Just out it together that husband sees prostitutes

[Hope4u2]

I thought I would post here in long term marriages, as oppossed to infidelity. My situation is fairly unique, and I have nowhere to turn.

 

I have been married for 26 years, most of them happy, but not without struggles. We have 3 children together, and even 2 precious grandkids. I was diagnosed 8 years ago with recurrent breast cancer that had metastized to bones. Alot of the last 8 years have been tough, mostly on me, but also my family. Its amazing that I'm still around, as I'm going against the odds. We have always enjoyed a very satisfying sexual relationship, until maybe the past year or so. Most of this is due to narcotic pain medicine I have pretty much been on continuosly-which frankly, there is NO sexual urge. I am still very attractive, in spite of my illness, and never had a problem with men noticing me.

 

My husband works very hard, and earns a pretty decent living, and is also a very giving person. Problem is he is an "A type "personality, and I fear he is headed for a heart attack in the very near future. He is also ADHD, and is an addictive personality.

 

Here is where the story starts: Two days ago, my husband came home from working (Saturday), and went right in to shower. As I was in our bathroom maybe a half hour later, I noticed 2 what appeared small little spiders, crawling out of the shower. With tweezers, I picked them up to examine closer, only to find out they were crabs. He had also shaved his pubic hair, which he has done several times in the past 6 months. I confronted him about this before, to ask why he did this? He said that it was more sensouly arousing, although I thought, hmmmm for someone else? Also, I noticed about 6 months ago, that I had lesions on my genitalia, but thought it was due to any number of medications I have been on, including antibiotics. Being NAIVE to STD's, because I have never had any, didn't think alot of it. Well, I now know that I have herpes, on top of all my other health issues.

 

I feel SOOOO betrayed, but my husband is really the only person I have in my life. He takes care of me, I take care of him. This deviant sexual behavior is unimaginable to me, that he would risk our health even further. I know now, that he has been with prostitutes, several times in the past 6 months.

 

I am at such a loss here. I have been at home out of work for the past 8 years, for the last several babysitting our grandson every day. We live in the country,although I love it, I have been very isolated over the years. Have no friends, lost them when I stopped working, and no other family, other than our kids- two of which are grown and out of the house. Our baby, 16, is still home. I feel like walking out and not sure if I would return. I know I have not caused him to act like this, he chose this himself. I have been very unhappy in our marriage for the past few years-always wanting to work on it-but he just revertes into himself. He is addicted to work, sex and pot- in that order.

 

Not sure what to do now-but I do know that my husband will be the only one to help care for me in my waining health. If anyone who has been married a long time, has any insight in what I might do, please tell me.

[fnlyfrei]

Firstly..wow about you and you being a breast cancer survivor...you sound like an awsome person. You also must understand the fragility and shortness of our time on this planet. You only have one life...and you are the only one who has the power to change it and live it the way you want to.

Your husband....sheesh...I know you love him...but damn!!! Giving a person already struggling with their health herpes? The crabs?!?! He is nasty !!!! And apparently seeing nasty, dirty people...and bringing it home to you !

It is up to you. If you decide you can live this way...no one can judge I suppose. If you cannot live this way...YOU need to change it. You deserve peace, happiness, and to spend your precious time on this earth not worrying about the garbage HE is mixed up in. If I were you...I would get a seperation, make sure he was supporting you financially and distance yourself from him....and look into the things that will make YOU happy...be it yoga, books, lots of new friends...travel...there is a great big world out there.

 

Life is too short to allow yourself to live in personal hell someone else is imposing on you.

 

Just my opinian. (I was married for 19 years by the way...I am much happier now than I ever was !!!)

 

((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

[Hope4u2]

Looks like my previous post went into the wrong spot. Are there any people here 50 and over, in long term marriages, like 20 years or more?

[BellaDonna]

Hi and welcome to enotalone. I am sorry that you are going through this.

 

When your husband told you about the prostitutes, did he seem at all remorseful? Did he show any motivation to make it work for example, a desire to go to marriage counseling?

 

 

but I do know that my husband will be the only one to help care for me in my waining health.

 

Aside from this reason, would you want to stay in the marriage otherwise?

 

It seems like you feel like a "prisoner" because of your health. You mentioned that you have 3 children. I am sure that they will help you however they can too.

 

I'm sure you must be apalled that your husband put you in such a vulnerable position and gave you an STD.

