My boyfriend is addicted to his computer

Well, I'm new here and desperate for advice. I have been with my fiance for 12 years now. We are both 30 years old. He is umemployed. He is addicted to World of Warcraft, an online game, in which he plays from the moment he wakes up at 3 pm till he goes to bed around 8 am. This behaviour has been going on for 3 months now. He says that this game is very important to him because it gives him a sense of accomplishment and gives him a social life. He keeps telling me that I don't support him and what he does and asks me why I don't play with him. There are girls on there that are very promicious because they broadcast their "hot" feelings to see who will respond. The girls are on his team and he claims that he has no interest in them. But I think otherwise.

I work, I pay HIS rent, buy HIS groceries, buy him clothes, cook and clean. We are getting married next year and he says that if I can't deal with this now, then he has big doubts about our upcoming marriage.

He rejects me sexually all the time. We haven't had sex in almost 4 months. There is always an excuse. Last night I did a strip tease for him and he said he liked it, but I should be doing more of what he asked, more dance and less sway. I was very hurt by that. A few hours later, I asked him if he wanted to have sex with me and he said " no, I have to help my friends online girlfriend" I freaked out and basically said with some profane words, that he would rather help her, some anonymous meaningless person, than help his own girlfriend by being her man. I was so mad, that I went to the wall and ripped out his cable modem connection. He asked me to leave. So I did. He called me, and told me that I am not to call him or come over till he says. I have left him alone playing the computer, without asking him to be with me for the past month. I have even sat beside him and watched him play. When I ask him questions about the game, because I really do want to take an interest in his life, he ignores me because he is in the middle of something, which he always is. He tells me that I'm needy when I ask for one night a month with him. Did I mention that I am paying for his online access to this game? I ask him if he felt it was fair that I pay while he plays and I am all alone. He said no.

I feel so unattractive and unwanted. I am confused about what my future will hold. I am so sexually charged right now, that I am thinking of cheating on him. In the 12 years, we have been together, I have never once thought of it. I feel guilty for wanting to stray, because I am not getting what I need from this relationship. Not just sex, I need a hug or a kiss or even a day where we could go for a walk and talk. My birthday was two weeks ago, it was my 30th. He didn't get me a gift, instead he purchased some pot for himself, because he has no money, don't you know.

I love this man dearly. But feel that I am constantly sacrificing my needs for his happiness. I am so depressed and just need to feel that he loves me. He says he does, but actions speak louder than words. We aretaking a marriage class as required by our church for marriage. Which we both enjoy and and try to implement what we have learned into our relationship and as individuals. I know that we both want to work this nagging issue out.

Any help?

The first thing I would do is stop paying for his online access!!! He seems to have a real issue with the amount of time he spends playing this computer game. I am assuming that you are the one bringing in the money. I would lay down the law with him and tell him to get off his butt and get a job or find someone else to mooch off of! I'm sorry if that seems harsh, but the way he is treating you is inexcusable and you deserve better!

I am intrigued that you *both* want to work this nagging issue out...yet he seems to accept NO responsibility for his contibutions to the issue - and it sounds more like his way of working it out is you just accept this behaviour, treatment and be happy with it.

Honestly, I know you love him, but he sounds like selfish and honestly, like a true loser. And he is taking full advantage of you.

I know its hard to leave after 12 years - but can you really look forward to spending the rest of your life with someone whom seems to think of you as an afterthought, who uses you, who belittles you, and rejects you?

Who seems to think he can dictate to YOU what to do.

Because the reality is, marriage won't "change" him.

The sex thing is a HUGE thing to consider too I think..of course you feel rejected and unattractive..no sex for 4 months is not normal for two young, healthy people supposed to be in love enough to be getting married!

Why is he not working?

Also curious...if you were together 12 years and not married...or not getting married until now..why is that? Whose idea was that.

I have a feeling you don't really KNOW any different since you have been together since you were 18 - I get the impression you do NOT realize this is not normal, or healthy, or right, or what happily engaged couples operate. There seems to be a huge breakdown in commuication, friendship and love here.

I say he needs more then the counselling you are getting through your church right now...and I advise you ask your church for a reference to another relationship counsellor for extra help.

