Why do people break up?

[hosswhispra]

They get tired of no variety? I don't know...it's like if I had to eat oatmeal everyday for the rest of my life kinda deal, perhaps?

[anggrace]

So don't you think you see far more posts here from people worried about cheating than you do from people who feel they are being taken for granted?

 

Yes I do. I think people sometimes don't realize they have serious problems in those other areas or they dont choose to look at them till someone has cheated.

[renaissancewoman101]

Hoss, I agree with you. Sometimes people want variety and arent committed enough into the relationship.

[melrich]

Ah, so maybe someone was dishonest with their partner about where they are at, or dishonest with themselves in some cases.

 

I think that happens a lot. Let's face it. When you first meet and start seeing someone you like, the chemicals are juicing your head. You say and respond to that person with body language and words that address all the things you have in common and this may obscure or push into the background some key differences that maybe you should be thinking about.

 

Buut you're never going to get every decision right.

[cantexplain]

For me its been...

1. Taken for granted

2. Communication problems

3. Abuse

 

I think cheating comes after any of the things you listed are not addressed.

In most cases anyway. It also happens because people are selfish and imature. Just my opinion.

 

 

No I disagee. Cheaters use these problems as excuses for some additional behavior. If their realtionship doesn't work they need to get out and try to find someone more appropriate. Then they have not added this problem to the list. Cheating must be added to their relationship's list of problems. This is separate behavior.

 

I believe that cheaters are cowards who either sabotage the relationship, or experiment to see what it is like how they feel with another; then realize their other partner is better, want to come back, and often finally project fault on their partner or relationship, rather than take responsibility for their betrayal and dishonesty.

 

Sorry, I don't buy that and won't date someone who believes this way.

 

DANGER> RUN AWAY!!!

[melrich]

I think people sometimes don't realize they have serious problems in those other areas or they dont choose to look at them till someone has cheated.

 

Sometimes the fear that someone will cheat on you may actually be used as a security against thinking about what is really wrong in your relationship.

 

Of course many people do get cheated on.

[anggrace]

I think in many cases people break up because one person has stopped putting in any effort. One person can't make it work, no matter how bad they want it. Why they give up? Probably a number of reasons. Its a bit discouraging to see people give up so easily.

 

I also think people get in over there head without really thinking it through.

[lifestream]

For me it was #1 and #3.

 

I felt like I had more ingenuity in the relationship than my ex did. I felt like I tried to keep it more fresh than she did...and once her anxiety took over, that was it. Communication was lost.

[anggrace]

No I disagee. Cheaters use these problems as excuses for some additional behavior. If their realtionship doesn't work they need to get out and try to find someone more appropriate. Then they have not added this problem to the list. Cheating must be added to the list. This is separate behavior.

 

I believe that cheaters are cowards who either sabotage the relationship, or expereiment to see what it is like how they feel with another; then realize their other partner is better, want to come back, and often finally project fault on their partner or relationship, rather than take responsibility for their betrayal and dishonesty.

 

Sorry, I don't buy that and won't date someone who believes this way.

 

DANGER> RUN AWAY!!!

 

Notice I also wrote that people cheat for other selfish reasons that have nothing to do with the above.

[cantexplain]

I think that happens a lot. Let's face it. When you first meet and start seeing someone you like, the chemicals are juicing your head. You say and respond to that person with body language and words that address all the things you have in common and this may obscure or push into the background some key differences that maybe you should be thinking about.

 

Buut you're never going to get every decision right.

 

Yes, honesty is learned behavior.

[melrich]

They get tired of no variety?

 

I can see this fitting into "Taking for granted". You can inject variety with someone you have been with for 5 - 10 years. But often people just take it for granted "Oh we have been doing the missionary position for 10 years now, he /she is not going to want to do things any diofferently".

[TheRedQueen]

Yeah, but getting cheated on is a drastic, and dare I say relatively rare form of relationship disintegration.

 

There is always something "missing", lack of honesty, lack of receptivity, i.e. lack of communication, that *leads* to such catastrophic endings.

[hosswhispra]

Hoss, I agree with you. Sometimes people want variety and arent committed enough into the relationship.

 

Maybe too many expectations are placed upon all of us to think that it's 'the way' to stay with only one person the remainder of our life?

 

People change and how can one expect that the other will change in sync and/or accept that change the other individual made/went through?

 

What if we question the norm/the expectation to stay with one person the remainder of our lives? What do we really want--'oatmeal' or variety?

 

When the going gets rough--do we really want to tough that out or start again--to feel that romantic rush (which always feels great)?

[melrich]

Yes, honesty is learned behavior.

 

Yeah I am not so sure the behaviour I am describing there is dishonest. It's pretty natural when two people meet for them to gravitate toward what they have in common and maybe ignore the things that would make then an unsuitable couple or may ring some warning bells.

[melrich]

Yeah, but getting cheated on is a drastic, and dare I say relatively rare form of relationship disintegration

 

That's what I think. To an extent it's a bit like worrying about dying from hand grenade schrapnel whilst loading your body with luncheon meats. (maybe not quite so extreme).

