. You'll look for passion and confidence, right? So, as a girl you can keep on questioning it or you can simply go with the flow and give guys what they want. If you are in doubt, try and experiment. Dating attitudes are like a shirt you put on. All are authentic. They are all you! You simply decide what role you want to play in a guy's life. You try things and see what works and what doesn't. You will notice that what often emerges are power games. If a guy is an easy "catch" strangely enough you loose interest very fast. It is instinctual. Have you seen a cat playing with a mouse? It's the same type of game. They pretend the mouse will run and then catch it again. Why is that? Because it wakes up thrill and excitement. It wakes up challenge, thrill, conquering drive, etc. Why do people compete in sports? Because competing wakes up energy in your system, in your mind in your body. It makes you feel alive! It is thrilling! If you compete and always win easily, you loose interest and in a way don't expand your potential. On the other hand, if you are challenged, it forces you to go deeper and surpass yourself. Suppose you have to cross a land. You have a challenging path which goes through the mountain picks and another easy path going through the valley. Walking through the valley will be just a walk. Now, heading for the summits which will be a thrilling survival experience you'll later share with your friends. Dating works in a similar way. If your target is too easy and misses this dimension of challenge, you tend to loose interest. There are different ways to challenge a guy. There are different ways to wake up excitement and thrill in him. Now, if you see guys attracted to certain feminine styles, learn from it and expand your skills. Try it and see what works. It is human nature and it is there for a reason. Dare to play the game! You'll be amazed of what happens when you do. Good luck and enjoy! vitalcoach

Hi, No need to make concessions. Trust your instincts! Being with someone is a love and passion decision, not a mental, rational or practical one. The first level of security you want to find is in love, not material. You just ended a relationship which did not give you what you were worth. Don't make the concession of aiming too low. If you are not attracted, keep your options open and find someone you will truly get excited in dating. You don't have to cut the contact all at once, simply stay in touch wth that man, find the exact way you can relate to him in a harmonious way (be firm with your boundaries) and keep on searching and dating other men. Keep your options open. YOU ARE FREE. If he behaves possessive, then put even more distance until he realizes he has no right over your life. Remember, you are in charge! You decide! Will you meet someone better? Sure you will! Trust your instincts! Good luck and enjoy! vitalcoach

Hi Lorider, The net works wonders. I know dozens of people who found their dates on dating sites. If you have any resistance for going that way, double check it! Real people! Real lives! It is exciting because you can get in touch with many interesting people in no time. (it's not very different from posting a message on this forum) You have great control. If you don't like someone, you just block them from contacting you. It is easy and direct. The public place thing (cafe, pub, party, etc) is a good option but most of the times, you have too little choices and it can go very, very slow... With the net you can check people's profiles, get an idea of what they want and see if you would be a good match. Nowadays, dating without going online is like living without a cell phone. Dating sites do multiply your potential and results by 10 instantly. Are there any risks online? Tell you the truth, it's 10 times more risky to sit alone at a cafe than to be online at home in front of your computer. It's like everywhere, you might come accross a guy who behaves like a jerk. Now, if this happens at a party, this guy will be right in front of you. On the net, it is much simpler: you delete their message and block them from contacting you again in the future. It is simple and direct. If you didn't try, my advice is register for free profile and get a taste of how it works and how it feels. Here are a couple of places to get you started (you can post a profile and communicate for free with other members straight away): link removed link removed link removed There are literally hundreeds of them, so do some reserach and find an option that you like. The best is to step in and get familiar with the environment. After a week or so, if you haven't been contacted, start sending some light messages, winks, etc. No need to force it. It happens naturally. By the way, I am not at discarding the "live options". Joining a theater group and other such activities are great. It's good to try different things and see what works for you. Again, the difference between net and live is like the difference between meeting in person or talking on the phone. You can go and meet your friend somewhere or you can grab your cell phone and send them a Text message. Both work. They smply complement each other. Don't discard any option, otherwise you'll limit your window of opportunities. The best way to find out what works for you is to try and experiment. If you step back, hesitate and keep thinking about it without taking action, you'll miss opportunities. Good luck and enjoy! vitalcoach

