What is the definition of cheating - a survey

[macgyver4ever]

Thanks, this is a good idea.

 

1.) YES

1a.) YES

2.) YES- PROBABLY

3.) NO

4.) NO

5.) NO

6.) YES

7.) NO

8.) NO

9.) NO

10.) NO

11.) NO

12.) NOT SURE

13.) NOT SURE

14.) NOT SURE

15.) NOT SURE

[Batya33]

Luckily, the wedding vows do not require promises not to "think" about other people and I assume my bf or any of my bfs likely had a rich fantasy life - no, I don't want that shared with me - that would be tacky if it was about another woman or even an imaginary woman - but he is entitled to his own private thoughts so long as his actions are loyal and faithful to me. The "I should be all he ever thinks about" is unrealistic and I wouldn't question his love, loyalty or devotion for a second if that were not the case but nor would I ask him "do you ever ___" because why open that can of worms? Why risk feeling insecure about your partner's fantasy life - it's like the Carly Simon song about "We Have No Secrets" discussing the pitfalls of knowing "too much" about your partner's past or fantasy life.

 

I also think a healthy fantasy life is a good outlet and substitute for temptation to actually cheat which we all have experienced at least once in our lives - the temptation I mean, not the act of cheating.

[sophie274]

Thanks for expressing my thoughts way more eloquently than I did! Great post, Batya.

[Leonhart]

Wel, I can't not base my answers on my morality, but I'll spare you the lecture. How's that? lol

 

Anyway, here are my responses for each:

 

1. Not sure for both lol (intent is key, depends on how drunk)

 

2. No, but it's getting pretty damn close

 

3. Yes indeed!

 

4. Absolutely

 

5. Of course

 

6. Doubtless (means yes lol)

 

7. Yepperoo

 

8. For sure

 

9. Same as above

 

10. Again, yes

 

11. No

 

12. Depends on what their intent is (intent is key, like in a court of law)

 

13. No way

 

14. No, but if you're married... I might consider this cheating (hell, if you're married ALL of my answers would be a yes... except for 13 lol)

 

15. Same as above answer

 

Aren't I the ideal mate? lol

[treefrogkate]

I've never been in a traditional monogamy assumed relationship. Each time I've entered into one we've sat down and laid out what our bottom lines are, what our comfort zones are, what our definite needs are ect.

 

Many couples do not. But it might have helped them if they did.

 

Besides, when you marry, you basically do the same thing, though the list is generally not tailored to the specific relationship.

 

I agree wholeheartedly. My boyfriend and I talked about what we consider cheating when we first decided to be "boyfriend/girlfriend". We both talked about needing to know that we are in a monogamous relationship, where we would draw the line as to what we considered cheating, and even what we would do if either of us started thinking of straying. It's important to talk about this so that there are no surprises later on.

 

As far as answers go, there aren't any cut and dry answers to some of them. I'd take each situation as it comes. But I've tried to put an answer anyway.

 

1.) Drunken kiss under the mistletoe with friend:

Depends on which friend and what type of kiss. There is a certain friend with a history with him (they never had a relationship or had sex, but she cheated on her boyfriend with my boy before I met him), and I would feel very uncomfortable with him kissing her, and would consider it... not cheating, but a definite betrayal. But I know he respects that, and would not do that. If it was just a friendly kiss with anyone else, no.

 

1a.) Drunken kiss under the mistletoe with near stranger: If it was making out, I'd feel uncomfortable about it. Just a friendly kiss, no.

 

2.) Dancing “grind style” with someone: Without my knowledge, depends on how hot and heavy it is. I have been known to call out "*boyfriend's name* sandwhich!" when dancing with my really good girl friends and we'll all surround him and dance with him, lol. It's all in good fun, and they are all really close with me so I know nothing funny's going to go on.

 

3.) going to the strippers: I think it's tacky, and he agrees. He only goes for bachelor parties and the like, so as long as I know, no.

 

4.) getting a lap dance (from a stripper): Yes. I don't want anyone else touching him like that. He knows this and agrees.

 

5.) looking at porn on the internet (or DVD, magazine etc): No.

 

6.) on-line sex (cyber sex) webcam/chat etc with someone you don’t know (ie a service): Not cheating, per se, but it's close. It's not as bad if it's a service and not someone he knows, but it would still make me unhappy.

 

7.) Solo masturbating while looking at porn: No.

 

8.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about a “unobtainable” celebrity (ex: Scarlett Johansen or Janet Reno): No (*shudder* at Janet Reno).

