FallenAngel00 Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Happy Morning to you All! I am writing to cross-check my anger... If I am overreacting then I want to know. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 7 months... together for 8 months, but best friends for two years. He is an amazing boyfriend overall but this weekend, and a few other incidents has got me a little bit uneasy about our relationship. Ive been asking him for the last 4 months to go on a trip with me... road trip that is to wherever around our city just to get away for a bit. When we were friends he went on many road trips and overnighters outside of town. When my birthday was coming up (ok, so 3 months prior), i told him i really wanted to go skiing... I gae him so much notice and when it finally came close to the date to book, he told me he didnt have the money and couldnt get the time off work. I shrugged it off. On valentines day, i asked him if we could go away THIS weekend... since we've never been anywhere i thought it would be nice... again, his reason was that he needed to save his money and that he probably had to work... again, i was fine. Friday night rolls around, and he calls me at about 6:00 to let me know that he is having a boys night with his friend... So I plan a girls night out with my friends. 2 hours later he calls to tell me that him and his friend are going to visit their other friend in a small town 8 hours away and that he wont be back until monday. So now its Sunday morning and im just feeling so hurt by the whole situation. I get that we need our time apart and that he needs his boy's night... as i do need my space also - thats not the issue. I just am upset that he knows that i've wanted to get out of our city for a while and couldnt even have the courtesy to invite me along... or something. I dont know what to say to him so that he understands why im so upset. I love him very much, but i am not one to put up with these kind of downfalls. I guess i just need to know if i truly am overreacting or if the way im feeling is failry "normal". Moreso, i need to know how to deal with HIM so he undersetands how i feel... any advice anyone out there? Link to comment
DN Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Welcome to eNotAlone. Could the difference in his view be that the weekend away that you wanted would cost money he doesn't have or wants to save whereas this trip is to stay with a friend and that the cost will be comparatively minimal? I doubt it would occur to anyone to invite their significant other on a boy's or girl's only weekend trip. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 hi - welcome to enotalone. i can understand your feelings. like you said, it wasn't that he had this boys' night, it's that you've been wanting to go on a trip for a long time, and he's going, but with his buddies. If i were you, I would sit down and talk with him, in a non-accusing manner. make sure that he knows you are not mad about boys' night/weekend out, that you encourage that, etc.... but that you want to have a special getaway too. just don't be accusatory or angry with him, you don't want him to take you somewhere just to 'shut you up', but to go so you two can have a good time together. EDIT: DN has great points there! is it possible this is a financial issue? If so, maybe you can find a way to have a cheap weekend out of town and he would like to go? 1 Link to comment
FallenAngel00 Posted February 18, 2007 Author Share Posted February 18, 2007 From what He told me on the phone, he was going to have to pay to stay at a hotel. His friend that is there is only there to work (back on friday by the way) and is also staying at a hotel... I dont think its financial because i always offer to pay my half... only fair right? Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 well, but skiing at a resort, is ski rental fees, ski fees, plus hotel, food, etc.... it can be a lot more pricey than just a hotel alone. Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 I can understand its frustrating.. Maybe it is or maybe it isn't a financial thing... you mentioned that you were having a 'girls' night.. so maybe he just extended the boys night into a boys weekend for the long weekend? Since you didn't make specific plans for this weekend, for it to be a 'weekend ' together.. I can see how he wouldn't see any issue with making the plans to stay away longer with his friends.. he wasn't canceling anything with you right? Link to comment
Hope75 Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 I agree with DN that I don't think it's odd that he didn't invite you on the boys' only weekend trip, but I do think it's a bit of a double standard if he is paying for a hotel room but couldn't afford to take you away anywhere... especially if you are willing to pay for half of the trip. Perhaps when he gets back you can talk to him about this. Don't make a big stink about it but just mention that it hurts that you've wanted to go away with him and have mentioned this several times and he has said he cannot afford it, but when it comes to going away with the guys he suddenly can. See what he says- maybe one of his friends payed for most of the room so your bf could go. Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 also I notice you live in Calgary... so its not that expensive just to head to Sunshine or Lake Louise, my brothers go from Calgary to many places just for the day. I'm in Edmonton and go boarding every second weekend nearly and there are some really chap package deals which include hotels, lift tickets, transport to and from the resorts for really good prices Link to comment