Hi Greenie, I agree with Furious_sam: treat him like a normal guy. Stop worshiping him like a God and bring him down from the altar where you put him. You are as good or even better than he is. Right now, there is too much at stake: you have very high expectations. You imagine the two of you of you together, can see how perfect this would be, etc. In fact, you go too fast. The first step is to establish a connection in whatever way: complicity, flirt, etc. No dating, no serious conversation. What happened in the first contact was perfect in itself. It was okay! Nothing to worry about. What you want is to establish frequent contacts in whatever way: eye contact, say "hi", "how are you today" when you see him, simple things. Let him notice that you check him out. Don't embarrass him in public though. Keep it subtle. Keep this game on the light flirting ground. Don't focus on dating him or "securing" a relationship with him. Focus on fun and light flirt first. How do you flirt? Forget about what others think or say, dare to play the game. Let him see or notice that you like him. Let him notice that you check him out. At the same time, show him that you are free and enjoying your life as it is. Initiate contact some times but don't look like you are simply available waiting for him to "rescue" you from your life. Keep the mystery alive! Don't unveil everything. By the way, rather than relying on others gossiping or hoping he will get the word that you are single, establish direct contacts with him. Make a move, break through and then step back and let him take a step or respond in his own time. If you feel you said something silly or behaved in a stupid way, forgive yourself and try again. No one is perfect! Imperfections are cute! Trust your instinct and respond to opportunities on the spot when you see them rather than thinking about it or hoping someone else will do the work for you. Flirting is a state of mind. Think about it day and night If you are not sure of your moves, practice with a non threateining targets ("male victim" ) flirting online on dating sites is a great way to develop some new flirting skills. See it as a life territory you want to master and conquer. Enjoy and good luck! vitalcoach

Hi Hillarie, Wonder how things evolved since you posted this message. Here are some more ideas and tips about your situation. What you describe is a flirting game. He teases you, seeks contact and at the same time keeps it light hearted. The "hooking you up with someone" thing is his way of showing he cares. Sometimes guys try to be your best friend rather than your lover. They go for being your confident rarther than your partner. It looks like this is his natural style. His way of approaching you. That way you don't feel pressure or demand from him and he kindly shows you that he respects your freedom and wants the best for you. If you work together, there is always some taboo or resistance surrounding this type of work place romance. He obviously does not want to be seen as your partner. He does feel comfortable with you but at the same time he does not initiate a connection the way a lover would do. What do to? My advice is: Keep it going on the same line: light hearted flirt. Next time you are in a pub or neutral place (not office or work environment) initiate a slightly more intimate contact. Touch his arm, create complicity, etc. without ever claiming him or his full attention in any way. If he knows he can be and feel free around you, he will have no problem spending more time with you. Now, if he feels any form of pressure or demand coming from your side, he will back off. I think that the place you are in right now is great and full of potential. I can see it growing and expanding in greater levels of complicity. Play the game. It will open up new doors of complicity where the possibility of intimacy might naturally arise. Next time you go for a drink, say something like: "My turn to hook you up with someone... let's see..." It does not mean that you wish to bring him to bed with another woman, it means that you are not there to claim him and that you do respect his freedom. The base you are in is an excellent one. You are on the right track! Enjoy it for what it is. Take every moment with him as a gift without expecting anything for the future. As soon as you focus on the moment, you drop any sense of pressure and enjoy this complicity for what it is. Take care and good luck! vitalcoach

Hi Lillady, Hope things are going well since you posted this. Here are some extra tips if you are still loking for ideas. Before you even speak to him, there is a direct way to build up excitement and attraction with him. Eye contact works wonders! Truly. You probably know this but make it obvious that you check him out. Let him notice and do that again every time you see him. Don't stare, simply sustain eye contact for a couple of seconds and smile. This will intrigue him and make him want to know you. Once you establish complicity that way, the next steps usually unfold naturally. No need to rush into it. Let the attraction build up. Next thing, say "Hi" when passing by next to him. These little signs have huge impact. Play that flirting game for a couple of weeks and he'll be in heaven the moment he sees you walking to him. Don't rush it, give it time and space to build up naturally. He might altogether take the lead... Good luck and enjoy! vitalcoach

True Krisco, Someone who starts behaving complicate, demanding or controlling after one date is not a good sign. It is a warning. You get turned on by the idea of doing something really nice for him and he responds like a jerk. In my opinion, it is plain rude. Don't answer and don't call back. No need even to justify yourself. Don't stay around anyone who treats you like that. There is plenty of guys out there who are respectful and will be delighted to respect your space and freedom. After one date, you are free. He has no right to claim any part of your time, life, actions, who you see or not see. Take it as a learning experience and go for guys who do respect you fully from the start Take care and enjoy! vitalcoach

Good luck!

Hi meant_to_love, Your attitude is really good! You go for it! Congratulations for that. I'll be direct, okay? Your "window of opportunity" might be a bit small. There are lots of things which have to work out all at once: he must like you, want to go to this dance party, be free on that day, be in the mood, be free (not daing anyone), not have other worries in his mind, and not be intimidated by you. It is good to be aware of all these elements. You feel inspired right now, so go for it. Simply have a couple of strategies in case he does not go ahead with it: For instance if he says "no I can't" remember that there can be dozens of reasons not to go which have nothing to do with you. Take it lightly and try it out without having too high expectations. There are many ways to ask him. Here is a good one: Simply walk to him, say "hi", ask him about his day and how he is enjoying it, smile, be super confident, and after a minute of small talk, say something like: "There is this Sadies thing on March 11, have you heard of it? It's a cool party, lots of fun... what do you do on that day? Do you have plans, yet?" I thinks this is a gentle approach with a nice build up which gives him space to back up any time if he wants to. Be spontaneous and if you feel he is too busy or is worried about something else, back off for a moment. It's all about timing, so make sure he is not too busy with what he is supposed to be doing at that moment... Good luck, enjoy and go for it!!! vitalcoach

