Should men pay for women?

I'm a 21 year old female and openly admit, I like being paid for in situations such as drink dates etc. It makes me feel special and looked after. I guess I am kind of used to it. But I'm worried this isn't right and I'm sexist?

I have recently been dating a guy i met at the end of my University term. We are now back in our home towns which are an hour away. We've been hooking up one-two months. Anyway I got the train down to his home to visit him which cost me £20 (I believe this is about $30) he took me to the cinemas and point blank refused to pay for me (would have cost him £5 or $7). He said he never pays for anything for girls. I could understand this if we were still in our university city and we were both broke. But I was mad about this because I'd spent money and made effort with regards to getting the train down. He also took me for one drink beforehand and wouldn't pay for the drink. He said what's the point of guys buying girls anything it doesn't make them like the guy any more? But I feel this made me like HIM less. But am i just being outdated and sexist?

He also had no food in his house so before we went to the cinemas he took me to a local supermarket where I paid for my own dinner. I would also like to add that I am currently unemployed having just graduated and he is in full time employment.

In general terms women should not take advantage and expect to be paid for all the time, or even most of the time, so yes I do think that attitude is sexist.

But in this instance I think he was wrong given that you spent so much more going to see him. That was him being a jerk.

Yeah, you should split bills - but as you'd already shelled out £20 on the train fare, he's being a jerk. That happened to me once too, and it just made me feel a bit stupid to have spent two hours on the train and £30 on someone who then wanted to split everything.

No matter if you are unemployed or not, I consider it normal for a man to at least offer to pay for the woman unless she expresses she does not like it. The point for paying is not to get the girls to "like you" (unless its a relationship based on "your money for my company) but just an act of good manners. It is bit like saying "Why should i helpt the woman put her coat on?" or "why should i stand up when she approaches?".

I think he has very bad manners.

I do believe in splitting,(in more of a I get tix and you get drinks way) but I also think he's got terrible manners. I would never treat someone I invited on a date like that.

I think it's good that some guys don't mind paying for the date, however, that shouldn't be a requirement on every date you go to. And yes, there are some guys that will not pay for you straight away. That doesn't always make them out to be jerks, though.

In general, I think men and women should roughly split the costs of their dates - although I have a strong preference for alternating paying for dates than splitting every bill down the middle, or one person paying for one activity and another for the next. If a man asks me on a date (for the first time), I "expect" him to pay not because that's what I think he SHOULD do, but what 99% of the men I've been with on dates have done. On a first date, I always offer to pay, and I try to insist if I think there's not going to be a second.

In this case, I think he was very rude to not treat to either the drink of the movie (or both), given the time, effort and money you put into going to his location. Whenever someone makes a big effort to come see me, whether friend or romantic interest, I pay for dinner/drinks/movie - whatever activity we have planned, as a way of thanking them for making the trek to see me. (If the person is staying as a guest at my house for a long time, I consider us even! )

To be honest, his whole attitude, and the fact that you've been "hooking up" for a few months, makes me think he's not really interested in a relationship ... when I really like someone, I want to do nice things for him and treat him, and he just showed no appreciation (from what I can tell) for you coming to see him.

I think he was being inconsiderate.

I don't think it has to do with man-woman, or who is employed/who has money in the bank/etc.

I think that if women want to be treated as equals and partners, then we need to act that way. So that means no special treatment when it is convenient for us - like expecting a man to always pay, pull out chairs for us when we are perfectly capable of doing it ourselves, and the like. I think of that as old-school - and yes, sexist.

But in this situation, he was taking advantage, IMO. You did the traveling. It would have considerate for him to offer to treat for a movie and maybe feed you.

I wouldn't do that to a friend or guest, let alone a date.

Personally, I like to pay for myself on dates... specially in the early stages because it makes for a level playing field. However, this situation is different because you had already gone to the effort and expense of travelling to visit him...every girl likes to be treated and in this situation he should have treated you to at least something, to show his appreciation of your efforts to see him....he was rude and in your situation I would definitely like him less and probably not bother next time!

I've never had a man flat out say he "never pays anything for girls". No, I dont think he should pay for every date, it should be split and that should be something that is decided between you the guys you date, but saying outright that he never pays would be a red flag for me and I would be done with him.

No matter if you are unemployed or not, I consider it normal for a man to at least offer to pay for the woman unless she expresses she does not like it. The point for paying is not to get the girls to "like you" (unless its a relationship based on "your money for my company) but just an act of good manners. It is bit like saying "Why should i helpt the woman put her coat on?" or "why should i stand up when she approaches?".

 

I think he has very bad manners.