And if he does not want to go or put in any effort, I suggest you walk...actually I would really say you leave now anyway. He sounds unlikely to change anytime soon. And that means you STOP paying his rent, his online fees, his food, you STOP cleaning - you are NOT his mother. You ARE supposed to be his PARTNER. He is mooching off you, using you and treating you quite cruelly. I would walk personally, but I also know you are unlikely to want to do so without trying other things first. STOP supporting him, he is an adult and is definitely not behaving like one.

You deserve SO much better, and there ARE much better men out there whom would treat you as an equal, and want to do things with you, and be involved in your life and have you involved in theirs. And whom don't want you to pick up, pay up, clean up after them.

I say right now you need to approach this as HIM, and SERIOUSLY reconsider those plans to marry him....I don't think he is what you need in a husband or life partner in the least at this point...he needs to shape up or be thrown out.

You are treated how you expect and ask to be treated....you tell him you want more, but when he does the same things, you still stay, you still pay for him....STOP allowing yourself to be a doormat, stop enabling him to be a selfish jerk. At this point I would walk, you deserve SOOOO much better, and trust me, there is soooo much better out there.

Honestly? I think you should kick him to the curb. Like you said, you pay the bills, buy the food - and his sense of accomplishment is in a video game!?!?!?! What is up with that? Most normal people have a sense of accomplishment by ... oh gosh, I don't know - getting the promotion, closing the deal on an important account.

Sorry, but he sounds like a L-O-S-E-R. I agree with everything that raykay said. Really right on.

Why after being together for 12 years have you not gotten married? What was holding you back before?

Anyways - I think that this really isn't the right guy for you. I know it can be hard to leave someone that you have been with for so long, but really ... this relationship just sounds all sorts of wrong.

This guy is definitely not a nerd, Nerds are smart people.

The nerds are the ones that actually like created the games, and make money out of it.

I would say test him, bring men home, and let him see if your relationship is more important or the warcraft ...

Sounds like he is using the game because he can't face reality and the cyber relationships he has with others are boosting his confidence. He needs to shut it down and get back to real life as quickly as possible.

Show him this thread if you feel it would help him see how worried, lonely and rejected he makes you feel, and what others think of his behaviour. If that doesn't work I would seriously think about cutting off the net until what you are saying sinks in.

And if that fails, pack his kitbag and put on YOUR combat boots and show him your not putting up with it anymore and kick his backside out the door.

I wanted to let you hear perspective from a guy that used to be (almost) exactly like your partner. I used to be lazy in my past relationship the same way your guy is now. I was too engrossed in my own problems and I used the internet, computer games, etc as a drug. I think that these addictions are being used in place of other things that most people get addicted to, like alcohol, drugs or smoking. I was also unemployed many times durring our relationship and my ex had to carry me through finacially, that only made me feel worse, that I couldn't give my partner the things that I thought she wanted, but in the end I know all she really wanted was my love and for me to take some responsibility. I have learned my lesson, but it is too late for us, plus there were other problems with our relationship, but we also had the same problems as you two are having.

"You are treated how you expect and ask to be treated....you tell him you want more, but when he does the same things, you still stay, you still pay for him....STOP allowing yourself to be a doormat, stop enabling him to be a selfish jerk." --RayKay

So true!

It may be hard for him to change if has been like this for a long time, you have shown him it is ok to stay this way, allowing him to continue like this without giving him consequences for being like this. Make him more accountable for his actions! I know you should not have to treat him like a child and give him heck, but sometimes people just need a kick in the butt to change and realize what they are doing, and what they might lose if they don't change! If not then you have to leave him, it may make him change into the person you fell in love with, or you may just end up finding someone who is worthy of your love!

Don't let this go on too long if you want to stay with him! You will only make it harder to do something, either breaking up or making him change, do something about it today, before it is too late!

Hope I helped a little!

Wow. Sometimes I find myself being kind of negative when advising people on relationships here. I think if I had to go back and average things that I advise people to break up more often than saying they have a chance to work things out. That being said, I think I'll have to slightly disagree with annie and RayKay here.

