fnlyfrei Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 My son, who is 20...and I just got into another argument. Today I came home from work to find him sitting by the computer playing warcraft (as usual) the dishes were piled in the sink, his clothes and socks on the floor...(he is a slob) He is working, but spends most of his money on silly things..instead of saving it for a car or his own place. I was letting him use my car a few times a week to visit his girlfriend...but the other evening he came home smelling...and acting, like he had been drinking. And denied it. So no car use anymore. I feel guilty , but when he left today...in a huge huff...I felt relieved. I have two younger sons who have to put up with all this as well. I guess my question is, do I boot him out or do I TRY to teach him how to not act and live like an obnoxious slob? I am tired of prodding him to do the least thing. Of course, he thinks I am a horrible mother now and that I am unfair. Perhaps I approached him the wrong way. I am tired of coddling him...he needs to grow up. Tough love? Or patient understanding? He will be 21 this September. Link to comment
willow2900 Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Well, not a parent but here's my two cents! Tough love. You are enabling his behaviour. Don't want him to play computer games? Take it away. Move the computer to your room or somewhere he can't access it. You want to set the boundaries with him. You want to show to him and your other sons the rules for living in this house. As for the slob part, treat him like a two year old. When he cleans up, he gets a gold star, but instead of a gold star maybe it's 30min of computer time. If he says it's childish, agree. But tell him that you would like to talk and discuss it with him like an adult but he is not displaying any adult behaviours right now. I wouldn't kick him out right now but let him no it is a strong possiblity if his behaviour does not improve. Have you thought about charging him "rent" and putting that money in a savings account for him at a later date (ie college, car etc.) Link to comment
Locke2121 Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 If he won't step up and be a man, contribute to the household and act like an adult, its definatly time for tough love. Cut out the car, demand rent, cut computer access if you can. Time for him to shape up or ship out! Link to comment
fnlyfrei Posted March 10, 2007 Author Share Posted March 10, 2007 You both are right that he needs tough love. If I make excuses to let him get away with acting like this...it isn't going to help him not to make excuses to straighten up and fly right. If there is one thing I cannot stand, it is people who do not take responsibility for themselves. And I do not want him still living with me when he is 40...in my basement. Pushing him out of the nest shouldnt be with a fight, I had always hoped he would be excited to be on his own. I guess he will need lots of nudges and an occasional shove. Link to comment
Beec Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 I think you should give him a warnign that tough love is coming, and then it should come. Link to comment
fnlyfrei Posted March 10, 2007 Author Share Posted March 10, 2007 He is leaving for the weekend...I guess his friends feel bad for him since his mother is so MEAN. I am going to sit down and write all my expectations down....(the warning) and when he doesn't follow the rules...the Tough Love. I guess just expecting him to pitch in isn't enough. I will try writing out the guidelines. Can't argue with black and white. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 He is no longer a teenager, not in school, and has his mom taking care of the adult responsibilities for him, so why should he grow up? this is a VERY common problem though. I think you should not only have rules for him, but also pick a specific date when he needs to get his own place, and stick to it. Or collect room and board out of his paycheck, which you can put towards the expenses of carrying him (or into an account to help him get launched). He is bound to act badly about this for a while too, trying to emotionally blackmail you into letting him have an extended adolescence, but don't cave, for his own sake. He will behave a lot more responsibly when he pays the consequences for his own behavior, not you. Or else he will find another person to do this to (girlfriend, guy friends, etc.), but that is at least a step towards independence, because usually they will end up being tougher on him than you, if he tries to get them to carry him for too long. Link to comment
socal Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 I have no kids yet but this hits home with my family. I have an older brother who your son reminds me of. We're 6 years apart but I ended up moving out before he did! My mother always said, "I don't ever want my kids to feel like they don't have warm place stay." My loving mother, bless her heart... but she kept us in an incubator while trying to encourage us to breathe on our own. I believe you need to put your foot down. No Car? No driving. Maybe he'll resort to buying a bucket of car that's so embarrassing that it'll push him to work harder. As for being a slob and so forth... there's always a comfort in your parent's house. I'll admit it... even when I come home to visit after all these years I take advantage of being taken care of. In my opinion, he needs to move out. Give him a deadline, and slowly start turning his bedroom to your new office if he's not taking you seriously. Link to comment
flower99 Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 He is leaving for the weekend...I guess his friends feel bad for him since his mother is so MEAN. I am going to sit down and write all my expectations down....(the warning) and when he doesn't follow the rules...the Tough Love. I guess just expecting him to pitch in isn't enough. I will try writing out the guidelines. Can't argue with black and white. That sounds like a excellent plan. Giving him the expectations, will teach him to be the man he will need to be in the world......when he's on his own. I wish you luck. Guaranteed he won't be happy about the expectations. But stay strong, it's for his own good. I fully agree with everything bestrongbehappy said! You have a 20year old son? Wow, I thought, by your picture, you were in your twenties. I would have never guess Link to comment
Aleadragonhawk Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Sounds exactly like my brother. If you can afford to support him, you might try giving him the option my mother did - either he pays rent, or he goes to college. Link to comment
Kalika Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 either he pays rent, or he goes to college. Definitely!!! And fnl - You have a 20 year old?! I looked at your pic and I seriously thought YOU were in your twenties! Link to comment
Scout Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 I think you should give him a warnign that tough love is coming, and then it should come. Good idea. Case in point: when I was 26, I moved back home with my mom and re-enrolled in college. It was her idea for me to live at home, I didn't really want to. Well, fast forward two years later, and she was like, "It's time to go!" I didn't want to, LOL. Hey, I got spoiled by having someone do my laundry and cleaning again. But, she said, "Scout, seriously...you have to find an apartment when this semester is over." I knew the timeline, and I knew my mom meant it. Will your son know you mean it, though? That's the only thing. It's kind of important that he does. Link to comment
Beec Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Will your son know you mean it, though? That's the only thing. It's kind of important that he does. Absolutely correct. You need to mean what you threaten to do, you need to make sure he knows you do, and you need to back it up to the extent of calling the cops to get him out, if need be. Link to comment
GQstatus Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 A year or so ago my mom took me and my ex gf in. Me 22, her 18/19. I already was in the process of getting back on my two feet and getting a place, but my gf was kicked out of her home (abusive household) and had no where else safe to go. My mother being the sweetest woman on the planet agreed that she would be better off with me. I drove 7 hours to pick up my ex, and her stuff in my car. My mom must of really thought about the decision she made while I was gone because she called me on my cell on the way back and said "Just to let you know, when you guys get here, you will be signing a contract"...I laughed, hysterically. My mom doesn't swear, always insisted on doing my laundry, and spoiled me rotten growing up. Sure enough we arrived, she sat down, handed us both a piece of paper with a spot to "sign" at the bottom. With Rules, I think there were about 10? Just ordinary stuff. Help out with cleaning, pick up after yourselves, help out with groceries, etc...and the last one at the bottom was "You have 6 months to find your own place". Dang, mom! She lucked out, we ended up moving out in about 4 months. Some kids, including myself need that extra kick in the pants to get going. Asking so little to just do the dishes and put your socks away, should NOT be an issue. Definitely not something to throw a tantrum about. Try a contract. Or at least agree on some rules. I don't know what 20 yr old wouldn't want his own car. Link to comment
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