New relationship

[Steve Austins Bionic Fing]

Hi,

 

I was wndering if maybe somebody (even better if they're female) could give me some feedback on a current dilemma I am currently facing.

 

Two weeks ago, completely by surprise, I met a young lady who, being honest, is everything I have ever wished for. She is both beautiful, incredibly intelligent, and speaks her mind, which is something I've always admired. For the first week, we would talk for at least three hours each night over the 'phone, discussing our life stories, experiences, likes/dislikes, and I'm pretty sure there is nothing we don't know about each other. We've both been in relationships where we've got hurt before, and it seems that neither of us were particularly well supported whilst growing up. It's almost like we were destined to meet, and I really don't want to lose this girl. I am quite an introveed person, when it comes to sharing my feelings, but I do feel, even at this early stage, that I could happily spend the rest of my life with this wonderful person.

 

However, things have gone awfully quiet since the weekend, when we couldn't meet up, and as it turned out, she spent the evening in the company of her ex-boyfriend's father (who is gay, apparently, so I'm not too worried!) and they have always been close.

Furthermore, upon receiving a phonecall from her on Monday, my new friend asked me what name I thought of, what I thought of her; either her Christian name, or her nickname I have for her, which has stuck. I became quite tongue-tied at this point, but replied honestly, as I always think of her nickname, as it's the one special 'link' that she and I have, as nobody else knows her by this name. I don't know if this was what she wanted me to say, and maybe a few of you ladies could give me your opinion?

The main reason I'm so worried is that I haven't heard from her since. I know she is very busy this week (she works in a teaching hospital) and said she would call on either Wednesday or Thursday, and I'm scared I've upset her, and won't hear from her again. I don't want to become a nuisance, so is not calling her/texting her, for a few days, and giving her some time and space, a good idea? I'm also worried that, after we last spoke, I didn't hang the phone up correctly, and I think that she may have one of those phones which, if the other person hasn't hung up, will make hers start ringing. and as bad luck would have it, I noticed my mistake, and hung up, just as I heard "Hello?"-or at least I think I did-coming down the line. The last thing I want is to freak her out, and ultimately lose her. Meeting her was the best thing to happen to me in a long time, and I genuinely am very scared. Please help!

[MushroomGod]

Chill dude, no big deal. Your really over thinking this and that's causing your problems. She said she would call today, so wait for the call. If she doesn't call today then call her tomorrow and ask why she didn't. Say your not mad just that you just don't like it when people do not live up to their words, or something like that.

 

For now relax, you haven't done anything I'd consider a deal breaker.

 

Also, you should have said that you loved both her names and explained to her why you like her nickname more.

[JoeWho]

Yeah, I ditto what mushroomgod said. You are driving yourself crazy over thinking things.

 

Just let whatever happens happen. If she calls you tonight or tomorrow night like she said then great, if she doesn't then you can call her and feel out the situation.

[Batya33]

You've owned pairs of socks far longer than you've known her. You can talk 24 hours 7 days straight about everything but until and unless you know someone over time for at least 6 to 9 months of consistent dating you won't know if the two of you are compatible for the long term. You will know somewhat earlier about potential, etc but you really don't know each other as part of daily life- which is essential - you have no idea what you two are like together when one of you is sick, got a promotion, had a terrible day at work, heard from their ex or a family member with whom you have a difficult relationship, got a parking ticket, celebrated a birthday, etc. This fantasy of knowing all about each other just by talking 3 hours a night for a week leads to unrealistic expectations. For example, you don't know how she reacts if she thinks the phone is hung up on her - or if she would assume that it must have been a mistake, etc. So much for knowing all about her, right?

 

Chill, treat this as a brand new relationship with someone who is still mostly a stranger - and give her the space she seems to need. Don't assume the worse but it is fairly typical in a brand new relationship that they burn out quickly if you jump right in to every night marathon calls.

 

Also I find it odd that she would tell you she was going to see her ex's dad and tell you he is gay.

[Steve Austins Bionic Fing]

Thanks, but you've You're misunderstood what I mean. We had mentioned our relationships with our parents in previous conversations, and she said that she was close to her dad, but equally close to the father of her last boyfriend. Maybe she was joking when she said the guy was gay, or perhaps I misheard and it was her ex who turned out to be gay.

