What is an engagement

[Devchonka]

It never occurred to me until I came on this forum that some people become engaged without an actual proposal/ring, or concider it normal, and some just call each other boyfriend and girlfriend for the rest of their lifes because they don't commit through marriage but just through love.

 

Well, what didn't occur to me is that it's not a weird thing to do, and that it is done quite more frequently than I thought. I'm mostly interested in proposing without a ring.

 

I've been kind of in a funny place lately, and I guess I'm looking for some understanding or reassurance that I'm not an anomaly.

 

My 'boyfriend' and I have been...well, you could say we have become engaged sometime ago. We've talked about it, seriously and in a less serious manner (more to: now you'll make me sandwhiches forever ), our families -as well- have really come to point where they can't ignore the fact that something is very special between us, and we've really crossed the line where it feels right to still call each other boyfriend and girlfriend -our lifestyle alone constitutes more wife and husband than anything (though it's funny since we technically don't live with each other).

 

We are so much more than that, there's just so much more than what people (or at least people I know) understand for a boyfriend and a girlfriend to be. Whenever I present him as my boyfriend I amost feel like I need to add: but we're much more serious than that. Him too: on a few occasions (including an out of state family dinner...that would have been something lol) he caught himself wanting to present me as his fiance not a girlfriend.

 

At the same time: presenting him as my fiance also feels awkward because he has the intention to propose, so I can't call him that now and then go: HE PROPOSED.

 

I guess I just wanted to write this out somewhere and see if anyone has any feelings towards it, any understanding, advice, any opinions on what constitutes an engagement to you, etc.

 

-Devchonka-

[Batya33]

To me an official engagement requires the woman having an engagement ring (it can be a plain gold or silver band - no diamonds needed!) and the couple having a wedding date.

[Meow18]

I would agree with Batya, but of course, not all engaged couples have rings.. my parents didn't and I don't want an egagement ring.

 

But anyways, I agree with having a wedding date, and also planning a wedding for real. Like actually looking at dresses and calling places and looking at places for a reception. Like really planning a wedding, not just talking about it.

 

My boyfriend and I talk about marriage quite a bit too, but there's a big difference between being engaged and just talking about marriage. Of course, usually when you talk about marriage, it means the relationship is getting serious..

[Batya33]

I agree that a ring isn't essential if the couple decide they don't want one.

[annie24]

it can be scemantics. if a woman has an engagement ring on her finger, but there is no wedding date set nor plans to get married and aren't even discussing when to get married, then that doesn't sound like much of an engagement to me.

 

I agree with batya and meow. An engagement is a promise to marry, and if I were engaged, I would expect to be making plans for the wedding (ie, chuch, caterer, flowers, dress, etc.....) and also the marriage (joint bank accounts, etc.....)

 

It doesn't sound to me that most engagments come out of the blue. it seems to be a series of conversations that come out naturally after several months or years about how they feel about marriage, how they would raise kids, etc.... I know several couples that are discussing religion and children before they are getting officially engaged. And it seems to me that most men wouldn't go out and buy the big ring unless they were pretty confident she would say yes. (i'm sure they're still nervous though )

[J6hn]

Some cultures or religions have almost a "grace-period" between becoming engaged and getting married. This can actually be a few years or so.

 

My girlfriends sister has been engaged for about 3 months, they're getting married around the end of this year.

 

My belief is an engagement is just one step ahead in a relationship. The word engaged basically means "to pledge one's word; assume an obligation" so basically it's pledging your commitment to eachother.

 

There are stages of a relationship:

The unofficial beginning stage, becoming an official couple (boyfriend-girlfriend or bf-bf or gf-gf), being a COMMITTED exclusive couple (Engaged) and being a married couple.

 

You can actually become engaged and just never get married...

[Alezia]

What you have by my definition is a serious bf-gf relationship, unless you have a wedding date. It's a commitment step after being exclusive and before being engaged. Usually lasts a while... Some people even decide to move in together at this stage.

I forgot to mention that many relationships do not leave this stage...

 

You go on trips together, spend your weekends together, do the groceries together, your SO's family considers you part of the 'family', you have conversations about marriage, you plan ahead etc..

