venting anger about my bf who I am struggling to trust!

[sunshinecoast]

I am angry at my boyfriend and I need to vent some anger.

These are some reasons why it is so hard for me to trust my boyfriend whom I am in a long distance gay relationship with:

 

1. When his gay friend (who I know little about) stayed with him for 2 weeks I hardly heard from my boyfriend and when I did, his friend was not around. He only spoke to me quietly and late at night. I since have reason to believe that his friend has strong feelings for my boyfriend and he is visiting him again soon.

 

2. The day I was meant to arrive in his country for a visit (my travel plans were cancelled at the last minute on one occasion), my boyfriend went to gym, picked up an unknown man, went to dinner with him and then went back to the man's house.

Though apparently nothing happened.

 

3. My boyfriend is known to be highly promiscuous.

 

4. He pursued me and tried to sleep with me while he was in another relationship.

He never told me about this other relationship until I was already involved with him.

 

5. There is no end to his flirtatious ways and behaviour.

 

6. I know he has been emotionally unfaithful and started a romantic connection with at least two other men online. This while our relationship isn't even a year old! The first he has been secretly arranging a holiday to with and he left sexually suggestive messages to him online. He also refers to this guy as sexy.

 

The second man he spoke romantically with online. He was flirtatious with him. When this man asked about my boyfriend's relationship status my boyfriend ignored the question. When this man asked what my boyfriend was doing in my country, instead of saying he was visiting me, he said he was having fun and looking at museums!

Not helping further: my boyfriend has been secretive about both - saying they are just friends and never speaking about them with me. (I only found out about this while my boyfriend was visiting me and he left his computer on). I confronted him immediately but he still denied what was going on and only 2 months later did he admit to being wrong. I suspect that my boyfriend and the second man have met or will meet soon. I don't believe my boyfriend will tell me if they do meet.

I feel betrayed.

 

7. While my boyfriend was with me for a weekend last year he had at the back of his mind, the knowledge that he was going to fly to another city the following weekend to be with his ex. He never told me about this until he landed back in his country. He never told me because he must have known it was wrong and I wouldn't be happy about it. It frightens me to think that I am with someone who can be so pleasant to me while having other secret agendas going on in his mind.

When I confronted him about this he said that because he was having doubts he needed to be sure that his ex was wrong for him and then even went on to tell me how big and thick his ex's penis was and suggested that it was difficult to leave that!

 

8. The things he says are contradictory. He tells me he loves me, wants this relationship wholeheartedly and invests time and money into our relationship and he speaks well to me but then he will say he doesn't know if he is ready for a gay relationship and if he can handle a serious relationship. What must I think?

 

9. He goes to gay clubs and gay venues a lot. He dances with half naked men and seeks approval from these people. I don't know if he is being faithful.

 

10. He believes there is nothing wrong with sex with strangers during a relationship though he says he doesn't do this and won't while being involved with me.

 

These are just some of the things which have gone on which cause serious doubt in my mind - and then my boyfriend admonishes me for having trust issues with him! Sometimed I wonder if this is a mentally-abusive relationship which I am in?

 

What must I think about this? On paper this is a total disaster. He appears to be a flake and made of all the wrong stuff but I fell in love with him and don't know how to extract myself because I do care about him. We do have good times together when he doesn't bring this drama along or say stupid things. I focus on the good things and they have kept me going but I always have these very real fears which get so much worse when he goes away. I can't go on living like this. What should I do? I was thinking of giving him a taste of his own medicine and striking up a 'side-line-romance' etc but it really would go against my principals. Still it might make him see what he is doing wrong.

I know that nobody can really help with this but I get some relief from venting my anger here.

[Dako]

I can't imagine loving someone like that if you have a shred of self-esteem.

Is this what you want in a relationship?

It's what you'll always get from him, if you continue.

[flower99]

You shouldn't trust him. You have EVERY reason NOT to trust him.

10 + reasons you've listed right there.

Why are you with him??? Honesetly I'd leave now.

how many more reasons do you need?

[Zaphod]

Oh dear. Erm.....

[Dako]

If I woke up to a day with a fraction of this drama, I'd be gone.

 

Are you excited by this drama, or just not concerned about yourself?

 

I'd pack my bags, drop off a blood sample to be tested and find a better life.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Two wrongs don't make a right, so a 'sideline' relationship for you won't fix anything in this relaltionship, just an attempt to strike back at him because he has hurt you, and will feel hollow once you have done it.

 

You say it yourself: 'I can't go on living like this.' I think that is the very reasonable smart part of yourself recognizing that he is not boyfriend material, and you need to get out.

 

At a minimum, he is a very actively promiscuous man who is in a phase where he wants to have sex with lots of people and not really be accountable to anyone. That does not a good boyfriend make...

 

so i think you need to trust your instincts and stop trying to make a 'relationship' with someone who wants to be a social butterfly and have sex with everyone. it really sounds like you want someone who is more of a partner, and this guy doesn't want to be anyone's partner.

[agent1607307371]

If you suspect him of cheating, go get tested.

 

He sounds to be very promiscuous, what type of concern does he have for his health? Don't leave that he is using protection to faith.