 

My advice is that if you are only staying in the marriage because you fear that no one will take care of you- it's a very bad idea.

 

If you stay with your husband while you are harboring fear and resentment, and also because you feel "trapped"- it will be very bad for your MENTAL health. You may be taken care of physcially, but it will be a very sad life.

 

No one can tell you what would be best for you in this situation. Some marriages can be saved against all odds if BOTH parties want to make it work, however in other cases once the costs of the relationship consistently outweigh the benefits, then it's time to walk.

 

IMO, the prostitutes and STD's are a major offense. But only you know if you could ever look beyond it an be happy with him again.

 

One thing I think you need to know is that you DO have other options. It might be scary to think of them now because you've been married for so long and also because you worry about your health, but I think the fact that you have 3 kids, some grown, means that you will not be alone through this.

 

BellaDonna

 

P.S. I'm not over 50 but I am married and have been with my husband for a 11 years so I hope I can help a little. We do have members who are over 50 and who are still married or who got divorced after many years of marriage so hopefully they will chime in too.

[Hope4u2]

Thanks for your post. Where in CO do you live? I used to live in Denver (Englewood)-sure do miss it!

I know, this is plain nasty. Guess he feels like if he visits these type of women (?), he is not entering into an emotional relationship. I think he is plain selfish. What hurts more is how he pretty much ignores me when he is home. I am an educated person, who lost her carreer, and feel very badly about that. However, I have so many interests in life, some that I have somewhat pursued, and so many things that I love. I know only I can change this, but its very hard. He makes it hard for me to have my own life.

 

I am thinking I will probably separate, at least temporarily, and also advice him to seek therapy.

 

I would say that 19 years is a long time to be married. So glad that you are happy!

[Hope4u2]

Thanks for your post, and your insight. He has not told me about this yet-but I will be confronting him before weeks end.

[Jetta]

Sounds just awful. Well I know you need to stay with him. Seek treatment for the STD's and then ask your husband why. Were you pushing him away? If so don't, yeah I know but really he has needs. He's choosen to stay with you (in sickness), but he mishandled the sexual situation.

 

This is real life and running away isn't always the best answer.

 

Compromise and communication are needed here.

 

You're sick. You're dying. Who knows how long you have to live. He probably doesn't know what he'll do without you, he's acting out. It's horrible what he's done here. But he's done it to himself too.

 

Can you meet with a marriage counselor or a therapist. I think you both are running on high emotions and need a mediator of someshort.

 

You've beat the odds so far, keep going.

[ghost69]

WHOA. this OP is crazy. not good at all. you need to say something. you are pretty much telling us that you are trusting this guy with your life and he is doing this to you at the same time. very bad.

[Mun]

He makes it hard for me to have my own life.

 

I am thinking I will probably separate, at least temporarily, and also advice him to seek therapy.

 

 

Hello there,

I would just like to applaud you for having the courage to walk out in spite of your illness. So many people choose to stay in a bad situation and they don't have the health issues that you do. You sound like a remarkable person.

 

Have you looked into getting some help from home nursing or relatives if you should need care?

[fnlyfrei]

I do not agree with the last poster about "running away".....When you are going through hell...keep going as they say...and I say you need to look out yourself. Playing the martyr doesn't earn respect from anyone. Especially self-centered people like your husband. Stand up for yourself !!! You were feisty enough to make it this far....I am sure you can rock his socks with how strong and independent you can be. Stop being a doormat !!!

 

I live like a mile just outside of Denver....and I LOVE Colorado !!! What general area are you in???

[Hope4u2]

Thanks all so far for your posts, and very keen insight. I find myself today, almost as sick as I felt yesterday. Not only am I now having anxiety, but also can't sleep or eat. The not eating and not sleeping has been normal for me for awhile. Can't afford to lose any more weight or sleep. Add to this on top of a major complication I have been suffering with for the past 2 years. This complication is due to a few IV drugs I had been on for five years for the cancer in my bones. What this drug did was made my part of my jawbone die, with a major infection that will not go away after 2 years, even after taking serious antibiotics. Now I have herpes on top of this. No wonder I am so exhausted, and can barely get out of bed and function anymore, add to that some depression too. I live in snowny, gloomy, central New York, which I have never really liked much.

 

I am now looking into the past, and am putting the pieces of this puzzle together, as far as my husband's actions go.I guess he always had his secretive side, and obviously for a reason. He has a history of straying in the past, however, this was early on in our marriage. Maybe he has been doing this all along, I don't know. He has pretty much shut me out for the past several years, I guess thats why I had pretty much lost my attraction for him.

