My girlfriend wants a straight male roommate to move into her apartment

[ghost69]

well, once they move in and you find it out, i guess. but you are sharing an apt, and you are not a business. so i don't know how that works. anywho, i'd let my gf live with whoever, just not an ex.

[tru8lue]

Thank you everyone for your input.

 

To summarize everyone's responses:

 

Not everyone is the same. Some people can handle their significant other having a roommate of the opposite sex with no problem. Others cannot (such as me). People that cannot handle this are not WRONG for feeling this way. You cannot help what you naturally feel sometimes. Its a part of a persons personality. If both people in the relationship want to make it work, she has to only have a female roommate or compromise with some other arrangement (get her own place, gay roommate, etc). If not, then unfortunately we will have to part ways, as we are incompatible.

 

Do you guys agree with the above?

[ghost69]

well, no. you can't control her. but she is going to do what she is going to do. if you don't like it, you may have to move on.

[tru8lue]

I am not trying to control her. I want to try suggesting again if she would try to compromise in order to resolve the issue. And yes I plan on moving on if she won't compromise.

[EvaGina]

I am not trying to control her. I want to try suggesting again if she would try to compromise in order to resolve the issue. And yes I plan on moving on if she won't compromise.

 

how will you comprimise?

"he has to be gay"?

"he has to be ugly/disabled/a nerd"?

 

You cant just use the word "comprimise" in liu of "getting my way quietly"

[ghost69]

sounds controlling to me.

[tru8lue]

People compromise ALL THE TIME in relationships, are you saying all these people are controlling? We are talking about finding middle ground here, not getting my way.

 

I am open to all options even if they don't entirely make me satisfied. When you compromise, not everyone is always satisfied 100%. I have mentioned to her what would make me uncomfortable. Right now she is NOT willing to compromise at all, regardless of the options on the table.

 

If anything, that is getting HER way. The underlying issue is her unwillingness to even give compromise a chance.

 

Like I said, relationships are compromise. If you want to get your way or the highway, then be single. This is not what im trying to do here.

 

I came on here looking for advice. I have mentioned that I am open to everything, even other options that I might not have thought of. When there ARE options, there is no reason two people in a loving relationship should not give compromise a chance to keep each other happy.

[TheFoglifter]

... now she is NOT willing to compromise at all, regardless of the options on the table...If anything, that is getting HER way. The underlying issue is her unwillingness to even give compromise a chance."

 

I really feel for everything you are saying. I also feel that many people here are not giving due importance to the idea of compromise.

 

She wants a straight male, you want a straight female, a compromise might be a gay male, or a lesbian female, or a very ugly/asexual/untouchable guy.

 

But what is happening here is she is saying "I will do as I please, if you don't like it, go". That is NOT the hallmark of a healthy relationship. It really leaves the OP with only ONE option, and that is to leave -- not just because he doesn't want her living with a straight male, but because he'd set a precedent that she need only threaten to leave to get her way.

 

No matter what the chicks out there think, compromise DOES NOT MEAN "I get my way, and in return I won't make your life miserable. That is extortion and bullying, and exploitation.

 

Tru8 -- just dump the chick and get it over with. She's not going to compromise and she is probably going to cheat. Tell her that you have no problem with her living with whomever she wants because you are no longer her boyfriend and it isn't your problem. If she wants you back, she'll prove her worth. If not, you are better off.

[EvaGina]

But once again you fail to tell us of these "options on the table"...

what ARE these comprimises?

How about you being there when she is meeting the guys? helping her decide which one to live with? I can see that working, as long as you dont push her to live with the smelly guy with no social skills and irregular income.

[EvaGina]

She wants a straight male, you want a straight female, a compromise might be a gay male, or a lesbian female, or a very ugly/asexual/untouchable guy.

 

that is NOT a comprimise, that is him getting his way. She has to LIVE with this person, if she wants a straight male (as I would, or a gay male that wasnt overly camp) then its her decision.

 

If he feels so strongly about it, why doesnt he just pay half her rent?

[ghost69]

i would rather live with someone i could put up with than having someone suggesting what i should do.

[tru8lue]

i would rather live with someone i could put up with than have a complaining gf.

 

Hey bro you are not helping with this immature remark. If you want to go provoke or insult someone else, go to a different thread.

[ghost69]

that was immature? it's how i feel about living with someone versus someone trying to tell me what to do. or someone being 'suggestive'.

[ghost69]

there. i changed it. what i think you should do is tell her how you feel about it, and give her an ultimatum. tell her you can't take that and will be gone if she does it.

[tru8lue]

Look people, like I said before I am open to different options, even some that I totally don't like. I'm here for help, and I hope that your responses are based on how you would feel as well if the roles where reversed.

[ghost69]

what are the other options? you said you don't want her to have a straight roommate. what other choices she have? either a gay guy, a straight woman, or noone, right?

[EvaGina]

Look people, like I said before I am open to different options, even some that I totally don't like. I'm here for help, and I hope that your responses are based on how you would feel as well if the roles where reversed.

 

once again, what are these options you are open to?

or do you not actually have any other stance except getting what you want?

[ghost69]

there. i changed it. what i think you should do is tell her how you feel about it, and give her an ultimatum. tell her you can't take that and will be gone if she does it.

 

this should be the finale.

[tru8lue]

once again, what are these options you are open to?

or do you not actually have any other stance except getting what you want?

 

My GF does not have any other stance except getting what she wants. Is that fair?

 

Look I am willing to consider what you mentioned about being there when these guys are seeing the room. That doesn't exactly make me completely happy.

 

However, I think its only fair that she be open to helping out more as well. If we go this route, she is really the only one that will be completely happy.

