How Do Dumpers Feel?

[This is Horrible]

do they feel anywhere near as badly as we feel?

[melrich]

For sure some do. If it has been a meaningful relationship most people will miss and greive the good parts of that relationship.

 

I read somewhere once that it takes "dumpers" anywhere from 3 months to a year from the time hey decide to break up to actually doing it. A lot of people agonise over the decision.

 

What can seem like indifference is often a result of the dumper having "prepared" themselves for the break up during this time of consideration. For the dumpee it is often a shock and this compounds the emotions.

[lifestream]

It's absolutely brutal. And the thing about being the dumper is YOU'RE the one who has to live with the fact that you broke it off, that you'll feel more at fault because you called it off. The dumper will have more time regretting the relationship if the feelings are ever rekindled.

[danina]

Hm, I wouldn't call myself a dumper in the classic way, cause I didn't dump my bf for typical reasons like no feelings anymore, met someone else, need time for myself etc..but cause I could not live where he was and i was killing myself trying, so to speak. So I decided I could not go on and we could not go on like this. For now, we would have made each other more and more unhappy. I am the "dumper" cause it was always up to me to make the decisions - to come and try to live with him, to see that it is not possible now and end it.

But trust me, I feel as horrible as most people here on this forum do! I still love him, of course. My feelings for him haven't changed. i am heartbroken and desperate. Plus it kills me that I have to hurt him.

I can't compare myself to the people that have been dumped cause I have no reason to feel betrayed or left and my self-esteem and pride doesn't have to suffer, but on the other hand I can't feel anger and rage.

Don't know if that answered your question...but I also know dumpers who dumped their partner because of the typical reasons and they have been suffering, too! Especially if it was a serious and long realtionship. even if you don't love someone anymore, it must be hard to end it, cause it was a companion for a long time, you did love that person and you have memories and things you shared etc.

[Aurian]

I was the "dumper" in an abusive marriage and I still felt guilty and awful about having to do it. If there are emotions involved, I don't think it is ever easy to shut off the emotions and listen to logic alone.

 

Logic says that a relationship can't work if you have different goals, want non-compromisable things (one wants kids, the other doesn't), or if there is a lack of respect.

 

Emotions aren't logical though.

 

A dumper might reactly coldly though, because they have prepared themselves for doing so and may also have temporarily shut off their feelings in order to get through the actual dumping. Still feels like * * * * afterwards though. You don't go into a serious relationship expecting it to end.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

When I ended a four relationship a while back, I felt alwful. I hurt too. Plus, I was hurting months before the relationship ended. I was hurting because I knew I did not love him anymore, hurting because I was scared of hurting him, hurting because I felt an incredible amount of guilt for even entertaining the idea of breaking it off.

 

And after I ended it, I cried...a lot. I wondered how he was doing, felt awful for hurting him, for turning our lives upsidedown. I wanted to know if he was okay. My body hurt do bad due to all the stress, I remember my joints aching really bad.

 

So, I feel that in many cases, dumpees have a misconception that dumpers have it easy, they feel nothing, no remorse, and could get on life as if nothing ever happened. Sure, I feel some might feel that way but in many cases, they hurt too, very much so. But what you rather have, be duped, be strung along with the other that no longer loves you? And for the other to feel miserable and trapped? Everyone deserves true happiness and to be loved. Breakups are a part of life, unfortunately. However, pain can elicit growth and change.

[Honey Pumpkin]

For sure some do. If it has been a meaningful relationship most people will miss and greive the good parts of that relationship.

 

I read somewhere once that it takes "dumpers" anywhere from 3 months to a year from the time hey decide to break up to actually doing it. A lot of people agonise over the decision.

 

What can seem like indifference is often a result of the dumper having "prepared" themselves for the break up during this time of consideration. For the dumpee it is often a shock and this compounds the emotions.

 

 

That's a really good point - I liked this, thanks for posting. It makes a LOT of sense, that if someone has kind of already gone through these emotions, they are in a different place to you when it's finished. Sort of already gone through the grieving and upset for the relationship, and just feeling a sense of relief that they have made their decision.

