I am the biggest idiot I know

So after my girlfriend of 4 years dumped me almost a month ago she came by our house while I was packing the other day.

She started the relationship conversation and I took the bait. We had a 2 hour long heart to heArt talk which ended in us deciding to "give things another shot since the split was so amicable". Nothing horrendous happened to cause us to break up like cheating, or abuse, etcetera.. It just sort of fizzled out.

Well anyway, we had dinner last night, went to the movies, and just all around had a fantastic time with each other. It felt like our first date 4 years ago. We kissed goodnight, exchanged I love you's, and made plans to speak today and see each other again tonight.

Well I didn't hear a word from her all day today, and she stood me up tonight.

So now I feel like I've been made a total and complete fool of. How in the world could I be such an idiot to fall into that trap?

I know these no real answer for that but I just had to get it off my chest somehow.

yea, she was bored so she used you, and now that she's not bored anymore she ignored you. lesson learned, you'll know what to do next time...hopefully.

A few lessons learned. I've never felt like a bigger fool in my entire life... If nothing else for right now I have anger to fall back on because in furious that she would lie to me the way she did and do what she did to me.

She clearly has and apparently had no respect for me or my feelings. And it makes several things during the last couple months before the breakup crystal clear.

I was no longer a priority to her at that point and I am certainly not one now.

I hope whatever or whoever her new priority is works out for her because if she ever comes around me again with the I miss you bs she's going to get an earful that she definitely will not want to hear.

Up until now I've been blaming myself almost ENTIRELY for our relationship falling apart. Now I realize that that was a 50/50 proposition.

I'm sorry for how you feel, when you're in that position it's easy to allow yourself to give it another shot since it eases the pain. The problem is usually the dumpers are looking to soothe their loneliness or their guilt, once soothed they put you right back on the cupboard.

I'm kicking myself in the *** most of all because I thought I knew this girl after 4 years well enough to read her.

She poured out her heart to me crying and seemed so sincere about a fresh start.

But the whole time she was apparently b.s.'ing me to get WHAT?! A second chance to rip my heart out? To satisfy her ego to know that I was still willing to give her my heart and devotion? I don't get it!!!! What I do know is last week someone on this site told me to stop trying to figure her out. On the upside, I no longer need to try to figure her out. I get it and there is absolutely nothing attractive about it.

Reconciliations do happen but you need to vet the ex very carefully. Meaning you just do not jump back in. The relationship ended for a reason. Before getting back you need to step back in slowly... in fact for example if you have taken it slow you would have realized that she was selling you snake oil but you are right we have all been there and we learn and move on. Do not feel back. Just do not take the bait again because she will have an explanation and you will rationalize it when say "well that makes sense" - that is the point when you would surely be a fool right now, no.

I'm kicking myself in the *** most of all because I thought I knew this girl after 4 years well enough to read her.

She poured out her heart to me crying and seemed so sincere about a fresh start.

But the whole time she was apparently b.s.'ing me to get WHAT?! A second chance to rip my heart out? To satisfy her ego to know that I was still willing to give her my heart and devotion? I don't get it!!!! What I do know is last week someone on this site told me to stop trying to figure her out. On the upside, I no longer need to try to figure her out. I get it and there is absolutely nothing attractive about it.

Maybe she was sincere at the time but changed her mind and was too coward/immature to face the music and tell you the truth. Either way, you are right to move on from this.

You might be right. And I think part of it has to do with her one particular friend that she was supposedly spending the day with yesterday. She's the puppet master and my ex is one of her puppets... Either way it will be interesting to see if she calls me today or not. Right now I honestly hope not because if I answer the phone today my pride will cause me to unload on her. That's something I don't want to do for 2 reasons. 1. I'm more mad at myself for allowing her to make an *** out of me, and 2. I won't give her the satisfaction of me not walking away from this gracefully.

A lot of dumpers mistake missing you for wanting to try again. So I think she may have been sincere because SHE was experiencing the loss of you and your friendship. But when you try again you quickly remember all the reasons you broke up in the first place and leave again.

So a dumper who comes back so soon and cries a bunch is actually a flag that they are lonely and hurting and not necessarily in love.

Well I'm going to make this an easier decision for both of us... We've all heard the saying "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me". Well SHAME ON ME!... I've never felt so humiliated in my life. And even after all the bull she shoveled my way the bottom line is that "I" fell for it. Now I feel like a sap. That will not happen again, I don't care what she has to say.

Maybe she was involved in some sort of crisis and she was simply unable to contact you?

I remember being in similar situation with an ex long ago and was furious when I thought she had jerked me around when she didn't follow up with me for days, only to find out that she was in another state to be by her grandmother's death bed along with the rest of her family! Eeep... her brother and mother confirmed this.

It's a long shot, it could very well be that your ex played you, but there are always factors and variables to consider with this sort of thing.

You could be right but I don't think it's likely unless it's something obscure.. I work with a couple of her family members and they were both there with me last night. Knowing I was close with the whole family although we don't speak of my ex they would've definitely mentioned if there was a problem... At least I think so.. I'm pretty sure I was played.... Our cell phones are still on the same account so I could look up the call log to see if there were any calls to anyone besides me. BUT, I vowed not to do that from the breakup and I won't start now. I feel like that would be the same as stalking a Facebook or twitter account..... I can't say I don't hope you're right but I guess I'll know soon enough. As of now I feel as bad as I did the day after she dumped me the FIRST time a few weeks ago. So now I'm back to square one and it's my own fault. I let my guard down and this is my payoff.

Oh no, sorry this happened! Dont feel stupid, she should be the one to feel stupid and for putting you through this AGAIN! Go NC right now and look at it as an experience you have learnt from. If she has any kind of conscience she should be feeling awful for doing this!