 

What I don't quite understand, are his conflicting emotions about me. He loves me, but he hates me, if that makes any sense. On the one handhe is very nurturing, gives me flowers, makes me breakfast in bed, does laundry, dishes, etc., but almost every morning before he goes to work, I hear him calling me nasty names, talking to himself. I know he is just trying to turn this around on me, because of his own guilt-but I'm not buying it. He is treating me very badly now, and I can't even stand to be in the same room with him, let alone house. I feel relieved when he walks out the door-strange huh, for someone who used to give me such much comfort, and hope?

 

We have had several major losses lately, my Mom died last week, his Dad died 4 weeks ago, both ill. Our son is in the Navy, and has been away from home far away for the past 8 months-this has been very hard on us both. We both have large families, and they have all turned their backs on me (us), increasingly over the years, but especially since my cancer had returned, and become terminal. I have always been strong, independent, and determined, but people, especially family, have not been very nice to me. I have spent most of my life doing for others, but no one will do for me-not even a phone call with a few kind words. I don't think I can tell any of my kids about this, to confide in them-it would devastate them. However, if I leave, they will know that something major is up.

 

I know when I do confront my husband about this, he will deny, deny, deny. He has done so in the past, even with evidence right in front of his face. Does he think I'm stupid?

 

Sorry for rambling, but my heart and my brain are not functioning well.

[Hope4u2]

Well, spent the last few days being really sick about this. I should have confronted him days ago, when I was angry. I'm not sure why I haven't let him know that he has brought home 2 STD's, and know what he's been doing for the past 6 months or so. Is it because I'm watching, and waiting for him to hang himself further... or because as his soulmate, I'm trying to understand his actions, and why he felt the need to be with sex workers??

 

Emotionally, I haven't been getting much out of him for years-but have I gone out and looked for another relationship...No, I haven't. Just because he was getting reduced sex at home, gives him no reason for getting it somewhere else. And of all the places. Even though my husband has repeatedly jeopordised our relationship, and my health, I still feel that he loves me... is this crazy or what?

 

I have a Dr.'s appt. today- to be checked for STD's. I already know that the Herpes will come out positive, but what I'm even more fearful of is HIV. How many times will I have to be tested for that I wonder? He is still suffering with the crabs, and thankfully, I have not. Its been hard sleeping in the same bed as him...yuck!

 

Unfortunately, we are going away together this weekend, alone..., and I'm pretty much dreading it. I thought that I may confront him then, as our 16 year old daughter would then not be privy to any of this. If I confront him now-she will hear and witness the reactions, and I do not want that happening.I think thats why I have been waiting to confront him, but the longer I wait- the more I am losing my guts. I am really asking myself why, and now I am really confused. Being 49 years old, and having been with this man for the past 28 years, and confronting my end of life issues... I should know better. What the heck is the matter with me??

[BellaDonna]

Unfortunately, we are going away together this weekend, alone..., and I'm pretty much dreading it. I thought that I may confront him then, as our 16 year old daughter would then not be privy to any of this.

 

I think that would be the perfect time to confront him, especially since you want to shield your daughter from it. I think you need to confront him soon because it sounds like living with him in this current situation is getting pretty unbearable:

 

He is still suffering with the crabs, and thankfully, I have not. Its been hard sleeping in the same bed as him...yuck!

 

 

You should not have to live under these conditions.

 

Good luck at your doctor's appointment. I hope things work out the best they possibly can for you in this situation,

 

BellaDonna

[fnlyfrei]

I have a friend who was engaged...he found out after going to the DR. that the gastrointestinal problems he was having was STAGE FOUR prostate cancer. Needless to say, he was rushed into surgery and they left him with the inability to have children and other problems. When he was going through all this...when he needed her most..when he was the sickest...his fiance' bailed on him. So not only was he sick, fighting for his life, he was dealing with a very broken heart. Some people are incapable of being strong for others...some do a piss-poor job of showing their love. It isn't fair...but it also seems to show a persons true character. Your husband seems to be there to help...he must love you. But he is also battling terrible addictions and weaknesses. I think your strength kind of accentuates your differences.

I for one, would put the lower half of his body in a zip-loc before I would sleep next to him. I saw your picture, you are beautiful. Sorry he is acting like a putz.

