My girlfriend wants a straight male roommate to move into her apartment

[tru8lue]

Hello. My girlfriend of one month just broke up with her boyfriend. She went from one relationship to the other. Actually the relationships overlaped a few months. She cheated on her boyfriend with me, but she reassures that this is the only time in her life that she has ever done this with anyone, and I believe her.

 

Now that I am with her, I trust her completely, although that infidelity history is still there. Well, her ex is moving out of her apartment and she wants another roommate.

 

The problem: she only wants a straight male roommate.

 

First of all, I am not OK with my new girlfriend having a guy move in with her into her apartment or vice versa. I have talked to several guys and girls and they ALL have told me that they would not like this either.

 

Second of all, although I trust her completely, I don't trust guys. She is very attractive, outgoing, and unfortunately there is that history of infidelity that makes me nervous. And guys will be guys. This can potentially be a recipe for disaster.

 

Third, regardless of this infidelity history, I would never be comfortable with my girlfriend living with a straight male roommate. Why put yourself in a situation that can lead to temptation? Why risk getting hit on by a roommate of the opposite sex who is not gay?

 

Her reasons for wanting a male roommate are that "girls are drama" and she's never "gotten along with male roommates". She has made it very clear that this is what she wants and will do and thinks that I don't trust her. If that was the case, 100% of guys would not trust their girlfriends in this situation (talking about guys that I have talked to that would not be comfortable in this situation).

 

I have told her that if she really cares about my feelings and love me as much as she says she does, that she would at least COMPROMISE and get a gay male roommate. Worst case scenario, if she really could not find a female or gay male roommate, she can get a straight male roommate over 40 that is hardly ever there (less risk seems like). There are millions of females out there with other female roommates that get along fine. No roommate relationship is perfect, but when there are options, why does it have to specifically be a straight guy??? Doesn't make sense especially when its not considerate to my feelings and I know if the roles where reversed, she would not like it at all. She denies this assumption I have about her, but if she gets jealous when I dance with other girls (partner dancing, no disrespectful moves), i'm pretty sure that me living with a girl would throw her over the roof.

 

Should she COMPROMISE with me, if not honor my desire for her to have only female roommates? Should she really be looking inside herself to find out what she can change so she can get along with female roommates so as to be considerate to my feelings? I told her that I would never even consider having a straight female roommate myself because I am just very considerate when it comes to other peoples feelings.

 

Please help, my relationship could potentially be on the line because of this. I don't know how I can or if I can tolerate her living with a straight guy. Moving in with her is not an option right now since im stuck in a lease, but if she is unwilling to compromise, why bother right?

 

PLEASE HELP!!! I will appreciate any input.

[rowboat]

As a guy who has housemates both male and female and has mainly had female, I would say let her have a guy housemate. Most guys are not so stupid to think that there is any sense in dating/sleeping with a housemate, I know damn well that if I was to do this its going to end with tears. Trust her if you really do trust her becuase it really does takes 2 to tango.

[Locke2121]

Second of all, although I trust her completely, I don't trust guys.

 

Sorry, but she cheated on her other boyfriend, with you, and you trust her???? I'm sorry, but something there doesn't seem right to me.

[RayKay]

although I trust her completely, I don't trust guys

Actually, that means you do not trust her. I have been hit on by others while in relationships, and have always been able to tell them no way....however trustworthy other guys are or not, does not change my own moral code, or respect for my partner.

 

I cannot say whether you should leave, or not. There are some reasons a female may want a male roommate (safety issues, less territorial..lol). And really, while yes, compromise is necessary, it also sounds like she does not want you telling her what to do either.

 

You have been together one month. Much of this "overlapped" which is a nice way of saying you were both participating in infidelity. I am sure that was exciting for you in some ways even if wrong...don't let it blur the realities of whom she is here, or this relationship is. One month is not enough to say love....to say trust given the circumstances...or to say "do as I do or else" - for the latter it does not matter HOW long you are together that is not something you say!!

 

I can pretty much guarantee some of it for her is she is pushing her boundaries with you, and it may also be for self esteem issues...have no idea. But you cannot MAKE her compromise. If she wanted to and respected your feelings, she would talk with you about it, you would BOTH listen to one another, and find a solution rather than push what you want on one another.

 

You can either accept her as she is, or not....but if not it is time to move on rather than force her to change whom she is if she is not wanting to compromise.

[TheFoglifter]

... I trust her completely, I don't trust guys"

 

I have always felt this is a valid statement. What it really means is that he trusts her not to INITIATE anything, but he does not trust that the guy will not make a move. The male roommate has an ideal situation -- a live in hottie. The worst that can happen is she rejects him, and then he seeks someone else. But given that he stands to gain a live-in friend with benefits, its well worth the risk. Plus, how would you feel if YOU were the one paying to take her out on dates, but HE was the one getting free sex.