Secondly, I have never put the phone down on her, and we talk almost every night before going to bed. The thing that I am worried about is that, after our last conversation, because I've got a very cheap phone, with a cord, rather than a wireless, I didn't hang up properly, and here in the UK, if a call is still active, the phone of the person who has hung up, will start ringing again. I swear that she answered the phone, just as I replaced the receiver properly, killing the call. But as I said before, I don't want her thinking that I am the kind of guy who makes silent phone calls, and then hangs up. That's not nice, and certainly not something I would do.

[Batya33]

I understood perfectly - I believe you misread my post. I understand that you did not and do not hang up on her. My post was directed more to your impression that the two of you were serious because you "knew" each other so well from your marathon phone calls. I think that impression is unrealistic and the phone situation is one indication that apparently you don't know her well at all -if you did you wouldn't be worrying so much - you would know her well enough to know whether not hearing from her was about the inadvertent hang up or you would feel comfortable calling her.

 

She has a life- she has a busy life- last week she made time to talk to you every night and this week it is back to reality. Reality is the only environment in which you can have a healthy relationship. The problem with getting too attached early on and believing that marathon phone calls speed up the getting to know you process is that you have no clue what she is like in real life and so you have no clue whether her silence is busyness or lack of interest. I would call her and communicate since you two certainly haven't run out of things to say to each other yet.

[Siriana]

I think you are worrying over stupid and superficial things.

 

What kind of a wacko would be angry at you if you said honestly which name you like more or if you didn't hang up your phone correctly?

If she were like that would you even consider dating her?

 

I think you're not too confident as a person (I don't mean it as an insult - we all have something we're not the best at) so because of that you're worrying over such small things, being horrified how possibly you've done something wrong, how it must be your fault etc.

 

You need to relax. Nothing is wrong right now and you've done nothing wrong. All of this is a product of your anxiety because you are very much interested in this girl.

 

I suggest:

- reading some books about self esteem (again I don't mean it as an insult)

- taking Batya33 advice (Relax, slow down and enjoy this process of getting to know her. Don't make conclusions so soon into the dating because it will make you less capable of recognizing all the potential of the relationship or lack of it. Everything will be just fine. Give yourself some time, 6-9 month, for initial phase of being crazy in love to pass. By that time you'll be able to experience many daily situations, even difficult ones toghether. That will make you understand her better and vice versa).

[Steve Austins Bionic Fing]

Syrix, thanks, but I think you're missing the point I'm trying to make.

1. I'm worried because her nickname is very much associated with her job, and she knows that whenever she says 'I'm a surgeon' it causes a huge grin to appear on my face, as, putting it bluntly, I am a red-blooded male, and like millions of other guys, find her choice of profession extremely sexy. So, to be able to call her by a nickname I have chosen, and she likes it, is a great honour. But at the same time, I don't want her thinking that I only think of her in a 'sexy' way. Thre is no question that she is drop dead gorgeous, and fantastic at her very demanding job. But thee is more to her than simply a......... she's a person too, and I don't want her thinking I don't recognise that.

 

As far as the phone thing is concerned, put yourself in her shoes; you've just had an hour long, tender, sensitive conversation with your boyfriend, who has helped you to relax after the hard day you've just had, you're on the verge of falling asleep, you put the phone down, just drifting off, then....................brrrrrrinnng!!!!! the phone rings again, you answer it, say hello, only for the other person to hang up on you. Then when you press number recall, you find it's your boyfriend's number. Would you be a bit worried? I certainly would, and I hate the feeling that we haven't spoken since then, so I have no idea of how she feels, or whether I should call? I can't be sure that it was her on the phone as I put it down; it may have been the neighbours who live downstairs, but since I have very little confidence, and she is the first person in a long time to see me for me, I don't want to scare her, worry her, or lose her, for that matter.

[Kalika]

Honestly, if there's anything that might lead you to lose her at this point, it's your anxiety. You seem to be worried about everything and nothing all at once.

[Zaphod]

A very profound post, if I may say so.

[Batya33]

Your latest post is interesting for your contradiction - you claim to be her serious boyfriend and in the next sentence presume that she would assume the worst- that you hung up on her - and that if she assumed that she wouldn't call you back to find out why or what happened. If you truly were serious about each other, and in a stable relationship with a stable foundation, it would never happen that she would assume you hung up on her and that she didn't call you back because of it. Only someone who was seriously insecure would act that way.

So - what this example shows is that while you believe that after two weeks you know her well and the two of you are serious, in reality you know so little about her reactions and are so uncomfortable with her that you are wondering if she thinks you hung up on her and thereforeeee didn't call you back out of anger. Let's say that was true - would you really want to date someone who would react that way? Would that reaction be consistent with knowing each other so well and having a close bond?