[cantexplain]

Sometimes the fear that someone will cheat on you may actually be used as a security against thinking about what is really wrong in your relationship.

 

huh?

 

Are you saying here that people who suspect cheating are in denial about other problems?

 

Sounds like a cheater's psychobabble to me.

 

I still say that cheating is separate behavior that should be added to the list!

 

I am probably misunderstanding you here, but I am trying.

 

Oh here is another one: not really trying.

[renaissancewoman101]

Hoss, I again agree with you. Sometimes it's hard to tough things out in exchange for a new relationship with that first flush of a romance. That's heady stuff and people spend lifetimes trying to recreate that.

[melrich]

Are you saying here that people who suspect cheating are in denial about other problems?

 

No. Cheating is a reality for many people. What I am saying is that more people seem to worry about it as an issue in their relationship than the number of people whose relationships actually end because of it.

 

It is an easy and tangible thing to be insecure about. It's easy to hold on to issues about trust but it is not as easy to identify and express concerns about say, growing apart. So maybe there are people who know their relationship is not quite right and they divert their energy into worrying about something that is reasonably tangible rather that address the true problems in the relationship.

 

I'm not saying that happens but it is some sort of explantation to me as to why infidelity is such a headline issue but in my view not a major cause of relationship breakdown.

[cantexplain]

Notice I also wrote that people cheat for other selfish reasons that have nothing to do with the above.

 

I am just trying to keep cheaters responsible for their separate and additional bad behavior of dishonesty and betrayal. It is what it is. My feeling is that its a power that some people learn to have an appetite for.

 

Cheaters I've observed also act-out in ways like this to punish their mates. That is controlling. I feel badly for people who have so little self-esteem they put up with this power that a betraying and dishonest person puts over them.

[anggrace]

I hear ya Melrich. Its an interesting thought and a posibility

[hosswhispra]

Hoss, I again agree with you. Sometimes it's hard to tough things out in exchange for a new relationship with that first flush of a romance. That's heady stuff and people spend lifetimes trying to recreate that.

 

Yes Ren, I grew up thinking that there was only 1 person in the world and that we would meet because it was fated to be that way. Embarrassing as that is now to admit....I was guilty of believing in magical thinking.

 

You know how in Hollywood the stars are criticized for breaking up and starting new relationships the next day (well maybe not the next day...but rather soon after the conclusion of the prior relationship)--we say, "Oh, that only happens in Hollywood," But is that true? Or do we say that just because that makes us feel better? What if what happens in Hollywood (in terms of the making and breaking of relationships) is truly reflective of what happens in society as a whole? That's just something that I recently started to question.

[anggrace]

I am just trying to keep cheaters responsible for their separate and additional bad behavior of dishonesty and betrayal. It is what it is. My feeling is that its a power that some people learn to have an appetite for.

 

Cheaters I've observed also act-out in ways like this to punish their mates. That is controlling. I feel badly for people who have so little self-esteem they put up with this power that a betraying and dishonest person puts over them.

 

Dont you think that sounds like abuse to punish someone with cheating?

[cantexplain]

No. Cheating is a reality for many people. What I am saying is that more people seem to worry about it as an issue in their relationship than the number of people whose relationships actually end because of it.

 

It is an easy and tangible thing to be insecure about. It's easy to hold on to issues about trust but it is not as easy to identify and express concerns about say, growing apart. So maybe there are people who know their relationship is not quite right and they divert their energy into worrying about something that is reasonably tangible rather that address the true problems in the relationship.

 

I'm not saying that happens but it is some sort of explantation to me as to why infidelity is such a headline issue but in my view not a major cause of relationship breakdown.

 

Oh I see. That sounds like unreasonable jealousy.

 

I've never cheated on anyone and never been involved with anyone cheating. Out of 7 committed relationships I only suspected cheating twice. Both cases I was right. Both cases I later learned this was a pattern in these people's lives which preceeded my involvement with them - had been issues in their past - I wasn't the first person they had done that to.

[melrich]

Yes Ren, I grew up thinking that there was only 1 person in the world and that we would meet because it was fated to be that way. Embarrassing as that is now to admit....I was guilty of believing in magical thinking.

 

Meeting someone that you can spend the rest of your life with I think has elements of luck, sacrifice, hard work that go with the love, passion and friendship. In my experience it doesn't just happen.

[cantexplain]

Dont you think that sounds like abuse to punish someone with cheating?

no why do you think that is abusive? You might be right, I need some help seeing that, however.

 

Maybe its not place to keep them responsible, yes -that doesn't sound as good as it should>It is judgemental. And I don't want to be that way. Its up to the universe or God or whatever to judge us, if even that.

 

My point would be more that non-cheaters need to protect themselves and their families from cheaters. And they need to not blame themselves for this separate and additional bad behavior. They are not responsible for the other's cheating behavior.