 

Lets not forget that many many cheating stories begin with the cheater saying "I didn't MEAN to do anything, it just happened". Well there are plenty of opportunities for things to "just happen" when there is a guy living with her.

 

As has been said, someone who will cheat WITH you will cheat ON you. Unless the ex treated her like crap, you can probably surmise that he too assumed he could trust her and that he wouldn't be cheated on.

 

Oh, oh.... and HOW LONG did she cheat with you before breaking it off with her ex? Several months? How many dates do you think that guy paid for, how much of her whining did he listen to, how much effort did he put in, only to find out that she had been cheating.

 

Maybe maybe maybe if the male roommate she chooses is ugly as sin, it might work. I really want to believe that it will work out for you.

 

Ask her flat out "if the situation was reversed, how would you feel?" If she hesitates for just one second before lying her butt off, then you have your answer.

 

The odds are against you. Give her an ultimatum before you get too attached.

[ImThatGirl]

I think that rather than you determining if you are right to make certain demands at such an early stage of the relationship, you should be determining if this girl, who is considering having a male roommate, is really someone you are compatable with.

 

I definitely don't think you should be making demands this early on. And, you may lose her / come accross as controlling if you do.

 

If I were in this situation, I would simply state, I am not comfortable with this situation. If this is what you need to do, I respect that but I do not feel that we are compatable. And move on.

 

Actually, I have done that. My bf used to talk about when he buys a house, he might need a roommate and before we got together he had plans for "female" to move in so he had less expenses. I did just what I said. I told him that if that's what he needed to do, that's fine but I would not be interested in dating him and felt that was a huge compatability issue.

 

JMO

[ghost69]

my ex lives with 2 straight guys. never bothered me. maybe a non-straight guy would invade her privacy too much. and her being with you, she doesn't want some guy just barging into her personal life and helping her get dressed, etc.

[tru8lue]

Some additional details,

 

She cheated on her ex with me for 8 months. She has told me that "it is what it is" and she cannot change what she has done so I either live with it or move on. We both fell in love with each other during this time. She was having problems with her ex and living a double life. She was spending her time mostly with me, so come to think of it we actually have been together for 8 months, but only 1 month officially.

 

I give her the benefit of the doubt because she is such a great person overall and does not come accross as someone that has a problem with cheating. I've already told her that since she has cheated with me, if it ever came down to her doing it again with me, this is her only warning (i didn't use these exact same words, they where less confrontational).

 

So we are at a point where we both love each other very much. At this point in our relationship, would it be bad to request such a thing if she really loves me as much as she says she does? I pretty much told her that I would not be comfortable with that living arrangement, and that I couldn't be in a relationship with her if she went that route. Should my girlfriend who loves me COMPROMISE with me on this issue, especially when there are other reasonable options?

 

I mean cmon, how many ppl in this world would like their significant other to move in with someone of the opposite sex? Give me some numbers here, I have a very good feeling that the majority of people in this world would not like this.

 

It's not like I met her after she was already living with a straight guy (not counting the ex), she is going out of her way right now to find a straight guy for a roommate after we are already with each other. This just seems inconsiderate to me, what do you guys think?

 

Guys how many of you would be ok with this?

Ladies how many of you would be ok with this if the roles where reversed?

[ImThatGirl]

Should my girlfriend who loves me COMPROMISE with me on this issue, especially when there are other reasonable options?

 

I'm sure I've been called high-maintenance a time or two.

 

Buuuut - Yes, if the two of you have been together for 8 months, plan on having a future together, and you can't accept her living with another, I would hope that she would take that into consideration and make alternative plans.

 

I would hope that my bf would not make a decision to do something that I am completely uncomfortable with.

[Iceman26]

 

I give her the benefit of the doubt because she is such a great person overall and does not come accross as someone that has a problem with cheating.

 

Most cheaters don't come accross as cheaters, because people normally wouldn't get into relationships with known cheaters.

 

I wouldn't blame you for not wanting your girlfriend to have a male roommate. I don't trust other males either. Were I in your shoes, I'd call this situation a dealbreaker. It is more of a headache than it is worth.

 

In regards to her cheating on her last boyfriend with you: if she cheated on him with you, there is nothing to stop her from doing the same thing to you.

 

If she cheated on her ex with you, then chances are she will do the same thing to you. You say you trust her, but I say how can you trust someone that was comfortable living a lie for 8 months?

