No longer attracted to boyfriend

[mxfun]

Hello Everyone,

 

I'm wondering if anyone here has the same problem I do. I am no longer attracted to my boyfriend, and I feel extremely guilty about it. He is a great person; giving, caring, etc. We live together, and I like spending time with him watching movies, riding dirt bikes, street bikes, camping, etc.

 

The problem is that everything he does drives me crazy! We've only been together for 7 months and I don't have any sexual attraction for him anymore. I used to, but cannot figure out where it went! I like to hold hands once in a while, and cuddle on the couch; but the thought of sex with him turns me off terribly!

 

I don't really want to give up but how can I live my life pretending that I am attracted still? Has anyone gone through this and actually become attracted again? I'm quite confused and feeling guilty for feeling this way.

[zippitt]

You would have to give more specifics on what exactly it is you are no longer attracted to.

 

Do you not feel a romantic or emotional connection? It sounds like he might be more of a friend than a lover.

 

Are you turned off by his body or any other aspect of his physical attraction?

[answersguy]

Either figure out what has changed and why the attraction is gone, or end it. Don't waste any more of your time or his once you know it's not going to work out.

[Scootchy]

I think this guy deserves to know about this major problem you are having with him, let him know immediately when he did something that drives you crazy.

 

Most cases its the guy's fault in not keeping the excitement in the relationship and this causes lack of attraction in him. But thats just MHO.

 

Tell the people!

[answersguy]

scootchy, how is the guy solely responsible for keeping the excitement in a relationship? Keeping the excitement really requires both partners. pointing fingers and blame when it's lost does no good. The loss of attraction could be any number of reason, the primary one that happens between 3 to 6 months is the loss of newness. New relationships are incredibly fun and new love is an incredible rush. That goes away in every relationship and transitions to reliability and comfort. It's not anyone's fault but if there wasn't a strong attraction there to start then the reliability and comfort won't be enough.

[scarew]

Either figure out what has changed and why the attraction is gone, or end it. Don't waste any more of your time or his once you know it's not going to work out.

 

I agree. When I first started dating my ex, I wasn't attracted to him. Then I really fell in love with his personality and it didn't matter. But as we drifted into different people, I wasn't attracted to him at all anymore. But because everything else was good, I let it drag on for an additional 3 years (4.5 in total)! We had sex probably once a month when we lived together, for about 5 seconds. When we were long distance we often didn't have sex even when we got together for visits after not seeing eachother for months. It was hard for me to leave him because he was a great guy, sturdy as a rock, and he was always there for me. But he is better off as a friend than a boyfriend for me. I liked cuddling too, but I think its just the natural human craving for physical contact.

 

But I mean, its only been 7 months. Maybe you should try to talk to him about it. If you aren't feeling attracted to him, chances are you haven't been having sex lately, and chances are that when you do, its not that exciting. Try to talk about that rather than "you aren't attractive to me anymore". Say you feel like you guys aren't maintaining your sexual desire or sexual excitement anymore and its really starting to bother you.

 

You have to try on your end too though. Initiate things that have gotten you excited in the past. Maybe a romantic evening, a bottle of wine, a special movie (or a video camera ). If it feels like you have given an honest effort and he has too, and there is still no attraction or desire, end it. If you are already losing the attraction without being able to fix it, there really isn't much hope that you will magically become attracted again.

[mxfun]

Thanks for your input. I have had a talk with him, and! we have both tried to get to the bottom of this. Neither of us can figure it out. I do tell him when he does things that bother me; for instance..he just lets out horrendous farts all the time. They are not accidental, he lifts his butt and squeezes them out. I have asked him nicely to at least walk away from me if he must fart all the time, but he says he just has to do it, and doesn't care to move away. His body does now gross me out. I don't mind so much that he's overweight, but he has become less hygenically clean. I am a very clean person. I've talked to him about this as well, and he showers more often for a week or so, and then walks around looking..and smelling gross. I don't want to nag. I don't want to make him feel bad. I really do want to feel attracted to him again. I do love him. The thing is, I work out like crazy, and I keep myself up every single day. All I ask is that he care enough to be presentable for me. Is this selfish? I am open to all suggestions.

[TheFoglifter]

Yeah I agree -- I could opine that once the girl gets secure, she stops giving sex.

 

I agree that you need to find out what it is that is causing this problem. I doubt its a single cause, however. In my own experience, I thought we were just one solution away from fixing things. First it was school, then it was work, then it was promotions, and there is just always something around the corner.

 

I wish you the best of luck, and there is already hope in the fact that you feel guilty and want to fix it.

[jengh]

The things you are asking of him are COMPLETELY understandable. Daily hygeine is (obviously) very important and for someone to not bathe often is disgusting. It takes 10 minutes to shower. He should be willing to do that daily.

Why don't you ask him to work out with you sometime? I know you said his being overweight doesn't bother you, but at least if he was TRYING to do something about this, it might change your ideas about him.

As for the farting. That is just rude and inconsiderate. You are not one of his male buddies and he should respect your...well, clean air.

 

If he hasn't changed his ways already, it's unlikely he will. You might want to continue ending things now and remaining friends as opposed to waiting until you want to strangle him and end things poorly.

[scarew]

It isn't selfish. From what you've said, I would say its time to cut the tie. You deserve someone that respects your opinions and tries to be sexy for you. Break it off with him, and tell him exactly why. Say that you love him and care about him, but the way he presents himself isn't doing it for you.