I have some personal experience with this. I played Ultima Online for years. Ultima Online was THE massively multiplayer online game at the time. The first. It spawned the industry. World of Warcraft is now what UO once was. I played UO for years, and my playing habits were somewhat similar to that of your boyfriend for much of that time. I would wake up early in the afternoon, play the game until really, really late at night - or really early in the morning depending on your perspective - and then go to sleep. A couple of my summers were consumed like this. At the time school was terrible, but I was also suffering from clinical depression. I beta tested Everquest but never got heavily into it. I also played Asheron's Call and Dark Age of Camelot, but by that time I was more mature and the games were part of my life - a few hours spent playing per day, and if I couldn't play it wasn't the end of the world - instead of my whole life.

Here are some random thoughts on these games. They require MASSIVE amounts of time, which is the prime reason I no longer play them. In order to get into them and really enjoy them, you really have to play them a lot in order to level your character up, familiarize yourself with the game world, etc. etc. And then when you get your character the way you want it, there is always some guild war to fight or some new expansion pack that comes out and the process repeats itself. With console games (Xbox, PS2, etc) you play the game through, beat it, and that's it. But games like WoW just go on and on. You play them until you get tired of them.

But that's the funny thing. If you judged these games solely on their gameplay and graphics - they suck. Their gameplay is mediocer at best, and the graphics are usually 2 to 5 years behind the cutting edge because if they were really good, it would slow everything down. Console games have great quests with epic storylines that you can immerse yourself into. But games like WoW have cookie cutter quests. Go here, get this, do that, get your reward. It's never about the quest, just the means to an end - some shiny new sword or battle axe. The only kinds of gameplay that has potential to be fun for me is the massive battles. Instead of fighting dumb AI monsters, a lot of the game companies are setting it up so the players join factions and fight each other. Dozens, even hundreds of players slugging it out in epic battles for control of in game territory! Sounds great, right? Well, it would be...if it weren't for the lag. Put more than 50 players in the same spot in these games, and everything starts to screech to a halt. The technology is still a few years away from being able to implement the ideas for these games.

So why do people play? They play for the friends. For the social community. In real life they may be a total loser, but in a game like World of Warcraft they can be a level 52 mage, famous and the envy of thousands of people in the game community. And even without notoriety, everyone has their own groups of friends that can be just as rewarding as hanging out with friends in real life. If it weren't for the social aspects of these games, they would all go out of business in short order. Gameplay certainly factors in, but ultimately it's the social community that keeps them playing. And as far as the "hot girls" online in the game... don't worry about it. 9 out of 10 hot chicks in online games are actually guys.

For someone to devote the amount of time your BF is, they had to have been suffering from at least some mild depression prior in my opinion. When I was big into these games, I was suffering from full blown clinical depression. It doesn't surprise me to hear that he recently lost his job. Was he displaying any kinds of problems before he started playing this game?

Often people play themselves out of these games. After being pretty much hooked for a while, they usually reduce their hours significantly or stop playing all together. I don't think your fiancee will fall into this category though. He is a true full blown addict. Leaving him may ultimately be what you have to do, but unlike Raykay and annie I think you should give him a chance first.

Sit down and talk with him. An ultimatum is in order. He needs to choose what is more important to him. You, or the game. Although it may be difficult for him, I'm certain he will choose you. If he doesn't choose you, then leave him as fast as you can and never look back! But, I'm assuming he'll choose you. Totally giving up the game may be a little extreme, but frankly so is the amount of hours he is playing it. He should stop playing the game cold turkey, and go to counseling for himself. I suspect he has his own issues he needs to work out. He should make looking for a job his new full time job until he finds one, and pleasing you should be his part time job. If he does those things, then you continue to support him financially if you wish. If he doesn't, then leave him and go to NC, because he's never going to change.

But, you know - it's not just the games! She did a strip-tease for him - he critisized her, telling her to "dance more, sway less." And he still didn't have sex with her! There is something very very wrong there.

I do think that she's already been giving him enough chances. Sure - sit down, tell him that he needs to treat you better and get a job or you're out of there!

But, you know - it's not just the games! She did a strip-tease for him - he critisized her, telling her to "dance more, sway less." And he still didn't have sex with her! There is something very very wrong there.

 

I do think that she's already been giving him enough chances. Sure - sit down, tell him that he needs to treat you better and get a job or you're out of there!