[Steve Austins Bionic Fing]

I must say that when I began on this site, I thought I was dealing with intelligent people! You are so wrong, on so many levels that I am beginning to get angry. So, to hopefully explain things better, I will have one last attempt at describing what happened.

Picture the scene; guy and girl are talking tenderly on the phone. Girl has had hard day at work, so guy is trying to relax her. He talks softly, and succeeds, as girl says she feels great, just hearing him talk. Then they say goodnight, as girl is ready to go to sleep. She presses button on phone to end call, and he hangs up, as he has slightly less modern phone. After about thirtyy seconds, he looks at phone again, and realises he has not replaced receiver properly. Just as he places the receiver back in its correct position, he thinks he hears girlfriend's voice, saying "hello?" on the phone. So what does he do? Does he ring back, and risk waking girlfriend up, in the event that his imagination was allowing him to hear things. Or does he run the risk of girlfriend, having said 'hello' only for phone to be put down, recalls last number, finds it is boyfriend's number, who she has not known for that long, and could potentially get quite nervous of this guy now.

Do you understand what I am saying now? Can you understand my frustrations and anxieties?

 

And secondly, I have never said I'm her serious boyfriend. We're both working professionals; she's a surgeon, for heaven'ssake. She is anything but thick, so the chances of us being in a 'serious' relationship at this point, is unlikely. I'm just anxious not to freak her out, or have reason to be afraid of me. I have very low self esteem; I was abused as a child by a step mother who would go silent on me, for no apparent reason, and never tell me if I'd done anything wrong. I care a great deal for this young lady, and I don't want to do anything to threaten our relationship.

[Kalika]

I totally get what you're saying, and yet I still don't understand. Why don't you just call, apologize for what happened, and take it from there?

 

I'm just not really seeing why this is some sort of relationship-ending crisis.

[Batya33]

You stated in your first post all these lofty and abstract terms about how seriously you felt about this woman after two weeks. Now it seems like you are back pedaling - you may disagree. I know unintelligent surgeons (I presume she is highly intelligent, just saying that just because she is a surgeon says nothing about whether she is emotionally intelligent or a reasonable person in a relationship). and, in particular, I know people who become very unreasonable no matter how academically intelligent they are when they are smitten and insecure, as you are.

 

I agree with the previous poster. And, please stop the threatening language, ok? It's a message board. I had an opinion about your behavior on the phone, about your characterizations of this woman you've known for two weeks, etc. I expressed it and you expressed a different view. You can describe what happened over and over and I still feel the same.

 

One more word of advice - sure it is impressive that she is a surgeon - that says a lot about her work ethic, her intelligence, her motivation, her perseverence and likely her sleep deprivation - but you sound intimidated by that -- and that isn't healthy. I've been there, and it's not fun.

 

And - finally - my boyfriend and I are both working professionals - working, extremely busy professionals - and we are in a serious relationship. Guess what- it's more than possible. All of my serious boyfriends for the last 20 years have been busy working professionals and for the last 15 plus years, so have I. Get over it as some sort of obstacle to a serious relationship. (In my humble opinion).

[Siriana]

I must say that when I began on this site' date=' I thought I was dealing with intelligent people! You are so wrong, on so many levels that I am beginning to get angry. And you would not like me when I am angry. [/quote']

 

And when I came on this site people helped me a lot, but some of the things were the things I didn't want to hear even tough they made sense.

For understanding other persons views I needed to step back and consider other view points.

 

I told you how I think you didn't mess up with nick name and telephone. And thats what I think.

 

But if you want to hear the opposite - here you go: I think you made horrible mistake and how she'll find someone better who can read her mind. I am shure she already dumped you.

Did you want to hear that?!

 

I think I didn't miss anything in my post.

I told you you were not wrong and I managed to see you have low self - esteem (I am sorry for that, circumstances you wrote were horrible for you).

So I advise you to work on your self esteem as well as maybe theraphy because of the hurtfull past.

[Momene]

It's possible (but not inevitable) that she could still be disentagling herself from her previous relationship. Although I'm not proud of it, I've failed to finish relationships before embarking on the next, so it does happen.

 

As for her/you being "thick", being academically gifted and in a high status job does not qualify anyone to be good at relationships. Indeed, she may not be good at them because she had to study and work hard to become a surgeon, so may not have had the time to develop social skills as well as other people. I didn't gain any experience of relationships myself until I was in my 20s and am still a bit naive and socially clumsy 30 years on. I'm no surgeon but have a degree, so can relate to some of this.

 

Good luck.