Weird situation with a boyfriend of 3 months

I am a single woman in her mid 30s living in a small town without many dating options. I haven't been in the relationship in about 4 years.

About 3 months ago I met a guy that lives about an hour away. Physical attraction was really strong and we started sleeping together nearly right away. He told me that he is looking for a relationship and that he really likes me. It seemed like a dream come true. He messaged me every day telling me how much he misses me and thinks about me when we are apart.

I noticed from the start that I was doing most of the talking. I didn't mind at the start because I like talking about myself. I also thought he was a bit shy and will take a while to open up. In time, I ended up running out of stories to share about my past/present. Somehow whenever I talked, he wouldn't offer more than a short generic comment and conversation would quickly die down. He never seemed to share much in return. When I asked him a question, he would offer a brief response. We almost never went on a conversational tangents that I am so used to when conversing with other people. He also seemed to not enjoy doing things outside of the house. He seemed truly enthusiastic only before/during sex.

Still, I wouldn't say that he just wants sex. We still did outdoorsy things that I suggested. He would often buy me flowers and other small gifts and was always eager to hang out. He introduced me to some of his friends and we would post sweet things on each other social networking sites. He never even so much as re-scheduled a date or went a day without initiating contact.

About a month ago I decided to talk to him about the lack of him opening up and one sided conversation. He seemed really distressed and didn't want to lose me. He said it's just his natural personality but he will really try to open up. Few times I saw him after that, things seemed better and he was more engaging and talkative. However, not long after we again hit the same conversational wall and awkward silences. When I didn't try to break the silence, it would last for ages. We also don't have many things in common. We like different foods, music, movies. However we share some of bigger values in life.

I am now trying to decide what to do. I am not sure if this is something that would get better in time or is simply lack of chemistry. I really long to connect to a partner on more than a sexual level. It all feels a bit empty. Still I am afraid to lose a good guy due to something that's maybe trivial?

What do you guys think is a problem here?

Simple lack of chemistry. And he is in his 30's ---- he isn't going to become Chatty Charlie.

What you have on your hands now is a boyfriend. He sounds like a nice guy. He may be a little introverted but he sounds interested, he's doing things that show his interest in you. Why do you feel awkward when he's not talking? How does he feel about the silences?

If you have an expectation that he's going to communicate with you the same way your female friends would, then you're going to be disappointed nearly every time.

This happens and it does suck to connect on some levels but not deep enough to satisfy you.

Have tried getting a common interest or two so you have something to talk about?

I kind of get the feeling he doesn't open up because he is afraid of saying something you will not agree with and start to see him in a different light. He could be ashamed of his past, embarrassed or something else.

I can be quiet at times but it doesn't mean anything like I am disinterested.

I wouldn't give up just yet but I would let him know communication and shared interests is important to you in a relationship.

Lost

His way of communicating is not yours. As noted above, he is not one of your girlfriends.

My wife has noticed that I really hate to talk on the phone. It doesn't matter if it is her, my mom, my kids, etc. I'm done after 2 minutes. But I can carry a conversation longer than that at a social gathering.

As for having common interests. It is pretty typical that men and women do not like the same movies. Have you met a guy that would like to rent "The Notebook" on a Saturday night? Conversely, will most women choose "Terminator 3" over "The Notebook"? I doubt it, but the men would.

This is who he is. You're not a match.

If communication is important to you (and it seems that it is), this isn't the guy for you.

I disagree with the posters who said 'he is not one of your girlfriends'...gender has nothing to do with someone being a good conversationalist.

I've had some of the most interesting conversations of my life with ex bf's and my ex husband, too. Sure, they weren't about make-up, boys or diets (I DID have my girlfriends for that) but they were about everything else.

A nice guy + good sex do not a good relationship make. Sad but true.

This is who he is. You're not a match.

I don't see how can anyone enjoy sitting in dead silence. It's like he is lacking the very basic communication skills. At the same time, he is very affectionate and open about his feelings for me. Just strange.

I don't see how can anyone enjoy sitting in dead silence. It's like he is lacking the very basic communication skills. At the same time, he is very affectionate and open about his feelings for me. Just strange.

He sounds like a sweet guy, but you need to think long-term. Can you handle all of these lulls?

Don't settle.

If a man is lacking in basic communication skills, I personally would have a hard time dating him.

I once dated a guy who I thought was just quiet. He was one of 9 kids, figured ---- some of them had to be the quiet ones.

He was a chef and a musician.

Turns out ----- he was quiet because he had nothing to say. No interests outside of work and music.

He was very affectionate. And cooked a hell of a dinner. I didn't last 3 months before I was bored to tears.

Shorthaired.

You'd be amazed at the number of people who can enjoy sitting in dead silence. In fact it is an excellent practice as it allows you to "listen" to the silence and put one's thoughts in order. I like sitting in silence.

If communication is important to you (and it seems that it is), this isn't the guy for you.

 

I disagree with the posters who said 'he is not one of your girlfriends'...gender has nothing to do with someone being a good conversationalist.

I've had some of the most interesting conversations of my life with ex bf's and my ex husband, too. Sure, they weren't about make-up, boys or diets (I DID have my girlfriends for that) but they were about everything else.

 

A nice guy + good sex do not a good relationship make. Sad but true.

Yes, it sucks.

I actually have more male than female friends. I can talk to male friends for hours about anything. I am not a girly girl that enjoys talking about shopping and make up. I want to be able to discuss people, world events, work, movie plots, thoughts, fears, anything.

if a man is lacking in basic communication skills, i personally would have a hard time dating him.

 

I once dated a guy who i thought was just quiet. He was one of 9 kids, figured ---- some of them had to be the quiet ones.

