Girls going for jerks rather than the guys who like them !

[onlineguy]

I have noticed that a lot of guys for fear of rejection do not aproach girls. There is nothing wrong with these guys and these guys would treat the girls well.

 

But it is the guys who just see girls as sex objects who will go out and hit on loads of different women a night that aproach the girls. Because the girls are waiting for a guy to aproach them, then they will go with these guys. Then this guy will just use her or cheat on her, because he always looking for another lay.

 

My point is that because the girl will only go for the guy who aproaches her as opposed to the guy who perhaps really likes her, but does not aproach her because he is not recieving any signs from her that she is interested (because she does not aproach ) then she will be seeing a jerk who mistreats her and cheats on her. !!!! This happens loads and does not make sense !

 

Surly you would think that if a girl sees a guy hitting on loads of other girls it would put her off, but the opposite seems to apply !!

[Batya33]

It depends on the environment - maybe it is true at bars or clubs. If a man is too timid or afraid to approach me (and I am warm, friendly and approachable if I am interested) for fear of rejection then we probably would not be a good match - I need someone in my life who is reasonably confident and assertive and not afraid to go for what he wants - not just in dating, either. I am the same way.

 

I will approach a man but in my experience it is not just the jerky guys who appproach women - I have been approached by many shy men who decided it was worth the risk (I have had to make that whole risk-benefit analysis myself many times in dating and in other areas of my life that require approaching people). In general I have been treated with respect and like a lady in my 20 plus years of dating and in general it has been the man who approached me.

[Dako]

This is often discussed in the tiring "Niceguy vs Jerk" threads, but in this case you may be missing a finer point.

 

People only form friendships ofrrelationships if they make contact and form a bond. If the woman buys into the idea that women should look pretty and wait to be asked, and the guy is too shy to ask, there's no resulting relationship to even discuss. Nothing happens.

 

If one of those people has the nerve to say, "Hi, howya doing" or somesuch thing, a relationship might take place, with all the happy drama and tensions we see in a relationship.

[Meow18]

Some girls go after the "player" types. And those girls are usually only wanting attention, so of course they will enjoy the guys who give them the attention they are seeking.

 

I know what you mean about guys who are players getting loads of girls, and the nice guys hardly ever get girls because they fear rejection. But in my opinion, who's fault is that?

 

If you are interested in a girl, you have to be willing to take a risk if it means being with the girl you like. And it's not just guys.. it's ok for girls to approach guys!

 

If a guy approached me and seemed interested, chances are I would be looking more into what this guy is looking for rather than the guy who is standing by the wall ignoring me. I would do this, just as I would expect that the guy I liked being more interested in girls who are approaching him rather than me if I'm pretending like I don't even notice him.

[onlineguy]

(and I am warm, friendly and approachable if I am interested) .

 

 

If I am interested. Ie, if I find him atractive ? is that right?

[RogerRamjet]

In my opinion

 

The cases you speak of could be likened to the following:

 

Girls can go a lot longer without sex than boys. thereforeeee some women can afford to wait around for the top of the crop. Top of the crop will just wander from woman to woman and then the girls complain about guys using them for sex, and liken all men to the players, making things hard for regular decent guys who get crowded out.

 

However, this is obviously not all men and women, just the ones that seem to have the recurring problem of being treated like * * * * by jerks.

 

Perhaps people sometimes have unattainably high standards ?

[mintblossom]

I don't think nice guys are so nice either. It seems the "nice" guys are looking for a woman to validate them. I don't feel like validating anyone. I think people should stand on their own two feet.

 

So you either get the "jerks" who use, maim, and hurt. Or you get the "nice" ones who you have to validate and prop up their flailing selfesteem.

 

not fun.

[Batya33]

If I am interested. Ie, if I find him atractive ? is that right?

 

Yes- but to me attractive has little to do with physical features.

[RogerRamjet]

I don't think nice guys are so nice either. It seems the "nice" guys are looking for a woman to validate them. I don't feel like validating anyone. I think people should stand on their own two feet.

 

So you either get the "jerks" who use, maim, and hurt. Or you get the "nice" ones who you have to validate and prop up their flailing selfesteem.

 

not fun.

 

Sexual gratification is one of our greatest and most simplistic needs. So yes, you could say we are all looking for someone to validate us. And what would be so wrong with that ?

 

Doesn't everyone want to be with someone who makes them feel good ?

 

I'm discontented with the dating scene recently, it seems I am expected to create all the energy, put in all the effort, then the woman gets to talk about herself for an hour while I pay for her food.

 

Then she goes for the smart mouthed kid with dreamy eyes, wonders why he doesn't call and her new friend i.e me, gets to hear all about how horrible men treat her.

