Love is Colourblind

[mr_echo]

My polish gf split up with me 14 days ago in a very condescending manner. I believe I truly love her but the split is proving to be more than a little acromonious, so I decided to go the NC route (for me, not her...). The split came right out of the blue and really sent me reeling and we both got nasty. So NC now is good for us both. Even though I love her I feel she used me (money, house, advice etc. etc.). Immediately prior to the split she had to go back to Poland to attend a court appearance where her biological father was suing her for taking maintenance payments for University after she finished her degree (Imagine that...I don't know Polish law but she is 24 yrs old). Long story short, she asked to borrow a large sum of money for the travel arrangments which she said her mother would pay back. On her return she dumps me and moves out, claiming that the relationship hadn't been working for some time. Dumped and stung! I'm not that bothered about the money. I just had no idea that she would do something like this.

 

Some of her final words: "I'm not selfish or egotistical, I just do what "I" want to do."

 

Figure that one out!

 

Anyway, I know I'm going to be better off without her even though right now I'm still very much in love with her. It's early days and I'm not sure if I want her back. Maybe a sense of closure but I know that will have to come from within me and not from her. Just don't know what to do or how to handle it as she said she will txt me when she's ready to meet me. She doesn't think she's done anything wrong and is blaming me.

 

Have I been duped? Does she sound dangerous? I'm so confused right now I must read more posts. Sorry for venting...

 

P.S. Day 2 of NC

[Emily525]

Some of her final words: "I'm not selfish or egotistical, I just do what "I" want to do."

 

Well if that IS the reason why she left, then she doesnt sound too good to begin with. Someone who does something like that apparently doesnt care about your feelings too much. I say give it about another few days or so and see what happens. If she calls you or something of that sort then tell her how you feel and see what she says. If she keeps saying mean things towards you, then im sorry to say this but its not worth it.

 

And her final words towards you seem a little strange to me. If she said that when she left then i guess thats what she wanted to do. Sounds a little childish on her part

[arwen]

It seems that she had some hidden agenda. I don't know, it sounds fishy. I know a girl (coincidentally, she is from Poland), who lived three years together with a Dutch guy, just to get her 'greencard'. She cheated, dumped him and got away with a permit to stay in Holland.

 

I can imagine you are hurt, angry, etc. I think it's good you do NC. Love can make you blind, but you don't seem to be blind. You couldn't know about her plans, and now you know, it's time to heal and start to move on.

 

Take care,

 

Arwen

[mr_echo]

Yeah I began to get the feeling that she was using me about three to four weeks ago. I paid for a lot of stuff she needed liker her workers registration card. I think she decided at christmas to dump me and chose the trip to poland to make the decision final.

 

I'm new on this forum and I've spent the last few hours reading. It really helps cos I still feel very raw. I now realise that the relationship began to flow one way around christmas but the first 4 months were incredible. She took me to poland to visit her parents and we got on really well, so much so that they told me that I was now part of the family. She seems to have changed when we got back. Everything just seems so weird about this girl. I do love her but now I'm not sure if she really did have a hidden agenda...

[mr_echo]

Actually her final words to me were "Can I borrow the laptop for two weeks..." Not really the time to ask for things is it...

[Emily525]

Actually her final words to me were "Can I borrow the laptop for two weeks..." Not really the time to ask for things is it...

 

Ya thats setting you up for more trouble. I wouldnt let her touch your laptop. She sounds like a gold-digger to me. Im sorry to say that but I wouldnt trust her. Not after everything you've gone through.

 

 

I still say give it a few more days and see what happens

[mr_echo]

I dunno. I think she is out of my life for good and on bad terms (partly due to me cos of the shock and the fact that I called her on her behaviour. She didn't like it one bit. I know I shouldn't have but it really hurts being taken for a bumpy ride.

 

You folks rock. period.

[Emily525]

Oh bumpy rides are the worst, but they will pass. Gosh i think ive been more on a mountain rife in my life. MASSIVE mountain too. But it will be ok. You'll find someone soon, I have faith in you. And telling her about the way she acted is the best thing to do. If she doesnt hear it from you, she will never understand what shes doing. Maybe you've changed her opinion on the way she acts towards people and realizes how much it hurts others. Its the best thing to do

[mr_echo]

Me to Emily525, me too...

 

I haven't had a chance to discuss it in a calm way with her as I am still in the hurt stage. But on the face of it I don't think it will do any good she is very arrogant. Anyway I'm doing the NC thing for me not her. She's blaming everything on me anyway. I think it's projection and she doesn't like to admit she could possibly hurt anyone. Right now I'm still bouncing off walls but I definitely feel better for NC.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think her last words say it all... she would have taken the laptop and you would never see your laptop (or her) again, unless she wanted more money or a place to live or a green card or whatever, then you might hear from her again.

