Boyfriend's ex-girlfriend asking for money

[muimui]

My boyfriend was in a four year relationship with a woman before we started dating. At the moment, she calls and e-mails him multiple times a day, asking him to come back to her. She also sends pictures of herself in lingerie to him (I know this because she sent them to me too). None of this bothers me. I know being in a four year relationship and having someone end it with you has to be difficult.

 

I am not ok with the fact that she asked him for money and he has no problem giving it to her. If she needed money to help pay for her surgery, the rent, help out her family, that would be perfectly fine. But to use it to buy herself clothes (he knew this) just doesn't sound right to me. I brought it up to him and he said that he felt obligated for how much pain he put her through by breaking up with her. This leaves me a bit confused, as he told me he left her because he was unhappy for a while and he finally realized he needed to do something for himself. Breaking up with her, at the time, was what he needed.

 

I told him that this bothered me and he said he wouldn't give her any money. I believe him, but I am now questioning whether or not he's, 1) truly over her, 2) with me because he wanted someone and I was easy to get, and 3) actually in love with me as he states.

 

Am I worrying about nothing?

 

Perhaps I'm just being dumb, but I know hearing replies from people will make me feel better. Thanks for any help.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. How long have you and your bf been dating? Personally, I don't think I could tolerate this situation. I would walk, and I would let him know why. I don't know quite what is going on in his head, but he is clearly not detached from her. I agree, he shouldn't be giving her money randomly. If that is what he does, please give me his number. I want a new iPod. Maybe I can hit him up too!

 

also, how long have they been broken up. He can't control how many times a day she calls, but he certainly can be more serious about putting his foot down, telling her to stop calling, and not giving her money. so that makes me suspicious if he is really over her.

 

I would be very careful. Stop seeing him until you are confident there is no more funny business with his ex.

 

PS - Ummm..... you don't find the fact that his ex is sending you photos of her in her underwear kind of ..... INSANE?????

[in_the_mirror]

i''m sure he is still a little hurt from the relationship, but i wouldn't doubt how he feels about you....i do however think he needs to do no contact with her cuz this girl sounds a little on the crazy side sending photos of herself to him on a regular basis. that is not normal ex behavior. talk to him all together about how you feel...he is the one that is going to be able to put your heart at ease about all of this.

[cantexplain]

so which one of these smiley icons has its little foot being put down?

[renaissancewoman101]

Breakups happen and people get hurt, so your bf's helping her out with money because he broke up with her and feels guilty about it, that doesnt sound right.

 

I get the feeling he still has feelings for her, else he is just a doormat and letting everybody walk all over him.

[Lady Bugg]

Yikes...

 

Well, how long have you been dating him?

I can't tell you how HE'S feeling but if he just got out

a four year relatonship and his ex is still in the picture...it doesn't

look good right now.

Even if he is giving her money out of guilt...that means she is still able to manipulate him in some ways...which to ME means he is still

somewhat emotionally involved with her.

 

Just my take...

[annie24]

Yikes...

 

Well, how long have you been dating him?

I can't tell you how HE'S feeling but if he just got out

a four year relatonship and his ex is still in the picture...it doesn't

look good right now.

Even if he is giving her money out of guilt...that means she is still able to manipulate him in some ways...which to ME means he is still

somewhat emotionally involved with her.

 

Just my take...

 

I agree. It sounds like he is still emotionally involved with her. even if it is out of guilt or whatever, it does NOT sound like he is ready to be in a new relationship right now.

[DN]

If he wanted to be with her all he has to do is leave you and go back to her. That's what she really wants.

 

But he hasn't done that. He just gave her some money, most probably because he feels sorry for her or because he feels guilty. But that is a far cry from having romantic feelings for her. Especially since he said he wouldn't give her any more.

 

It is a mistake to assume that just because a man gives a woman money that he wants her just as it is a mistake to assume that if her does not give her money he does not want her. Don't confuse generosity with love.

[muimui]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

My boyfriend and I have only been in the relationship for a little over a month. I know this is not a long time, but I honestly feel more comfortable with him than I did with my past boyfriend, who I was with for four years.

 

My boyfriend broke up with his girlfriend in October but she was in denial. I guess that would be hard to understand, due to the fact they were living together and he continued living with her when we started dating. (That didn't last for long. They were also trying for kids.

 

We started dating in January but had known each other for a year previously.

 

Perhaps I should tell him to tell her to back off a bit, but I feel so sorry for her.

 

 

Oh, and Annie, she's only asked once and he told me about it and I expressed my feelings. Sorry about the iPod.

 

PS - yes, it was very weird, but I know she just wants him back so it was an act out of desperation. It bothers me more that he probably looked at them than her sending them for me to see.

[Akatea]

I used to have the same feelings about my BF and his ex. But we have been together for three years now, and I CERTAINLY wouldn't change a thing. Sometimes feelings take time to not feel anymore. The thing was that I knew what I was getting myself into when he and I started dating. He had only been out of his four year relationship for about six months, so the feelings were still there and still raw. It takes time hun...

[sleex]

i bet she looked fat in the pictures. Just kidding.

 

but really I dont think you should break up with him over this. She's clearly a loser and its no doubt he probably does feel sorry for her. They did date for 4 years, thereforeeee you cant expect them to go NON CONTACT right away. My boyfriend remainds friends with his ex girlfriend, and is actually taking pilates lessons from her (dont worry im trying to get over it but really if youre confident in the fact that he loves you, and cares for you then no one else should interfere with that. I wouldn't push talking about it - as it might make him weary about your insecurity, just feel sorry for her.

 

and i agree with some previous posts, she's clearly desperate for him to go back to her, and if he wanted to he would've already. a break up means its broken!

[finewhine]

OK, don't jump on me, but

 

1. You started dating someone who lived with his ex-girlfriend of FOUR YEARS

2. You think your boyfriend is over her

 

I agree with whomever said she's a nutter for sending you both pictures of her in lingirie - BUT - there was no gap between the time they lived together and your relationship. The fallout from such a long relationship lasts AT LEAST several months, irrespective of whether or not he was the one to do the dumping.

 

Call me crazy, but how the heck could he be over her? They were trying to have a kid! A kid! They were that serious!

 

Maybe he sends her money because he hasn't detached from her! How could he?

[caro33]

I'm completely with finewhine here. Four years and trying for kids is a really big deal.

 

Yes, the fact that someone sends money doesn't mean a deep and abiding romantic love. It could be guilt, it could be generosity.

 

What makes the difference are the other circumstances. Muimui this is a significant ex we are talking about here, and it would be completely understandable if he has feelings for her that mean something. That's not to say he will go back to her, or that he loves you less, but in my opinion you need to try and hold a part of yourself back here until enough time has passed and everything has settled. They are still redefining their new relationship and it might take a while.