[ghost69]

you must be a combination of the two. you can't bee too nice and you can't be a jerk. i usually do what i want with some compromise in a relationship. most of the time the woman wants to hang out with me. going to dinner and listening to her crap is so overrated. it's so cliche. go out dancing or something else. guys that are too nice lose out because they are so passive. "what do you want to do?" "only if you want to." pfft, women hate that. you need to show some spine and be firm in what you want to do. you can treat the woman right at the same time. it's balanced.

 

.........................................................................................................................................................................................

[Dako]

...going to dinner and listening to her crap is so overrated..

..

 

LOL!

 

It's so tedious to listen to some woman blather on over dinner. Who wants to hear some chick's thoughts on the world? Better to talk to guys.

 

Leave the girly talk to the wusses.

 

Like me.

 

[ghost69]

it's not that it's tedious. it's just the norm. everybody does that as a first date kind of thing. i guess in this situation i don't date anymore. i only go to dinner with friends and an occasional ex gf. but i don't do the fake getting to know you normal talks. you should go get some coffee or something outside that you can sit and make fun of other people or something. or you can do the dinner thing. "what is your favorite color?" "oh blue, how interesting." lol then she will go into her friends and talk about her work and the people she hates, blah blah. then you are dominated. check please

 

.........................................................................................................................................................................................

[Batya33]

Sorry you've had such awful dinner dates. I've had those too - but they are not the norm for me.

[Dako]

Same here. I tend to enjoy conversation.

My favorite color is purple, and I'm a Libra.

 

JK

[ghost69]

lol. i like short walks and a nice piece of fruit. lol that type of conversation is boring. i think you have to do physical/fun things to get to know someone. it also creates a history. what can you say about a dinner date? nothing, except I learned some great facts. no commonalities unless you answered a question the same. you need to share an experience, not a salad.

 

.........................................................................................................................................................................................

[Dako]

I must be hanging out with the wrong woman. While we shared coffee, she brought up variable camshaft timing in Ferarri engines.

Keeps my interest.

[ghost69]

i'm not bashing coffee dako. i'm all for coffee. i'm just saying the whole 'dinner and a movie'. i hear people say this all the time. i think it's disgusting. lol

 

.........................................................................................................................................................................................

[Batya33]

lol. i like short walks and a nice piece of fruit. lol that type of conversation is boring. i think you have to do physical/fun things to get to know someone. it also creates a history. what can you say about a dinner date? nothing, except I learned some great facts. no commonalities unless you answered a question the same. you need to share an experience, not a salad.

 

.........................................................................................................................................................................................

 

To me clicking with someone - feeling a spark - sharing things - is an experience. Doing a physical activity outdoors sure is fun but if you don't click with the person it can feel like work and while you can discuss the activity the person will be forgettable at best.

[Leonhart]

Yeah, gauging to see whether or not you're compatible is a waste of time. Better to just go out and sky dive. I guarantee neither of you will ever forget that experience... should you survive!

[Batya33]

If your goal is to have an exciting activity together skydiving works just like any other similar activity. My idea of exicting is to have a conversation with someone I click with and who I feel might have the potential for a long term relationship. It also is more relevant to what it will be like to be in a daily relationship with the person - without constant external stimulation.

[Leonhart]

Batya, you could not pay me enough to hurl myself out of a plane, even for the most beautiful woman in this entire world! lol

[addictedblue]

ok back to "girls going for jerks rather than the guys who like them". in my opinion, if you're a guy and you truly like a girl, and you ask her out, she most likely isn't going to turn you down for a player, it'll just be because she doesn't feel the same way to you as you do to her. but if you don't ask, then she won't know, and meanwhile you like her but the player is showing interest, so she'll go with the player. simple really.

[CharmedphoenixRising]

But it can also be the same thing as why do the 'nice' guys go out with b*****s & leave the 'nice' girls alone (but use their shoulders to cry on about how horrid the B**** is)

 

I think most are attracted by some element of excitement/ adventure/ confidence. And it just results a little differently. (makes sense? too early in the morning ;-) )

[Batya33]

ok back to "girls going for jerks rather than the guys who like them". in my opinion, if you're a guy and you truly like a girl, and you ask her out, she most likely isn't going to turn you down for a player, it'll just be because she doesn't feel the same way to you as you do to her. but if you don't ask, then she won't know, and meanwhile you like her but the player is showing interest, so she'll go with the player. simple really.

 

Actually I would choose none of the above - why would I go out with someone I thought was a player? Just to have a date? No thanks.

[ghost69]

yeah, where did 'player' come into this? a jerk is a jerk. attractive or not. there are good looking guys out there that aren't jerks. i'm a mommas boy and i'm attractive. so there you go.

 

.........................................................................................................................................................................................