What is the definition of cheating - a survey

[Clementine orange]

I think that we (and all reasonable people) can include cheating as being physical with someone who is not your "other". Physical as in groping, kissing, and whatnot – even if actuall intercourse doesn’t occur. But what about the other possible grey areas.

 

Let’s do a straw poll here for the sake of discussion. Let’s leave the morality- lecturing side of things out of it for now as well as gender and orientation. All of the below being performed without the knowledge or consent of partner.

 

So yes, no or not sure:

 

1.) Drunken kiss under the mistletoe with friend

1a.) Drunken kiss under the mistletoe with near stranger

 

2.) Dancing “grind style” with someone

 

3.) going to the strippers

 

4.) getting a lap dance (from a stripper)

 

5.) looking at porn on the internet (or DVD, magazine etc)

 

6.) on-line sex (cyber sex) webcam/chat etc with someone you don’t know (ie a service)

 

7.) Solo masturbating while looking at porn

 

8.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about a “unobtainable” celebrity (ex: Scarlett Johansen or Janet Reno)

 

9.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about some you know (and it thereforeeee kinda obtainable - co-worker, friend, the waiter/waitress from the restaurant

 

10.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about an old relationship

 

11.) Checking out people (the quick butt check or leer or whatever)

 

12.) Checking out online dating services/craig’s list (but not actually signing up for them or doing anything about it)

 

13.) Talking to/confiding in member of the opposite sex about your relationship

 

14.) flirting with someone you know

 

15.) flirting with someone you don't know (the mechanic, the waitress etc)

 

If I get enough responses then I will tabulate some charts and graphs etc here in a few day and we can discuss at length some more

[lizziebee]

I gotta say: 6, 12 and 13....

[jimthzz]

Answers above

[CarnelianButterfly]

1.) ehh, depends on the level of the kiss; peck -no, leaning in/tongue -yes

1a.) yes

2.) yes

3.) yes and eeww

4.) yes and double eeww

5.) occasional stuff -no, serious collecting/addiction -yes

6.) yes

7.) again, occasional stuff -no, serious collecting/addiction -yes

8.) ehh

9.) yes

10.) yes

11.) leering -yes, just looking -no

12.) yes

13.) no

14.) some flirting is fine, but serious flirting -no

15.) again, some flirting is fine, but serious flirting -no

[agent1607307371]

I think mainly, these depend on you being in a monogamous relationship model.

 

Cheating really is behaviour that is outside the bounds of the rules set down and agreed on by both partners. Having never been in a relationship where the rules were assumed, I don't think I'd be too much help on the yes/no answers as they need qualifiers depending on the context.

[Clementine orange]

I think mainly, these depend on you being in a monogamous relationship model.

 

Cheating really is behaviour that is outside the bounds of the rules set down and agreed on by both partners. Having never been in a relationship where the rules were assumed, I don't think I'd be too much help on the yes/no answers as they need qualifiers depending on the context.

 

I seriously doubt that many couples produce a list (signed and witnessed ..."being of sound mind" ....) as to what is acceptable or not. Personally I would be very insulted if a partner set out "rules" for acceptable behavior as she saw them. I'd prefer to go with my own personal levels of morality rather than have them set out by someone else.

[sophie274]

1.) yes

1a.) yes

 

2.) not sure, i think yes

 

3.) no

 

4.) no, but very inappropriate and would probably dump

 

5.) no

 

6.) not entirely sure, but inappropriate/disrespectful/not compatible with my values - would dump

 

7.) no

 

8.) no

9.) no

 

10.) no

 

11.) no, but inappropriate if i am present

 

12.) no

 

13.) no, but might be disrespectful depending on nature of confiding

 

14.) no, unless he has intentions to act upon it/does act upon it +different levels of flirting

 

15.) see above

[heart_broken_again]

I think mainly, these depend on you being in a monogamous relationship model.

 

Cheating really is behaviour that is outside the bounds of the rules set down and agreed on by both partners. Having never been in a relationship where the rules were assumed, I don't think I'd be too much help on the yes/no answers as they need qualifiers depending on the context.

 

EXACTLY

please look at my post.

[sophie274]

Ok, having replied and seen other replies, I guess it's really a matter of the word "cheating". As I said in my reply, plenty of these things I would not technically consider cheating, nor would I tell my friends "he cheated", but I would still probably dump him, for serious disrespect/incompatible values.