[rocio]

I've had several male roommates and never slept with (or wanted to sleep with) any of them. I would have no problem with my boyfriend having a female roommate.

 

Your relationship, however, seems disfunctional. You are using emotional blackmail to try and prevent her from getting a male roommate. Saying that IF she really loved you, she wouldn't do it is childish and manipulative. And you are delusional to think that she's trustworthy after she spent 8 months cheating on her ex. Sometimes people have a lapse in judgement one night and are unfaithful. But her cheating was calculated, planned and deliberate. Don't you think it says something about her personality that she was able to go home to this guy for 8 months while sleeping with you?

[TheFoglifter]

... had several male roommates and never slept with (or wanted to sleep with) any of them. I would have no problem with my boyfriend having a female roommate."

 

Out of curiosity, and recognizing that your situation is different, did any of the male roommates you had ever try anything, or have any hints of trying something? I have a female co-worker who lives in a house with 1 other female and 2 other males, and one of the males tried to start a relationship with both girls. It never went anywhere, but if the issue here is that the guy may try something, then the OPs concern is valid.

[rocio]

It never went anywhere, but if the issue here is that the guy may try something, then the OPs concern is valid.

 

How is that valid? Should we all move to Saudi Arabia where men and women have separate eating areas at macdonalds? We are surrounded by men. They make moves on us all the time. We can handle it, really we can. Unless the OP is afraid this roommate might rape her, then where is the validity?

 

To answer your question - sure, some of my roommates would have liked to get with me. I have breasts. What do you think? It was never an issue, though.

[tru8lue]

Whether I should or shouldn't trust her after she continuously cheated on her ex with me for 8 months is a totally separate topic.

 

Let's get back on track here. I had mentioned that I am uncomfortable with this situation to begin with, even if the cheating had never occurred (although I can't deny that the cheating history does make me a little nervous).

 

I'm just trying to see how many people see where im coming from. How many of you would be comfortable with this living arrangement? Lets remember that she is not already living with male roommates before I met her, shes doing it after the fact.

 

I'm trying to see if I should be more rational and accept it (even though I would still be uncomfortable) or if she should try to COMPROMISE given that she loves me very much and their are other REASONABLE alternatives i.e. living on her own, gay roommate, etc.

 

What would be the best course of action? Im looking for advice, and I really need it. I don't want to walk out of this relationship over irrational thoughts. Im not a stubborn person, and I am willing to listen. So far all my friends have been agreeing with me, but it might be a little biased. That is why I came on here to get some unbiased opinions.

 

I really appreciate your thoughts, because I need to make a decision soon.

[Iceman26]

I don't think what you are feeling in regards to her living with a guy are irrational. Why? Because we are guys and we know what guys do, and you know if you were in that situation (being the guy living with her) that you would try and make that happen. You will worry every time you guys fight and she goes home upset and "needs someone to talk to" and no one else is around.

 

Bottom line is if you aren't comfortable with it then that is all that matters. Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel.

[TheFoglifter]

I don't think you know how things work in Saudi Arabia, this would not be an issue because once the man said no, that would be the end of it. I am also pretty confident that there are not many, if any McDonalds in Saudi.

 

What I said makes perfect sense. The OP said he trusts his gf (we'll ignore the cheating history) but he does NOT trust guys. I have recounted a situation in which a male roommate "tried something" with each of his female roommates. As such, the statement "if his concern is that the guy will try something, he has reason to worry" is valid.

 

You also said "we can handle it" well we are assuming cheating aside that the girl can handle it and not be coerced. That still does not stop the guy from trying.

 

I repeat that for a guy, this is an ideal situation. He has intimate access to a girl at home without going through the effort of dating her. Closeness is important in relationships developing (this is called "propinquity" in psychology).

 

Maybe George Costanza said it best: "he looks like me and he's working from the inside... I look like me and I'm working from the outside... who is in the better position? NOT ME!

[TheFoglifter]

To answer your original questions: I would ABSOLUTELY disapprove of my gf seeking out a straight male roommate, and no you are not irrational to suspect foul play.

 

There are guys out there who play "on the level" and who will not mess with a girl in a relationship, but there are also plenty of guys out there who would see this as an ideal opportunity to have a live in FWB. As Iceman said, we are guys, we know what guys will do.

 

His point about when you are in a fight is also very valid. Men, like wolves, can be very patient when it comes to getting what they want. He plants a few ideas in her head, he waits for you to have an argument, and he is "there" when you "disappointed her yet again". Its only a matter of time before he manages to weed you out and is ready to swoop in.