 

she sounds like a real user who indeed does what she wants to do, including scamming her own father for more money than she is entitled to, and freely spending yours.

 

i think you are much better off without her, and should not let her worm her way back in the next time she needs something from you (and will disappear again once she's gotten it)....

[DN]

she sounds like a real user who indeed does what she wants to do, including scamming her own father for more money than she is entitled to, and freely spending yours.

I agree with this. I know it hurts right now but I think in a comparatively short time you will realise how much better off you are without her. In one respect she did you a favour by leaving - the emotional and financial damage could have been a lot worse that it already is.

[mr_echo]

Thank you everyone for your kind, helpful words. What you are all saying is crystalising in mind what I subconsciously already knew. I don't need this kind of treatment I am worth so much more than that.

[Emily525]

yes you are. Its good that you actually know that. Too many people in this world dont know that.

[mr_echo]

Thanks Emily525 - means a lot right now cos I feel like I've let myself down big time with this person...

[annie24]

there is a good quote, "If you lend your friend money, and you never see them again, then it was money well spent." Sounds like she wanted to run off with your laptop also

 

I think that in the long run, this is for the best. She does sound fishy. And thank your lucky stars you didn't marry her and she then decided to divorce you and sue you for everything you have.

 

(((HUGS))) hang in there! things will get better. stay NC with her.

[mr_echo]

I'm not sure if she would have really done that but she did take liberties. When I asked her about the money I lent her, she said "what money?". I was just taken aback that she could dump me then ask to borrow it knowing she had already taken so much from me. Perhaps she thought the gravy train had pulled into the station...

 

god I feel so much better today and it's down to all you good people. Thank you Thank You Thank You and thanks again.

[annie24]

"what money?" seriously???? I am POSITIVE she would have been saying a few days from now, "What laptop?"

 

hey - I am glad you are feeling better! glad this place is helping!

[mr_echo]

One of the first red flags which I overlooked cos' I was in lurv was something she said right at the beginning: "Steven, don't you know that a woman will stop at nothing to get what she wants..." she was talking about an ex of mine but I now realise that this was, in fact, her own mindset. In the light of whats happened it says more about her.

[annie24]

it's all becoming clear, isn't it?

[mr_echo]

as a bell. And I won't ever go back. Tomorrow is day 3 of NC and it's getting so much easier...and those red flags keep popping up. That's why I named the thread Love is colourblind - didn't see em initially and the one's I did I chose to overlook. Feel like such an idiot now. I'm even beginning to think this person may be suffering from some disorder. She acts like a narcissist.

[charley]

Based on OP:

 

It sounds to me like she stung her father and you for money, and tried to put her mother on the hook for money she borrowed from you. I see a pattern of behavior on her part of using other people for money.

 

Be glad to be rid of her and thankful you aren't married to her. Don't we wanting someone like that back. Have some self respect man. Don't want her back. Don't take her back.

[mr_echo]

I heard last night that she's saying that I gave her the money...and she's distorting some other facts to make her look innocent. Sheesh! I'm finding it difficult to cope with the fact that I loved her in the first place...

[mr_echo]

Today I'm crashing because now I've had time too think about it I can see how I've contributed to my ex gf dumping me. A few weeks before I met my current ex, my previous ex phoned me after she had split from her current bf. This was a year after NC-ing her. Anyway, I did my best to console her etc. etc. Then a few weeks after I had begun the relationship with my current ex, the previous ex phoned me again. This time I told her that I had met someone and it was serious. Lo & behold, the previous ex turned up at my house, ostensibly to hand in a set of house keys which I had actually forgotten about. Problem was I was away at work and my current ex answered the door and it really freaked her out, understandably. I explained the situation to her and she seemed ok and said she was just a silly girl (which she is btw). However, my current ex asked me to sort her out properly which I promised to do. Fast forward a few weeks, the previous ex called me again and begged me to see her. I thought this was my opportunity to sort it out once and for all. The meeting was particularly difficult as the previous ex was pleading and begging. I reiterated that I was in a serious relationship and we should not see each other ever again. Unfortunately we were seen by a work colleague who immediately reported me. My current ex was furious. I hadn't had a chance to tell her that I had sorted the situation and she said that she felt I was cheating on her. TBH, I just wanted to forget about the previous ex but my not telling her clouded the relationship I now realise.