 

I really don't think that this is a healthy relationship for you, no matter the good times, the effect of the bad will have longer consequences on your physical and mental health (stress, plus anything he picks up) and your ability to trust other people you enter into relationships with.

[Gus Almighty]

You've already answered your own questions, you just need to sit down and arrange everything in your head. You cant live like that.

[Kalika]

#1 alone gave me reason to think he's untrustworthy. Then I kept reading, and it just got worse.

 

I think you definitely have reasons to not trust him...

[Batya33]

Are you also angry with yourself for getting involved with someone who you knew to cheat?

[caro33]

Hi there sunshinecoast. This doesn't sound good, and you know that. I'm sorry, but while it may be hard, it does not sound like trusting him with yourself could be anything other than self-delusion and magical thinking.

 

I am reminded of your earlier thread though - are you still going to move to his country to be with him?

[sunshinecoast]

Hi Everyone. Thank you for the replies. I suppose I have been hoping all along it would change...and, it seems, fooling myself in the process.

Hi Caro - Yes the ball is in motion already for my move to his country. This is a difficult situation. I don't understand why he would put energy into our relationship and help with the move over there etc and then contradict that with these destructive and trust-sabotaging decisions?

I am stunned and baffled at the behaviour. I've forgiven him time and again thinking it wouldn't happen again and when it does he somehow makes me feel like I am the one in the wrong - it's almost like I become hypnotised out of the reality of it. I think a part of why I have continued is because I haven't been able to believe someone could be that way. It doesn't add up to me??

[caro33]

I have done the same thing in the past. But try and kick yourself out of it if you can - do not project your own standards on to this guy. He is not you, and people do do this kind of thing. He may well not mean any harm but that does not mean he won't cause you harm through his actions.

 

Are you re-considering moving to be with him?

[sunshinecoast]

Hi Caro - Yes I am seriously reconsidering this move. I hope I can be strong enough. I don't want to be hurt anymore.

[caro33]

This sounds tough, but it's a watershed time for you. Think about it, think of all the things that would need to happen for you to have close to no qualms about going. Think of the changes he would need to make and ask yourself if in the real world those changes are truly possible. Ask yourself if you have been given any real sign that he has the will and the capacity to make those changes.

 

If you know in your heart of hearts that the changes could never be made, then don't move. You are making a serious decision about what might be the rest of your life here; changing country is no small deal.

 

You have also said he has not been in a serious relationship before but has slept with 100s of men and women. I think that speaks volumes about his capacity to be the monogamous man you expect him to be, particularly given your first post to this thread as well.

[Brooding_Goddess]

I have heard this somewhere too - where the girlfriends knows the boyfriend is cheating and confronts him, he denies saying the other girl has a crush on him, and when the woman asked him not to have any form of contact with the latter, he refuses. She knows they are still together but she won't leave the relationship.

 

I can't say I have no sympathy for women being cheated on but if they know the men they are dealing with and have no intention to "repent" or stay faithful why continue the relationship, hurt yourself and blame the men? Indeed the men are at fault but when you can't see it yourself and continue to be blinded then you are at fault (to yourself) as well.

[sunshinecoast]

Despite being on the verge of breaking up with him, we fought about it and talked much about everything and eventually I decided to forgive my boyfriend again and move on with the relastionship. He promised his fidelity to me and I promised I wouldn't be paranoid anymore. We've been really good and everything has been fine between us. It has been so refreshing to be able to work again and exist without stress and anxiety. But tonight he started talking about a f*ckbuddy of his who called last week and then he told me how this guy has given him so much pleasure. Do I really want to hear this?! Am I being paranoid for being hurt by this comment? Perhaps I really haven't forgiven him and will be scarred and en garde for some time yet.

[Batya33]

It doesn't sound like you've resolved your trust issues and he sounds tacky and tactless particularly for someone who begged your forgiveness.

[caro33]

Absolutely. He's either insensitive to the max, or he's testing you. Either way, I don't think you are being paranoid, and I question whether he's someone whose word you should place much stock in.

[sunshinecoast]

oh hell I'm having a drama again. Everything has been good between us but tonight he was telling me about a threesome he was in, how erotic it was and how he has had sex with so many people on the first date. It changed my mood from being light to instantly in a state of not being able to think of things to talk about. I felt afraid and so trapped by the vision of these things he was telling me. I started shaking and just wanted to get off the phone. Is this normal? Do other couples talk about past sexual experiences with no problem or anxiety? He says he regrets that he had sex with these people on the first date as it perpetuated a cycle of meaninglessness and I suppose I should be focusing on that. Am I immature to be stressed out by my boyfriend's sexual history?

[caro33]

I really implore you to stop criticising yourself and trying to rationalise around all this by dismissing your own feelings.

 

Some people might be fine with what your boyfriend says, and might call you immature. I certainly wouldn't. I think the things he's said are way out of line and you have had others say that to you too.

 

You have to be honest with yourself here, this is who he is. Now he might be great and lovely the rest of the time, but can you truly live with this? If we assume it continues like this (him saying the occasional thing about his sex life that upsets you) can you really cope with it? I don't mean "yes, if I make my mind changes somehow" but if he stays as he is and you stay as you are, is this sustainable for you?

 

I think your guts are reacting understandably to something that on some level you know is out of kilter. Listen to your guts, I don't think they will let you down .