FallenAngel00 Posted February 18, 2007 Author Share Posted February 18, 2007 I guess he really didnt "break" any plans with me, but i did ask him on valentines day to go away this weekend to the mountains... not skiing or anything... just to get away for a day... but again he gave me the money and work excuse. Hmmm... we do spend alot of time togehter him and I... i guess that justify's a weekend away. It just sucks because i would definetely WANT him to come with me if i was going somewhere for the weekend... especially if i knew he wanted to get out of town as well... Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 I guess he really didnt "break" any plans with me, but i did ask him on valentines day to go away this weekend to the mountains... not skiing or anything... just to get away for a day... but again he gave me the money and work excuse. Hmmm... we do spend alot of time togehter him and I... i guess that justify's a weekend away. It just sucks because i would definetely WANT him to come with me if i was going somewhere for the weekend... especially if i knew he wanted to get out of town as well... So he IS giving you the money excuse... you said it wasn't financial... do you think perhaps it is? Do either of you have a car? would you be happy with just a day trip to Banff or something? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 What I think is happening here is that even though you were friends for 2 years moving in together after only one month of dating hasn't worked well for you two - he probably feels a bit crowded/suffocated. I would not like his behavior, either. Link to comment
FallenAngel00 Posted February 18, 2007 Author Share Posted February 18, 2007 OH i would definetely be happy with a day trip... that was what i was asking him to do this long weekend because He gave me the FINANCIAL issue this weekend, which didnt make sense anyways since I had just said "for the day". I do have a car... that isnt an issue. Link to comment
FallenAngel00 Posted February 18, 2007 Author Share Posted February 18, 2007 So what do you suggest? We probably did move in fast, but again... things have been really good... this has been our first real "fight". We're good at giving each other space when we need it...I just have been in previous relationships where ALL of a sudden the first fight turns into fights every weekend. I guess im scared and that could be causing me to react more sensitively to this weekend. Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 i think Batya has a good point.. when you were in 'friends mode' for so long.. its difficult to move into that more-than-friends zone.. because when you got to know each other and care for each other.. even if only as friends.. he never had to discuss with you when he was going away with friends and didn't have to tell you why or how long... but now he does... Do you think this could be a reason why? Link to comment
FallenAngel00 Posted February 18, 2007 Author Share Posted February 18, 2007 I never would have thought of it like this - thank you. How do i explain to him... without making him feel like im trying to control him... that im upset. How do we overcome this issue if it is the case? I would NEVER want him to feel like he has to ask me for permission to do anything... Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 I don't think you are trying to control him at all.. or make him feel like he needs to ask for permission... maybe HE just feels like that? I dates a guy like that once... he hadn't been in many relationships... and i think he heard through all his friends that girls didn't like it when boys went out together.. and girls didn't like it if their boyfriends had nights... he ASSUMED that I would think like this too.. when i reality I didn't at all.. In fact.. if he went out with the boys.. I told him to have a good time! But... if he ever wanted to do things with his friends and I wasn't there.. he felt that i didn't want him to be there... it was very difficult for me to communicate to him that I didn't mind all these things.. and he just had a pre-conceived idea that all girls hated boys weekends ( when there are a lot of silly girls that do!!... so he had a good reason to think like that) It got really annoying and frustrating. have you planned anything specific with him? Maybe he just isn't interested in a day out? Is he active? I know some people just aren't interested in sitting adn having coffee or going out for drinks.. but are interested in skiing all day. Or alternatively.. maybe he doesn't like to plan anything and feels like you planning things is a way of controlling him (even though I don't think you are!) 1 Link to comment
FallenAngel00 Posted February 18, 2007 Author Share Posted February 18, 2007 He has always been one of those "last minute" planners.... and it truly does drive me nuts.... i just never seem to be a part of any of these sparatic plans he thinks of. and NO he isn't really into hanging out in banff sipping coffee or hiking i guess... but he knows im pretty easy going to do anything that he might be interested in if we were to just GET AWAY. Men are so different than women are... You seem to have some very good insight. I never thought that he would take my trying to plan things as controlling... but it totally makes sense. Its just i feel like if i dont try to make plans, then we're never gonna do anything... i guess thats a personallity difference taht i need to try to understand... Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 hm. so what would happen if you tried to spring something on him? like say on friday (if he doesn't have to work on saturday), "Hey - let's go for a day trip out of town!" Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 He has always been one of those "last minute" planners.... and it truly does drive me nuts.... i just never seem to be a part of any of these sparatic plans he thinks of. and NO he isn't really into hanging out in banff sipping coffee or hiking i guess... but he knows im pretty easy going to do anything that he might be interested in if we were to just GET AWAY. Men are so different than women are... You seem to have some very good insight. I never thought that he would take my trying to plan things as controlling... but it totally makes sense. Its just i feel like if i don't try to make plans, then we're never gonna do anything... i guess thats a personality difference taht i need to try to understand... I understand this too.. I was with a guy who just seemed so "meh.. whatever" (thats what he said!) about everything... It used to drive me nuts because some things we had to plan for and he never wanted to commit to something so far down the road (like a week away!) Nick....I don't think the OP is talking about going out with her boyfriend on boy's nights.. this is what I'm getting at from an earlier post... dont' assume that us girls want to go out with the boys on their boys nights and check out girls and do 'man things'... we don't!!!!.. nor do we want to keep our eye on them ... but it just seems like ( in most of the relationships I know!) the girls are the ones who need to book the car or the hotel.. or make the dinner reservation.. buy the lift tickets.. and then the guy gets in the car in the morning.. everything works out because the girl organised it all...and then he says "See everything worked out..why were you getting so worked up about it all" (BECAUSE SHE MADE THE EFFORT TO BOOK IT A WEEK IN ADVANCE SO THEY COULD ENJOY THeiR DAY/WEEKEND TOGETHER!! ) I know girls are generally more planned than guys... and in general the planners are the one who get everything ready, book the hotels, pack the food etc.. and the non-planner just hops into the car at the last minute an enjoys the ride My parents are like this.. my mum is the one who makes the effort to plan things.. because if she doesn't my they woudn't go anywhere and my dad did nothing to contribute to the trip .. but he enjoys it ( because someone ELSE... my mum.. did all the organising!) Sometimes I think people like this just dont' like making the effort ( like the guy I mentioned) As a planner.. non-planners drive me nuts too.. because of me.. they enjoy the trip more.. because I did my research.. got a good deal, got the discoutns, found the nice restaurants.. they enjoy it as well..](*,) Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 i think you need to look as his behavior in the overall context, not just this one case... does he always seem to be able to spend money on things he wants to do, but if it is someone you want to do, all of a sudden he has no money or time for it? or is this just a single case, where his buddies made a spur of the moment decision, and it seemed too good to him to turn down. the thing that bothers me a bit is that he said he had no money/time for you this weekend, but suddenly has money/time for his buddies. that means he wasn't exactly being truthful with you, becuase he obviously did have time and money for it, but only when it was something he really wanted to do. it could be that he is taking you a bit for granted, i.e., 'i see you every day', whereas a trip with his buddies is a big event worth popping money for. so i would definitely talk to him about it and ask him that question, why did you say you had no money/time for a trip with me, but all of a sudden you do have it for a trip with them? i think it is always fine if someone doesn't feel up for something on a particular weekend, but if he is giving lame (untrue) excuses to avoid it, then he is not being open and truthful with you, and that needs to change. Link to comment
FallenAngel00 Posted February 18, 2007 Author Share Posted February 18, 2007 You can't bring your girlfriend to a guys night you just can't. The guy lives with you give him a break maybe he just needed to get away for a while with his friends. Alot of guys are last minute planners. We don't plan trips with our friends months in advance unless it's going on some crazy vacation or something. Oh I COMPELTELY agree that you cant bring your girlfriend on a boy's night... I wouldnt even WANT to go... Im just more frustrated that he sparatically planned a weekend away with the guys and can't commit to a night away with the girlfriend with even 3 months notice... Link to comment
Mun Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Hey there. I'm concerned that you say he is a last minute planner because that makes me wonder if he knows you will always go along---so there is no need for him to be considerate and plan things ahead with you. Do you always go along ? It sucks to know that he is prioritizing his plans with his friends to those with you. I'd feel mistreated too...and taken for granted. Any chance you can cut him out all together and get away with your girlfriends instead? Maybe it would shake things up a bit. You say the rest of the relationship is really great? So it's just the problem of him getting away with his friends... I'd let him go and say nothing. But I'd keep my eyes open for other behavior that says I'm not that important to him...just because..... Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 Oh I COMPELTELY agree that you cant bring your girlfriend on a boy's night... I wouldnt even WANT to go... Im just more frustrated that he sparatically planned a weekend away with the guys and can't commit to a night away with the girlfriend with even 3 months notice... ok, maybe i missed this before... Is he saying he doesn't like you to hang out with your girlfriends? because if he is doing this.. then it most definitely isn't fair Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 I would also wonder ( and it may not be the case in your situation!) because of my past relationships with problems like this.. when a guy can't commit to a daytrip.. or making plans.. or a weekend away.. is he going to be able to commit to anything else? or does he not want to make plans in case something better comes along? I saw this in a previous relationship it was only little things like we be hanging out on a Sunday afternoon..and a friend would call and say "come over and do this" to him.. and he would leave because we 'weren't really doing anything anyway' but really, he was just waiting for something better to come along .. he never met anyone else.. but I don't think he wanted to make firm plans with me.. because he wasn't sure about me Link to comment
FallenAngel00 Posted February 18, 2007 Author Share Posted February 18, 2007 NO no no no no.... yikes... he has no problem with anyone i hang out with or what/where im going ... I have lots of guy and girl friends and he knew all that before we were together. Link to comment
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