Thank you.. I just got a text from her telling me that yesterday was insane and unplanned and apologized for not getting in touch with me.... There are soooo many different responses running through my mind right now, including not responding at all. What the heck do I do here? I'm sooo aggravated right now.

If you are serious about giving this another try, I would do what another responder said here. TAKE IT SLOW. Talk to her again about her intentions with this relationship. Does she really want to try or is she just blowing smoke...and ask her what happened yesterday? Listen to her and then respond. I would let her know how that felt and how she could of at least let you know what was going on so you didn't think she was just using you or that you were worried... At least have all the facts before making up your mind.

I did exactly that... Someone actually did pass away. A good friend of hers. so I'm glad I didn't fly off the handle..... She apologized profusely for not calling and we began talking about the relationship... I said that we cannot just slide back to what we were. That we both need to take it very slowly and start from scratch. Neither one of us is considering dating anyone else so it doesn't seem to be about that.... This is such a confusing situation. It's hard to balance new against old. It's not like we can just erase the past.

Hey confused1111 how is it going with your ex now? Are dating again?

Hey, Thanks for the follow up... Yes we went out on a couple dates and they went very well. We have plans for another this week..

We spoke of what went wrong, and changes that would have to be made for this to work.. We agreed that this needs to be a fresh start and that we need to take it very slow as if we just began dating.

The issue that I'm having, and it's probably more within myself wanting to rush things is the hot and cold I get from her. One day she's calling and texting constantly and the next nothing, or just short texts whether she initiates them or responds to mine..

I don't know if that's actually normal and I'm reading too much into it.

I can't quite get the thought out of my mind that there is either someone else she is testing the waters with and keeping me strung along, or if she's just not really into this idea as much as I am.

As I said when we are together it's amazing between us, when were apart something doesn't feel right.

Am I reading too much into this? She has sworn numerous times that there is no one else and that she's just nervous about us going too quickly.... Any insight would be awesome. I've avoided a new posting on this as I'm not sure if I'm just being impatient or not.. Thank you!!!!!!

The best thing to do is not chase her. Dont blow up her phone. When you hear her, be your happy self, set a date and leave it with that. By chasing her you are actually pushing her away. She says she is afraid you guys are going to quickly? Well, go slower. Dont ask if there is anybody else or whatnut.

As I said when we are together it's amazing between us, when were apart something doesn't feel right

Ohhhhh, I dunno, but that screams red flag to me. Do you think the feeling of something not being right is coming from your fears or your gut? It'd be normal to be gun-shy at this point. But is it something more?

From personal experience, I can say that the lack of security in the relationship only when you're apart is crazy-making. If you have doubts, they need to be addressed.

Thank you both... I definitely did back off. As she got colder I pulled further away myself. Not only to not rush her but also to protect myself from feeling totally frustrated..

As far as my feeling of something going on after reading the way you wrote that question, I suppose it's more fears than anything as there is no evidence of another guy along with her insisting there isn't.

I'm just trying to get some type of handle on this and do things the right way.

I do love her dearly and definitely accept my part of the responsibility as to what went wrong towards the end of the relationship. She has also and acknowledged that the demise was a 50-50 fault percentage.

I just want this fresh start to go well as I feel we both have a pretty clear picture of what NOT to do this time and sometimes I think it's best to get some outside advice on how to make that happen. Thank you again

Ohhhhh, I dunno, but that screams red flag to me. Do you think the feeling of something not being right is coming from your fears or your gut? It'd be normal to be gun-shy at this point. But is it something more?

 

From personal experience, I can say that the lack of security in the relationship only when you're apart is crazy-making. If you have doubts, they need to be addressed.

Amen to that.

Experienced a lot of that in my LDR (3 years) - I always felt that something wasn't right when we were apart (yeah, well, after all, she was cheating on me lol) even without proof.

And for me it's your guts that talk, not your brain. And to be fair, guts are much more intelligent in 99.9% of cases...

So I have to ask this.... What the **** is she doing and why??

I left someone once for another woman and I just walked away from my ex. There was no point in prolonging anyone's agony. And naturally in the beginning stages of the new relationship I was starting it was bliss so there was no reading to hang on to anything..

Am I just in the minority in my thinking if there were another guy she would just walk away totally and not look back?? I don't get this. Or if she is waiting to see if the grass is greener or not then why agree to start seeing each other again? Why not just leave me dangling for a while?

So I have to ask this.... What the **** is she doing and why??

I left someone once for another woman and I just walked away from my ex. There was no point in prolonging anyone's agony. And naturally in the beginning stages of the new relationship I was starting it was bliss so there was no reading to hang on to anything..

Am I just in the minority in my thinking if there were another guy she would just walk away totally and not look back?? I don't get this. Or if she is waiting to see if the grass is greener or not then why agree to start seeing each other again? Why not just leave me dangling for a while?

Why do you feel like there is someone else?

I honestly don't know.. In all the posts I've put up since the breakup I've gotten a large number of replies that basically say she keeping me in the picture as a "safety net" even though there is no evidence of another guy.. I guess it's just something that was planted in my mind as a possible option.. Honestly I'm so frustrated at this point I don't know what to think... One minute I think she's having second thoughts about giving this another try, then the next I'm thinking I'm the safety net if the grass isn't really greener somewhere else, etc, etc, etc..... I felt REALLY GOOD about the direction we were headed. We were communicating and opening up like never before and she we were genuinely happy to see each other each time. Then all of a sudden she went cold and for the life of me I don't know why...

Most of all and the reason I'm on here right now is I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT!!!!!. Do I reciprocate with distance? Do I just give up the fight and let her go? Do I confront it head on? I'm lost.