[kellbell]

So yes, no or not sure:

 

1.) Drunken kiss under the mistletoe with friend yes

1a.) Drunken kiss under the mistletoe with near stranger yes

 

2.) Dancing “grind style” with someone yes

 

3.) going to the strippers not sure about this, meaning going to a strip club?? I don't have a problem with an occasional visit to these places, for ha-ha's or bachelor party, but too much or trying to get a date, well yes, I would have an issue with it.

 

4.) getting a lap dance (from a stripper) yes

 

5.) looking at porn on the internet (or DVD, magazine etc) Occasional thing or something we do together, not a big deal, addiction/obessive looking is a problem.

 

6.) on-line sex (cyber sex) webcam/chat etc with someone you don’t know (ie a service) yes

 

7.) Solo masturbating while looking at porn Again, moderation, too much of this can be an issue.

 

8.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about a “unobtainable” celebrity (ex: Scarlett Johansen or Janet Reno) uh, not sure about that one.

 

9.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about some you know (and it thereforeeee kinda obtainable - co-worker, friend, the waiter/waitress from the restaurant yes

 

10.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about an old relationship yes

 

11.) Checking out people (the quick butt check or leer or whatever) I mean glancing or noticing, not a big deal, but leering or oogling, that is disrespectful.

 

12.) Checking out online dating services/craig’s list (but not actually signing up for them or doing anything about it) yes

 

13.) Talking to/confiding in member of the opposite sex about your relationship yes

 

14.) flirting with someone you know yes

 

15.) flirting with someone you don't know (the mechanic, the waitress etc) yes

[Clementine orange]

Ok, having replied and seen other replies, I guess it's really a matter of the word "cheating". As I said in my reply, plenty of these things I would not technically consider cheating, nor would I tell my friends "he cheated", but I would still probably dump him, for serious disrespect/incompatible values.

 

Maybe I should have catagorized "cheating" into

1.) firing offense (breakup)

2.) stern talking to

3.) not happy about it but I suppose

4.) mildly not happy about it

5.) I just don't want to know about that...

[agent1607307371]

I seriously doubt that many couples produce a list (signed and witnessed ..."being of sound mind" ....) as to what is acceptable or not. Personally I would be very insulted if a partner set out "rules" for acceptable behavior as she saw them. I'd prefer to go with my own personal levels of morality rather than have them set out by someone else.

 

"And agreed on"

 

I've never been in a traditional monogamy assumed relationship. Each time I've entered into one we've sat down and laid out what our bottom lines are, what our comfort zones are, what our definite needs are ect.

 

Many couples do not. But it might have helped them if they did.

 

Besides, when you marry, you basically do the same thing, though the list is generally not tailored to the specific relationship.

[sophie274]

Maybe I should have catagorized "cheating" into

1.) firing offense (breakup)

2.) stern talking to

3.) not happy about it but I suppose

4.) mildly not happy about it

5.) I just don't want to know about that...

 

Ha ha! I suppose most of those things would fall between firing offense and stern talking to for me, although few of them I would call cheating.

 

As to masturbating to celebrity/ex/someone he knew ... if he told me sure I would probably be hurt, but I just don't want to know, and I would expect him to have the courtesy not to tell me. If I never knew, I would not care, as long as it was strictly fantasy.

[kellbell]

" Each time I've entered into one we've sat down and laid out what our bottom lines are, what our comfort zones are, what our definite needs are ect."

 

This is what me and my current boyfriend dicussed in great detail before we became exclusive. Good thing is, we agreed on many if not all of the scenarios we thought of.

 

I have to agree, many couples do not have this discussion, perhaps because they are so wrapped up in the honeymoon feelings and so forth and that everything will be perfect, that they do have the real life discussions. Plus, I feel folks assume that the other is on on the same page until something happens, like the guy expressing interest in going to a strip club with his friends and the girl going all crazy about it and thinks it is cheating. I have seen this over and over and over and over on eNotAlone. I truly is very important to lay down these boundries early on in the relationship.

[Jayar]

In general, I view physical or emotional relationship with other women in REAL LIFE as cheating. I don't view any form of masturbation (even with external stimuli) as cheating, and I certainly wouldn't presume to tell my partner what he can THINK about during the act. Of course, in an ideal world a man would be so enamored with me that he wouldn't think of other women. But in real life, he's more than welcome to pleasure himself, window shop, but no trying on ther merchandise or leaving fingerprints on the glass.

