My girlfriend wants a straight male roommate to move into her apartment

[EvaGina]

HA

sorry, you just admitted everything I have been saying in my posts.

if she wants to cheat on you, then she will, no matter who you force her to live with.

 

You ARE being irrational and its entirely about you not trusting her.

[tru8lue]

I don't respect anyone's opinion when they use ABSOLUTES in their statements combined with the refusal from considering other perspectives. I never disagreed that if she wanted to cheat she would. Where in my posts did I point that out? Please tell me.

 

I am seeing both sides of the coin while you are stubborn and refuse to consider the other perspective. I can no longer take your posts seriously.

[EvaGina]

I don't respect anyone's opinion when they use ABSOLUTES in their statements combined with the refusal from considering other perspectives. I never disagreed that if she wanted to cheat she would. Where in my posts did I point that out? Please tell me.

 

I am seeing both sides of the coin while you are stubborn and refuse to consider the other perspective. I can no longer take your posts seriously.

 

No, I DO see your point, as I have already said. I know the gut feeling you are getting all too well.

I also know that the gender of her flatmate is not going to make a lick of difference and one should be more carefull when picking which battles to fight.

 

However, you are blatantly lying with "I am seeing both sides of the coin" seeing as you dont see HER side of it.

 

You can not win with this one and aside from being extremely selfish, you are also being entirely insulting when it comes to the male gender.

 

Personally, I would get out of it now, she doesnt need you breathing down her neck and you dont need the paranoia.

 

"I never disagreed that if she wanted to cheat she would." is where you admit you dont trust her, nor should you.

 

FYI: you whining at her is probably why she wont even interview female flatmates, very few people enjoy being threatened and rarely willingly comply with someone who is bullying them.

[tru8lue]

I am seeing her side of things by willing to COMPROMISE! If I didn't see her side of things, I wouldn't even be considering to compromise.

 

You are blatantly denying what I have said already about caring about her feelings and seeing her side of things.

 

Anyone can cheat at any time. That doesn't mean you should NOT trust the person.

 

I can't believe how stubborn you are. I've had enough of your posts.

 

People, I like your opinions and I look at both sides of the coin. I even considered YOUR input GINA. But if you are here to be stubborn and insult me, please stop posting.

[EvaGina]

I am seeing her side of things by willing to COMPROMISE! If I didn't see her side of things, I wouldn't even be considering to compromise.

 

You are blatantly denying what I have said already about caring about her feelings and seeing her side of things.

 

Anyone can cheat at any time. That doesn't mean you should NOT trust the person.

 

I can't believe how stubborn you are. I've had enough of your posts.

 

People, I like your opinions and I look at both sides of the coin. I even considered YOUR input GINA. But if you are here to be stubborn and insult me, please stop posting.

 

-sigh-

ok, how are you comprimising

 

her side: she wants a male flatmate

yours: you want a female/gay flatmate

 

Your comprimise is for her to have a female or gay flatmate... thats not comprimising, thats just your wants being put ahead of her needs.

 

I AGREE that she should at least interview some girls, see what comes up, I also said that as a comprimise you could help her interview men and have some input, but that was an "extreme" for you

 

You have once again failed to come up with any real comprimises, you said youself its meeting in the middle. there is no middle about her getting a female/gay flatmate... its just your end.

 

Do you really not understand that?

 

are you saying that no woman should ever live with a male becuase all men rape?

I agree you shouldnt distrust someone just beucase they CAN cheat, but in this instance you seem to be saying its a definate and you are just going to push the competition away for as long as you can.

[Iceman26]

Trust or no trust, I think most guys would have a problem with this if this situation occurred during the course of the relationship, like in Tru8lue's situation. You start dating a girl, and then she wants a male roommate to move in. This isn't a frickin mixed dormitory where there are a group of guys living with a group of girls, this is one girl and one guy living together.

 

Let me ask you this Tru8lue: If you started dating your girlfriend and she already had a straight male roommate, you met him and hung out with him, etc. Would it bother you as much?

[TheFoglifter]

... she should at least attempt to meet some girls to live with, but if you are over her shoulder going "but she wasnt that bad, just live with her" then she will just end up resenting you, or flatting with the hottest guy she can just to spite you."

 

I hate the way some women think. They will work twice as hard to spite their boyfriends. If they just worked out a compromise together, it would be easier and more peaceful for all. Chicks always want the last word though.

 

... can cheat at any time. That doesn't mean you should NOT trust the person."

 

You are absolutely right tru8 -- the poster who contradicted you doesn't have a very good grasp on reality -- rather she is exactly the type of "do as I say not as I do" chick who thinks that women should be able to do whatever they want.

 

... you saying that no woman should ever live with a male becuase all men rape?"

 

another extreme. Nice try.

 

... in this instance you seem to be saying its a definate and you are just going to push the competition away for as long as you can."

 

If YOU ever get a boyfriend who is worth pursuing, I want to see how tolerant you would be of him being in a situation in which an attractive female had ample opportunity to seduce him.

 

... or no trust, I think most guys would have a problem with this if this situation occurred during the course of the relationship, like in Tru8lue's situation. "

 

This has already been established by the opinions expressed by both male and female posters.

[Iceman26]

 

I also doubt that most guys would have a problem with this, if they truly trusted their girlfriends.

 

Apparently not Foglifter.

[rocio]

Let me ask you this Tru8lue: If you started dating your girlfriend and she already had a straight male roommate, you met him and hung out with him, etc. Would it bother you as much?

 

I think you're on to something here. If a guy meets a girl and she already has a male roommate he wouldn't likely ask her to move out. However, if they are already in a relationship and she suddenly brings up the idea it would likely be more of a problem. The guy might be thinking, "hey, I'm more than enough man for her. Why does she feel the need to bring another man into her life?"