 

It's understandable that someone like this would move more into the relm of friends or family rather than a bf. Your bf should be your best friend that you also are attracted to (I mean, maybe not when you're 80 but this relationship is way to new to be settling). It will be really really hard to break this one off, but please, don't do what I did and try and lie to yourself and to him for the next 3 years. It's not fair to either of you.

 

Suggestion: Make it seem like a mutual break up. Try to get him to recognize that you two get along great and love eachother but the sexual attraction is gone and its way to early for that to happen. Maybe its your fault, maybe its his, maybe its both. Either way, its not going to change and you need to leave him and figure out why this happened.

 

I have been with my husband for 2 years now and I think he is the sexiest guy ever. So don't let anyone tell you that sex doesn't matter. At 7 months, it certainly does. And it seems like it matters to you, which just shows your guys' difference in priorities/values.

[mxfun]

I would like to add:

EVERYONE, knowing that you, complete strangers, are taking time out to try and help me out is just fantastic! You are wonderful people and I appreciate you.

MX

[insofar]

Suggestion: Make it seem like a mutual break up. Try to get him to recognize that you two get along great and love eachother but the sexual attraction is gone and its way to early for that to happen. Maybe its your fault, maybe its his, maybe its both. Either way, its not going to change and you need to leave him and figure out why this happened.

Eh, not sure I agree with this one. Don't play games with the reason for the breakup; tell him without any hint of uncertainty why you're breaking up with him and that it is final. Anything else will either give him false hope or isn't entirely truthful, and the truth is more likely to make him want to change for the next person.

[CaptainPlanet]

Is it selfish ? that depends on your point of view. I'd say yes, but I would also say we are all selfish creatures. Dump him. You say you keep fit and healthy so I am sure there are many men willing to take his place who might be appreciative enough to take care of themselves. No point in carrying around dead weight.

[candy604]

hah my bf hair used to turn me off coz i'd had to tell him to cut it every month..now after 3 years he's learned..gosh.

[rocio]

Your bf has the right to behave in a way that he feels comfortable and take care of himself in the way he sees as appropriate. And you have the right to walk away.

[Batya33]

I would like to add:

EVERYONE, knowing that you, complete strangers, are taking time out to try and help me out is just fantastic! You are wonderful people and I appreciate you.

MX

 

Is it possible he is suffering from depression or otherwise unwell? I think you have a right to ask him to keep clean if he wants to be intimate with you.

[throckm6]

Wow. I am going through the EXACT same thing right now. I feel soooo horrible about what I have done but I just wasn't happy. He is graduating college this semester, I'm graduating next semester, so i just think it would be easier if we just ended it now seeing as how things aren't going very well and i'm not attracted to him anymore anyway. but he doesn't understand why we can't stay together even if it's in a long distance relationship. i just feel more free to do what i want/need to do at this point in my life, and i feel soo bad.

[ifearit]

I'm having the same problem currently. I went through the same feelings at about the same time you are going through them...and we've still made it to two years. The feelings come and go. What I'm trying to ask myself, and what you have to ask yourself, is if this will ever stop. Will you ever be completely happy with him? Will he ever change for you without feeling hurt?

 

I know you said you'd talked to him. What did you say? I can't get my guy to do anything without hurting his feelings. I hope that it works out for one of us.

[diabolik]

The thing is, I work out like crazy, and I keep myself up every single day. All I ask is that he care enough to be presentable for me. Is this selfish?

Doesn't sound selfish to me. If he's not taking care of himself now, how do you think he'll be after he's married?

 

You say you keep fit and healthy so I am sure there are many men willing to take his place who might be appreciative enough to take care of themselves.

Amen. Women your age who really take care of themselves physically are a hot commodity. And it seems like you are doing it for yourself, and not to get a man, which makes you even more desirable.

[lightbulb1607308308]

I am wondering what happened with this. . . Judging from the post dates this discussion ended a couple years ago now, but i am just running accross it because I am facing a very similar problem. I have been with the same sweet/solid/loving man for 3 years now (living together for 2) and its the same deal. It sounds like my boyfriend is a liiiiittle less crude that your guy was/is, but very close. For instance my boyfriend doesn't exercise, and I take great care to keep in shape blablabla. Also he eats kinda slobishly and the thought of that mouth being all over me is UGH. so i dont know what to do. A lot of the advice here is very good, but us breaking up would be a very hard thing to pull off without major damage. We just resigned the lease on our house too... so another year. I am really scared that I am settling for the wrong reasons - but I am equally (if not more) scared that ending this will be the equivalent of turning my back on love. I keep telling myself to be patient with him, but it is like one responder already pointed out - there is always some other issue just around the corner.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Have you talked to him about it? personally I don't think you should stay in a relationship with someone who you are not sexually attracted to. You're young, you'll find someone else.

[In the Dark]

Leave problems to linger the more it affects the relationship.

 

These issues should have been talked about as soon as they popped up.

Not left to be continued then in turn you being the one who is tuned off.

 

People are not perfect.

Some people more than others.

 

His behavior will be for the better if you had told him earlier but for some reason you kept quiet and let his little mannerisms eat away at you instead.

 

Basically it's up to you to address these issues with your partner so he does not do it anymore.

 

Or if that is not enough just tell him that sex with him grosses you out and you can not live in a relationship with a man who makes you cringe when you think of sex with him.