Younger woman drama, my head is twisted, how do I proceed?

[eponymouss]

I started seeing a younger woman about three months ago. I am 38, she is 22. I know, I know... I knew what I was getting into from the very beginning. The saying "Younger women don't know what they want" rings true.

 

But, she was beautiful and smart, and we had so much fun together. I had been single for almost four years, and it was nice to finally find someone again. Things started out very fast and furious, she was very into me. Probably just into the "idea" of me. We had sex way too soon. And I kept trying to take a step back. I was reluctant, and this seemed to increase her interest. For the first time in my life I was swept off my feet. The first two months were really fun and happy and wonderful. I found myself falling for her, and she could tell.

 

Then the red flags started. Her ex of four years was obviously still in the picture. They were high school sweethearts, and had only been apart for about three months. She also has a slew of young guy friends, that she spends a good deal of time with. None of this really bothered me. I told her as long as she was honest with me about things we would be fine.

 

She started becoming more distant over the last month. Not seeking to spend as much time together. She still called every day. But, she was definitely less affectionate.

She started becoming secretive about what she was doing, and who she was doing it with. And like a puppet I responded. I started showing more affection, and became the pursuer. Like a supreme dumb-a@@ I fell right into the trap. When I brought up any mention about the possibility that someone else was in the picture, no matter how gently I put it, she would become very agitated and angry. One night at a club, a friend of hers, who obviously thought I was only a "friend", made a comment about her and her ex still being together. I brought this up to my girlfriend and it all culminated in a huge blow up, where she called me crazy for believing she was seeing someone else without proof.

 

We made up after that fight. But, I knew it was already over. She was only coming back because she felt guilty. And she made little effort to try and see me for two weeks. Although she still called and sent texts daily.

 

Then, more drama. About a week later I got an anonymous email from someone telling me that she was cheating on me with her ex, AND another guy. The person sending it obviously had a grudge against her (my first impression was that it was her ex trying to stir things up) but when I replied to the email, it bounced back to me.

When I told her of this, she told me she had also received a message telling her that I was cheating on her... and things sort of slipped away from there.

 

Last week we had "the phone call" where she said she was feeling differently, and wasn't sure if we should be together. The conversation actually went a long way toward clearing my head up about things. We actually communicated. She was very open for the first time, and explained a lot of her issues with the ex that she had rarely spoken of before. I told her that we were having a conversation that we should have had a month ago, and that it actually had me feeling like things could work out. She didn't seem to feel the same way. She said I would never trust her. She just wants to be my friend. Something I am not comfortable with right now. But she told me when she returned from a trip home (she would be gone a week) she would call and we would talk about it.

 

We have had no contact since she left. She returned two days ago.

 

Everything tells me that it's over, and I can accept that. She's very young and has many other things in life to experience. But still, a part of me still wants her back. Or wants that possibility someday when the drama dies down. But, I won't allow myself to be the "back burner" guy.

 

I guess my question is how do I proceed?

Should I write her telling her I understand it's over, thank her for the good times etc, and start no contact from there?

Or should I just leave it be until she wants to contact me?

If I want to be "with her", should I even consider the idea of being friends?

And if I did want to have a possible future with her somewhere down the road, what can I do now to make that a possibility?

[EvaGina]

I say write to her, do it nicely, but at least you have your closure

[avman]

Honestly I don't see this situation ending up where she comes back to you. I think you hit it right on the head that she was into the "idea" of you. Wow, an older man falling for me - how awesome! But then as things went along the idea wasn't as appealing to her anymore.

 

Truthfully I'd just let her go without any goodbyes, letters, emails, etc. If she wanted to make contact she would have. And if there is any chance she'll make contact with you. But don't hold your breath. I don't see a friendship working out either. You are too into her and it will be too painful to deal with her and her other future boyfriends.

[ladyspirit]

Hi,

 

It sounds like she cheated on you. The stories just sound shady: the email, the fact that a friend thought you weren't dating, and a dead giveaway: getting angry at your suspicions when she became distant.

Drama this early on... she 's young, and you sound like you want an honest and mature relationship. There might have been a lot of passion, but don't stick with the honeymoon phase...What's your gut instinct about her, and about your desire to pursue this? Do you think it's healthy, and realistic?

Or is it lust, or loneliness after 4 years of being single?...

 

I would NC starting now. Distance will help you clear your head and really feel out and assess the situation for what it really is. As well, if she has issues with exes that aren't resolved...this sounds just too complicated, too early on.

If nevertheless you feel that she's being honest, NC anyway and wait for her to contact you. She said she would, right?

 

Age is not everything, but it has some meaning.

 

Good luck

[VerySadToday]

If you contact her, you will blow any remaining chances with her. People whose feelings have "changed" become more set in their opinions and more stubborn if they are being contacted for a chance to reconcile. I know you don't want to be the back burner guy, but if you stay in no contact mode, she might come back to you when the problems with the ex-boyfriend resurface. After all, they broke up for a reason. Have patience and spend your time pursuing some hobbies that you let slide during the relationship.

[eponymouss]

If you contact her, you will blow any remaining chances with her. People whose feelings have "changed" become more set in their opinions and more stubborn if they are being contacted for a chance to reconcile. I know you don't want to be the back burner guy, but if you stay in no contact mode, she might come back to you when the problems with the ex-boyfriend resurface. After all, they broke up for a reason. Have patience and spend your time pursuing some hobbies that you let slide during the relationship.