Hi Lilred, In most cases, a guy who is interested would have called within one week. Now, there is are small chance that he lost your number for instance or that something got on the way or that his mind was busy with something else. If he does not respond within a week, you can give it one more try, simply to double check. If you have his number or email, you can contact him and say something like: "I am about to go downtown... Want to meet me there for a drink?" Don't mention the fact that he did not call. Don't demand, question or look offended. Simply give him another honest chance. Sometimes, a guy won't call becasue he is shy or does not have the guts. Remember, guys hate rejection. Sometimes, they prefer simply not taking the risk rather than looking like a fool. Give him another honest open light chance. This will clear your questions and make sure you don't miss a chance because of a misunderstanding. Good luck and enjoy! vitalcoach

Hi QTpie87, Back to your original question... Here is a suggestion. What works really well is next time you talk about a movie you would both like to see, simply say: "Do you want to see it together?" This is not an "official date" with all the planning. It is an invitation to share an extra moment in a casual way. It is a perfect way to build up complicity and shift the whole "asking him" out thing without taking too much risk. How do you do that? You get ready for this type of opportunities to show up more often... If it's not a movie, it will be a drink. If it's not a drink, it will be a party at some friends. Any occasion is good. What matters is that you seize the occasion when it arizes. See the opportunity and go for it! Dare! If you miss an occasion, forgive yourself... You'll grab the next one! If he can't or doen't respond to your invitation let it go straight away and change topic. That way, you'll avoid anything awkward silence. If he does not go with it the first time, don't worry. It means nothing. Give him a week or so. He might be thinking about it and if you take the initiative again too soon, you might sound pushy. Taking the initiative and trusting your instinct when the moment is right will give you a huge confidence boost, guaranteed! If your proposition merges with the flow of the conversation, it will sound like the next natural thing to do. This strategy works wonders! Good luck and enjoy! vitalcoach

Hi mildgentleone, Here are some extra answers Yes, they want to! (it flatters them) Does it work for you? No it doesn't! It is actually a turn off. When you puruse, you sound needy or desperate. Yes, it flatters guys but it does not bring you where you want to be: Having and equal connection one on one with a guy. When you pursue, it creates an unbalance of power, you keep on feeding and the guy simply steps back and waits for your praising attention. After a while, you run out of energy. There is a much better strategy: Take one step forward, give him something and then step back and give him space to respond. If he does not respond, take this as a sign. You know where you two could be, you can see the potential but the truth is that it takes two to tango. Let them do their part. Same story: if you systematically intiate the call, then it's not agood sign either. If you call him once, then give him space to initiate himself. This gives rhythm. If he is not a "phone" or a "text" person respect that and let him choose how he wants to connect with you. If he does not call you but pays you a surprise visit at 10pm, respect that. That's his way of connecting. If you are "light dating", a couple of connections a week sounds like a good rhythm. A TXT message a day, you start sounding really needy. 3 messages a day sound like despair. Again, if he responds and initiates the connection as well, that's no problem. Now, if you are the one and only taking all these steps it quickly becomes and invasion of his space. Even if a guy loves you, he still wants to keep space for extra social connections, focus on his studies or work and have other activities. When you feed a connection too much, you end up asphixiating the relationship and passion and desire dry out. If you get a feeling that this is happening, take a step back, trust and let him respond in his own time Enjoy and good luck! vitalcoach

hi, If you don't feel the thrill with this "gentle guy" it simply might be too much of hard work. It is like dancing. If you try to dance salsa with a guy who doesn't know the moves or misses the confidence, you have to educate him and do all the work. It can be too demanding. Trust your passion and follow your instinct. If you are looking for a strong confident guy, he doesn't need to be bad. There is lots of strong confident guys who have the edge and are caring as well. I feel that what you must learn is to design clearer boundaries. Even a bad guy can be educated. You simply have to tell him, when he crosses the line. Setting up clear limits is immensely empowering and there is always a way to get you message through. Show him exactly how to respect your limits. It's essential you don't go with everything which is proposed to you. You can be in touch with guys who wake up excitement in you and respect your limits as well. Simply dare to express your power and they'll give you the space and respect you deserve. I know it is a challenge, but if you learn this skill now, it's something you will remember for the rest of your life. Trust yourself! Follow your passion and at the same time make sure that those you connect to respect every aspect of your being. You are in charge of your life and you are the one who decides where you want to go. No one else has the right to do that for you Take care and good luck vitalcoach