Weird situation with a boyfriend of 3 months

[Shorthaired]

I want to chime in that I think you are getting wonderful input. I do think of course some people are natural introverts and might not be compatible with someone who cannot handle that. But from everything you've written I think this is more of a case that he likes playing at being a couple and doesn't want to put in the effort to really get to know you. And I don't buy for a minute that it's because you are hard to talk to. He might be more introverted than extroverted of course but his defensiveness tells me that he doesn't really care to put in the effort.

 

I know many people that are natural introverts with whom I have long, deep conversations. What puzzles me is that the first time I told him about this conversation issue, he was much more engaged for the next 2-3 dates and things went well. This tells me that he IS capable of conversation when he wants to try.

 

As for activities together, he still doesn't want to do them much because he feels "he puts in a lot of effort already by doing all the driving". I can't help but feel disapointed that doing activities with me is "work" for him. I do offer meeting him at the activity place and taking a bus there but "he won't allow his girlfriend to take a bus". I think the real problem is that with me taking a bus, he won't be able to easily access my place and it may mean no sex.

 

The problem with proposing no sex, is that I am sure he will initially agree. I remember once when I had a cold and told him in advance that he can some over but I am not feeling well and won't be able to have sex. He told me that's completely fine, he still wants to spend time with me. As soon as he came over, he tried to have sex with me. He was kind of pushy and attempted couple of times before giving up. I am annoyed that he even tried. So even if he agrees to the proposition, I am pretty sure the same thing will happen.

 

I am really inclined to just firmly end it.

[Fudgie]

It doesn't sound like you're compatible and he's pushy as hell go sex. The cold story is too much. You were sick and told him upfront that you didn't want to have it. And he didn't respect that.

 

If you feel inclined, just end it. You know where this is going: nowhere.

[Ms Darcy]

I am really inclined to just firmly end it.

 

Given the new information, I agree you should end it.

[Shorthaired]

I ended it. I actually wrote him a long message outlining the reasons (pushiness for sex, lack of activities together).

 

He replied to me "that's OK I was going to end it anyway".

[Fudgie]

I ended it. I actually wrote him a long message outlining the reasons (pushiness for sex, lack of activities together).

 

He replied to me "that's OK I was going to end it anyway".

 

Geez, what a guy.

 

I'm glad you ended it and now you can find someone who is actually interested in learning about YOU and spending time with you, who won't see it as a chore.

[Shorthaired]

Geez, what a guy.

 

I'm glad you ended it and now you can find someone who is actually interested in learning about YOU and spending time with you, who won't see it as a chore.

 

Thanks. I feel pretty depressed about it. Not so much about losing him, but more that I now know how badly I want to be in a relationship.

 

I don't have a problem with guys that are just after sex when they are upfront about it. I just stay away from them. But this sort of situation where he led me to believe that we are in a legit relationship....:sulkiness:

 

I learned my lesson: I won't have sex until I get to know someone and see that there is real potential for a relationship.

[Fudgie]

I think that's a good choice. It's worth a bit of a wait and taking time to find someone worthwhile. It will be okay.

 

I know you said you were in a small town. Perhaps you could expand your online dating search to include men who are a little bit further away as well?

[catfeeder]

I feel pretty depressed about it. Not so much about losing him, but more that I now know how badly I want to be in a relationship.

 

This is the driver to examine, because it impairs your inner screener. There's a huge difference between desiring a relationship from a place of solidity and contentment with your own life versus a fearful belief in scarcity that views every guy in front of you as your 'last shot' and 'only chance' to avoid 'being alone forever'.

 

That's the stuff that will latch onto wrong matches to attempt to make them right, and it will waste your time and only 'self fulfill' your scarcity theory.

 

So once again, I raise this because it's a crucial foundational error. Everything that plays out from it will be surface results--but won't address the actual problem. Operating from THIS mindset will drive you into poor decisions unless you have a face off with it and address it.

 

So how old are you, and where you think this 'do or die' approach comes from?