 

9.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about some you know (and it thereforeeee kinda obtainable - co-worker, friend, the waiter/waitress from the restaurant: No, but I'd be really unhappy to hear he'd been fantasizing about the aforementioned friend.

 

10.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about an old relationship: See 9.

 

11.) Checking out people (the quick butt check or leer or whatever): No (tacky if it's really obvious though).

 

12.) Checking out online dating services/craig’s list (but not actually signing up for them or doing anything about it): No. If there's no intention to meet these people, why should it bother me?

 

13.) Talking to/confiding in member of the opposite sex about your relationship: Depends on who the member of the opposite sex is (I'd be really hurt if it was the aforementioned friend). If it was someone he was attracted to, I'd consider it cheating. If not, then no.

 

14.) flirting with someone you know: Once again, it depends on the friend (yes, I have issues with that girl!). And it also depends on the flirting. If it's harmless joking around, no. If it's steamy talk about doing naughty things with each other, yes.

 

15.) flirting with someone you don't know (the mechanic, the waitress etc): Same as 14.

[treefrogkate]

P.S. This is an excellent conversation starter, BTW. I'm now having a discussion about cheating with my boyfriend.

[metrogirl]

Numbers 2, 4, and 6 would be no no's.

[RayKay]

Well, first off I agree with whomever said that these are things that as a couple you should discuss as to your boundaries.

 

And I have never seen it as an uncomfortable situation at all; it is better to know boundaries BEFORE than find them out AFTER as often someone has a very different idea of cheating.

 

If more couples would do this, there would be less of "I never thought he would do this, I thought we were on same page" later.

 

My answers are below....

[MissIndigo]

Here are my answers and thoughts:

 

 

 

I'd like to elaborate on #12 and #13.

 

#12--I would not have thought that before I met my most recent ex though. He and I had some mighty good haha's over the casual enounters section of CL, but when I found out he'd used it to find encounters before he met me, my tune changed. He ended up using it as a vehicle again when we were on our first break, and now that we're over for good, he's using another dating site. LESSON: What's past is prologue. If another boyfriend ever suggests laughing over CL or any other online dating service, I will raise an eyebrow, no matter how innocent the laughs may seem. Experience has taught me that the laughs probably won't be so innocent...

 

#13--The nature of the conversation, whether looking for relationship advice or talking about matters of a sexual nature or family secrets complicates this scenario, and I would deem the latter two ideas as breach of trust, at the very least. Now I had a very dear guy friend with whom I would talk about relationship issues with, both his and mine, and we often had sage, productive conversations. He was a mutual friend of my ex and me, which I think alleviates some awkwardness of this point.

 

I've experienced some level of this. My exBF's "best friend" was female and she would often like to tease him to get him to guess how far she was going with her current partner. I understand some of the sex talk, on her part, went pretty far. Whether or not my exBF elaborated about us, I don't know, but this was an issue of discomfort I had with him and one I DEFINITELY don't miss. Had we been any longer term, I'm sure it would have been an issue of contention, sadly with me likely losing out since the "friend" was in his life several years before he met me.

 

I like this post and the issues it raises. I don't know how statistics on each point could be extracted since there's not a cut-and-dry yes or no for many of them--for my one-word answers, I put which way I felt strongest about when presented with the issues at face-value only.

[Batya33]

I don't think all on line dating services are the same. I would be very uncomfortable if someone had used a casual encounters site or sex-focused site before he met me because that is not compatible with my values but if he used the same type of dating site I did (which has occurred both when I've met the guy in real life and through a dating site because they are that popular in my area) then it would not be an issue. If he used that same dating site when we were on a break that would be understandable if we had agreed we could date others while on the break. If he used a "casual encounters" site while we were on a break it wouldn't be cheating but it would make me question the relationship because it would reflect a drastic change in values.

[MissIndigo]

I don't think all on line dating services are the same. I would be very uncomfortable if someone had used a casual encounters site or sex-focused site before he met me because that is not compatible with my values but if he used the same type of dating site I did (which has occurred both when I've met the guy in real life and through a dating site because they are that popular in my area) then it would not be an issue. If he used that same dating site when we were on a break that would be understandable if we had agreed we could date others while on the break. If he used a "casual encounters" site while we were on a break it wouldn't be cheating but it would make me question the relationship because it would reflect a drastic change in values.

