how do you know when enough time has passed.

[astaro]

split up with my girl 3 weeks ago (obviously not enough time yet). i constantly miss her, think about her, think about what went wrong, and what could be changed to fix the situation. a week ago i realised that one of the main communication problems we had was my fault, i was reading through a psychological evaluation of myself that was done 10 years ago and one of the things that struck me was the fact that in my mother language i seem to have a problem with remembering the right word for a given situation and using one that is less appropriate for the given situation. my ex has a very high linguistic level and it generated a situation in which we where talking but never really understood each other because our perception of the meaning of certain words was different (her perception was the right one mostly).

 

this probably comes from the fact that as a small child we moved to the US for a couple of years and my parents wanted me to keep my high level of English, so all my books/tapes/videos where in English and the only time i spoke my mothers tongue was in school, from 11 and on my best friend was also an English speaker and since we both felt more comfortable in English that is the language i used on a more intense level, having Internet probably aggravated the problem. i would say i do about 95% of my reading/writing in English and even when speaking Hebrew i will throw in an English word every now and then when i cant find the right word in Hebrew. problem is her English isn't very good so i have to communicate in Hebrew when talking to her.

 

in addition i am coming to grips with the fact that i don't know how to be supportive. probably comes from the fact i have been "on my own" emotionally since i can remember. i don't know how to ask for support and i don't know how to appreciate it when i get it. the only times i really feel the benefits of support is when i totally brake down.

 

generally when some one is hurting and talks to me they will get my opinions and not compassion. i seem incapable of just offering a hug and some comforting words to people, which is often what they need. a lot of times people don't want to hear what they should do to start working through their problems, often times they just want a hug and i don't seem to know how to provide that (this probably strikes some of you as very odd).

 

we spent at least 50% of our entire relationship struggling to make it work, which is probably the main reason i left, i was exhausted of struggling with the relationship and never really seeing any results. my main issues with her are most likely her neediness and clingyness. i want to be with someone that is independent. i want to be with someone who is with me because they want to be and not because they need to be.

 

i guess what i am getting at is i miss her and i suspect that without the above issues we might have been able to work through things. now that i am aware of my own problems maybe this could still be salvaged. i just don't know how long i should wait, and i am not sure weather this is me rationalizing my pain or if i truly am onto something, and even if i am, how do i know if its really her that i want or if its my fear of being alone raising its ugly head?

 

i think i should wait at least a month and keep my distance from her, perspective is so problematic after just three weeks, having a hard time trusting my thoughts because they change so rapidly. i guess all i can really do now is wait, keep as LC as i can with her and see what time brings.

[mca1975]

hi there, its normal to rationalize and try and figure out what went wrong. it sounds to me to be honest that you two are just not right for each other if you spent so much time struggling to make it work. I too did that for an entire six months and since I have come out of my relationship, I can see it (after two weeks only of emotional distance) what was wrong and it was that he was very controlling and needy and I felt smothered but I stayed in it because he gave me so much love and I had a need in me for that.

 

its hard to resist to try and get back, but you should definitely wait and see if she wants you back and comes to you. if you try and get her back and succeed, how will you know if she is coming back out of just feeling sorry for you?

[Mun]

You say you want a more independent person, then why second guess yourself about her if you felt she was clingy and needy? A little more time might give you more clarity....take it. Loneliness sucks, but so does being with the wrong person for the wrong reasons and at the wrong time.

 

I love how you are thinking about what went wrong and what could have been different. That's how we grow....

[astaro]

only thing one can really do is smack themselves over the back of the head enough times to hope something sticks and you manage to grow, without growth we never overcome anything. i guess i am just frustrated of over analyzing everything, i think 24/7, giving me sleep problems and general pretty constant anxiety, i really need these next couple of weeks to pass already, sadly the coming weeks are going to be damn boring for me.

 

at least writing all this is clearing my head a bit, even if its only a temporary solution.

[Me and myself]

From what you've written it seems a problem that can be solved, if you both really want that.

 

 

 

I don't think that's odd. I was reading it and I thought you were talking about me. What you are talking about is one of the things that gives me more hurting. Sometimes it seems I cannot give or receive love from anyone. I think I just don't know how to do it and it hurts me because only a few people in my life made a real effort to understand what I really feel and why I do certain things. My ex was the first person to whom I explained what was going inside me, regarding this issue. I felt I needed to tell her that.I really don't know the importance she gave to it but I felt so relieved.

 

 

 

Maybe this is your main issue on the relationship...

 

 

 

I think most of us felt, when our relationships were over, that we were able to salvage our relationships by acting differently. But the "statistics" show the opposite...You don't have to wait for a month, you must wait for as long as you need...some people need more time, depending on the person and the relationship...taking your own words: "...having a hard time trusting my thoughts because they change so rapidly...". From these words I can tell you need more time...Let your thoughts settle down. When you fell ready, you'll notice it. Good luck!

[bacci]

I am a linguist and English is not my first language. One major issue in my marriage was the choice of words, because you seem so fluent people assume you understand all the nuances and connotations of the words you use, whereas some might escape you. So yes, that can be frustrating but workable, if both partners give feedback on the message they are getting and allow the other to rephrase it if it is not accurate.

As far as the ability to communicate compassion, there is a lot of research on gender speech style (look up Debora Tannen's work) that looks into it.

It can help a lot of people to understand that men and women are socialized different through language and that their use of language reflects this, is not the whole story, but it will help. for example , little boys do ' ritual fight' and one form is teasing, a woman doesn't take teasing for what it is , a way for men to show affiliation, to make friends. Women do 'trouble talk' in which the proper response is to empathize and share some of your own troubles, not try to fix the problem. (which tends to be what men would try to do, right? because you think they are asking for help, not just empathy.)

Also this trouble talk' tends to give the impression that women are whiny...anyway, its a good read. Again, not the whole story, but having experienced a lot of what you expressed I had to share.

[astaro]

thanks for the advice, sadly i couldnt find any proper matirial by that women, just links to her books (which will be hard to come by here)

[Altruist]

Give it time. If you still feel strongly about her after two months try to ring her up again. I am sure the little flaws that she has can be ironed out eventually. You just ahve to comunicate honestly with her and assure her of your love.