Why do people break up?

[melrich]

After a few years here and many of observing friends, my list of break up reasons in order of frequency is,

 

1. Communication problems

2. Growing apart

3. The relationship is taken for granted (gets stale)

4. Abuse (mental or physical)

5. Cheating

 

What do you think? As much as cheating is such a headline subject, my feeling is it's not a major cause of relationship break ups? Or it is often a symptom of one of the other reasons I listed.

[need2bme]

#1, first and foremost.

 

I think that numbers 2, 3 and 4, can sometimes be attributed to communication.

 

How many times have you seen people who seem so compatible and say after the breakup that they really tried, when neither side really tried and kept it all status quo?

 

If people could just learn how to say how they feel and mean what they say...

[melrich]

Yes communication is a bit of a catch all.

[renaissancewoman101]

I think a lot of times breakups happen because of incompatibility or loss of feelings. When that happens, the person who lost the feelings is confused about it and doesnt know how to deal with it, but doesnt want the other person to know, so puts on the act that everything is ok. That is why it may appear to outsiders and to the other person that everything is hunky-dory and then breakups happen when the person gets the guts up to leave.

[melrich]

Yes Ren. I'd be tempted to put growing apart at number 1. When you think about it, meeting someone and having your interests and passions evolve at the same rate and in the same direction over a long period of time has an element of luck about it.

[TheRedQueen]

Yes communication is a bit of a catch all.

Yup, as cliche as it sounds, it's 100% absolutely true.

 

Just today over lunch my sister and I were discussing the absolute importance, and necessity of persistent communication between both parties, in order for a relationship to have any chance in succeeding.

[need2bme]

Yes, growing apart should be in there. However, in my experience, when someone approaches me about trying something different, I usually end up liking it. That would include books, art, therapy or whatever.

 

Also, it has been my experience that the people I have been most able to build relationships with, were those that would at least talk...

[renaissancewoman101]

sometimes communication styles between partners are TOO incompatible and that leads to breakups too.

[melrich]

Yup, as cliche as it sounds, it's 100% absolutely true.

 

Yeah, my real intent in posting was about cheating. There are so many posts here from people with trust issues, worried about cheating etc. yet my feeling is cheating is not a major cause of break ups.

 

I wonder if it is those perceptions about trust and the potential for infidelity that often causes issues in communication?

[melrich]

when someone approaches me about trying something different, I usually end up liking it.

 

Yeah, where I have often seen growing apart is people meeting at a stage of their lives where their focus is one thing but over time their focus shifts in different directions. Say they meet in their early 20s and it's all about partying and having fun. But by mid twenties, one of them is on to the next phase, say career building whilst the other is still in the party mode.

[cantexplain]

Maybe communication is too much of a catch all. More detail required for that category?

 

Isn't it also possible to have excellent communication and one or both decide things aren't working?

 

I'd also like to add to the list that it could have nothing to do with any of those items listed - one person is just not ready to settle down - they want to explore!

[renaissancewoman101]

or else one person wants kids and a family and the other doesnt at all.

[need2bme]

I wonder if it is those perceptions about trust and the potential for infidelity that often causes issues in communication?

 

Definitely!! I know that the EX of my EX totally was after almost the WHOLE time we were together. Because of this and because of the fact that she had to see him a few times to either let him down gently or because he was a friend of the family, it sometimes caused me to feel a lack of love.

 

Also, when someone will not communicate with you, but can communicate with others or friends, it ultimately ends up making you feel small and unwanted. The whole words vs. action thing.

 

Yes, if I were as secure in my relationship as I was in the beginning, maybe it would have been different. However, in the beginning, I did not have to worry about him or some of the other things we never talked about.

 

Had she communicated with me and showed me how much she cared (another form of communication) we would have been much better off.

[cantexplain]

And two people can have different interests. Growing apart must mean something more like not caring enough to work together in a spirit of mutuality, honoring one another's differences and blending them together like colors on a paintbrush.

[melrich]

one person is just not ready to settle down - they want to explore!

 

For me in making that list I probably though of that situation being under growing apart, being at different life stages (cos you sort of assume that when the relationship started they were in a similar place).

 

Isn't it also possible to have excellent communication and one or both decide things aren't working?

 

Yeah for sure. I mean just because you communicate well does not mean you are always going to maintain the passion for the relationship. But I think if you don't communicate well the relationship is likely to break down eventually almost regardless of what else it has going for it.

[melrich]

Had she communicated with me and showed me how much she cared

 

That's interesting. I once thought I was communicating how much I cared but I found out later that was not the message I was giving out. But that is another story.

[need2bme]

Dr. Phil (yeah, I know) says we need to figure out how the other person shows love.

 

The ex used to always say to me, "I love/loved you in my own way". I guess there is some truth in that.

[cantexplain]

or else one person wants kids and a family and the other doesnt at all.

yeah that's a biggie and should be added to the list.

 

At my age I have decided this is not an issue, because so many great potential partners already have had kids or can't.

 

So if added to the list, I'd say that knowing your partner's position on this issue early on is important so both know how far the relationship can go before getting too attached. thereforeeee it is then maybe not a reason for a break-up - BACK inthe "communication" column. Or in the "not communicating about family column."

[TheRedQueen]

Relationship and communication, at least in my world, can almost be viewed as analogs, or, better yet, communication could be viewed as the bridge between two people that essentially founds their relationship.

 

The stronger the communication is between two people, the stronger their bond, and hence their relationship will be.

[melrich]

says we need to figure out how the other person shows love.

 

I think that is really true. And you also need to figure out how the other person fights, how they re-energise, how they be happy, how they relax etc etc.

[anggrace]

For me its been...

1. Taken for granted

2. Communication problems

3. Abuse

 

I think cheating comes after any of the things you listed are not addressed.

In most cases anyway. It also happens because people are selfish and imature. Just my opinion.

[melrich]

The stronger the communication is between two people, the stronger their bond, and hence their relationship will be.

 

And communication in that sense is verbal, physical and emotional.

[melrich]

I think cheating comes after any of the things you listed are not addressed.

 

So don't you think you see far more posts here from people worried about cheating than you do from people who feel they are being taken for granted?

[cantexplain]

I'd also like to add to the list that it could have nothing to do with any of those items listed - one person is just not ready to settle down - they want to explore!

 

For me in making that list I probably though of that situation being under growing apart, being at different life stages (cos you sort of assume that when the relationship started they were in a similar place).

 

Ah, so maybe someone was dishonest with their partner about where they are at, or dishonest with themselves in some cases.

 

Or they failed to communicate this - which is dishonesty through omission.

[TheRedQueen]

And communication in that sense is verbal, physical and emotional.

Yes, of course, I'm talkin' Communication with a capital C.