 

I think there are some books that do talk about diffrent stages of relationships... and usually there is 5 I think? Maybe you want to look into that

If you are happy with your situation and do not want a ring/wedding, then by all means you don't have to force yourself upon the other steps so that the relationship is meaningful to you. I would just be weary of considering yourself 'engaged' without having the go-ahead of your partner and some idea of a wedding date. (I have friends who decided to get engaged 3 years ago, and keep pushing back their wedding and plans always fall through like it's a complete lie, so please don't put a title on your relationship unless you really mean it...)

[Devchonka]

Lol you know what though:

 

Married once we graduate college

Joint account but with fun account to put money off for fun things

A condo in the city or close to it

We're keeping his dog

We want a boy but not for atleast five years past us being married, circumcised...he's going to be put into martial arts also

 

Also...if it works with graduation date... we might go to Germany onto an army base once we graduate, he'll do his deployment (sign on from reserves to active) and I'll work teaching art (my major)...we're both taking german right now in college just in case, it's his dream to live in germany which is great, we both visited and love it.

 

Wedding will be small (by which we mean not really beause our families are medium sized and our friends are many and loved).

[Alezia]

I found some opinions from other people on which you might want to check out just for fun. It cites the diffrent milestones in a relationship. I don't really agree with the bullet points, but the overall big categories seem good to me.

 

link removed

link removed

link removed

 

This one is meant as humor: link removed

[Batya33]

Lol you know what though:

 

Married once we graduate college

Joint account but with fun account to put money off for fun things

A condo in the city or close to it

We're keeping his dog

We want a boy but not for atleast five years past us being married, circumcised...he's going to be put into martial arts also

 

Also...if it works with graduation date... we might go to Germany onto an army base once we graduate, he'll do his deployment (sign on from reserves to active) and I'll work teaching art (my major)...we're both taking german right now in college just in case, it's his dream to live in germany which is great, we both visited and love it.

 

Wedding will be small (by which we mean not really beause our families are medium sized and our friends are many and loved).

 

I don't think it matters how you label it - you can have your own definition. My parents were engaged for four years so that both of them could finish college/grad school.

 

I think it is strange to plan the sex of your child. It's fine to decide that you both want children - very good thing to know - but don't you think it's tempting fate a bit to presume that you can have a child, presume that you can have a child at a specific time (ie and not later than 5 years) and that you will have a boy? Or, are you planning on adopting a boy? I know and know of many woman who could not conceive/carry a child or who had only girls, etc.

 

To me, until you have a wedding date, you're not officially engaged, just planning to get married in a few years.

 

Good luck!

[Meow18]

Like Batya said, you aren't quite engaged.. just in a serious relationship and planning to get married in a few years.

 

In my opinion, it sounds like you both really are serious. You have both talked a lot about your wants and it's good that you have the same goals.

 

It shouldn't matter how you introduce each other. Just be happy that you found someone who obviously wants to marry you one day! No reason to rush anything.. no reason to worry about what you should label your relationship.

[annie24]

i like the thought of introducing someone as "my sweetie" as it implies a romantic relationship but doesn't define what "stage" your relationship is at.

[Alezia]

I think it is strange to plan the sex of your child. It's fine to decide that you both want children - very good thing to know - but don't you think it's tempting fate a bit to presume that you can have a child

 

I was thinking the exact same thing, but it's good to be able to dream out loud with your partner, if that is mostly what you were trying to describe.

I used to plan more my future when I was younger, until I realized it never turns out how you want it to be.

 

My relationship is a completely upside down anyways... my 25 year old boyfriend does want kids in the future (in a general sense). Which seems like a reasonable thought... I had seen a psychic last summer and when I told my mom that the pyschic said I would stay with him.. (we had an on-off relationship for more than a year), she freaked out and told me I couldn't have kids with him because his bone structure was too small..

I surely didn't plan that one out!

This one aint going anywhere near engagment anytime soon though

[Alezia]

i like the thought of introducing someone as "my sweetie" as it implies a romantic relationship but doesn't define what "stage" your relationship is at.

 

I think that a neutral-stage name works best. I've also noticed that the couples that do not introduce the other one under a label but simply by their name are usually the ones who have the strongest relationships. I often find the ones who are bragging/trying to prove often have deeper commitment problems. ex: People on facebook saying.. "you are mine for the whole weekend, no one else gets to see you. I'm going to massage you and buy you this and that.. I love you so much"

But that's just my opinion

[Devchonka]

she freaked out and told me I couldn't have kids with him because his bone structure was too small..

