Need input: porn case turned real bad

[DN]

Another question: do you love him enough to try your best to get this relationship back on track? Or have you had enough already.

[DN]

OK- well I am seriously trying to help you here and jokes like that just confuse the issue.

[itsallgrand]

.

 

Sounds like you have had a lot of stuff bottled up inside for a long time.

[ghost69]

what a scumbag. i'd sock him in the face if i was there. i hate womanizers.

[ghost69]

he is probably mad because he has a small winky and you don't want it anymore.

[isisastaria]

Sorry...yeah It was a bonus thing. I wasn't mocking the situation. Thanks for your help.

I think today I am finally ready to call it quits. I am really tired of feeling like i am just not good enough for him. All the online stuff came up right when I was feeling very close to him and we were freshly engaged. I feel our engagment is even tainted. He has made comments that are unforgettable every time I have brought it up. I am scared because he's leaving in a month. How will I be away from him for that long...engaged...and feeling like this? I just don't think it's going to work unless something really drastic happens on his end. I just don't see it working

[DN]

So - do you really want to give him up?

 

Or perhaps make one last ditch effort to sort it out. I might be able to help you with some techniques for doing that but you have to be willing to try. And it would involve you making compromises and sacrifices as well and letting go a lot of the anger that you have inside - some of which is not his fault.

 

Anyway - send me a pm if you want to.

[isisastaria]

Yes. I'm game. Give me a job. i'm willing to do whatever it takes.

[isisastaria]

I haven't spent 4 years of my FERTILE years to give up that easily if there's a way to work it out!

[ghost69]

don't just going out rushing for another guy. just go out.

[itsallgrand]

I haven't spent 4 years of my FERTILE years to give up that easily if there's a way to work it out!

 

You know what....I had this thought too. I am close to your age.

 

Those years are gone.

 

What you do now will not change the past one iota. I cried about that a lot. But it is true.

 

What you do now matters and determines,though, if you spend 4 more years the way you have been.

 

Or not.

 

Don't mortgage your future!

[Zaphod]

If I could waive a magic wand? I would have a really hot guy who is the same religion as I am (this guy was...that was a big reason why I stuck with him! Hard to find!) he would be kind and love kids...want a child/children, be physically conscious (exercise, nutrition), be educated but not necessarily hold a phD, never criticize me, hug me and kiss me when I am hurt, be trust worthy, generous, forgiving, gentle.

 

Well if you know that much why not join a dating agency?

What religion are you? Something minority? Is your religion compatible with say a Pagan fellow or a non religious fellow or humanist?

The other qualities ought to go without saying, you basically want an intelligent loving person.

I think the important thing is "he should want kids".

[ghost69]

omg. rushing to meet someone because you are less fertile is one way to get caught up in a really bad situation.

[Zaphod]

who understands my rape and what it did (or at least tries to understand).

 

Let me tell you from first hand experience that understanding your partner's past rape involves becoming your partner being raped in your own mind, and will require a VERY empathic person who will be able to stand the shock when the penny really drops in his own mind and he actually realises what it is you went through.

However there are those of us out there. You need a partner who is prepared to accept himself some of your pain and shoulder it. This does not sound like the man you are describing in this thread.

The last thing you do with a woman who has bee raped is make fun of her body. He needs a slap, if you don't mind me saying so.

[isisastaria]

Don't mind at all. I agree. I just can't do that, unfortunately.

[isisastaria]

So everyone agrees that saying the breast comment to me was an insult? I guess I'm not the minority then. He claimed he wasn't saying anything bad about MY body. Just telling me what he was looking at because I asked. I didn't ask him THAT! I asked what kind of porn he watched....S&M? Anything kinky? THAT is what I asked him!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i dunno, this guy sounds like a really bad prospect for a husband. you're not even married yet, and he's talking about wanting a woman with bigger hooters.

 

kind of anti-classy in my book, and definitely doesn't sound like sleazeball is on your list of perfect men.

 

i think you have to slow down for a minute and look at your list of what you want. some of those things are something that anybody can learn to do/be, i.e., learn medical terminology, learn how to shoot a gun, etc.

 

but the things to do with character are almost never learned, and are ingrained in a person by the time they are 8 years old and they don't ever change. according to you, this guy is really rude, volatile, changes his mind all the time, says nasty things to you, etc. etc. that is not gonna change, and no marriage certificate is gonna make that better, usually only makes them worse.

 

so please don't assume that marrying him (and quickly) will 'fix' him or anything wrong with this relationship.

 

i think you already know the answer (time to move on and find someone who isn't so crass and rude/mean to you, who has better character than this guy does).

[isisastaria]

I am not pagen. I am LDS. So it's a little harder to find the men (esp. in Cali).

[ghost69]

any statement to keep an argument going is bad.