He was a chef and a musician.

 

Turns out ----- he was quiet because he had nothing to say. No interests outside of work and music.

 

He was very affectionate. And cooked a hell of a dinner. I didn't last 3 months before i was bored to tears.

lol!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, it sucks.

 

I actually have more male than female friends. I can talk to male friends for hours about anything. I am not a girly girl that enjoys talking about shopping and make up. I want to be able to discuss people, world events, work, movie plots, thoughts, fears, anything.

 

 

Short, You need to find some more girlfriends. I can discuss all those issues with mine.

If a man is lacking in basic communication skills, I personally would have a hard time dating him.

 

I once dated a guy who I thought was just quiet. He was one of 9 kids, figured ---- some of them had to be the quiet ones.

He was a chef and a musician.

 

Turns out ----- he was quiet because he had nothing to say. No interests outside of work and music.

 

He was very affectionate. And cooked a hell of a dinner. I didn't last 3 months before I was bored to tears.

Yes, I am bored. I kind of cringe at the thought of spending time with him. Now that you say it, he doesn't seem to have any interests or much of a life. He works 9-5 and that's it. I don't know of one thing he enjoys doing. I would even be fine with that if he was one of those introverts that are deep thinkers and have interesting insights about the world even if they actually don't "do" much. But he seems to be neither thinker or doer.

I am aware though that at my age my options are going to be limited and I can't be too picky.

I think you can fix this by starting a hobby together or finding something you both would like to do. It seems like everything else is good, so I'm not sure I would just end it because he isn't a talker. Maybe if you stopped initiating the conversation, he may feel like talking more? Just a suggestion.

Couples mature into a comfortable silence ..I think we all expect that , but it shouldn't be this much hard work and your relationship dymanics don't seem to have left second base , and I think your gut is probably telling you he is not the fit for you . Neither of you are wrong or have awkward personalities , you just don't get the stimulation you need from him and havent felt that "click" .

Couples mature into a comfortable silence ..I think we all expect that , but it shouldn't be this much hard work and your relationship dymanics don't seem to have left second base , and I think your gut is probably telling you he is not the fit for you . Neither of you are wrong or have awkward personalities , you just don't get the stimulation you need from him and havent felt that "click" .

I guess this explains it. We just don't "click". Comfortable silence is fine later on but not before I got to know someone. Either I am talking and trying hard to come up with stories about my life that will make him at least say something or it's dead silence. I don't have much free time so when we sit in the silence I just think that I would rather be doing so many other things instead.

It feels like we never moved beyond small talk. I don't feel like I know him any better now than at the beginning. I also find it somewhat annoying that he is so focused on sex. He keeps asking me what I like in bed (despite his shyness) and that seems to interest him more than anything else I share about myself.

I also tried to have more active dates so that at least we are doing something even if mostly silent. But he told me after last weekend that he feels tired from all the activity and he would rather just "be" with me this weekend. "Being" means sitting on my couch, having sex, staring blankly at TV and sleeping. I can't be excited about that.

Short, sounds then like he is not the man for you. I gather from your posts that he doesn't have any leisure pursuits, or interests outside his work.

Now is he just boring on the phone, or boring in person when you two hang out?

Some people are just the worst at talking on the phone.

Oh, this totally made a difference. My hubby wanted us to be able to talk about things going on in the world, and he totally hooked me onto NPR, now we both listen when we do, like on my way to work, and him driving around, and we talk about world happenings. Maybe try activities, a class, or reading the same book together, so you have things to talk about.

Yes, I am bored. I kind of cringe at the thought of spending time with him. Now that you say it, he doesn't seem to have any interests or much of a life. He works 9-5 and that's it. I don't know of one thing he enjoys doing. I would even be fine with that if he was one of those introverts that are deep thinkers and have interesting insights about the world even if they actually don't "do" much. But he seems to be neither thinker or doer.

 

I am aware though that at my age my options are going to be limited and I can't be too picky.

Wrong answer.

Don't ever settle, or you will be miserable. I am 51, and would rather be alone than be with someone who bores me to tears.

I don't think a three month relationship has matured into comfortable silence. a 3 year old relationship - maybe. You moved on to having sex almost right away - and you didn't have time to really get to know him before sex cemented the bond. I think that he just isn't a talkative guy and you have to decide if you are good with that. It is for you to determine whether he doesn't have anything to say or is just quiet or if you can stand it. He just might not be the guy for you beyond the physical attraction. Another thing to consider - a lot of times someone who is considered "quiet" opens up a lot and is actually talkative with their gf/bf. I know my bf and I talk a lot more together than we do with other people because we "get" eachother. So take that into consideration as well.

So, Shorthaired, it is "horses for courses".

Some people love to talk (if possible all the time lol) and some don't.

When my hubby and I first got together as teenagers, when he'd call me on the phone while I was away at college, I would be so bored to tears I'd smoke to entertain myself. My roomates would be so bored from overhearing, they'd want to hang themselves. We did break up after 4 months.

14 years later of course, we talk and talk and talk about everyone under the sun, endless laughing, serious discussions, life, crazy, fun...I think you just need to find things to talk about, and tell him, "hey, I notice I'm the one usually do most of the talking. Sometimes I feel like when you don't ask me questions, or say much, you aren't interested in getting to know me, or having me get to know you. I know this is just how I'm feeling, and may not necessarily true, but do you feel you need time to feel comfortable talking to me?"

I mean, don't go over eachother's house anymore. Plan dates...movies, zoo, rock-climbing, the beach, fishing, surfing, poetry reading, concerts, shows, new restaurants each time, look at photo albums, go clubbing, etc.