I have to agree with this. Personally a man who would use the term "I never pay for women" would most probably never be seeing the likes of me again. I don't even see it as a guy/girl thing, if one on my girlfriends took a cab out to see me and we went to the movies, I'd probably buy her ticket...it just seems like the right thing to do. I'm sorry but he just seems like a really cheap guy to me.

In your case I think it was rude of him not to pay for you since you spent money to go see him. But maybe it didn't occur to him, some people can be pretty dense.

I think the gesture of wanting to pay for somebody is quite important. It says - look, I like you enough that I'm not keeping tabs all the time on who pays for what.

If a man is too concerned over who pays for what or splitting everything 50-50 it is a big turn-off for me. He either cares too much about money or is the kind of guy that will only give something expecting to get something in return.

Yet if a guy pays for me I always offer to pay for the next meal, the next drink, etc. to show my appreciation and genuine interest.

Splitting everything 50-50 really isn't always fair... if men can still make more money than women working the same jobs they shouldn't expect us to pay half of everything.

In college I dated a guy who made 20 dollars an hour while I made 8. My job was more intellectually stimulating than his, and I worked there for the experience... yet later on he insisted that we split everything 50-50. It was one of the reasons why I decided to break up with him.

It's a nice gesture if the woman offers to pay every once in a while.

However, in the long run, the guy almost always pays more than the girl.

This is why people say getting a girlfriend is expensive.

As a guy, I know that I can enforce a 50-50 split on my girlfriend, but I would never do it, because I'm the guy, and she's the girl. I do like the fact that she pays for me when I'm out of money.

Well, this is a tough Q and there is always biased opinion.

I'm looking with an intention of getting married in not too distant future, so what I normally look for while I'm dating someone is -

1) the ability to pay for my food, movie tickets, coffee, etc. not extravagant trips, gifts, watches, jewelery, but at least basic stuff.

2) the desire to pay often, not every time, but regularly which reflects his character: does he want to get away without paying? if I treat him to nice dinner will he treat me to something similar? is he cheap so when its his turn to pay, he will only take me to cheap places? does he try to avoid seeing me when its his turn to pay?

You'll get a lot of differing viewpoints on this. I think much depends on your age and how you were raised. I'm older. Men I date often act insulted if I offer to pay on the first date. I don't think they're being sexist and I don't think I'm sexist for letting them. Once the relationship gets some momentum, I try to help out as much as they'll let me. Buy the popcorn and drinks at movies, buy drinks after dinner, invite him over and cook for him (always a hit! ).

But for him to just say I don't ever pay when you've gone out of your way to see him and at some expense? That's just rude. I wouldn't treat a guest of mine that way, much less a date.

I always offer, genuinely, to pay on the first date. If it goes past that, I will very much insist. In long term relationships, I want it 50/50 and it has been 50/50 for my boyfriend and I.

Since you went through so much trouble and money to go see him, he could at least have been a gracious host. Taking you to the supermarket for dinner? How tacky and rude! If I have a guest in my house, I make sure there is something of their liking to eat.

1) the ability to pay for my food, movie tickets, coffee, etc. not extravagant trips, gifts, watches, jewelery, but at least basic stuff.

2) the desire to pay often

I think the real question is - do women want to pay for the man's food, movie tickets, coffee etc and also feel the desire to pay often??

I believe in splitting the costs, which is understandable, but this is someone who seems to be treating you more like a complete stranger, instead of someone he's dating.

Hopefully he visits your home at times, and if so, who foots the bill?

In general, I think men and women should roughly split the costs of their dates - although I have a strong preference for alternating paying for dates than splitting every bill down the middle, or one person paying for one activity and another for the next. If a man asks me on a date (for the first time), I "expect" him to pay not because that's what I think he SHOULD do, but what 99% of the men I've been with on dates have done. On a first date, I always offer to pay, and I try to insist if I think there's not going to be a second. .

This is how I feel. When a guy asks me out, I expect him to pay and will offer my share, especially if I know there won't be a second date. After that I feel it varies. For instance we go to the show he can buy tickets and I'll buy popcorn and soda. We go to a fancy dinner and one pays and the other leaves the tip. Or one time he pays then the next time I do. I do not feel the man should always pay.

Whoever asks, pays. Simple. Take out the sexes (if you really want equality) and just go with that. It would be awful guy takes you out on a date, picks the most expensive place in town, doesn't consult with you or asks your opinion... and then expects you to pay??? Rude. It would be just as awful if a girl did that to a guy!!! People would be losing their minds on this forum left and right! Lol. So if you plan it, u should pay. If he plans it, he should pay.

By the way, did he invite you down? Or did u just show up on your own? Cuz in that case, it was your plan. If not, and it was his idea for u to come down, hang out, and watch a movie... Then he's just a rude and awful SOB... and you should just move on.