And the fact there has been no sex in 4 months, he calls her needy if she wants to spend ONE night with him a month, he tells her "don't call me, I'll call you", "sit at home and wait to here from me", she pays his rent, food, cleans after him...these are all just more than just games.

The lack of sex sounds like a classic symptom of depression to me. As for the "don't call me, I'll call you" thing, that was after she pulled out the plug on his cable modem. That's like taking the crack pipe away from the crack addict - it's going to upset them, a lot. Back when I was on UO, it was before DSL existed. I was on dialup. I argued with my older brother constantly when he wanted to use the phone. One night he yanked the cord on me, and I got into a big argument with him. I got him so mad he assaulted me and the police were called....

I'm really not trying to defend his actions, I just think I can relate to them somewhat because I've been there. When you're addicted to a game like that, that's the only thing you want to do. Even eating and going to the bathroom seemed like hassles to me, so it's not a surprise that he'd see his GF wanting time as an intrusion.

Well, I understand first of all that you are very attached to this guy b/c otherwise, there'd be no way you would still be with him. Giving him an ultimatum does sound like a good plan, but you need to ask yourself, is that really a long term solution?

If you stayed with him (assuming he turns himself around of course), he still has that potential to slip back into that slacking mode. Maybe he'd adjust himself now because he cares about you, but this might just come back to bite you even harder in the butt later.

Just remember, you can MOST DEFINITELY find someone to treat MUCH better than that. Your a person with needs too remember? Its not just about him.

Good Luck!

I agree mostly with this.

It isn't really about the gaming, it's about balance. MMOs (like World of Warcraft) can be very monopolizing if the person does not have other things in his or her life to balance them out, and does not take active steps to balance them. The reason is that the online community the player is plaing with can become a main social outlet for the player, and this can get in the way of real-world relating. So the key is really finding a place of balance ... play the game a few hours a day, don't miss meals for the game, don't play the game on date nights, don't skip bedtime for the game, etc. Set limits and stick to them, and you can have the game and real life.

I've played MMOs for years, but I have a very demanding real world job, and can only play them at most a few hours a day and sometimes days will go by and I can't play for a while. It's okay for me, because I don't need to play all the time to enjoy them as entertainment. And to me, that's the key ... have other things in your life that commit your time, and stick to those other commitments. I don't agree that console games are the answer, I've seen many console gamers who are addicted (they just move on to new games, which are always coming out), and to me console gaming is mostly inane, not creative and involves mostly fancy fingerwork. I far prefer MMOs (not Warcraft, which is very cookie-cutter, but EVE Online, which is a sandbox type game), and they can be played with balance, but it requires a commitment by the player to be committed to other things and take the game as a part of their life rather than their virtual life.

In terms of dealing with your BF, I would recommend seeing what happens during the absense. You'll be able to tell whether he can change or not. if not, then I agree with the rest of the advice, that you should just move on. The only way he can overcome his addiction to WoW is by himself getting bored with it and then discovering that when he turns it off, everything else in his life is gone ... that will encourage him to get a life, so to speak. But until he gets there himself, he will probably be loathe to change.

I myself play this game and while it is immensely addicting, I realize that I need to spend time with my girlfriend. I set aside times to play when we are not together t play. I do not plan my life around the game however, this problem happens to quite a few people playing these games and relationships can be destroyed. He needs to come back to reality and realize the great "real" things he has in his life...i.e. you!

I understand... except my problem is my boyfriend has an anxiety chat group he goes to.. and I don't mind that but he and I met online two years ago we have had problems and break ups but anyway he doesn't have to work, so it is nothing for him to just up and move he had nothing keeping him anywhere...but back to the chat room.. he talks to these people all the time some through forums and sometimes email.. and never once has he ever mentioned that he has a girlfriend.. He in fact tells them he is single.. When I tell him it bothers me that I want to be acknowledged he tells me to stay out of his business... Am I wrong for wanting to be acknowledged? We have a pretty good relationship right now, we are planning to move to Haines Ak next week, we have rented a cabin there and things are going fine but it bothers me that he talks to these people and if even thought I went to that chat group and looked at what is being said he would freak.......