[SummerGirl38]

. Stand up for yourself !!! You were feisty enough to make it this far....I am sure you can rock his socks with how strong and independent you can be. Stop being a doormat !!!

 

She took the words right out of my mouth. Don't wait until your final days to say... I wish I would have...

[arwen]

I just read your post, and I am so sorry you are going through SO much at this time. I wish I could make it go away for you. Your illness, the cheating husband, all of it.

 

Please don't blame yourself for what is happening. You did not choose to be ill this way, and even if your libido has decreased because of the medicaments, your illness, that does NOT justify your husband's behaviour. Yes people have 'needs'. But a marriage vow means a commitment in good and bad times. That means loyalty, especially in those difficult circumstances. My mom and dad have been married for 30+ years and my mom had cancer when I was 11 years old. My father is a very caring man, who has taken care of her (and me and my sister) and never left her side. On the other hand, my aunt passed away from cancer last year and her husband of nearly 50 years really couldn't handle it that well. He shut down and became emotionally completely unavailable. That was very hard for the rest of the family (esp. their children). I don't know, I think that it really depends on the person.

 

What do you want to happen if you confront your husband? Do you want a separation? Do your children know about this?

 

As for getting tested for HIV... keep in mind that both Herpes and crabs can spread easily, MUCH more easily than HIV. Crabs are usually in the area that is not protected by a condom (the hair), and also herpes, which is VERY contagious, can occur in lesions at places that are not covered by a condom. If he went to a prostitute, in for example a brothel (sorry if that is not the correct spelling), I am sure that the woman will have used condoms to protect herself. But both herpes and crabs can spread regardless of that. This is not true for HIV.

 

I understand that you are scared, but the chances are really a lot smaller. But yes, you will need to get tested. Have him tested also. It is his responsibility.

 

If you want a reliable HIV test, you have to wait 3 months after the last unprotected sexual contact you had. I had a test in September (I had one unsafe contact in the past with a short term partner and I was scared beyond words...). My doctor had the (negative) results in less than two days. She knew how terrified I was so she called the lab every hour to check in. Talk about this with your primary physician, HIV testing is scary for all people, and I have found that the people at the lab and the doctor are very sensitive and understanding about it.

 

Take care,

 

Arwen.

[ghost69]

it would be tough for you, but i would get out. wouldn't you want to be happy in your last days? your children should understand this.

[southerngirl]

Oh hon I am so sorry you are going through all of this. My heart breaks for you.

 

My mother had the same battle with cancer. It started in her breast and eventually spread to her bones and blood. She too had pain in her face and jaw.

 

They tried everything and could not relieve her pain. She was on alot of different medications so I can understand what that is like! Its like thinking through a fog. You know something? Each and every day she woke up thankful that the sun was shining and she had just one more day.

 

Your husband is being an insensative jerk. Maybe counseling could help. I know you dont want to leave. He has no right to treat you this way! He is violating the vows of marraige.

 

I really have been thinking about you and I hope that you update us again soon.

[Scout]

This is a very sad situation. As frnleifry pointed out, your husband is battling terrible addictions. And you are battling cancer. Both of you have recently lost parents.

 

In a way, you need each other more than ever now. In another way, your marriage has become a toxic minefield.

 

It all seems rather insurmountable, I am sure. Perhaps the key is to focus on getting some support for yourself right now so you can decide what to do once you're in a more emotionally settled place. I might have missed it somewhere in your thread, but if you're not seeking counseling for yourself, I highly advise it. Possibly marital counseling, too.

[jengh]

Oh, god... I am so truly sorry for everything you're going through.

Though I'm young, 20, and never married... i just wanted to say how sorry I am you have to go through all of this. I'm sorry about your cancer battle, I'm sorry about losing your mom, and I'm sorry that your husband is being unfaithful. You are an extremely strong woman, being able to put up with it all.

 

How did your appointment go?

[dxsalina]

I know what your going thru and that it is very difficult especially after being married for so long. Its hard for us to believe that our husbands would hurt us like this. I know its hard to just pick up and leave and to think of starting over. My advice to you is to leave and start your life over. If you do stay with your husband things will never be the same, you will be the one suffering with the memories and hurting while your husband goes on like nothing ever happened and possibly will do it again and as for your health you will probably get sicker. I know its a big step but you deserve happiness and peace its never too late. I am going thru something similar to your situation. I say get out.

[athena-lee]

I just want to say that i read your story and you are such a strong person. God bless you.