Unrealistic expectations

[agent1607307371]

When you lived with your parents you were a child. Now you're living with your wife you are an adult and as such, have to suck it up.

 

When you want to play grown up you can't just do it half-way. Don't forget that now she is paying for you to stay at home all day her bills are now for two people, can she really afford the cost in the long run? She is probably looking to the future and freaking out that you're going to become a chronic couch potato.

 

The longer you don't have a job, the harder it gets to get one. You get used to staying home, the gap looks bigger on your cv and puts employers off. You have to get a job that is appropriate for your skill level, and if that means manual labour for a while, it is what it is.

[ghost69]

good point agent. you need to take some initiative upon yourself and not worry what we think. you just need to do it and quit asking.

 

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[Siriana]

Taking a job that makes me miserable was never part of the agreement. We talked about this before we got married and she was OK with it "for now". You people are all trying to tell me I'm wrong when it was discussed before hand. She's the one who changed her mind, not me. I was living with my parents for free before while I looked and I left that because she told me it would be OK. How am I wrong?

 

 

 

 

Well have you considered my first responce?

 

If you're thinking it's completely o.k. to have your reasoning about this as in qouted paragraph than you're not ready for a kid and marriage. SHE'S NOT YOUR PARENTS SHE'S YOUR PARTNER. Word partner means you're equal.

Reality is knocking on your door. Be carefull how you're going to respond. It would be wise not to slam the door into her face.

[SarahRose]

Not sure how old op is but you sound very young.

 

Honestly you shouldn't have been laying around freeloading off your parents either. Your parents should be slapped for instilling no work ethic in you.

 

If you are of working age, 16 or above or whatever the labour laws are where you are, you should at least have a part time job.

 

That is part of growing up.

 

Right now, even though you are married, you are still behaving like a child.

 

I really don't understand your sense of entitlement here either? You are an adult. Why is it someone else's responsibility to take care of you? Why was it your parent's responsibility to continue to take care of your even though you are over 18?

 

You have no education or job skills that means you take what you can get until you improves skills or education. It may not seem important to you, but it really does build character to provide for yourself even if it is a basic low paying job.

 

It's time to grow up now.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

you have to focus on a deeper problem, how does one get a 'better' job with no training or experience in the field you are looking in? First you have to be qualified for that job. You could spend the next 20 years looking and never get a good job if you don't have the education, experience, or credentials for it.

 

And the longer your period of unemployment, the less likely people will be willing to consider you for any job, wondering why you can't get or hold a job... they will have the same hard questions that people on this board have (e.g., why has this guy gone so long without working, is he too lazy to work? why is he unrealistic in his expectations for what type of job he is really qualified for, and applying for a job that is way over his qualifications and experience? why has he done nothing for so long without getting training or doing anything to qualify for a job?) So employers will look at you with the same type of critical eye, in fact a MORE critical eye than anyone else because they want a good, realistic, hard worker and are only willing to pay people who have the background they need to perform the job being applied for.

 

the world is full of people who think they deserve a better job, but those that get those jobs do what it takes to get them... get an education, start with lower level grunt job and work their way up.

 

so your wife may have a very valid fear that you will just keep endlessly applying for jobs that you are not qualified for and will never get hired for. please talk to her about this. maybe she is really afraid you are being so unrealistic in your expectations, that there is no point waiting of waiting for you to get a 'good' job, becuase you are not qualified and will never get hired for the ones you are applying for.

 

so it is not just about getting a job, it is about being realistic enough to understand that applying for jobs where you are not qualified is non-productive and a waste of time, and that you as an adult should realize you can't just leapfrog over all the lower level jobs that EVERYONE takes to get started in their careers.

 

Most people who want better jobs start out with part time work and full time school, or full time school and part time work. then they take a lower level job in their new field when they finish their school. then they promoted to better jobs if they work and get the experience to get them into those better positions.

 

so my suggestion is that you sit down with your wife and work out a realistic plan for how to get the job you ultimately want. that at a minimum will involve some kind of lower level job right now AND enrollment in some kind of job training program, either high education degree or certification that qualifies you for the particular job you are interested in, or a step on the ladder on the way to that better job. there are financial aid programs that will pay the tuition for these programs until you can work full time to pay the loan off.

 

I think your wife will calm down and be fine if she sees you are *realistically* working towards getting the training you need to get the job you want, and are willing to work another lower level job that helps support you while you are training for the better job. Right now all she sees is a guy sitting at home telling her he is too good for the jobs he is qualified for, and endlessly applying for jobs he will never get.

