Why do people break up?

[distroyed one]

Those are just an excuses, like lack of communication in relationship.. Come on, lets get serious, cheating is not consequence, it is the cause.. Some people are just cursed to look over and over for their own imaginary pleasure that they never find, hurting other part that is left behind.. If someone likes flirting and got nothing against cheating then a priori good communication is not possible.. That is my own experience and those are situations I see around me.. Relationships break down because there is one that loves and there is other one that although he or she has boyfriend/girlfriend keeps looking further whats on market.. And eventually goes away and breaks the heart that loved him.. You know what is the saddest part? They usually have happy life collecting other peoples love wherever they go.. I think it is their attitude towards the life that makes them love just themselves leaving empty shells behind..

It should be illegal to do that..

Normal persons can overcome problems and bring communication and understanding back.. It is so silly saying " Oh you know, you don't understand me so I cheated on you"..

[olena]

Do you guys think that people break up because they want to be ALONE not in a relationship so that they can make decisions for their life?

Do you guys think that if two people love each other enough, in the long run once those decision have been made, they can get back together and try to make it work?

 

Olena

[need2bme]

Olena: My only thought about getting back together, is how much can be swept under the rug. Regardless of what the reason is for seperating, can all be forgiven in the end? Also, will you even want him back, once you have had a chance to heal and look at things objectively?

[savoie]

the only time i ever cheated was when i was in high school. i kissed another guy (at a party) while in a relationship.

 

with that said - i would never cheat again. i would end the relationship - but at the same time - i am not married nor do i have children.

 

i think there are two types of cheaters. first, there are those who enter into a monogamous relationship but are not satisfied in being with just one person - and they act on it. but, and i believe more commonly, there are those who seek intimacy outside of their relationship because of something that relationship has turned into. it isn't as easy to walk away from a situation you are no longer happy with when there are children and other issues involved. that is a painful place to be in and i feel for those who feel trapped in a marriage without love - and the need to keep a family together.

 

don't get me wrong - i believe that it is poor judgment to act on the urge instead of trying to communicate and understand the problem and resolve it together. but i do think that there are cases where if the marriage was on solid ground - the affair would not happen. i also think that it is equally damaging for a partner to withdraw their love, support - intimacy from another. i hate the concept "cause and effect" in these situations.......it is really more like a correlation.

[Coniston]

Okay, on the theme of why do people break up?: I've been reading a bit lately about the whole idea of givers and takers and have been moved in that direction after feeling like my relationship was essentially one giver and one taker. In fact, there's actually been quite a bit of research done on this recently where the view is that people's brain chemistry is different, and givers and takers need to learn to recognise that's how they can be, and that their partner has other needs which are quite different to their own. Anyway, on this theme, I think that a reason for people breaking up is that some people can feel taken for granted. It doesn't sound like much but, as I get older, the number of times I hear it is quite surprising. And I think that once you are on that road the relationship is going no-where. What do others think? (I'll expand on this in my other post.)

[Openheart1]

In my experience, people tend to break up due to unrealistic expecations. Where there are unrealistic expectations regarding who the other person is, there is miscommunication, insecurity, and lack of respect. For me, while some kinds of expectations are natural and in many ways beneficial, it is when they start to dominate your vision of that other person that becomes problematic. For me, two people who genuinely, and I MEAN GENUINELY love one another, do not say "let's break up and I never want to see you again." Period. If they do say that, they are deceiving themselves as to what true love is.

[cantexplain]

Okay, on the theme of why do people break up?: I've been reading a bit lately about the whole idea of givers and takers and have been moved in that direction after feeling like my relationship was essentially one giver and one taker.

 

 

Interesting add to the thread.

 

I have been reading a bit about Narcissitic Personality and Borderline Personality disorders. I wonder if the takers are those afflicted with such an inability to reciprocate love, and the givers are those of us vulnerable to these types of lop-sided relationships.

 

In this case of givers and takers, I wonder if us givers just need to be more comfortable about asking for what we need, and more ready to move on and without regret if we find ourselves with significant needs unmet in an intractable situation with one of these "takers".

[baddasslegend92]

Maybe too many expectations are placed upon all of us to think that it's 'the way' to stay with only one person the remainder of our life?

 

People change and how can one expect that the other will change in sync and/or accept that change the other individual made/went through?

 

What if we question the norm/the expectation to stay with one person the remainder of our lives? What do we really want--'oatmeal' or variety?

 

When the going gets rough--do we really want to tough that out or start again--to feel that romantic rush (which always feels great)?

 

Kinda funny..relationships always feel great at the beginning, then as time pass something seems to happen.Either one person feel more in love when the other person feel the same or less etc.In every relationship I try to keep it spontanious, just seem the other person get's bored after awhile..that's unless im not trying hard.Relationships are so hard,there really no way of figuring it out.