 

Finally, I know you don't want to discuss this, but her previous cheating is absolutely a related issue. While we can offer you advice working under the idea that she won't cheat, the fact of the matter is that she has done it before.

 

Why did she cheat on her ex? Was he a jerk, or did you just provide some excitement that she lacked? If the ex was a real loser, then maybe you'll be OK if you keep your game in good shape, but if the ex wasn't a bad guy, then you have to face the fact that a predator is going to see that hot gf of yours as an opportunity for free sex, and he's going to try to make that happen. If your gf is the "I didn't mean to, it just happened" type, then its not a matter of "if", its a matter of "when".

 

She should absolutely have to compromise. If she isn't willing, then I'd suspect her motives.

[ghost69]

the cheating is a separate topic? i wouldn't put myself anywhere near a chick like this. you know she cheats. there should be no reason to post anything else about this girl.

[tru8lue]

Ok it seems like you guys see the cheating as having a big impact to this issue. I don't see it as a huge impact, but yes it does influence it a bit.

 

I don't want to stray off topic, but what do you see a cheater? Someone who cheats multiple times with the same person or someone that cheats multiple times with different people?

 

I would like to have more opinions from females, if the roles where reversed would you be comfortable with this roommate situation? Would it be ok to request to your boyfriend that he COMPROMISE with you because you don't feel comfortable or else you walk? Are their exceptions where you should tolerate him living with a guy even if it makes you feel uncomfortable?

[EvaGina]

You dont trust her, obviously, or it wouldnt be an issue.

If she is going to cheat she will do it either way.

[Clementine orange]

I have actually heard of this before - straight girl wanting straight male as a room mate and I have heard the following reasons:

 

1.) Male roomate provides an element of security

 

2.) Male roommates do not borrow clothes, make up, boyfriends

 

3.) Male roomates do not hog the bathroom

 

4.) Male roommates have male friends - potential dating material

 

on the downside:

 

male roomates may get "ideas"

male roomates may not give required privacy

men are slobs and don't do the dishes.

 

I totally see your point though. I wouldn't really trust this girl, and especially wouldn't trust the men around her. However, what can you do really?

[TheFoglifter]

Clementine makes some great points. Some of them can be flipped as good reasons a male would want a female roommate.

 

- Female roommate will [most likely] keep things neater than male.

- Access to female friends, thus potential dating material.

 

But for a man, the strongest reason is: possibility of casual sex.

 

The advice I gave you before was independent of her cheating. I understand you believe that is tainting people's advice, but I also hope you understand why.

 

Lets reframe the issue: If someone had a history of embezzlement, would you be concerned hiring them to manage your money? If someone had a history of theft (or even kleptomania) would you hire them to clean your house? Would you want a convicted child sex offender living next door if you had young children?

 

What I'm saying is that no matter how much you want to believe, its just not easy to separate the history of cheating from the possibility of cheating.

 

But I also understand how it feels to try and get advice, and feel like people are stuck on a detail you want them to ignore, so here is what I'd say if she had never cheated (or you had never said so).

 

I STILL maintain that she should compromise. While she might not agree with your feelings, she should still respect them. She would make your life hell if you did something she didn't approve of, so why shouldn't the reverse be true.

 

Now: if you voice your concerns to her, you make your points, she makes her points and after productive and calm discussion, she STILL says "I disagree with you, I am getting a male roommate" you have the following options:

 

- You can back down and let her do what she wants (this is bad because you set a precedent that she can do as she pleases regardless of your feelings.

 

- You can break up with her: at least you walk away with your feelings intact.

 

- You can give her an ultimatum, which will result in one of the two choices above.

 

- You can wait it out -- maybe things will be fine, maybe they won't.

 

There are your options, what do you choose?

[ghost69]

i don't have a problem with a woman having a male roommate. not at all. IF SHE IS TRUSTWORTHY. but you already have reason to believe otherwise.

[sophie274]

Ok, I am a girl and I trust my boyfriend, and I would probably feel uncomfortable if he insisted on getting a female roommate. I think it would make a difference to me whether he just ended up with a female roommate, or whether that was his sole roommate criterion.

 

My feelings would definitely depend on the woman though. No matter what the case, I would not try to convince him or tell him not to room with a woman. However, if the roommate he picked was blatantly going after him and flirting with him in front of me, I would consider that very disrespectful, and would speak up.

 

You really can't forbid her from rooming with a man, nor should you. Have you asked her why she specifically wants a male roommate? Maybe you would feel better once you met the guy she was rooming with?

 

The precedent of cheating would make me nervous.

[ghost69]

i don't see how this roommate thing is overshadowing the fact that she is a cheater. that should be enough to get rid of her.