 

This of course ALL assumes that none of his solo-sex, flirting, etc interferes with OUR sex life. Once that happens, it becomes a problem. But then it isn't about cheating, the man has a mental illness.

 

My responses are below:

[pinkelephant]

5,7, and 11 (unless leering) are no's. I don't get #12, what do you mean by checking out dating services? Just seeing what they're about or what they're like? With or without intentions? The rest, yes. definitely i'd consider them cheating.

 

I find it very weird that people don't think #8 is cheating. & For the person who said they'd rather not know.. how much intimacy do you really have with your partner then?

 

 

I'm as inexperience in relationships as they come, so maybe I'm still very idealistic when it comes to romantic love.. but that's my opinion.

[EvaGina]

anything that your partner is uncomfortable with

if you have differing views of what is and what is not cheating, then you are incompatible...

[sophie274]

 

I find it very weird that people don't think #8 is cheating. & For the person who said they'd rather not know.. how much intimacy do you really have with your partner then?

 

Do you talk to your SO about what he is thinking when he is masturbating?

 

I don't. Honestly I think whatever is in his mind is part of HIS private life, and as Jayar said, I would not be presumptuous enough to try to police his thoughts. I think it is quite common to have thoughts or crushes about someone else while in a relationship. Especially in a LT relationship, I think people ARE tempted, and what I particularly care about is that my boyfriend does not give into temptation, not that he doesn't get tempted.

[waytoodown]

I think cheating is pretty much anything your not comfortable with your partner doing and the same goes the other way... But here are my answers...

 

So yes, no or not sure:

 

1.) Drunken kiss under the mistletoe with friend -Yes

1a.) Drunken kiss under the mistletoe with near stranger -Yes

2.) Dancing “grind style” with someone -Yes

3.) going to the strippers -Depends, if it's just a bachelor party or wtv it's okay, but I'd have trouble if he was going there weekly

4.) getting a lap dance (from a stripper) -Same answer as above I guess...

5.) looking at porn on the internet (or DVD, magazine etc) -No, as long as it's not too often

6.) on-line sex (cyber sex) webcam/chat etc with someone you don’t know (ie a service) -Yes

 

7.) Solo masturbating while looking at porn -No, again, as long as it's not too often ( like, not every day)

8.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about a “unobtainable” celebrity (ex: Scarlett Johansen or Janet Reno) -No

 

9.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about some you know (and it thereforeeee kinda obtainable - co-worker, friend, the waiter/waitress from the restaurant -No

10.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about an old relationship -No ( I wouldn't want my bf to be thinking about that, but you don't control what other ppl think of...)

 

11.) Checking out people (the quick butt check or leer or whatever) -Hahaha, No!! Everyone does that once in a while

 

12.) Checking out online dating services/craig’s list (but not actually signing up for them or doing anything about it) -No, if it's just for laughs or wtv ( as long as he's not signing up for it or anything)

 

13.) Talking to/confiding in member of the opposite sex about your relationship -No...though if it's too much, I'd consider it emotional cheating.

 

14.) flirting with someone you know - No

 

15.) flirting with someone you don't know (the mechanic, the waitress etc) -No

[gobbledegook]

1.) Drunken kiss under the mistletoe with friend - No...

.) Drunken kiss under the mistletoe with near stranger - No...

2.) Dancing “grind style” with someone - No clue, but really edging on the side of yes.

3.) going to the strippers - No... Nothing wrong with looking as long as you don't touch.

4.) getting a lap dance (from a stripper) - Yes. definitly

5.) looking at porn on the internet (or DVD, magazine etc) - No.

6.) on-line sex (cyber sex) webcam/chat etc with someone you don’t know (ie a service) - Grey area in between.

7.) Solo masturbating while looking at porn - No.

8.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about a “unobtainable” celebrity (ex: Scarlett Johansen or Janet Reno) - No.

9.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about some you know (and it thereforeeee kinda obtainable - co-worker, friend, the waiter/waitress from the restaurant - No.

10) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about an old relationship - No.

11) Checking out people (the quick butt check or leer or whatever) - No.

12) Checking out online dating services/craig’s list (but not actually signing up for them or doing anything about it) - Nope, but a cause for worry.

13) Talking to/confiding in member of the opposite sex about your relationship - No, definitely not. I talk to my close friends about everything.

14) flirting with someone you know - Depends on the seriousness of the flirting... I play around with a lot of people, but it's not serious, and thereforeeee doesn't get in the way of my relationship.