[baddasslegend92]

I'd add one that I think is quite common, if relatively unspoken

 

(1) Disappointment.

 

I've lost count of the number of times I've read about breakups, and what it has amounted to is one person discovering that the other person is not who they thought they were or hoped they were (sometimes after the honeymoon stage, sometimes when they make a discovery about something such as cheating, sometimes simply as time goes on). This leads to them breaking it off and continuing the search for someone to match up to the image.

 

can someone please explain honeymoon stage to me?I was dating a girl before and she told me that the honeymoon stages are over.Guess that was a way of telling me her behavior is her true colors.So I broke it off.how can you keep the honeymoon stages going?

[This is Horrible]

can someone please explain honeymoon stage to me?I was dating a girl before and she told me that the honeymoon stages are over.Guess that was a way of telling me her behavior is her true colors.So I broke it off.how can you keep the honeymoon stages going?

 

i think the honeymoon stage goes with being infatuated with eachother...when it is all fun and games- nothing to worry about.

 

for my recent ex and i, the honey moon stage lasted for the first 5 months. everything that happened was right. we never fought about anything and everything seemed like it would go on that way forever.

 

after the 5 month point we began to encounter problems and conflicts. both of us did an awful job of handling these problems and conflicts and although we loved eachother until the end, these problems led to the relationship's demise.

 

we always said we would try to talk stuff out and compromise when we didnt agree, but looking back, we didnt compromise. one of us got our way and the other was mad and it always led to a fight. as time went on the fights got worse.

 

as i said, we loved eachother until the end, but love alone is not enough. it is now 6 weeks after the actual breakup and i am finally letting it go. it hurts to let it go, but the more and more i think about it, the more and more i believe it was the right thing.

 

another thing i have learned is that i am really thankful that she was in my life for the 19 months we were together. the first 4 weeks after the breakup i regretted ever being with her, but looking back, she taught me a lot of things that i will use for the rest of my life, she provided me with some really, really amazing moments that will always have a place in my heart and most importantly i will grow from this and be a better person.

 

she allowed me to love in a way i never thought i could, and she loved me the way i never thought i could be loved.....but i believe the relationship brought out not only the best in us, but also the WORST.

 

for the future, i am going to work on fixing all the things i did wrong and not repeating them and only letting my best come out.

[baddasslegend92]

So you don't think you guys could try again and make it work?I mean I am in the honeymoon stages with my new girl now.I am so scared that it will end up like you said yours ended.What would you suggest??and what have you learned?

[This is Horrible]

So you don't think you guys could try again and make it work?I mean I am in the honeymoon stages with my new girl now.I am so scared that it will end up like you said yours ended.What would you suggest??and what have you learned?

 

i cant tell you if you guys will work. one thing i can tell you is dont live in fear that it wont work. give the relationship 100% at all times and if you guys are on the same page, then it will work.

 

when i was in the honeymoon stage, i was convinced i was going to marry this girl after the third date we went on. we went to dinner and hung out in Manhattan until about 5 AM. we spoke about everything that night....our goals and aspirations for the future...and everything seemed compatible, so i was convinced that i wanted to marry her. my problem has always been that i fall for the girl very, very fast. i really do not analyze situations with females well, and i do not look for things that may hold us back. i also have always sold myself short. i consider myself a really good person and a really good looking person. i am not tooting my horn about my looks, but when people always tell me i am so good looking, i take their word for it...

 

now that i have a clear head and i can think back on things rationally, to answer your question, i honestly dont want to give it a try with her again. that wasnt my sentiment a few days ago, but i have realized a lot in the past few days- most importantly that we werent compatible on certain things and that was too big a road block to make it work, and trust me, we both tried soooooooooooo hard to make it work. the only thing i can say is that some things just arent meant to be and thats what we are at the end of the day.

 

as for you and your new girl, just enjoy what you have now. i told you not to live in fear- i really mean that. i was afraid of a lot in my most recently relationship and my ex was as well. projecting the future with negative thoughts will cloud your thinking and make you act irrational. my best advice is to live in the present and enjoy your company with your girlfriend. if no issues come up then dont worry about it. when issues do come up, make sure you talk about them and come to a conclusion that makes both parties happy. that was another problem w/ my ex and i- we never came to an agreement when there was a conflict and that brought out the worst in us. it got really ugly at times and you dont want to put yourself through fighting like that. it takes a toll on you so much.

 

basically, you just need to be yourself and if it's meant to be, its meant to be. it wont always be easy, but if you guys are meant to be together, you will be.

 

i hope this helps.

 

good luck to you!

[need2bme]

I don't want to get too off track in this thread, but I too would try not to worry about stuff. Even the Bible states it doesn't add a cubit to your stature.

