boyfriend being selfish

[missmebaby]

my boyfriend and i have been together for 3 months now. i really like so many things about him, he pampers me and does anything for me, tells me how much he cares about me, treats me very good, and hes 24 which is 4 years older than me so hes more mature. well, most of the time....

 

for the past month or so hes just been very selfish in my opinion. right now im in nursing school 4 days a week and i work 2-3 days a week so im a very busy person. i dont get to see him a whole lot, maybe 2-3 times a week and i never have much money because i cant work very much and i have to spend about $60 a week on gas. so anytime that he wants to see me and i cant see him because i have no money or because i have something going on with school he gets angry and blames everything on me. for example, tonight i was supposed to come over and spend the night at his house but i have absolutely no money and i have a paper due tomorrow and an exam tomorrow. so i call him and tell him im very sorry and i explain the situation and he gets angry with me and goes into this lecture about how its all my fault and i must not want to see him.

 

so i keep apologizing and saying how i really want to see him and ill get to see him the whole weekend and im saying "i love you" and "cheer up babe" but he just says he doesnt want to talk to me right now and he hangs up. last weekend i got into a huge argument with my parents and they didnt give me the money they owed me so i didnt have any money to drive to his house. i called him and explained the situation and i was about in tears i was so upset, but instead of being there for me and cheering me up he says its all my fault and hes getting sick of me doing this kind of stuff, and he says i have problems. he hurt me so bad that he made me cry and i said "fine, ill come over but you have to give me gas money." and only then when he got his way did he apologize and stop yelling at me.

 

am i the one in the wrong here or is he really being selfish? thats one of the only things i dont like about his personality, i feel like he can be very selfish and disrespectful. but other times i wonder if there is something i can do better or do differently or if im the one thats wrong and i really dont make enough time for him?

[Lovestragedies]

I don't believe this is your fault at all. I don't blame you for being so busy. There's a lot of things going on in your life right now, and instead of being selfish, he should be there for you. Now quite frankly, I don't think a relationship can last if both people cannot learn to put the other before themselves. Evidently he has a problem with this, but I don't expect you to outright break up with him. Next time you have the chance to see him, sit him down and talk this out. Let him know that you're going through a lot, and you'd really appreciate it if he'd understand. Afterwards, if he still continues to think only of himself, my suggestion would be to break it off.

 

Best wishes,

Elena

[Batya33]

Sounds like you have a standard in mind which includes a man pampering you. If you expect the man in your life to pamper you, that's going to create problems when he stops pampering you (after the initial courtship) and starts expecting you to step up to the plate.

[agent1607307371]

Batya, I don't think it's about stepping up to the plate. Sometimes life is just very stressful and there's nothing you can do about it except get through it.

 

Humm, first off, is there anyway he can go see you? Would that help to take some of the stress off?

 

That said, next time he rants, tell him calmly that you'll talk when he behaves like an adult and hang up. Don't let him upset you, don't get upset when you talk to him.

Work out a schedule to see him, don't over-estimate though. Leave plenty of time to work through your commitments and then schedule him in. It sounds callous, but it doesn't sound to me like you're having an easy time getting everything settled. Will the situation end any time soon or is it pretty much for the foreseeable future?

 

I think it's possible that he just doesn't like feeling that he's not your no1 priority and throws a hissy-fit when it happens. Make sure that when you do see him that it's quality time, that's more important than quantity.

[Daligal83]

I have to disagree...maybe I am biased because he sounds like my ex...but if she has an exam and a paper due the next day and has financial problems, I think he should be understanding and wait until the weekend. My ex used to get mad if I had to do something and he wanted my attention, and would say that I put other things before him. When you're in a relationship, you have to be understanding and respect of the other aspects of that person's life and he doesn't seem to be doing that. Not that she should expect him to do everything for her, but if she has those things due there's no reason for him to be upset.

[Batya33]

I disagree with the "quality time" notion. You can't just create quality time - closeness is built just as much with spending consistent time together so that there is a comfortable environment to promote and enhance closeness and bonding. Trying to fit in all that closeness in a two hour meal or walk in the park is unfair to both people.

 

Life does get stressful - my point still is, the number one reason she said she likes him is because he pampers her. Red flag to me- I would never describe my reason for being with my boyfriend - top, bottom or otherwise as because he pampers me. Sounds like she has an unrealistic/one-sided view of what a relationship is.

[agent1607307371]

She didn't say it was the number one reason, she said it was one of many things.

 

Closeness doesn't have to be created with her always driving out to see him though, if it's so important then he can make a trip too.