 

Definitely posting on the casual encounter oriented sites isn't healthy imo, and it was one of the first signs I had about my guy at the time that there was probably big differences in values when it comes to dating and how to meet people (I like how you succinctly addressed the values issue in your post...it's very much like what I was getting at by sharing my experience).

 

Not everyone online is looking for that quick hook-up I know and many do respect the purpose of other dating or social networking sites. When my most recent ex-BF moved on to the other dating site, however, he failed to tell me his intentions until after he'd posted a profile and already met other women there. (We met in real life as opposed to online...I'm not an online dater.) By far what's worse is the element of betrayal involved rather than the vehicle he used. And the values lessons too will be highly considered when getting to know future partners so I'll make a healthier decision about a LTR with someone.

[Batya33]

Yes - the other thing to consider is that most of those adult sex sites probably permit browsing without joining, so actually joining is making a statement about intentions. I also don't mean to judge those for whom it would be ok - and who would be compatible with a person who was interested in casual encounters.

[Sheeps]

I think that we (and all reasonable people) can include cheating as being physical with someone who is not your "other". Physical as in groping, kissing, and whatnot – even if actuall intercourse doesn’t occur. But what about the other possible grey areas.

 

Let’s do a straw poll here for the sake of discussion. Let’s leave the morality- lecturing side of things out of it for now as well as gender and orientation. All of the below being performed without the knowledge or consent of partner.

 

So yes, no or not sure:

 

1.) Drunken kiss under the mistletoe with friend

YES probably if going for it!

1a.) Drunken kiss under the mistletoe with near stranger

YES probably if going for it!

2.) Dancing “grind style” with someone

NO but surprising

 

3.) going to the strippers

NO

 

4.) getting a lap dance (from a stripper)

NO

 

5.) looking at porn on the internet (or DVD, magazine etc)

NO

6.) on-line sex (cyber sex) webcam/chat etc with someone you don’t know (ie a service)

NO but surprising

7.) Solo masturbating while looking at porn

Sad but not cheating

 

8.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about a “unobtainable” celebrity (ex: Scarlett Johansen or Janet Reno)

Think positive who says they're unobtainable. Sad but not cheating.

 

9.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about some you know (and it thereforeeee kinda obtainable - co-worker, friend, the waiter/waitress from the restaurant

NO

 

10.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about an old relationship

NO

11.) Checking out people (the quick butt check or leer or whatever)

NO natural

12.) Checking out online dating services/craig’s list (but not actually signing up for them or doing anything about it)

NO

13.) Talking to/confiding in member of the opposite sex about your relationship

NO

14.) flirting with someone you know

NO

15.) flirting with someone you don't know (the mechanic, the waitress etc)

NOT REALLY BUT SURPRISING

 

............................

[Curlywurly]

good questions.

[yeawutever]

The real definition of cheating is anything you would not do in your partner's face, if you had to hide the act or be concern about your partner being hurt after certain boundaries have been establish then it is cheating.

[yeawutever]

As for me these are my answers:

 

1.) Drunken kiss under the mistletoe with friend (yes)

1a.) Drunken kiss under the mistletoe with near stranger (yes)

 

2.) Dancing “grind style” with someone (No though it can be disrespectful to some people)

 

3.) going to the strippers (No, though if you're overly flirty with them it can be disrespectful)

 

4.) getting a lap dance (from a stripper) (NO)

 

5.) looking at porn on the internet (or DVD, magazine etc) (NO, I done that myself)

 

6.) on-line sex (cyber sex) webcam/chat etc with someone you don’t know (ie a service) (Not really, just b/c you may write about your fantasies to someone online doesn't mean you're actually gonna do in person, many people like joking around just for the fun of it and they don't mean anything, they're not serious about it)

 

7.) Solo masturbating while looking at porn (NO)

 

8.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about a “unobtainable” celebrity (ex: Scarlett Johansen or Janet Reno) (NO, done it myself)

 

9.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about some you know (and it thereforeeee kinda obtainable - co-worker, friend, the waiter/waitress from the restaurant (NO)

 

10.) Solo masturbating while fantasizing about an old relationship (NO)

 

11.) Checking out people (the quick butt check or leer or whatever) (NO but it can be annoying if you constantly do it)

 

12.) Checking out online dating services/craig’s list (but not actually signing up for them or doing anything about it) (NO, people joke around like that)

 

13.) Talking to/confiding in member of the opposite sex about your relationship (Not really though it has to be with someone you trust)

 

14.) flirting with someone you know (NO)

 

15.) flirting with someone you don't know (the mechanic, the waitress etc) (NO, I done it)