 

Now I am one that worries about it all. In fact, it caused huge issues between myself and my ex, but to let you know one thing for sure...

 

all worrying will do is make whatever you think will happen, a self fullfilling prophecy. We always create what we think about. In fact, you will act and read into things incorrectly sometimes, all because you believe something is true, because it is what you worried about.

 

Just have fun...

[need2bme]

What if we question the norm/the expectation to stay with one person the remainder of our lives? What do we really want--'oatmeal' or variety?

 

When the going gets rough--do we really want to tough that out or start again--to feel that romantic rush (which always feels great)?

 

HW: I get what you are stating here, but at least for me (when I felt this way) I thought it might be indicative of a bigger issue, in that I thought I was settling. I always thought the grass was greener.

 

I also found that I had a real problem with intimacy.

 

However, if your thought were to be the norm for some people, wouldn't we simply jump from person to person with that thought going in?

 

I find myself attracted to many different women and that has to be a problem within me, not in some of my relationships. I won't discount that when I really meet someone that pops for me, I may not be looking elsewhere, though.

[baddasslegend92]

Thank you I really needed that.

[cantexplain]

Here's something new I am running with - I will share.

 

If a relationship is based on fear in one, the other, or both - things must be fixed in someone or both. If based on mutual affection which is not fear-based, keep going with the flow.

 

So listen for the fear?!

 

Add to the list: fear?

[need2bme]

CE: Isn't fear about COMMUNICATING with yourself?

 

OK, I couldn't resist, but I think it is true to an extent.

 

I am afraid of things, because I don't like myself. The only way to like myself is to communicate issues either with myself or with an SO.

[baddasslegend92]

Just an update!!She broke up with me on Valentine's day...Why do love have to hurt so bad and suck!!!!

[cantexplain]

CE: Isn't fear about COMMUNICATING with yourself?

 

 

Sure, one recognizes fear and thus can listen to that. Recognizing the fear, then one can make adjustments.

[melrich]

If a relationship is based on fear in one, the other, or both - things must be fixed in someone or both. If based on mutual affection which is not fear-based, keep going with the flow.

 

Yeah I get what you are saying. That could come under a heading "Imbalance".

[JadedStar]

After a few years here and many of observing friends, my list of break up reasons in order of frequency is,

 

1. Communication problems

2. Growing apart

3. The relationship is taken for granted (gets stale)

4. Abuse (mental or physical)

5. Cheating

 

What do you think? As much as cheating is such a headline subject, my feeling is it's not a major cause of relationship break ups? Or it is often a symptom of one of the other reasons I listed.

 

 

I think cheating is often a symptom of one of the above except in the case of habitual cheaters who will just do it no matter how good the relationship is.

 

What about sxual problems Melrich? Based on this forum and others i have been on like it this seems to be a huge break up reason. This could fall into category number three but might be big enough to warrant a reason on its own.

 

(I have not read all 13 pages of this thread so if this has been discussed already my apologies in advance)

[melrich]

What about sxual problems Melrich?

 

Yeah that is the difficulty isn't it. What is a symptom and what is the cause.

 

I think often we are asked to address symptoms and people don't really examine the underlying cause.

[JadedStar]

Yeah that is the difficulty isn't it. What is a symptom and what is the cause.

 

I think often we are asked to address symptoms and people don't really examine the underlying cause.

 

It's almost like the which came first - chicken or the egg analogy. Which came first - the communication problems or the sxual problems? Or which came first - the sxual problems or the growing apart? SOmetimes it is harder to pinpoint which were the cause and which were symptoms.

 

And then of course it varies from couple to couple.

[melrich]

Yeah, that is what I was trying to opinpoint in my list, "causes" not symptoms. I like 1,2,3 and 4 but think maybe 5 is more a symptom of the others. I quite like can'texplain's note because I think imbalance is another cause.

[vasilias]

For some couples, the prob drift apart beacuse of a lack of communication. Even for the ones who are commited and wouldnt dream of ending the relationship we probably dont communicate effectivly. Nothing is ever perfect but I must admit i took my relationship for granted and didnt effectivly communicate to my ex just how important they STILL were to me. Got to that point where i guess i wrongly didnt think i needed to say thing beacuse i assumed they'd know... my ex began doubting their feelings for me i think becuase they felt unimportant beacuse i didnt say/do the things to make them feel important. They didnt comunicate back effectivly that they were unhappy.

 

I also say effective communication beacuse i think we all do perhaps try and put messages accross to our partners, but we do it too subtely or in a silly way... that 'silent treatment' when we are anoyed but doesnt actually convay why we were angry and could then be read by the other as 'gee their in a mood today, whats their problem?', or even 'i missed you' when in fact what we mean is 'it was awful not seeing you and i need to see more of you.' Messages get lost in translation.