We're engaged... But he didn't propose.

[Scotcha]

At the risk of sounding immature and bratty I'm really looking for some advice from someone much wiser.. And maybe with a different perspective too.

 

My boyfriend and I talked about marriage. It was in our future. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told him I wanted a ring. (I'm not one for subtleties.) He said it was a "possibility". We went ring shopping together after that.

 

So I know by now when it's going to happen. And that was fine with me, I didn't need a surprise. I just really wanted him to propose.

 

So I opened the box on Christmas morning and it's beautiful. I'm holding the box smiling.. Waiting for him to say something.. He didn't. So I handed him the ring and asked him if he was going to say something.. And he put it on my finger. I really wanted to hear something.. Anything really.

 

After that we were getting ready to go over to his mother's. He was telling me all these sweet things he was going to do, all these cute and romantic ways he was going to propose. I started bawling.

 

Then he took the ring back and said he was going to do it right. That's when he proposed and asked me to marry him. But I was already so sad that he hadn't said something sweet to me before hand and I was still crying when he did it. What made it worse was that he had thought of sweet things to do but decided not to.

 

No one really knows about this. I lie when people ask me how he proposed. Everyone wants to know what he said and how he did it. And they always ask me if I cried. I'm just disappointed.

 

I'm still hurt about it honestly. It makes me sad. I knew his proposal wasn't going to be a surprise.. But I thought I would at least get one, you know?

 

Part of me wants to ask him if we can try again. You know.. Give him the ring back and have him surprise me with it later. But I don't even know if this would help. I don't know how he would take me asking that of him either.

 

I know it's not the ring that matters. And I know it's not really the proposal that matters either. It's the marriage that counts. And we're going to have a good one. We really love each other. I guess I just looked forward to being proposed to and it didn't happen until I cried about it not happening.

 

I don't really know how to move forward from this. I mean, I don't cry about it all day long or anything. But when I think about how he proposed it still makes me sad. And I hate lying about it to all my friends and family.

[Scout]

Scotcha, I have long suspected that more people end up getting married as the result of a mutual discussion than a formal proposal. Seriously, I really think this.

 

My boyfriend and I had talked about it before, but it was sort of a nebulous, "give it a year or two" kind of discussion. Recently, I found out I was pregnant. He said, "Maybe we should go ahead and get married." I replied, "I guess this means I'm not getting a proposal." LOL. Anyway, I told him I want to get married when we have the means to do so, and that will not be until after the baby is born. WAY after. So...long story short, I bet we'll just decide on a mutual date at some point, and we won't have a proposal, either.

 

Really, I think a lot more couples than you realize kind of come to this decision together instead of an official proposal sparking it.

 

I do understand your feelings, though. We gals get these fairy tale ideas crammed in our heads from the minute we're born, and it places an awful lot of expectations on things. But really, you're right...it's the marriage you think you two will have that matters.

[Beec]

Then he took the ring back and said he was going to do it right. That's when he proposed and asked me to marry him. But I was already so sad that he hadn't said something sweet to me before hand and I was still crying when he did it. What made it worse was that he had thought of sweet things to do but decided not to.

 

If he took the ring back and asked you to marry him, didn't he propose?

 

Anyway, I had an agreement much like you did. We spoke about it and agreed and picked a date, even put a deposit down for the reception. However, I knew she wanted me to ask, and made a point that I had not yet. And I knew that was what she wanted, and kept putting it off until I could do it how I wanted to. In this case however, he does seem to ahve asked, jsut not how you wanted, and it's also seems that you did not tell him you wanted a real proposal.

 

I think you can be a little disappointed, but i also think you need to keep your focus on the idea that this man, who you love and loves you, wants to marry you.

[rocio]

Focusing on this kind of thing can distract from what really matters. Don’t expect a fairy tale engagement, wedding, etc. unless you want them to turn into a nightmare.

[Scotcha]

I guess I just looked forward to being proposed to and it didn't happen until I cried about it not happening.

 

I know he proposed. But like I said, the only reason why he asked me was because I was crying because he didn't ask me when he gave me the ring. It's hard to be happy about a proposal when you're crying.. And not crying tears of joy either. He wasn't going to do it.

 

He knew I wanted him to propose. That's why we were waiting for Christmas. I asked him if he was going to propose, if he was going to think of something sweet to say. (That was my way of letting him know it was what I wanted.) He said he would.

[Batya33]

Unless this triggers some underlying important issue between you I would work hard at letting it go. As far as the prying people - just wink and say that it was beautiful but that it wasn't exactly G-rated so you'd rather not go into details.

[Scout]

Unless this triggers some underlying important issue between you

 

Just out of curiosity, Scotcha...does it?

[Scotcha]

Hmm.. In a small way it does. Or maybe it's in a big way, who knows? I guess it would really just boil down to insecurities I have.