 

There is tons of online training now that can be had in 4-6 months, and entire college degrees can be taken online. lots of companies are very supportive of people in school, in fact have some tuition assistance programs to help their employees better themselves in school parttime. so you could work parttime at a grunt job until you get your certificate in something that will make you readily employable, then when you have a full time job, continue your schooling part time online.

[andyg]

She feels the same way that I do in relation to accepting a crappy job. She's making 35k a year and expects me to do likewise. She told me that taking a job at McDonalds would be counter-productive. She's really frustrated and I don't know what to do, I've been applying all over the place but the best I'm getting is offers for 9 or 10 dollars an hour. No salary, no benefits, and crazy hours. She wants me home in the evenings and most job offers I've gotten expect me to work some evenings and weekends. She told me to go find a regular 9-5 job that pays desent or she will continue to be "supremely frustrated". Any ideas what sort of places offer jobs like that to non college grads?

[GQstatus]

Sounds to me like you're making excuses for yourself as to why you don't have a job. If she's that upset about you not working, if you work a job that pays 9-10 bucks an hour, even having to work odd hours, I'm SURE she'd be happy with that.

 

Look up some temp-agencies online in your area. I worked for a couple, and they can find a job for you that suits your hourly needs. I worked one for a good year that was 6am to 2 pm $11 an hour. It was boring warehouse work, but it still paid decent.

[TheFoglifter]

"Oh my.... I feel bad for you FogLifter. Mind if I ask your reason for thinking this way."

 

I think this way, because in my experience, women at heart are selfish and unreasonable. Case in point, this OP's wife needs a bite of a reality sandwhich because she is being selfish and unreasonable, setting constraints that are mutually exclusive.

 

A lot of advice here has been that the OP first set his sights on getting employment, that way he is helping out. Once employed, he can then set his sights on getting a better job, and thus moving up the ranks. Sounds like a great plan -- reasonable, and attainable given the situation.

 

Well notice how wifey complains that he isn't helping out, but then sets all these terms that do not work together. "I want you home in the evenings". "That salary is too low". "I don't want you doing that kind of work".

 

Then the killer, and this is where she needs to understand that she is the cause of this problem. She says "...go find a regular 9-5 job that pays desent or she will continue to be "supremely frustrated".

 

Does that sound like the tone of a supportive wife? No, it sounds like the typical spoiled selfish * * * * * who wants to snap her fingers and wants the laws of physics to bend to her will. She can't be complaining that he isn't pulling his weight, but then crap on every way he tries to get money.

 

I hate these women (and there seem to be more and more of them these days) who want everything in life to be so so, exactly matching their criteria (criteria they only share with you AFTER you don't meet it, not before when it might actually matter). You can't sit there and throw stringent criteria one after the other, then be annoyed when nothing measures up. These are the same pooches who approach dating with a list of 50+ "he must be" statements, and then cry when they can't get a relationship.

 

This woman is used to getting her way, and andyg needs to put a stop to it immediately, or he will end up as one of these whipped guys who bends over backwards 24/7 at the slightest hint of displeasure.

 

They also BOTH need to work as a TEAM. They may be frustrated with each other now, but at one point they loved each other. They need to sit down together and has out their wants, their expectations, and most importantly, WHAT THEY CAN EACH DO to make them happen.

 

If this discussion is one sided, or is full of demands from her, it will be malproductive. Also, if she keeps asking you questions, and all you can say is "I dunno" or "what for", then nothing will get accomplished either.

[splashdown]

Well, now the story is different. Is she a college grad? And you're not, I assume? Surely she can understand that they don't hand out well-paying jobs when you have no college and no experience.

 

She does seem like she has unrealistic expectations, if all of these crazy conditions are true. How old is this woman?

 

Also, I second the idea of a temp agency. If you know or can learn the Office suite and can type there are plenty of decent-paying office jobs out there.

[andyg]

OK, I tried calling a temp agency and almost all of the jobs are computer related and require a degree or computer certification. There were also some secretary type jobs but it's my beliefe that if you have a penis you shouldn't do that. Then there were some manual labor spots which I'm not doing... What now?

[RayKay]

OK, I tried calling a temp agency and almost all of the jobs are computer related and require a degree or computer certification. There were also some secretary type jobs but it's my beliefe that if you have a penis you shouldn't do that. Then there were some manual labor spots which I'm not doing... What now?

 

Either take a manual job, or a secretary job, and upgrade your skills or education as you do it part time.

 

Yikes, starting as an administrative assistant is a great way to get some office experience and also they often will pay all or part of your course fees to upgrade skills, or take business admin, etc if you show drive and dedication. I know company managers whom started as administrative assistants or as office clerks doing everything from mail sorting to ordering supplies, taking minutes and then working up.

