Coniston

Hi, Thanks for explaining. No, it's me who has ended it and would prefer no contact at the moment. Unfortunately, we are stuck in the same house for another six weeks or so until I can return North to friends. No, no-where else to go at the moment. Take care.

Hi, It is no wonder you feel overwhelmed - what you are facing is overwhelming. Break things down into bite-size pieces. What kind of resources do you have? Family and friends? Talk to them and tell them you need support and help with what - daycare etc? Are you working? If so, take time off it you can to sort things. Contact a debt counsellor and see if they can help, and then if you can, find a good counsellor to help you. Look at models of therapy and see which one would work. You already have some awareness that you are co-dependent, and awareness is a good place to start. Ask how you can learn to have trust and faith in yourself and know that you can take care of you and your child, even though it is hard. When you can do that, love yourself and take care of yourself, you will feel like being with someone in a different kind of way. Take it easy.

Hi there, Many thanks for the advice. It's helpful and I will search for the book on Amazon. Sorry, I'm a bit confused with "Do no contact. Apparently you should." Can you clarify. Hope things are getting better for you too. Take care.

Hi, I've just ended a relationship with someone who at times could act very selfishly and frequently took me for granted. In the three years that we were together I began to realise that my needs weren't being met and we worked on communication and did councelling, but it's been too painful. I wonder if people can give advice on managing the first few days of breaking up, particularly in the unfortunate circumstance of still sharing a place (I won't be able to stay with friends for about four - six weeks). One friend has said to "tune into you" and really start to think about what I want and need. Any other ideas to help during this painful time would be welcome. Thanks.

Hi, Lostinreading's advice is good. One thing that struck me in your message is "lost the moral highground". That's not what relationships or communication are about. It's about being really open and honest, or trying to get to that open place so you can be close. No-one wants to be with someone who thinks they are superior. You're right, you deserve some explanations and not being cut off. But you probably hurt her in what you said. I think a well thought out letter is a good idea and give her time. Words are powerful and precious, and best chosen with care. By the way, I'm in England and want to check that I'm reading NC right - no communication? Good luck and hope you feel better soon.

Hi, first of all I would like to thank everyone so much for their replies. It's all been really helpful, particularly in the sense of confirming that things are not right. In answer to some questions, no, I don't provide a mealticket, the bills are split equally. Yes, this has been happening more frequently, although it happened at the beginning of the relationship too. I think there is a real problem with quickness to anger, and it needs looking at. It's something we all have as children and teens (she's 41), but something we need to check on as an adult and ask is this justified in this situation. We have had loads of converstions about this til I am blue in the face and even did some counselling sessions for a while. My conclusion now is that she is not comfortable with intimacy and finds it hard to open up. (I am sure by now you are all starting to ask 'What kind of relationship is this?'.) The response that Jeff wrote really resonates with me because I do feel it will affect who I am and my capacity to give if things do not change or if I don't consider something as radical as leaving. Anyway, once again, thanks for everyone's input.

Hi, I am new here and would like people's advice. I have had a relationship for three years with a woman who has a young and challenging son. Much of my life has been geared around her and him and we last year moved to the south of England so he can go to Steiner school. I am self-emplyed and now home-based and so can do a lot of school run, cooking etc. She works two days a week and is heavily involved in school. I have repeated episodes of helping out and spending time with her son yet being left with the feeling of being taken for granted. An example, which is going to sound trivial but for me feels like the straw that broke the camel's back is this: I dropped her son off at school on Wed, and picked him up in the eve, and made dinner; when she arrived home I was yelled at for not helping her bring things into the kitchen from her car (I was upstairs and did not hear her ask for help) and then berated for not having dinner ready when she arrived. This relationship is being destroyed because I want some small feeling of being special and it's not there, and because, ultimately, I feel taken for granted. What do other's think? Do I over-react? Have you had this expereince?

Okay, on the theme of why do people break up?: I've been reading a bit lately about the whole idea of givers and takers and have been moved in that direction after feeling like my relationship was essentially one giver and one taker. In fact, there's actually been quite a bit of research done on this recently where the view is that people's brain chemistry is different, and givers and takers need to learn to recognise that's how they can be, and that their partner has other needs which are quite different to their own. Anyway, on this theme, I think that a reason for people breaking up is that some people can feel taken for granted. It doesn't sound like much but, as I get older, the number of times I hear it is quite surprising. And I think that once you are on that road the relationship is going no-where. What do others think? (I'll expand on this in my other post.)