[isisastaria]

very true. I love you guys!!! You all have such good input. Different walks, diferent countries, different perspectives! My heaven!!!

[need2bme]

Does it really matter if he ISN'T a LDS? I ask, because if he is Catholic or Baptist, he still believes in a God. Also, I personally do not believe what the LDS believe and my ex and I believed differently, but I still loved her dearly.

 

Also, you really seem to be all over the place. Why are you still asking if his breast comments were bad? As Ghost wrote, "any statement to keep an argument going is bad". I will go one step further, "any person who will openly criticize you and make you feel bad, simply so they can have a leg up in the argument or feel better about themselves, is CRAP!"

 

Also, even though we have only heard your side, I am sure that if you come accross to him (AND this in not intended to offend) like you are all over the place and cannot figure out what you want and want to change everything about him, then I can see how he might be frustrated.

 

So, back up, take a deep breath, sit down and figure out what you want.

 

Do you want to continue to be put down? Do you want to feel like you have to make him change? These are things to figure out within yourself.

[need2bme]

What you do now will not change the past one iota. I cried about that a lot. But it is true.

 

My friend always says that the above is not necessarily true, because what we do right now, will change our past, when this time becomes our past. ;-)

 

What you do now matters and determines,though, if you spend 4 more years the way you have been.

 

Or not.

 

Don't mortgage your future!

 

This is what is so hard to learn and remember for so many people. It took me so long, until recently after my breakup, as a matter of fact. I kept saying to people, "but we have been together for "X" amount of years", to which they would reply, "do you want to still be this way in "X+1" years?"

 

If I would have only listened.

[tornhuman]

Our stories are closer then it seems! My biggest problem about 2 months ago was my boyfriends issue with lokking at half naked and naked girls on myspace.... it hurt me extreamly bbad and it seemsed that no matter how many times i told him he'd eventually go back to doing it again. For some reason the last time we talked about it he actually stopped... which only gives hope that men can change... His excuse was always but I don't talk to them... There is no excuse if it hurts you it matters and he needs to know that weather it is a comment about your looks or your relationship.

 

Hopwever, my boyfriend does not put me down he actually tries his hardest to convince me that I am the most beautiful thing in the world. Your boyfriend needs to know he hurts you and if nothing else you definitly need to sit down and have a talk.

 

I can't say I know what it feels like to be reaped or to be with someone who has. However my best friend was almost and it ruined her relationship and ate her boyfriend alive. You definitly need to both maybe take a day and take a notebook and write down the issues you have and then take a couple of hours and dicuss all the things you both wrote down. My boyfriend and I do this because, it really helps.

 

The real question you have to answer is do you really love him? And if you do, is love enough anymore?

 

Unfortunitly this is also the question I have to face..... maybe we can figure it out together!

[isisastaria]

need2beme: thanks. you're right. I did need a breather. I talked to my therapist (we are getting pre-marital)...and it helped a lot. my therapist already told me what I need to do , now he just needs to tell him what to do. So he expained this to me and my F already agreed to go on Monday. Last session helped a lot.

[blender]

Dear isisastaria,

 

I'm sorry you are hurting and confused, but the good news is, it seems that you are wiling to have the dignity, self respect and maturity to seek advice and you are willing to take an honest look at what this relationship has "revealed itself to be"... and that you are discovering that what you "hoped it could be" and what it "actually is" are not the same thing.. good for you for taking the time to step back and cherish and respect your own heart..even if he can not do the same.. that is HIS problem, he's stuck in his own "emotional pattern".. one that was in place long before you came into his life...

 

For now just try to remember to "stop" and think about who you are, and what YOUR values are in life.. (besides there is no emergency to "get married", it should be a marriage out of choice, joy, respect) but instead it seems he does not share your "standards/values for a relationship, he does not seem to cherish your feelings, respect your heart, or even love himself. The porn, the arguments, the online dating sites, the anger, the mimicking of your voice, the text telling you to stay away, etc..

 

all the "drama" provoked by the combination of the two of you may "feel intense and emotional but do NOT confuse this with "LOVE"...these are all qualitites of a immature, emotionally unhealthy, bad habit of a relationship,

 

That YOU seem to have the courage now to question, and consider, you have the courage to step away from for awhile so you can re-gain your perspective, be in "acceptance" and not denial, and to love yourself, respect yourself, and not make a choice to be with someone who does not know how to love respectfully, and to embrace your feelings and concerns with kindness.

 

YOU deserve to meet the right kind of loving, mature, kind, respectful, sexy, joyful, committed, wonderful man for you, but first you have to work on YOU becoming the "right woman" for YOURSELF.. so take care of you, do NOT get married to anyone who does not show respect, kindness, or the intentional effort to embrace and share the precious values that define you and are important to you...