 

This all occurred at the beginning of last november. Meanwhile we were still getting on quite well and she took me to Poland to meet her parents. I had a fantastic time there and became part of the family. I was sooo happy. On returning from Poland, I think things began to go wrong in my current ex's mind. She began to give less and less in the relationship and take more and more. Then I got a very difficult work contract which allowed me less time to devote to her. It was at this time that I determined to get the engagement ring but as soon as I tried to discuss my current ex nipped it in the bud by saying she didn't want jewelry. I think by this time she had, perhaps rightfully, certain trust issues with me, although I remain totally committed to her.

 

Fast forward to January: I think she began to formulate plans in her mind for a split but I was so busy at work that I couldn't concentrate and was mostly unaware. During this period, I had to work for 12 hours a day and at night she was pressuring me to help her fill jobs applications in and sort her CV out, often for 3 or 4 hours a night. One night I said I was too tired to do it and went to bed. She was most displeased. I now realise she had one foot in the out door. At the end of January, she had to go to Poland for a court case where her biological father was suing her for taking maintainance payments for University in Poland when she shouldn't have been doing. She asked me to lend her a large sum of money which her mom/step-dad would reimburse me. Well she went to Poland and almost immediately the tone of her txt messages changed. I began to suspect I may never see her again.

 

I was kind of right because on her return she dumped me and I reacted like a typical moron. How could you do this to us etc etc.

 

Breakups are never easy are they She basically said that we will be better off as friends than a couple. In fact she said many confusing things such as "I'm not selfish or egotistical, I just do what "I" want" and "It's one small step from love to hate" and, curiously, that she stays intouch with her ex's (wish I'd known this earlier) Also, she had to get her head together and that it would be better for me if she went back to Poland. Anyway, after 20 minutes of this I said I needed to take time out and go for a walk. On my return she had moved out and I was utterly devastated.

 

The present. The week after she left I was angry and we exchanged some nasty txt messages, accusations, calling each others' behaviour etc. the usual bs. Man how stupid I've been I never meant for any of this etc. She has now completely turned against me and is so cold, indifferent and mean. I probably deserve it. Anyway I sent her one last message by way of apology wishing her future happiness etc.

 

I stopped txting her over a week ago but I've since run into her twice by accident, even though I'm trying to keep out of her life and give her space. The first time I bumped into her, I apolgised for the txt messages and she accused me of being drunk (I wasn't but had had a few beers and I don't normally drink much - this is one of her dislikes). The second time we bumped into each other, she did say she would txt me when she was ready to talk. However I think the chance of this is so remote as she says it's all my fault.

 

It's now day 3 of NC and I feel like an absolute fool as I have lost the love of my life due to negligence and stupidity. I'm blaming myself too now. I know she's no saint and has taken some enormous liberties in the relationship, financially and otherwise. But I don't blame her for that as I'm in a good career and she isn't (yet). She does have some jealousy issues, and I have abandonment issues due to a childhood incident. There were times were I felt she was using me in a competition with her best friend, who had got engaged. Over the last few days I've been posting on here and I fear I may have been a little hard on her, not examining my own short-comings. Total guilt

 

I really don't know what to do now apart from accept and move on. God this feels so bad. Never been through something like this before and I'm in my 40s. I just know we're never going to get back together now. I feel so deflated. Life sucks.

 

For god's sake everyone do not do what I have done.

 

P.S. Last week she said she was going back to Poland this week. But I've been told that she isn't now.

[kate111]

This blaing yoourself thing is kind of a stage. I went through it too and probably will again.

 

It's a rollercoaster. You go from blaming them to blaming yurself, to sadness, to hate, who knows what is next.

 

I suppose this is why no contact is the best. To get your emotions in check. Tell yourself you will evaluate it and come to a decision in 2 months. That is what I am doing.

 

At the end of the day though, she called it off. She wasn't willing to commit. All relationships take wrk. They all have ups and downs. Nobody is perfect all the time. The thing is the ex was not willing to put the work in, or willing to try to actively fix things. She was happy to abandon things.

 

You have to try to think of this as her lss and try to get revenge in the best way. By getting up and moving on. Changing your life for the better and showing her you don't care.

 

Cripes, I should take my own advice. Easy enough to give it out.

[mr_echo]

 

You have to try to think of this as her lss and try to get revenge in the best way. By getting up and moving on. Changing your life for the better and showing her you don't care.

 

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by the above? her Iss? Revenge? I agree I should change my life for the better and I will but I do care about her...

 

I respect her decision even though it hurts I see it as necessary for her as well as me. It's just that she hates me now and NC is best for us both.