15) flirting with someone you don't know (the mechanic, the waitress etc) - Define 'flirting' actually... But I say nope.

 

Agent kinda has a point... It's going to change with the people. My girlfriend and I are pretty open about things. She knows I look at porn every once in a while; she knows I'll look if someone attractive walks by, and I know she does the same. It's just a kind of release to let your mind wander to the unrealistic. As long as it's not taking us away from each other, then we don't care.

[Batya33]

1.) Drunken kiss under the mistletoe with friend not sure (depends what kind of kiss)

1a.) Drunken kiss under the mistletoe with near stranger not sure - if a romantic kiss, then, yes)

 

2.) Dancing “grind style” with someone yes

 

3.) going to the strippers no

 

4.) getting a lap dance (from a stripper) yes

 

5.) looking at porn on the internet (or DVD, magazine etc) no

 

6.) on-line sex (cyber sex) webcam/chat etc with someone you don’t know (ie a service) no

 

7.) Solo masturbating while looking at porn no

 

8.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about a “unobtainable” celebrity (ex: Scarlett Johansen or Janet Reno)no

 

9.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about some you know (and it thereforeeee kinda obtainable - co-worker, friend, the waiter/waitress from the restaurant no

 

10.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about an old relationship no

 

11.) Checking out people (the quick butt check or leer or whatever) no

 

12.) Checking out online dating services/craig’s list (but not actually signing up for them or doing anything about it) no

 

13.) Talking to/confiding in member of the opposite sex about your relationship no

 

14.) flirting with someone you know no

 

15.) flirting with someone you don't know (the mechanic, the waitress etc)

no

 

I would define some of those activities as tacky, inappropriate or inconsistent with a committed relationship.

[pacopaco]

I think cheating is anything that you have to lie about to your partner. You're cheating them out of your honesty and trust. Even sex with another person doesn't have to be cheating, if your partner knows, and somehow is OK with it.

[starlight]

What is the definition of 'flirting' in this survey. Talking, looking at people from accross the room to make eye contact with the 'hope that they'll approach, body language???

[pinkelephant]

Do you talk to your SO about what he is thinking when he is masturbating?

 

I don't. Honestly I think whatever is in his mind is part of HIS private life, and as Jayar said, I would not be presumptuous enough to try to police his thoughts. I think it is quite common to have thoughts or crushes about someone else while in a relationship. Especially in a LT relationship, I think people ARE tempted, and what I particularly care about is that my boyfriend does not give into temptation, not that he doesn't get tempted.

 

When I did have one, yea, we talked about everything.

 

When I was with him, nobody compared to him in my mind. I was probably in love. I would never fantasize about someone else, everybody else became less in my eyes and he was just it. HE was the fantasy. HE was everything I could ever wanted, will ever want, or need.

 

When I'm in an exclusive relationship, I'd expect 100% commitment. That part of commitment is also committing not only his body but his mind - that he wouldn't be fantasizing about other people, real or not. It takes away from our own intimacy. It takes away from the relationship because he's not completely 100% committed. If I only want someone who's committing their body for me, I'd call that a fbuddy, not a SO.

 

So, yeah. I wouldn't try to police his thoughts either. I'd just decide that he's not for me.

[sophie274]

I guess I think it is unrealistic to expect my boyfriend to never have a stray thought. Sure, if he was getting off to some other girl he knew every day, then I would be hurt if I found out, and I also think he would be close to actually cheating or breaking up ... But I think temptation is quite normal, and to me, it is a sign of an even greater commitment to resist temptation, stay committed even though some girl is flirting with him. Even though someone has committed his mind, I think it is possible for some "corrupting" thoughts to slip in, and I would want my boyfriend to be able to manage those, not never have them.

 

I know in my current relationship, I went through a bit where I was unhappy in the relationship and had a mini-crush on this other guy I knew. I recognized my feelings, dealt with them, and now have eliminated those thoughts and am feeling great about my boyfriend again. I think this is typical of long-term relationships - ups and downs and not always "romantic" 'in love" love, but commitment and attachment.

 

Just to clarify, this is a subject that would be private for me, and I would not talk about with a boyfriend, so if he were to bring this up ("so the other day i was masturbating to another girl") I would find it disrespectful and inappropriate, and be quite hurt.

 

Ultimately though, as long as we find someone who thinks or can agree to think the same, anything goes!