Trouble in Marriage

[lisam09]

About a year ago, I agreed to take in one of my husband's college roommates when he fell on hard times (lost his home).

 

It's been a year and his friend has not made any effort to improve his life. At first he was paying rent to help with the bills, but then he lost his job and hasn't paid rent in almost 9 months. I've told my husband over and over again that I'm tired of giving up my house, my privacy and hundreds of dollars a month for someone who is doing nothing for himself and is intruding in our life or marriage.

 

I love my husband dearly, but he will sit there and "feel sorry" for his friend and come up with a thousand excuses of why he's not doing anything with his life and quite frankly I'm tired of it.

 

We are paying for his friend's food, shelter, clothing, bills, and everything else for the past year. He doesn't say thank you and he makes no effort to get a job. On top of all of this, his friend lost his driver's license because of a DUI and his time to apply for it again isn't for a few months. He has no way of getting to a job even if he were to get one because we live in a remote area away from public transportation.

 

His friend also brings over his married girlfriend and her teenage kids, who eat our food, sit in front of our tv, and take up our house, and he expects me to deal with this.

 

So last night we had it out on Valentine's Day (of all days) and I told my husband that if I didn't love him so much I would already be gone. He acted like this was "shocking news" and the first he'd heard of such things.

 

I think he's finally realizing I am *serious* when I say that I'm tired of having five people in our home and marriage instead of two. I also told him if that he's not gone by Spring, I'm gone.

 

It's a real-life, "You, Me, and Dupree" and I'm sick of it!

[Beec]

I think you've seen and feel the stress that this is imposing on your marriage and life. Your husband probably does not feel it as much and feels that he should take care fo his friends. This friend would probably be much less of a burden if he helped more and showed appreciation, but telling him to do so should not be needed.

 

I think you need to keep reinforcing the message you gave your husband. Think about it and put a date on it. I would give him a couple months. That seems like a while, but it's tough to tell someone they will be homeless in less than a month or so.

[Jetta]

Well you set a deadline, make it known to your houseguest (not sure what to call him). Set some ground rules, as in no visitors. It's not his home he doesn't need to have visitors and it'll be an incentive to move out. Apply some pressure to the houseguest. Don't let this ruin your marriage.

 

Since he has a DUI, can you offer to take him to work if he gets a job? Better yet does he have a bicycle, or do you have one he can use? Does he have family he can go live with? Give him a deadline.

[robowarrior]

There are two kinds of help that you can give to someone. 1 house is on fire, people scream for help ,you bring a ladder ,they are able to escape, a real emergency takes place.

 

2. people who abuse your good intensions.

 

I think that initially what your husband has done shows that you are married to a wonderfull person who doesn't allow people to go down the drain that he cares for.

 

But its taking too much time, and personally im very shocked that the friend took that married woman into the house, and that you and your husband or at least your husband agreed with that.

 

So is this an emergency or is this abuse of help? I think that initially it was an emergency, but it has turned into abuse of your help. What is going on in your household is downright rediculous. You must end the situation, its indeed him out or you out, and in your shoes i would make sure it wouldn't be you. Chase them out.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You are absolutely, totally, completely, 100% right to get him out!

 

there is no question that this is a freeloader who is taking advantage of your husband's and your good will. People like him will always find yet another reason to not be responsible for themselves, and someone to use. A decent person would be doing everything they can to get back on their feet and take care of themselves, and to NOT impose on a good friend for one second longer than was necessary.

 

Give him a specific date when he has to be out, no more than one month away, and don't listen to any excuses. Let his married girlfriend take care of him, or his family or WHOMEVER... LOL!!! Not your problem at this point, and shame on him for trying to make it your problem and make your husband feel guilty or like he owes him something after all this kindness.

 

Be prepared for all kinds of whining and excuses and anger, but stand firm. If you have to, pack his stuff for him, send it to a storage facility you have rented for a couple of months for him, then change the locks.

 

If your husband won't stand behind you 100%, then he and his buddy can move out and rent an apt. together, that your husband pays for.

