The Girl you like has a bf,and guess what he's a {mod Edit}

[TheJoker]

I have recently met this Girl. She great, we get onlong awesomely she thinks im funny, attractive, she fishes for complements about her cloths. We chat on msn for hours. She admitted she is shy around people but with me she is very comforable.

 

She told me she had a bf. Thats cool but then she goes on and tells me all the crappy stuff he does. Reads her sms's wont tell her were he lives and they have been going out for 2 years. He doesnt listen to her etc etc.

 

I dont want to move in on her that is not my style. But she sounds so unhappy. Im sure the guy is ok and has good qualities but it so hard to sit back and see someone you attacted to go out with a doosh.

 

What to do. thx

[Stu147]

I have recently met this Girl. She great, we get onlong awesomely she thinks im funny, attractive, she fishes for complements about her cloths. We chat on msn for hours. She admitted she is shy around people but with me she is very comforable.

 

She told me she had a bf. Thats cool but then she goes on and tells me all the crappy stuff he does. Reads her sms's wont tell her were he lives and they have been going out for 2 years. He doesnt listen to her etc etc.

 

I dont want to move in on her that is not my style. But she sounds so unhappy. Im sure the guy is ok and has good qualities but it so hard to sit back and see someone you attacted to go out with a doosh.

 

What to do. thx

 

Hey Joker,

 

There's not a lot you can do other than to continue to be there for her and to continue to support her. She needs to come to her own conclusions about her boyfriend, only she can decide if he is right for her or not. It's never a good idea to get involved in someone else's relationship.

 

Hopefully she will eventually see the light if her bf really is that shoddy, and then who knows what could happen between you guys. But for now just stay out of it, and when she is berating her boyfriend to you try not to get drawn too much into that. Like I say, let her come to her own conclusions. That way she can never blame you in anyway for anything that happens with her relationship.

 

I hope it all works out for the best, for you and for her....

[CynicalGuitarist]

Bro, whatever you do, don't let her use you as a whine crutch. I've always seen really nice guys (myself included) do that to try and be a good "friend", but it'll get you nothin' more.

 

I say let it go. Well, not completely, but, like superior notes, let her deal with her boyfriend problems herself; unless he does something drastic like hit her. Women (especially at my age) tend to go for jerks, but there are angels amongst the masquerading, and some that end up finding the jerks of the bunch, but that's up to her, not you.

[TheJoker]

Thx guys. Is great to hear people are confriming my thoughts. btw she is 19.

[mikeca]

ahh I remember just finding out the girl I was starting to like had a boyfriend...ahh c'est la vie.

[Batya33]

How would you feel if you did date her and she chats with some other guy for hours who clearly is interested in her? It's not cheating but I am sure she just loves all the attention. I have a feeling that love for attention outside the relationship from other men who are into her will continue. Are you ok with that?

[pinkelephant]

i don't know.

 

 

 

my experience with people who complain about their SO to you .. is that they'll also do it TO YOU when you're the SO. I think whining excessively about your relationship or your SO to another person is really disrespectful to the relationship.

[Locke2121]

Dude, you are in the Friend Zone, fast become her best guy friend. The only way your going to ever be more is if you back up and start treating her like any other woman you wish to date.

 

But she has a boyfriend, that changes the rules. You think she has found the perfect guy in you right? Then why is she still with him. She's had two years to change and hasn't.

 

If you want to be her friend, fine. Then simply keep going down the same road your on now. You'll get to hear how her bf keeps breaking her heart, how nice you are, why couldn't he have been you and a thousand other little swords to the heart.

 

But if you want to be more, then you need to tell her how you feel. Tell her what you think of her bf and that you think that she could be doing a heck of alot better.....then leave. Cut all contact for a while. This will give her time to think about you, miss you and will cause her to reexamine her life with her bf.

 

After about a month or so, ease back into contact with her. You'll get your answer. If she stays with him, take it on the chin and get on with your life. She can still be a friend to you. But if she realizes the terrible mess she's in, she'll need your help to get out of it and start a new life for herself.