I surely didn't plan that one out!

 

lol that's weird, I liked your above post That sounds right

[Batya33]

I think that a neutral-stage name works best. I've also noticed that the couples that do not introduce the other one under a label but simply by their name are usually the ones who have the strongest relationships. I often find the ones who are bragging/trying to prove often have deeper commitment problems. ex: People on facebook saying.. "you are mine for the whole weekend, no one else gets to see you. I'm going to massage you and buy you this and that.. I love you so much"

But that's just my opinion

 

I completely agree. Reminds me of a friend who sent me an e-mail with a blow-up photo of her brand new engagement ring. I had not asked her anything about the ring. I was suspicious about whether she was in love with him or the idea of being engaged. She got engaged after three months of dating and constantly bragged about how quickly they "knew" and how perfect he was. They broke up four months later because she was no longer in denial about some major dealbreakers.

[Meow18]

I think that a neutral-stage name works best. I've also noticed that the couples that do not introduce the other one under a label but simply by their name are usually the ones who have the strongest relationships. I often find the ones who are bragging/trying to prove often have deeper commitment problems. ex: People on facebook saying.. "you are mine for the whole weekend, no one else gets to see you. I'm going to massage you and buy you this and that.. I love you so much"

But that's just my opinion

 

 

I think you are right. Couples don't need to prove themselves to anyone. And the times that I've noticed that they really go out of their way to try to make their relationship seem so perfect is when they are having the most issues.

 

Like you said, I think it's weird when couple's on myspace or facebook have to comment each other every hour stating their love for each other. I mean, it's great that they have that, but I've always thought that stuff was better for private moments between them.. The occasional "I've been thinking about you" or whatever is fine, but when there are like 3 comments a day it really seems like they are putting on a front and want others to notice how "perfect" their love is.

[EvaGina]

whatever you want it to mean

 

If you want to get married, and you know you will sometime int he future, then just be engaged.

 

This is your life, to do what you want with, dont get held up on what it may look like from the outside.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Perhaps a slight bit off topic, but a question to those posting in this thread - how long do you feel a normal engagement should last? At what point does it become not an engagement, just a committed relationship with plans to marry?

[Batya33]

I think if there is a specific wedding date it can be as long as you like. Also, if one or both of you is still finishing school that doesn't make the engagement "too long."

 

For me, I wouldn't be engaged more than 6 months at this point - and I have felt that way for about the last 17 years (I am 40). My focus on being engaged is being married rather than a focus on a piece of jewelry, centerpieces, florists and photographers. I love entertaining but for me, I find most of wedding planning that takes more than a few months too expensive, anal, and at times an excuse to focus more on the party than the marriage.

 

I also don't believe engagements are the time to "get to know each other."

 

Most people are engaged for about a year but who knows what is "normal?" It's normal if the couple is satisfied with the length of time.

[Devchonka]

I think you are right. Couples don't need to prove themselves to anyone. And the times that I've noticed that they really go out of their way to try to make their relationship seem so perfect is when they are having the most issues.

 

Like you said, I think it's weird when couple's on myspace or facebook have to comment each other every hour stating their love for each other. I mean, it's great that they have that, but I've always thought that stuff was better for private moments between them.. The occasional "I've been thinking about you" or whatever is fine, but when there are like 3 comments a day it really seems like they are putting on a front and want others to notice how "perfect" their love is.

 

Haha I know what you mean, apart from being completely annoyed by the bragging, I always wonder why they're are saying thigns like this online anyway...go tell them face to face or on the phone or not at all, waita be impersonal about a personal message.

[anydaynow]

I think engagement is a promise to marry with definite plans for a wedding. Ring or no ring.

 

My boyfriend and I talked about getting married and future plans, where to live, and children for years. I did not consider myself engaged until he recently formally proposed.

 

For someone my age (mid-to-late twenties), I think a 1 year engagement is normal, 6 months is short, and anything over a year is long.

 

For someone who is still in school, I think an engagement of a couple years is normal.

[EvaGina]

I dont see the point in getting engaged if you arent emotionally ready to get married right away

financially ready, however, is a whole different kettle of fish