 

Time for you to have a normal family life, and a freeloader in residence is just spending money that should be going towards your own future, and causing stress in your marriage. NOBODY is worth wrecking either of those for...

[ghost69]

you need to speak with your husband deeply about this one. i understand it is a great friend to him. don't deny that when you talk to him. but let him know how much hinderance this puts on you and the relationship. be simple, but firm. you need to get the point accross. i'm sure you want to be with your husband ALONE and not feel like there is someone in the other room. it's your life as in 'you' and yours as in 'together' not yours as in 'yours and the other guy'. you will never grow as a couple with this situation.

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[assumeLove]

Oy! What an uncomfortable situation that must be.

 

Here's my suggestion. Instead of making it you vs. me, make it us vs. a problem. Tell him you will help him honor his commitment to his friend, but you can no longer do it by letting the man occupy the living room and deplete your bank account. Then invite him to think through, with you, some other ways that might work.

 

If at first you can only think of two options (he stays or he goes), throw in some completely off-the-wall options, like "we rent out this place and all move to a place where he can walk to work, until he can afford a place of his own" and "we take in laundry, enough for eight hours of work a day, and he washes and irons it and we keep the profits, until he can get a license to find a better job and a new home." Talk about what's good and bad about those ideas. From there, you two will get to a solution that pulls you together, instead of pushing you apart the way you vs. me thinking does.

[Rabican]

id give him 30 days. Thats more than fair after all you have given him already. Simply tell him he has one month to find a job and move out. IF he hasnt found a job, he must still move out. He can freeload off of someone else. Its not your job to support him. Its one thing if he wasnt costing you anything except a spare room. But to be feeding him and enabling him to be such a loser.... no no no. End that right now.

[ghost69]

you do need to give him the boot. 30 days? i don't know about that much time. 2 weeks maybe. but this guy definitely needs to go. he's not your kid.

 

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[Iceman26]

you do need to give him the boot. 30 days? i don't know about that much time. 2 weeks maybe. but this guy definitely needs to go. he's not your kid.

 

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I think by law you have to give 30 days, even to someone who isn't paying rent.

[ghost69]

by law? i think not. this is their place. he is a visitor and they aren't this guy's guardians.

 

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[Iceman26]

Regardless in a situation like this would be viewed at as a tenant/landlord relationship, because he has paid them money at some point in time for staying there.

 

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[ghost69]

i don't think that applies here. there was no verbal agreement to the terms of his 'stay'. he is unwelcome and should be kicked out.

 

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[Iceman26]

Ir depends on the state. Here is another story of a friend that stayed and wouldn't leave, claiming "tenants rights".

 

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[caro33]

Oh my lord.

 

I agree with the others, this is an intolerable situation. It's such a shame that your generosity can be turned against you and then cause problems in your marriage.

 

I agree with the poster who said to try and make this a problem for you to solve as a team. Have you already tried that but your husband wasn't committed?

[lisam09]

Thanks for your replies! Here is an update:

 

My husband is now starting to realize how bad this situation is getting. Last weekend our "guest's" married girlfriend, his 16 year old son and his friend were over for 3 days straight.

 

We have a futon in our basement and one of our "guests" broke it, not accidentally either. My husband was soooo angry. It was an $850.00 piece of furniture and now he has to deal with either replacing it or getting it fixed. He is making them fix it and/or replace it I might add.

 

He finally agreed this is a MAJOR problem and gave him until April 1st at the very latest to get out. He enjoys his friend's company and I don't think he realized it was such a burden until I pointed out our bills and how much we are spending on our "guest" when he doesn't want to work or do anything with himself.

 

I organize the bills/finances at home so when I showed him how much we are losing he was surprised.

 

I am happy we are finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Will keep you updated on how things go!

[Iceman26]

Glad to hear he is on board with you! Good luck.

[ghost69]

that is awesome. glad your husband finally noticed. this situation needs to cease. oh and colt, the tenant thing is complete garbage. whatever law maker proposed that and got it passed in legislation is an idiot. whoever voted to pass it are idiots too. that whole thing is bs.

 

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[Iceman26]

I agree with you on that Ghost, I think it sucks.