[TheFoglifter]

I ran back through the first 3 pages and found posts from ITG, Iceman, Clem, Sophie, enot, Char, and This expressing concern at the situation. Some notable phrasings include:

 

"Why would she still insist on having a straight male roommate if she knows you feel so strongly against it?"

 

"One of you is going to have to give, or both of you are going to have to compromise, or you can decide that you are incompatible and part ways."

 

"I would hope that my bf would not make a decision to do something that I am completely uncomfortable with."

 

"I personally wouldn't like my bf to have a female roommate,"

 

That of course isn't to say that there were none who expressed NO concern. Hazey said she didn't care, but I didn't see anyone who was completely in favor of it either.

 

Tru8 -- how much longer do you have to make a decision on this? I think we've covered most of the options here, and if after discussion she still says "this is what I'm doing" then you have your answer and you must either accept or leave.

 

Quite frankly, your girlfriend clearly has her own system of values that she lives by, and whether they are or are not consistent or fair, they govern how she will act. She has no problem with extended cheating, and that speaks volumes about her no matter how "justified" the cheating may have been.

[Iceman26]

I think you're on to something here. If a guy meets a girl and she already has a male roommate he wouldn't likely ask her to move out. However, if they are already in a relationship and she suddenly brings up the idea it would likely be more of a problem. The guy might be thinking, "hey, I'm more than enough man for her. Why does she feel the need to bring another man into her life?"

 

I had a friend that started dating a woman that had a male roommate, and he didn't have a problem with it, since he knew about it before he started dating her.

 

He later found out she would sometimes sleep with this male roommate and the relationship ended, but this is the only point of reference I have for this situation.

[TheFoglifter]

... later found out she would sometimes sleep with this male roommate and the relationship ended,"

 

Did sleep with mean "sex" or did it mean "share a bed".

[Iceman26]

 

Did sleep with mean "sex" or did it mean "share a bed".

 

Well they had separate rooms, but she admitted that she had sex with her roommate.

[TheFoglifter]

Thats just sad really. Was your friend a good person? Did he treat her right? Did the girl sleep with the roommate after a fight or did she just feel like sex on the side?

 

If it falls under the "it just happened" header, then that is reason enough to worry.

[tru8lue]

Let me ask you this Tru8lue: If you started dating your girlfriend and she already had a straight male roommate, you met him and hung out with him, etc. Would it bother you as much?

 

definitely would not bother me if I had met my GF while she had a guy roommate and I was comfortable with him. If I wasn't comfortable, then on to the next girl.

 

My situation is obviously different, I have invested 8 months of my life, I am in love, and I am not about just to walk out without trying to compromise. She wants a guy roommate after the fact while she is already with me. This is what is bothering me.

[TheFoglifter]

... am in love, and I am not about just to walk out without trying to compromise. She wants a guy roommate after the fact while she is already with me. This is what is bothering me."

 

She has made it clear that she is not willing to compromise, and she does not think your feelings are important enough to change her mind.

 

So what now?

[tru8lue]

I haven't talked to her since the one time we discussed this. I have a couple of weeks to organize my thoughts and see if I can convince her to come to the bargaining table with me at least. Right now she is just being stubborn, I know if I can talk some sense into her to just give compromise a shot, it might work out.

 

If not, it wasn't meant to be.

[TheFoglifter]

At this point, pride is probably her largest motivation. She has a strong incentive to disobey your wishes because she is afraid of losing control.

 

Unless she comes up with the idea herself to room with someone other than a straight male, there may not be much hope.

 

I'm glad you are willing to walk though -- you have to retain your strength in this case too.

[rocio]

I know if I can talk some sense into her to just give compromise a shot, it might work out.

 

I'm curious - what is your definition of a compromise?

[tru8lue]

I'm curious - what is your definition of a compromise?

 

Read my latest posts. I have even partially entertained Gina's post, which i may suggest if all else fails.

[rocio]

I`ve read your posts carefully but i don`t see a proposed compromise.

 

A compromise implies that both parties will make concessions in order to come to some sort of middle ground. Your idea of a `compromise` is for her to do exactly what you want her to.

 

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck and hope that the two of you can work out something that leaves you both satisfied.

[Rabican]

Thank you everyone for your input.

 

To summarize everyone's responses:

 

Not everyone is the same. Some people can handle their significant other having a roommate of the opposite sex with no problem. Others cannot (such as me). People that cannot handle this are not WRONG for feeling this way. You cannot help what you naturally feel sometimes. Its a part of a persons personality. If both people in the relationship want to make it work, she has to only have a female roommate or compromise with some other arrangement (get her own place, gay roommate, etc). If not, then unfortunately we will have to part ways, as we are incompatible.

 

Do you guys agree with the above?

 

I agree. Ultimately it comes down to this though. You cant tell her what to do. You do not have the RIGHT to do that. You do however, have the right to decide what kind of person you spend your life with. And you have decided that you are uncomfortable with your GF/ Wife etc. rooming with another man. thereforeeee, if that is the choice that she makes, you will respect it but YOU will not remain in the relationship.

[Rabican]

AGREED 110%

[Rabican]

Wait a minute... why dont you have her move in with you? Or can one of you break your lease? You may be able to pay an extra month or something after you leave but in most cases your renter will let you out...

 

Im just having a hard time finding that your girlfriend cant/wont even try to find ANYONE thats not a straight man to live with her.

 

How about this, you have her TRY to find a girl, or gay guy to live with... give it a shot. If it doesnt work out... then she can say see I told you so, the only person I can live with is some guy whos trying to get in my pants.