This shouldn't even be a debate. It's not about being a sexist.

This man IS NOT A MAN, he is CHEAP, and has no manners, or etiquette on how to treat a woman.

Don't walk away, run...screw that...SPRINT!!!!

He's garbage. NEXT!

The problem is, OP didn't offer to pay for him, instead she felt entitled to have him pay for her. Moreover she kept tabs (ie "i paid for the ticket to get over here, he should pay"), not him. So does that mean she doesn't like him that much and HE should dump her? By your logic, a resounding YES. He isn't dumping her though, he still likes her, he probably likes her more than she'd like him if he were her in that situation, if he demanded to have her pay for him. If he held the same sort of entitlement feelings as she does, she'd like him even LESS, and no it's not really fair to him. What if HE wants to feel special and taken care of and looked after? Then he's automatically not a man and is "cheap garbage"? No, I believe that is sexism.

I don't see why he's being labeled as being so bad for being a man of principle. When has she ever paid for his dinner or his drinks? No, the train ticket was HERS, not his, and instead of making a big deal of it, why not just ask him to visit her next time and take turns? If he doesn't want to do that, then he's cheap. Otherwise, it's premature judgement.

It sounds to me like the guy she is seeing got burned before. I have a similar mentality as him, and I come from a background of having paid for girls because I liked them and wanted to make them happy. What did that get me, a "let's just be friends" break-up a few months later? HE HAS A POINT. The OP is no longer together with all of the guys that have paid for her, his logic is that she won't be attracted to him at some point regardless of whether he pays or not. I think he might just be correct.

Okay, babybear, think of it this way. Compare how many free meals and free drinks you've gotten over the years with how many he's gotten. His is 0, yours is probably pretty high. He's never gotten a girl to buy him a drink or a meal. You've gotten plenty. And he's a bad guy for feeling bitter about it? No, that's not fair, and YES, he wants it to be fair. I'm sure you would want it to be fair too in his situation, I mean look how sleighed you feel about 1 train ticket. To answer your question, it's sexist to expect free meals and free drinks for being a girl, and call a guy cheap if he doesn't oblige. That belief started when women didn't and COULDN'T get jobs, and they physically COULDN'T pay because there was no money to pay WITH. Novadays that is not the case, therefore the belief is archaic.

Hope you make a reasonable decision.

I don't see why he's being labeled as being so bad for being a man of principle. When has she ever paid for his dinner or his drinks? No, the train ticket was HERS, not his, and instead of making a big deal of it, why not just ask him to visit her next time and take turns? If he doesn't want to do that, then he's cheap. Otherwise, it's premature judgement.

If *anyone* had paid out time and money to get a train to see me (boyfriend, friend, uncle, cousin, colleague!), then I would have food in the house and would offer them hospitality. It's not a romantic men paying thing, it's common hospitality and courtesy. This guy sounds so cold and gormless I wouldn't see him again, or anyone who would treat a guest like that. This guy didn't have any food in, took her to the supermarket and made her buy her own food whilst he bought his - that's just a *weird* way to behave with a guest.

If *anyone* had paid out time and money to get a train to see me (boyfriend, friend, uncle, cousin, colleague!), then I would have food in the house and would offer them hospitality. It's not a romantic men paying thing, it's common hospitality and courtesy. This guy sounds so cold and gormless I wouldn't see him again, or anyone who would treat a guest like that. This guy didn't have any food in, took her to the supermarket and made her buy her own food whilst he bought his - that's just a *weird* way to behave with a guest.

He probably wanted to feel special. Would a girl feel special if a guy expects something in return after treating her to a dinner? No. OP's expecting something in return for buying a ticket for HERSELF. If the tables were turned, it would be "He's expecting something in return for spending money to come over here, I guess that means he didn't come here purely out of liking me, and must not want me for who I am and willing to spend money on us. NEXT". That's gender biases in play right there, and I bet there's topics on ENA that show them with tables turned. There are people in this very topic that would say "He's not a man if he isn't willing to spend money on a ticket expecting nothing in return. Date someone who will truly make you feel special =)".

I don't think he purposely kept his fridge empty so she'd have nothing to eat when she came over, and I doubt he'd deny her food if he already had some in his fridge. I know I wouldn't. I, however, wouldn't be a fan of "I want this microwave dinner, buy it for me", it would set the wrong precedent for the relationship. If she wants to 'test' his character, why not just ask him to come over next time? No one besides me suggested it, almost everyone just started bashing him.

Hitler was a man of principle- he was still wrong!

Who wants to date a guy who is so bitter and twisted? No one.

And it's not sexist cos if a guy had made a bit effort and spent a lot of money on travel and he was here telling us his date hadn't even got any dinner in I think the responses would be the same!