 

It's funny that even at my age, we still search out the things we want to hear. My heart is still telling me to hope.

 

Anybody have any other views?

[confusedguy11]

It's funny that even at my age, we still search out the things we want to hear. My heart is still telling me to hope.

 

Anybody have any other views?

 

Im 26 and the girl im with is 23, and it's not any better with the smaller age gap... lol

 

 

IDK what women want seriously.. They all say, oh I want to be loved cared for... So you do as they ask.. Show them love affection.. it's never enough... This is the reason there are very few good guys out there anymore.. These girls can drive you nuts I tell ya.

[isisastaria]

I think you said it from the beginning. You knew what you were getting into. My ex-husband got into a relationship with a much younger woman and for him it was an absolute nightmare. I felt extremely bad for him considering the work and emotions he put into a rel. where it was all maturity on his part, and just games, and wishy washy insecurities on her part.

Sex seems to have a huge hold right around your.....um....throat.

 

So I would say...tell her you want to see other people and do just that. NC

 

Good luck on that one.

 

BTW- You might be the type of guy who feels younger than your biological age. Is that true? My fiancee and I both feel a lot younger than ours. I found we work out well since both ages match. Does that make sense?

[eponymouss]

BTW- You might be the type of guy who feels younger than your biological age. Is that true? My fiancee and I both feel a lot younger than ours. I found we work out well since both ages match. Does that make sense?

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

And yes I do feel much younger. I will admit to being a bit immature. And people tell me I look like I'm in my late 20's early 30's.

[isisastaria]

Same with my fiancee and I! Wow! I'm 29 and everyone gets wide eyes when they find out. They never fail to tell me I don't look over 24 or 25. My fiancee has been told he looks 19 or 20.

 

You must take good care of yourself. We don't drink or use any tobacco or even a lot of caffeine. It really stops the aging on the brain as well (an assumption).

[ScreenagerX]

I get told I look 23, yet I still get ID'ed (18 here) for alcohol & cigarettes if I have shaved recently. I am seeing a girl 10 years younger than me, she is 21. I have had the same experience, very fast & full on but immense fun. We have also just reached the 3 month mark but in my case things seem to be ok apart from some reserves on my side but thats another story.

 

In my opinion your relationship with this girl is over. I would just drop it, walk away. I don't believe she will be back (unless its for comfort over something cause your the older guy who will understand). And yes, I'm with avman; I think she was into the "idea" of you. Sorry bud.

[Momene]

I'm 51 and people often think I'm 10 or more years younger. I don't work out or eat sensibly but do walk a lot.

 

As for the original question, she's gone. Don't look back, only forward and remember she's replaceable.

[eponymouss]

She called and left a message this evening. Along the lines of "Hey it's me. Just wanted to know what's up with you. What's new. And wanted to see if you wanted to hang out sometime in the future. So call me back."

 

As though our last conversation had never happened.

 

I probably know the answer to these questions. But, I'm gonna ask anyway. I like the various points of view. Plus, to be honest, I never played any of these games when I was in my 20's. It was two very long relatively happy relationships.

 

Is this just the hook she's trying to keep me on? Am I a fool to call back? What are the possible outcomes of this?

[Momene]

She's offerring friendship and no more. If you're fine with that, OK but don';t expect any more.

[ScreenagerX]

She's offerring friendship and no more. If you're fine with that, OK but don';t expect any more.

 

Yup, friendship only I'm afraid. She's just offering the call thinking she is lessening the emotional blow.

[eponymouss]

A text message tonight. "Did you Get my phone message last night?"

 

Am I a complete a@@ for not responding?

 

I miss her. And it's messing with me.

 

As sick as it sounds, part of me is happy that she is pursuing again. At the same time I can't be what she wants me to be.

 

Is it time to just "man-up" and respond letting her know these things? Or would I be better off just walking away completely?

 

A friend told me today I should just play along. Like I was stupid not to. Play the game, detach myself from the possible hurt of the outcome, and have fun.

 

I'm not sure I can do that.

[Zaphod]

She's offerring friendship and no more. If you're fine with that, OK but don';t expect any more.

 

I tend to agree.

But WHY would she pursue this "friendship" so much? Ok people say "let's be friends" the old chestnut etc. but if your ex keeps contacting you I can't understand why they would desire the friendship so much.

 

To me "let's be friends" means "If I bump into you I'll act civil, not ignore you".

[Zaphod]

What I'd do at this stage is maybe contact her but try and avoid talking abotu going out or anythign , just have a quick chat and make an excuse to go before she mentions it. It's friendly but it avoids the issue neatly.

 

If my ex were to make contact requesting I phone/contact her I would but on MY terms - if you see what I mean. It is kind of rude to just not respond full stop, and I often think it looks perhaps a bit childish.

 

However if you can't stand things then you need to contact her and request that she not contact you anymore.

[trash mail]

Move on. Wayyyy too young for you and you should expect things like this to happen. They have to much life to live and you have already lived it. At in a matured way and handle this is a business manner.

Thank you for the good time, hope all is well, Good bye.