 

Before I went back to school, I moved from being an admin assistant, to working in insurance and mutual fund sales, then to contract tendering. All of which were great career paths. Just not for me so I chose to go back to school, and heck work part time in retail now!

 

Sorry, but this kind of attitude is probably what is frustrating her more than anything. This should also be about you and your future together as a family. It is not about you supporting her, but about being an equal partner in this relationship and her seeing you are committed to your future together.

 

I know VERY few people whom had their dream job land in their lap at the first go, without any experience or hard work.

[TheFoglifter]

... it's my beliefe that if you have a penis you shouldn't do that"

 

This isn't a problem for you. The way you let your wife treat you, I'm assuming you don't have a penis at all.

 

I'm sorry but after your last post, I had to say it. As much as I'd love to side against your wife, and I still believe she has her faults in this, you are acting like a woman. Your last post makes me believe that you are just as bad as she is. You expect to do nothing, and have everything change on its own. That will not happen. I now see that you WANT to go through our suggestions, shoot down the majority of them as "that won't work" or "I don't want to do that", try one or two half-heartedly, and then cry about how the world is unfair and you can't do anything.

 

Congratulations, you are exactly where you want to be, and you will be there for a very long time.

 

You and your wife need to SHARE that reality sandwhich. Something here has to give. You ask "what now", I'll tell you what now. First you need to stop with the "I won't do this, I won't do that".

 

Otherwise, I guess she will just have to continue to be "supremely frustrated".

[splashdown]

Have to agree. All of your responses have been started with "I can't" and "I'm not". You apparently expect to start at the top, and it's not gonna happen. That takes time and a lot of hard work and doing a lot of jobs you don't really want to do.

 

Admin assistant is not a "girl" job, and your characterization was insulting and immature. But I guess you're happy sitting at home and letting wifey take care of you (for as long as she will), which is really something for you and your "penis" to be proud of.

 

You clearly aren't willing to do anything to help yourself, so deal with the consequences.

[agent1607307371]

Andyg - secretarial jobs were traditionally a male position...

 

How old are you anyway? Why did you marry her? You seem to have no desire to enter into the real world - where people take jobs they don't want and work their way up. You have entered into marriage on a whim and with no understanding of how partnerships have to work.

[freeindeed]

Andyg,

How was the relationship when you first started dating? Did she have the job she has now? And if so was she paying for all the dates? If you paid, how would you pay? Did you have a job? Was she fine with the situation back then?

[ghost69]

you don't have a penis anymore anyways andy. you are married. go to a carwash or something. manual labor is all you are going to find without any skills or degrees or anything. you are young andy. you need to start out somewhere. you aren't going to get an executive job or something. just about everyone does it. except those snots on that sweet 16 show on mtv.

 

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[answersguy]

I am a personal friend of Andy's and I'm sorry to do this to you. But... You dress like a bum, I've never seen you in shirt and tie let alone a suit. All of your jeans have holes and you try to act like a thug sometimes. You're my boy but no... Stop complaining, get yourself some nice clothes, and try again. Try shaving for a change too. Stop acting like the world owes you a you something, get off your butt, and go get it.

[ghost69]

wow. nice tidbit to know. if this is you andy, you are not doing anything to help yourself. filling out an application or looking isn't enough. you need to be presentable.

[TheFoglifter]

It takes a TRUE friend to say something like that.

[andyg]

OK, I got some nice pants, a button down shirt, and a tie... I'm also clean shaven now and I went and passed around some more resumes. We'll see if it makes a differance, I know it had an effect on my overall confidence though so it can't hurt.

[TheFoglifter]

I'm thrilled to hear that, and you should be proud for taking initiative.

 

Please please please keep the big picture in mind, and remember that every step forward is worthwhile. It may take time, but if you keep at it, you'll succeed.

[ghost69]

did you try and talk to the person that you dropped off the resumes to?

[andyg]

At some of the places I did, at some of the places, the receptionists seemed to busy. A couple of them told me they'd put in a good word so I'm keeping my fingers crossed and I'll try more tomorrow. My wife just got home and seems happy for once

[lady00]

At some of the places I did, at some of the places, the receptionists seemed to busy. A couple of them told me they'd put in a good word so I'm keeping my fingers crossed and I'll try more tomorrow. My wife just got home and seems happy for once

 

That's good news. It really sounds like you're putting in the effort required so just keep doing what you're doing. Good luck!

[ghost69]

good. you are taking the initiative. you need to do this for yourself, not just her.