 

I must remember this - I think this is a good piece of advice.

[Parsley]

I read somewhere once that it takes "dumpers" anywhere from 3 months to a year from the time hey decide to break up to actually doing it.

 

Agh, I hope it can be under that too! My ex broke up with me after 4.5 months.

[numbhead]

I read somewhere once that it takes "dumpers" anywhere from 3 months to a year from the time hey decide to break up to actually doing it.QUOTE]

 

i think ur spot on with this theory... it was,, (lookin bk) just over 3 months for my ex to hit me with it!.. and i kno all the reasons why she made herself stop loving me.... because she is a very selfish, imature and easily lead person!

 

i think this only counts for longer term relationships tho!!

[kellbell]

Yup, it took me a year in half to end it.

[pacopaco]

interesting thread. I think the same things. I was cheated on, and I wonder, if hurting me was the best thing she did. Partying, and going on, etc. A year later, I'm still having a tough time meeting people, and I haven't quite gotten to partying. She told me she felt regret and sorry, but I couldn't believe it. I still don't. I think she covered it all up by taking it to the party stage.

[terk2021]

Great question! I have been on both sides of this one. There is some truth to having some sympathy for some dumpers out there. However, some people have either gone through problem childhoods, bad relationships, feel that they never deserve to be happy, or simply fear committment.

 

When I was a dumper, most of it had to do with fear of committment, or not being ready for one. I am male, and men tend to be more harsh in a breakup. I feel the last relationship I had where I was broken up with had more to do with her having a very troubled past, and ultimate fear of a life long committment.

 

I look back at the way I ended some relationships, and to be honest, I feel bad about it. I think a lot of it has to do with growing up, and having to be truly dumped to really understand what it feels like. I think then people get an understanding of what they are about to do, and the best ways to go about it...

[drum4god]

It all depends on the situation.

 

There are some times the dumpers do feel regret, but more times than not, its just they are hurt they hurt you, or they feel guilt. They will miss your company, they will miss the attention you give them, but its not what we need.

 

My girlfriend dumped me the day after Christmas, and I heard she was taking it pretty hard. But all that means is she feels bad for me, and perhaps some guilt. I don't need pity. I need love, and for whatever reason she didn't have it for me.

[DizzyDoris]

Right now im feeling horrible.

 

Im feeling confused, and wondering if i made the right desicion or if i was a little too hasty. It's early days since we broke up and im starting to doubt my desicion and keep thinking what if we could have worked things out, maybe discussed things better, what if he was the ONE and i gave up on him too easily?

 

Aaaagh, i think i prefer getting dumped? aaaagh the're both horrible......im becoming a nun

[chalero]

I was the "dumper" and I feel I have lost a best friend....why does it hurt being the dumper??? Is it like an addiction and it will be better in 21 days?

[NYCB]

Stick it out- don't give in and don't go running back to try and restart things.

 

I had a laundry list of reasons why I needed to dump my girlfriend and even so, I kept wondering if I'd made a mistake during those first few days. Stick it out - that's a natural reaction and a result of conscious or un-consious co-dependency. What worked for me? I made a list and printed it out of all the terrible BS she had put me through. Everytime I began to doubt my decision, I pulled it out and read through the list. It works very well.

 

I still feel horrible, even though she was wrong for me. She really had issues and was abusive, but I still loved her and it hurts to see her with someone new so quickly. I know deep down it's a rebound for her - and I like to allow myself to truly grieve and move on (I don't rebound) but it still hurts- even as the dumper.

[betrayedgirl]

Agh, I hope it can be under that too! My ex broke up with me after 4.5 months.

 

Mine dumped after only 2 weeks and he did say it was painful for him too! whatever!

[SuperDave71]

I say they feel with their hands and toes...

 

 

Just a hunch...

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Donster]

My ex, over the course of a year or so, couldnt decide to dump me or stay. So instead, he decided to keep hurting me again and again so that eventually I had enough, got sick of the situation, and told him that I was done. I still consider myself the one who was dumped, and my life has been a breath of fresh air since the relationship ended.