 

Good luck dude.

[Locke2121]

my experience with people who complain about their SO to you .. is that they'll also do it TO YOU when you're the SO. I think whining excessively about your relationship or your SO to another person is really disrespectful to the relationship.

 

True, but it can also mean that there is something really wrong with the relationship. There wouldn't appear to be any real lines of communication to deal with problems. So people have to start talking to others to feel better. its not exactly disrespectful, but is actually a sign of something wrong with the relationship.

[Northalius]

I think it'd show a sign they're not fit for a relationship then; if they can't confront their own partner about issues in the relationship, then they're not mature enough to learn how to stand up for themselves, care enough to have open communication, and finally fix the problem, or respectfully break up.

 

I also agree that it's disrespectful to complain about your problems to another person, when you should be confronting your partner about them first; if you can't resolve the problem(s) through speaking about them, then seek a counselor to help the both of you; but, keep it as personal as possible... since it's just that... personal.

 

So, I'd also steer clear of the "my relationship sucks" kind of yappers. Not a good sign of relationship material.

[Locke2121]

Eh, its not so much about maturity as simple communications. I've seen 12-year olds that communicate better than many adults.

[TheFoglifter]

I'd worry about becoming the rebound guy. How would you feel after all this time wanting her, if she dumped him, got with you, then 2 weeks later pulled one of the "I need some ME time" lines. She'd take that me time, bang a bunch of other guys, then end up with someone totally different.

 

I agree with the previous diagnoses about telling her how you feel, and then completely cutting off all contact for a month or more.

 

If you don't want to do that, then start (as was also said) treating her more like a potential girlfriend than a date. Next time she starts to complain about her boyfriend say something very conclusive and judgemental like "if you hate him that much why are you with him" or "wow, girls really DO love jerks" then the NEXT time she brings him up say something like "I don't want to hear about him anymore, lets talk about something else".

 

As was said, you are in the friend zone. You'll be there for her, help her through her breakup, and then you'll get this speech:

 

"You've been such a good friend I don't know what I'd have done without you. Thanks to you, I've met a wonderful new man who is all the things I've always wanted in a boyfriend. I really owe you my gratitude and if there's anything I can do just let me know".

[Locke2121]

*shudder* What man doesn't hate that?

[Northalius]

Eh, its not so much about maturity as simple communications. I've seen 12-year olds that communicate better than many adults.

 

Who said maturity had an age?

 

When I say mature, I mean within their emotions and morals to know what is right for a relationship. If you're mature enough, you'll put aside your fear of anything you assume will happen, and break through to get things done no matter what.

[ghost69]

you need to let her realize how bad this guy she is with is. it's good that you don't pursue her further since she is with someone. i don't condone that either.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

If he was THAT bad, she wouldnt be with him!

 

My own guess is she's doing the classic thing of basking in your admiration and sympathy, all the while getting a longterm relationship with her BF.

 

And lets say he IS a doosh...well, why would you want a woman with bad taste?!

[lovesickkk]

well said man

[lovesickkk]

joker, u should read my long thread, we're in the same boat bro, i'm now at te point ware i have shown interest and am now pulling away, making her think/miss me....we'll see if it works.

[ghost69]

i have no idea why people get so hung up on people that are making bad decisions right in front of them.

[lovesickkk]

its like tryin to be the knight in shining armor type of deal i guess, i dont know

[trash mail]

stay out of it and keep your distance. You are the third party.

[ghost69]

3 wheels = tricycle. remember how fun a tricycle was?

[Siriana]

Let her complain to her best friend.

You on the other hand need to stop being her friend/wanna be bf/saver/emotional crutch.

Stop contact with her.

This situation is not honest.

[TheJoker]

Syrix you are spot on.

 

But remember people we have all gone out with some * * * * people.

[Altruist]

Don't let this girl waste your time with her whining. She obviously loves the guy that she's 'complaining about'. She is just looking for pampering and cheap sympathy from you. Don't tolerate this. Run, unless you like the idea of being in the friendzone.