 

But he just called me from work and we had a good conversation. (He knows I've been upset about this lately.) I asked him if we could have another shot at this whole proposal thing. And he said, "Thank God you asked!" Apparently he had wanted to try again too but didn't know how to ask me for the ring back.

 

That's not to say that we're calling off our engagement. Really, we've been engaged since we decided to get married which came before both the ring and the proposal.

 

Anyway guys, thanks for listening to me vent!

[Scotcha]

PS.. CONGRATS Scout!

[Scout]

Thanks, Scotcha! It's still very early, I'm only eight weeks.

[EvaGina]

My ex and I were engaged, but it was just somthing that grew over a time... no one ever asked anyone.

 

he bought me a ring one day when we were in this fantastic little jewellary shop, and when we walked out I asked if it was our engagement ring... he said yes, that it was much more fitting than the LOTR ring he got me from the gaming convention

 

I never really cared, although it DID make it seem like less of a deal, which is sad.

Now I say I used to be engaged, but I almost feel like Im lying.

[Scotcha]

Eva After reading this and what Scout said.. I do feel maybe a little bit silly for being sad. At least it is not as uncommon as I thought. Movies had me believing otherwise. What's it called? Cinderella Syndrom?

 

I'm kind of excited though, knowing that he's going to propose again. Maybe that's a little bit silly too but... At least we keep trying until we get things right!

[justpaisley]

And I hate lying about it to all my friends and family.

 

It might take you a while to get past this, but tell them the truth.

 

My husband and I had already discussed and mostly planned our wedding by the time we went to get the rings. Right after we bought them, we were in the parking lot and he made this big production of looking at all of the rings. When he finally got to my engagement ring he got this big goofy grin on his face and I yelled "*full name* if you're about to propose to me you had better get out of this car because I will not be proposed to over a stick shift." Sure enough he did and I said yes, lucky for him. We lived in southern California, beautiful beaches and mountains all around, and he proposed to me in a parking lot.

 

I was a little disappointed, but I saw the potential humor in the story right away. When your family asks you, just say "Well, he handed me the ring and didn't say anything," then laugh. "Well, I DID say all I wanted for Christmas was a ring!"

 

What if his next proposal isn't absolutely perfect? It's not like you're going to be surprised when he does it again. The next time he takes you out for a fancy dinner, you're going to be expecting it and if he doesn't do it, will you be disappointed?

 

Take the ring back, apologize for making such a big deal about it, and try to insert a little humor into his botched proposal. If you want every detail of your proposal, engagement, wedding, and marriage to be perfect, you're setting yourself up for a life of disappointment.

[EvaGina]

 

its got to be better than my parents!!

 

"Im pregnant"

"oh, I suppose we better get married then"

[Aurian]

My parents got engaged in a similar way. They got to the point where they knew they were going to get married and Dad never proposed to my mother. They've been happily married for 35 years now, and she still teases him about it

[Scotcha]

Paisley80, It's not that I want every detail to be perfect, not at all! It's kind of hard to explain. I would've been happy if he had simply said, "Will you marry me?" Saying anything would have been better than saying nothing. It's the nothing that hurt me... Maybe I am being picky because he did ask me afterwards.. But the "detail" I'm upset about is that I was already sobbing. I did apologize to him, about over reacting a tad bit.

 

I finally told someone the truth too, which was kind of a relief. She thought it was pretty funny actually and she thinks it's even funnier that we're going to do it again. I guess it kind of is.

 

If his next proposal isn't perfect.. Well.. I won't care, mostly because I know it won't be. He wants to do this over again too. He chickened out because he was afraid of being corny and he regrets it. I know it won't be a surprise either but that's okay. I'm impatient and never could wait for a surprise anyway.

 

Paisley80, Eva and Aurian, I keep feeling sillier and sillier about this! (And that really was what I was looking for when I started this thread!) This is the first time I've ever been able to see humor in our "situation" and it feels a lot better than being sad. Thanks guys!

[JoeWho]

I bet you guys will be able to look back at this in like 10 or 20 years and get a good laugh out of it.

 

There are always at least two ways to look at something. While your initial engagement may not be the great story book engagement every girl is looking for, once he does it a second time, don't you two have a great and funny story to tell everyone?

 

IMO you will eventually get more then you ever asked for!

 

 

Congratulations on your engagement and I wish you guys the best!!!!

[justpaisley]

Scotcha - I'm really glad you're starting to see the humor in the situation. Some things that seem really horrible at the time are just comedy waiting to happen. I know the proposal was botched, and most girls want a nice, romantic proposal (I know I did!) but I love the one I got because it's just so "us." I love telling the story.

 

Don't feel silly, it's just one of those things to add to the arsenal of stories you'll tell your kids and grandkids.

 

But just for fun, when your boyfriend pops the next proposal on you, give him a little scare. "You know what, honey, after the first one, I'm going to have to think about it. I'm sorry."