He says that this game is very important to him because it gives him a sense of accomplishment and gives him a social life. He keeps telling me that I don't support him and what he does and asks me why I don't play with him. There are girls on there that are very promicious because they broadcast their "hot" feelings to see who will respond. The girls are on his team and he claims that he has no interest in them. But I think otherwise.

I am sorry in advance but LMFAO

secondly, you have a baby boy on your hands, who cries when he doesnt get what he wants. Kick his arse out, sell his computer on ebay, and tell him that his social life just took a turn for reality. Stand up for yourself woman. I was at one point addicted to video games, it was more not being happy with everythign else going on. So i turned to the games, yea I was happy my gf was pissed she hated it, and it hurt our relationship. You need to stand up and tell him to get off his bumm and get a job!

Do not continue to turn the other cheek, he will take advantage of this forever, once and for all teach him a lesson!

Do not let this contine...

I myself play this game and while it is immensely addicting, I realize that I need to spend time with my girlfriend. I set aside times to play when we are not together t play. I do not plan my life around the game however, this problem happens to quite a few people playing these games and relationships can be destroyed. He needs to come back to reality and realize the great "real" things he has in his life...i.e. you!

I play this game too, and my girlfriend plays with me. actully most of my friends (real life) play this game... Theres about 7 or 8 of us that play. Some of us have laptops and meet up once a week and play togeaher, and acomplish things in the game togeather... and none of us have issues where we neglect our G/Fs, or Wives.. It's all about self control. I don't play these games to socalize. I don't go on makign friends, i usally talk to my friends, and thats it.. I have no need to make online friends in the game, so the whole social aspect of it is not for me.

I've seen my girlfriend 5 out of the 7 days this past week. I spend as much as time with her as i can, and we also play this game togeather so that's more time togeather when we can't hang out. I would never turn her down for this game, especially sex.

I like how people bash this, and say how it's nerdy and stuff... well i think going out and drinking and getting yourself so drunk you can't stand is the most unintellegent thing to do. I kinda think it's personally very weak of a person who has to do this... drugs, same thing... Everyone has there thing.

I also had this problem in my last relationship. My addiction to my computer played a role in my partner leaving me.

I wasn't addicted to online gaming, but I was addicting to downloading movies, and music, and just surfing the net in general. But I wasn't as bad as him. I used to go on it 5 nights a week for a few hours. Never till 8 in the morning!!

But then again, I have a pretty good job, friends and did spend time with my partner, but it was defiantely an addiction nonetheless.

I think your partner is not happy with his life. It sounds like he's not happy with you and distracts himself from this unhappiness by going on the computer. You said he's unemployed which is depressing in itself. You sound like a great girl, if my girl ever did a strip tease for me, i'd be off the computer in a second!

But definitely sit down and talk to him about it. Tell him that your really worried that his computer usage is going to ruin your relationship, and that you might fall out of love. Tell you him want his attention and that you love him. But let him know that you wont always be there for him if this problem continues. My guess is that he is taking you for granted. That's what I did with my partner, and I regret it badly.

But my partner didn't talk to me about her problem.. She just came out with it one day and told me she didn't love me anymore. I wish she told me how she felt so we could have worked at it.

So talk to him, and hopefully his actions change. But you'll both need to work at it. It won't be easy.

If he's not interested in changing, then I'd say your probably better off with someone else who is willing to work on relationships.

From what you wrote, it seems that he is a loser and that he has no respect for you nor appreciation for you. you seem too smart and strong for bs like that. don't settle. you can do better, trust me...there is someone out there who will respect you and love you the way you need and want to be loved. On the other hand, maybe you're fiance is going through a tough time emotionally and this is his way of dealing with it. Or it could be that this is his true side coming out after so many years of being with him. You should be strong and confident, and approach him rather than deal with it. If nothing seems to work, then run before it's too late...because it will only be worse. oh, and does this guy have a lot of baggage?...sometimes people who had difficult lives growing up are unaware of certain personality traits that they developed from childhood and it unconsciously shows up when they get close to people. If that's the case, he needs to resolve whatever issues he has and only then will he be able to lead a happy life with you. It is difficult for people to resolve issues that they do not even know they have , so be careful when you approach him. Another thing is you do not have to do anything you do not want to do, be confident... Also, if nothing works and he is not helping himself, maybe the best thing for you to do is leave. Many times situations like that helps people realize their flaws and problems and it gives them a chance to change for the better. You're fiance might realize he was hurting you by taking advantage of you, and might realize why. Give that some thought. Oh and one more thing...Fear brings problems towards you, and the problems keep piling up...facing the fears and fighting them is what makes you fight and win your battles as well as eliminate problems. I hope I was helpful.

all I have to say is you deserve better. has he always been like this?

