Was I wrong to ask this?

[rpare001]

A few weekends ago my girlfriend, who lives about 1 and a half hours away from me, made plans to spend the weekend together. We don't see each other all that often to begin with. She then canceled on me a few days before because she said she had way too much work to do, which was fine. But then she went out partying on Thursday night, skipped all her classes on Friday and went out partying again, slept all day Saturday and went out again, then went on a day hike all day on Sunday. Now I wasn't mad or anything, but I felt a little like I had been brushed off and wanted her to know how I felt. She then IM'd me later on Sunday evening, and we were talking, and I'm being 100% honest when I say I was not angry with her or anything, just slightly annoyed. She kept on going on about how much work she had to do and I asked her "I thought we couldn't spend this weekend together because you had so much work." She blew up at me and started telling me, very sarcastically, that she's sorry she can't revolve her life around me and she's sorry for wanting to have fun and go out with her friends and that I have to understand that plans change and all this other stuff. In the end I ended up apologizing to her profusely and things were a bit cold between us, I felt at least, for the next couple of days.

 

Was I wrong to ask that question, or feel like I had been brushed off?

[DN]

No you were not wrong - she was. Absolutely wrong. I can't see why you apologised.

 

If this behaviour is anywhere near usual for her I would find someone who understands what being in a relationship means.

[Beec]

You were wrong when you backed down. You wussed out. If you were going to birn git up, you needed to stick to it. Now, since you apologized, that chapter should be closed.

 

I would watch how much of her time you seek to take up, and I would tell you to let her miss you, miss you calling her and trying to see her, for a while.

[Scotcha]

I've never taken lightly to getting blown off. It's not about you having to understand that "plans change", it's about her respecting the plans she's made with you, or at least being honest about her reasons for cancelling. I don't think you were wrong at all here. I would tell her that you understand that she wants and needs to hang out with her friends and have fun but that in the future she needs to honor the plans she makes with you.

 

I make plans with my friends all the time.. But never when I have something previously planned with my fiance. He blew me off once in our entire relationship and he was warned right then and there that if it ever happened again for any reason short of an emergency that it would be the end of our relationship. Like I said, I don't take getting blown off lightly. I don't think you should be the one apologizing.

[agent1607307371]

Why are you not angry? She was completely disrespectful to you.

 

How do you feel about the relationship in general? Because you don't seem to have a lot of concern regarding her actions ("a little like I had been brushed off." "not angry,.. just annoyed") and she does not seem to mind lying to you.

 

Is this a typical pattern of the relationship?

[DN]

I just read your other thread about this woman. Let me amend my previous advice.

 

Walk away from her. Today.

[EvaGina]

bah

how would she react if you just changed plans on her?

[Aleadragonhawk]

Wow, crazy behavior on her part. You are no where near to in the wrong here - she's the one who's being very disrespectful and extremely irresponsible. She might have been projecting frustration with her actions onto you, but that still isn't fair.

[JimmerJammer]

I'll agree with what everyone else had said and I don't know your reasons for apologizing to her, but I can definitely tell that it was unnecessary by what you described. She has her way of turning something she's done against you and its up to you whether you allow it or not.

 

I would have told her straight up that fine so plans change and that if she wanted to do that instead she is better off telling you that's what she wants to do before hand. Then state that you won't put up with it next time and if she decides that going out and partying is more appealing over a weekend together after she says she can't because of too much work, then tell her she'll have all the time she wants to do that because you won't be around to put up with it. Refuse to man. No woman is worth it. Period.

 

Oh and btw, don't ever bring this up with her now because you've apologized and bringing it up will make you look even more like a baby. More because it shows that you aren't capable of standing up for yourself when the time comes, but will try to make up for it later. If she comes to think this will happen every time, who knows how far she'll push it or how angry she'll get in hopes that you just prove your wussiness and back out. Don't back down next time and be sure to be assertive about it and you'll be golden. Otherwise next the girl. (refer to above about them not being worth it lol)

[StarLily]

bah

how would she react if you just changed plans on her?

 

agreed.

rpare, maybe you should do that sometime.. It's not revenge or a game, it's just that.... you have plans sometimes too .

I don't think people respond to words. They respond to actions. No matter what people tell you "Oh you can tell me anything, honey." I don't think it's true. If something like this happens, sure you did a good thing because you told her it's bothering you. She didn't react too well to that. If I were you, I'd just pull back a little. If she wants to be with you, she will be like " * * * why are you doing this?" and then it's safe to be yourself. If she will be like "Whatever"... then she does not care. It's just something I've realized..

 

If she does it again, do not apologize..

[Batya33]

To me it's applicable to most relationships - not just dating - I cannot stand when people cancel plans for lame reasons like that and then backpedal if you choose to confront them about it. I would have been fine if she said she needed time with her friends this weekend - i.e. not lied to you - and opened it up for discussion. Even then, that needed to be more than just a few days in advance.

[Iceman26]

Man I read both of your posts about this girl and I'll one up what DN said. Don't walk away, run like hell.

 

This is someone that doesn't take accountability for her actions, nor does she care about your feelings. I have dated more than a few girls that acted like this and trust me when I tell you that you will be better off with someone else.

 

The bottom line is she would rather spend time with her friends and avoid hanging out with you, so you wouldn't you be better off with someone that would make you a priority?

[VeganBohemian]

Maybe my bf and I are just different...but if this happened to me, I would consider breaking up with him. I would feel as though he has either lost interest, too lazy to drive to see me, or doesn't care about my feelings. Maybe I am too sensitive, but I think that is REALLY cold to ditch you and then party all weekend. She at least should have asked you first or asked you to come up there and go out with her friends. That is NOT nice when you are in a relationship.

 

How long have you been going out??

[rpare001]

Thanks for the replies everyone, last night I listed in my journal all the reasons why I feel I should break up with her. And yes she doesn't take into account how her actions affect other people. For those of you who read my other post about this girl, back in December when she asked me to take her back, we talked for several hours about it and one of the things she kept talking about was how she had learned about how her actions affect others. More and more, however, its clear to me that she really hasn't learned anything. I also listed in my journal all the things she told me in December that she claimed to understand the importance of that she either doesn't care about or doesn't think about.

 

Also, I'm a pretty passive person, I'm not very confrontational, things like that stick with me and bother me for a long time (I still feel bad about arguments I've had with old roommates from years ago). I think thats why, although this happened several weeks ago, I'm still talking about it here, while it seems to me she is capable of blowing up and then almost forgetting about it soon after.

 

Anyways, I will break up with her, you all have kind of inspired me a bit, and I feel if I don't do it now it'll only build up and be even worse down the road when the time comes.

 

Although I have to get my rice cooker back that I lent her..... I'll be damned if I don't get that back....