 

How about her looking inside herself and be willing to work something out with someone of the same sex to be able to get along? Her complaint is that "girls are drama". Are all how ever many millions of girls in this country drama? Isn't there at least one girl out there in a million that she can get along with?

 

Again, this is not something that im trying to force on her. It's just that im not happy that she has not taken the initiative on her own to work things out with a female roommate or even myself. I would do for her because I care so much about our relationship and her feelings, why shouldn't she be able to do it for me?

[EvaGina]

My GF does not have any other stance except getting what she wants. Is that fair?

 

which is EXACTLY what you are doing, except you dont have to live with them

Yes, I think its totally fair that she doesnt want to live with a girl... if she is anything like me, it would be torture. Fair enough, she might find a girl she gets along with... but if she doesnt?

 

I dont think you quite understand... she has to share her home with this person... she has to deal with their habits and their messes and their dramas... if she finds men easier to deal with, then she just does, she shouldnt feel like a prisoner in her own home.

 

I still fail to see you presenting any comprimises.

Suggest you help her choose a flatmate...

[tru8lue]

which is EXACTLY what you are doing, except you dont have to live with them

 

which is exactly what she is doing except I end up stressing and potentially very unhappy about it.

 

I have already entertained the notion of going to the extreme route, which would be to tolerate her having a male roomate, with my input. I don't know why this is being said.

 

Her refusal to even compromise is disturbing. You said it yourself its entirely possible for her to find a female roommate that she gets along with. She refuses to even ATTEMPT to do that.

 

When this is an option, it just tells me that my feelings don't matter to her that much. If its an option that would make her and I happy and shes not willing to explore that action, it just sounds selfish to me.

 

Everyone wants what is best for their partners in a relationship, but like I mentioned earlier, sometimes you have to work something out that is fair, even though it's probably not the idealest of compromises. I do care about her living situation and don't want her to be miserable, but NOT COMPLETELY AT MY EXPENSE. No compromise will ever be perfect. Remember that if you want your way every time, especially when its something big like this, you are better off single. She is expecting me to change my feelings about the situation and that is something that I cannot help.

[EvaGina]

Okay

I do understand what you are saying.

a few points

 

1: you being paranoid is not as bad as her living with someone she cant stand

2: you are telling her you think she is going to cheat, that she is untrustworthy, thereforeeee she is probably being extra stubborn becuase you are insulting her

3: You ARENT comprimising... you dont trust her, you are pressuring her to live with someone she doesnt want to live with and you are probably making her life hell right now. there is no comprimise at all with you.

 

there is nothing "extreme" about tolerateing a guy flatmate... you obviously have no trust in this woman at all.

 

Yes, she should at least attempt to meet some girls to live with, but if you are over her shoulder going "but she wasnt that bad, just live with her" then she will just end up resenting you, or flatting with the hottest guy she can just to spite you.

[tru8lue]

I totally disagree with your assumptions. Go back and read this thread in its entirety. This is not about trusting her. If it was a trust issue with her, I would be having all these other arguments about her going out with her male friends (and she has many of them), which I am fine with.

 

You are obviously not seeing the male perspective. Even some females on here see the guy perspective. Go back and read "TheFogLifter", "I'mThatGirl", "Iceman26", "Rabican" posts. They seem to see something you don't or refuse to take into consideration.

 

Again we are all different. Your remarks make me seem as a irrational person. In that case I really believe that is what you are saying about a good majority of guys.

 

More often than not, guys will not want this living arrangement because we are guys and we know how guys are. I am trying to be rational and I believe that I am. I am not a stubborn person and I came in here to get advice, I even entertained your idea earlier. When a good majority of guys are not comfortable with this, it just reinforces that I should not feel bad for feeling this way at all.

[rocio]

I totally disagree with your assumptions. Go back and read this thread in its entirety. This is not about trusting her. If it was a trust issue with her, I would be having all these other arguments about her going out with her male friends (and she has many of them), which I am fine with.

 

If trust has nothing to do with this, then why did you mention the fact that you got together by her cheating on her ex?

 

I also doubt that most guys would have a problem with this, if they truly trusted their girlfriends. This thread even made me remember my ex. He was a muslim morrocan with pretty conservative views on alot of things. We were together for a year and that whole time I was living with a guy. He never once mentioned that it bothered him in any way, whatsoever.

[tru8lue]

If trust has nothing to do with this, then why did you mention the fact that you got together by her cheating on her ex?

 

I also doubt that most guys would have a problem with this, if they truly trusted their girlfriends. This thread even made me remember my ex. He was a muslim morrocan with pretty conservative views on alot of things. We were together for a year and that whole time I was living with a guy. He never once mentioned that it bothered him in any way, whatsoever.

 

Why shut an ex-alcoholic in a wine cellar? Why tempt a former child molester by putting him in a room with a kid? Why take these UNECESSARY risks?

 

Again, I stress the fact that everyone is different. No one should be saying that if you are OK with it you are right and if you are NOT you are wrong.

 

I myself know how guys are and their predator ways. Men can easily take advantage of a vulnerable female that just got into a bad argument with her boyfriend. Sh%^&* happens, why INCREASE the risk? Why?

 

You can always forgive, but you can't forget. I have given her the benefit of the doubt because I don't believe she is a blatant cheater. We are all human and not perfect, just because you cheat once with someone doesn't necessarily mean you will cheat again.

 

-BUT-

 

Knowing that we are human and sh%^& happens, this is a risk that can be eliminated given the circumstances.

 

Guys are known to keep their feelings to themselves, I wouldn't be surprised if your ex just decided to suck it up and not say anything.