I work, I pay HIS rent, buy HIS groceries, buy him clothes, cook and clean. We are getting married next year and he says that if I can't deal with this now, then he has big doubts about our upcoming marriage.

My only question is, based on what you have said in this post, why are YOU not the one with doubts about marrying HIM?! First of all, don't even worry about him threatening you, trust me if you dumped him he'd panic. It would mean he'd need a J-O-B!!! You are worth WAY more to him than he is to you. Realize that.

Now, not only would I break off the engagement, I'd break off the relationship. He'd have an opportunity to return if and when he was ready to carry his own weight and treat me properly. I am hoping that this guy totally changed drastically in the last 6 months to a year, from a solid upstanding man that treated you like gold to THIS loser. Because if that isn't the case I honestly don't know how you put up with this for the last 12 years, LET ALONE consider marrying the guy!

As an aside, you're 30... This means that you have spent your ENTIRE post-pubescent dating life with this sorry excuse for a partner. Unfortunately you can't get back your past, but you can SURE AS HECK get on with your future! BELIEVE ME this guy does NOTHING for you that someone else wouldn't do a million times better. You're attached to him because he is all you have known.

Good luck!

I am really impressed with the quality of advice throughout this thread. I agree wholeheartedly with what everyone is saying. This is a terrible situtation to find yourself in and I feel for you. However you have been enabling him to this point, and now he is past the point of no return (it seems) to change his own behaviour. If you want to be happier with this you need to be the one to make a major change. I personally think you should leave, even if you see this only as a test. You need to see how much this man truly values you - we are talking the rest of your life here. You need to see life without him yourself, if only to realise it's not so scary.

I think I can probably guarantee that if you decide to move on, and it takes real courage if he's all you've known since 18, you will feel sad for a little while but you will then see all those options you never saw before. You will find a relationship that feeds you and suits you and that brings you happiness. I spent 10 years also with one of these man-child types, compromising all the way. But it ended and I have since married someone else, someone who I never imagined existed while I was with my ex throughout my 20s.

loser he is.. sorry but to me any guy that chooses a video game over a girl is a loser. i myself also play this game, but i play it casually, i only play when it is impossible for me and my gf to be together. i do not see how he can think a game beats sex or just being with his girl in any way. get him help and if he isn't willing to try and change this habbit, ditch him.

ths guy sounds like a class A loser.

let's add up your complaints here:

1. We are both 30 years old. He is unemployed.

2. He is addicted to World of Warcraft.

3. He keeps telling me that I don't support him.

4. The girls are on his team and he claims that he has no interest in them. But I think otherwise.

5. I pay HIS rent

6. I buy HIS groceries

7. I buy him clothes

8. I cook

9. I clean

10. He has big doubts about our upcoming marriage.

11. He rejects me sexually all the time.

12. We haven't had sex in almost 4 months.

13. He said he liked it, but I should be doing more of what he asked.

14. He would rather help her, some anonymous meaningless person, than help his own girlfriend.

15. He called me, and told me that I am not to call him or come over till he says.

16. He ignores me

17. He tells me that I'm needy when I ask for one night a month with him.

18. I am paying for his online access to this game

19. He didn't get me a gift, instead he purchased some pot for himself

20. I am constantly sacrificing my needs for his happiness.

Twenty complaints. That seems like WAY too many. Honestly, I can't even come up with five bad points about my boyfriend. And if there were ten, I'd probably be dumping him.

But let's look at the other side of things; can you come up with twenty equally compelling reasons to be with him? Twenty reasons for staying that fill you with the same intensity of good emotion as the complaints fill you with bad?

If not, and I'm thinking that you can't, it sounds like you're on the losing side of this simple mathematical balance.

Quite honestly I would rather be in no relationship than one that is so one-sided.

Is murder legal where you are?