[Shorthaired]

This is the driver to examine, because it impairs your inner screener. There's a huge difference between desiring a relationship from a place of solidity and contentment with your own life versus a fearful belief in scarcity that views every guy in front of you as your 'last shot' and 'only chance' to avoid 'being alone forever'.

 

That's the stuff that will latch onto wrong matches to attempt to make them right, and it will waste your time and only 'self fulfill' your scarcity theory.

 

So once again, I raise this because it's a crucial foundational error. Everything that plays out from it will be surface results--but won't address the actual problem. Operating from THIS mindset will drive you into poor decisions unless you have a face off with it and address it.

 

So how old are you, and where you think this 'do or die' approach comes from?

 

I am 36. I guess my approach is realistic. I meet around 2 single man in my age group per year - that doesn't include online dating. I have tried OLD in the past I have met men with whom I have so little in common and no attraction that it never went beyond few dates.

 

Finding someone that I at least somewhat like is rare. It's hard to have the abundance mindset when all the facts say otherwise.

[catfeeder]

Finding someone that I at least somewhat like is rare. It's hard to have the abundance mindset when all the facts say otherwise.

 

That's where resiliency come in. Most people are simply NOT our match. That's not a bad thing, because if finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

 

So given the odds, it's easier to use OLD as a form of speed-dating. It avoids sinking the time and energy into full on dates right off the bat, keeping you stuck in miserable evenings with guys who you can tell in 5 minutes are not a good match.

 

Instead, keep messaging to a minimum and use it only for basic compatibility screening--not for fantasy building. Set up quick meets for coffee to check one another out, maybe 20 minutes, with a rule that neither can put the other on the spot to ask for a real date. Afterward, either can contact the other to ask for a date, and if the answer is yes, the other responds, but if not, no response is necessary. That removes the squirmy rejection thing.

 

Set up quick meets with lots of guys to avoid sinking your focus into any single one of them unless and until things get off the ground. Do it in cycles where you give yourself breaks to relax from the whole scene. Do it with a goal of screening OUT wrong matches until you stumble accross the kind of chemistry and simpatico you seek.

 

The idea isn't to lie to yourself about abundance, but rather to disabuse yourself of the idea that you need to settle for anyone who doesn't make your heart sing.

 

Head high.

[Helpexpressme]

He was lazy and had no intention of getting to know the real you. Couldn't be bothered.

 

You did the right thing. Talking and feeling close to someone were elements that he just didn't have (with you), and maybe he just doesn't have them with anybody.

 

Keep moving forward and don't go backwards on jerks like him!

[lostandhurt]

Sorry it turned out this way but in the end it was for the best.

 

So any chance of moving to a new city?

 

I have a feeling your gut was telling you everything we were telling you and now you know it was right. His response was classic and predictable.

 

Don't give up, you will meet the right guy one day soon.

 

Lost

[Shorthaired]

Sorry it turned out this way but in the end it was for the best.

 

So any chance of moving to a new city?

 

I have a feeling your gut was telling you everything we were telling you and now you know it was right. His response was classic and predictable.

 

Don't give up, you will meet the right guy one day soon.

 

Lost

 

Thanks for your kind words (and thanks to everyone else). I am considering moving to a bigger town when my current work contract ends in less than a year.

 

Today he checked in on Facebook at a certain art gallery. When we were talking about weekend plans (before we broke up), he again suggested my place and that he was "too tired" to do anything else. I would have loved to go to the gallery for example... but no, it always had to be my apartment. I made the right decision

[winniethepooh]

I'm in a similar situation ... well similar for the first page or two. I haven't ended it ... yet. I see that you have, and it sounds fair enough from what you said. Gave me something to think about, thanks.

 

He told me that I am hard to talk to.

Anything to take away from this comment or was he just being an ass?

 

Most people are simply NOT our match.

So true ... and so often forgotten.

 

He replied to me "that's OK I was going to end it anyway".

Well he might not talk much but he says a lot with that short sentence.

 

I was going to ask what he's like when he talks to other people ... but I guess it's moot now.