I once dated a man who had just started up his own business. Sometimes we'd go for weeks only seeing each other one a week. We created closeness- we talked on the phone, we im'd and emailed, and when we did see each other, we made sure we were the focus.

 

That said, if someone I'd been seeing for 3 months started throwing hissy-fits because of my obligations and financial situation, he'd be gone.

[Batya33]

I interpret her post differently than you. I am glad your approach to closeness worked - so, how long did you and that man date?

 

As far as just starting up his own business - well, the only type of men I have dated over the last dozen years or more have been extremely busy men (and I always was too) - somehow we made time to see each other at least once a week. That to me reflects a true desire for closeness. In your case, my hunch is that either he wasn't truly available for a relationship because he chose to focus instead on his business or he used his work as an excuse not to spend consistent in person time with you. Obviously everyone goes through busy periods - it's all relative - but having dated only busy men - when they want to make time to see you - they do. Just my experience of course.

[missmebaby]

no no i definitely never expect a man to pamper me. that came out wrong and i can see why its being misunderstood. see, my last boyfriend i was with for a year hardly spent any money on me, never pampered me or anything. i was totally fine with that, i never expected anything and i was very happy with him. its not the material things or being treated like a princess that i value in a relationship. i guess what i meant was that compared to my last boyfriend he does a whole lot more for me so it sticks in my mind because its hard to believe all the things he does for me. i never expect him to do anything and i never ask for anything. i guess i really just meant that i am very appreciative of him and the things he does for me. like ive said, ive had other boyfriends that didnt pamper me at all and i was perfectly happy with them.

 

i do make time for him. i cant even say how many times ive put off studying or something so i could see him. i see him every friday and saturday and at least once during the week, sometimes twice. ive told him before that i am very busy with nursing school and trying to work and he said he understood and would give me all the space i need but now he isnt doing that at all. it should all calm down in about 2 months when im out of school, but i dont want this to be a sign of how hes going to be everytime something doesnt go his way.

[itsallgrand]

Hmm. Sounds like the two of you may have your communication wires crossed here.

 

I think a good talk out would be good.

 

Maybe he is becoming frustrated because he is not happy with the amount of time the two of you are spending together. Maybe he wants/needs more.

That wouldn't necessarily be selfish - but it would require some honing out of schedules to see if that can happen, and for both of you to be happy.

 

On your front, it does kinda sound like you break a lot of planned dates?

 

Hey, if you are a busy person, then you are a busy person and it is not wrong of you to put your priorities where they belong for you.

 

The thing is though, it is much easier to work with knowing when a person is busy and hearing a definite No or Yes ; then to deal with tentative or commited plans that are broken time and time again.

 

This relationship is still fresh and new. This would be a great opportunity to talk more about what each of you is looking for in a partner, what you are able to give realistically, and what your expectations are.

 

Good luck! Try talking with him and really listening, too. He may be feeling quite similiarly to you right now. Maybe it can be cleared up with a good information and 'how we're feeling' exchange. Worth it to try, right.

[agent1607307371]

We dated for over a year. (The longest I've been with someone.)

 

 

And frankly, if he'd put me above a newly formed business he was trying to establish, I'd have wondered what was wrong with him.

[Batya33]

We dated for over a year. (The longest I've been with someone.)

 

 

And frankly, if he'd put me above a newly formed business he was trying to establish, I'd have wondered what was wrong with him.

 

Me too- we just have different definitions of "put above."

[TheFoglifter]

I am having trouble reconciling the title of your post "boyfriend being selfish" with the first sentence of your post which says "i really like so many things about him, he pampers me and does anything for me, tells me how much he cares about me, treats me very good"

 

How often have you broken a promise to see him, even if it was for [what you thought was] a legitimate reason? This is very important because there comes that point where excuses don't matter anymore, only results do. If my gf kept promising to come see me, and something just kept coming up, eventually I would get a very pessimistic attitude because it doesn't matter whether the excuse is real or not, all I hear is "she's not coming over again".

 

I agree that he is probably frustrated that you can't spend as much time together as you wanted to, and after a while, it doesn't matter why, it just matters that its happening. It sounds like you are the one who needs to put more effort into this relationship.

[answersguy]

I didn't read what everyone else posted so this may be redundant but... If he has a problem, maybe he should pick up some of the slack himself. and for you, if you say you're gonna do something, give your best effort to stand by it. Try to only make plans when you are certain you can follow through and that way you'll seem more reliable. You can still go over as much as you like but some of your visits just won't be scheduled. That way when you say something he'll know he can count on it... Being able to depend on eachother is crucial to in long term relationships.

[ghost69]

why do you have to go over there? he can't come to see you? anyways, i think it is great you focus on your education/career goals. relationships come and go. your education will take you places.