Where is he when I need him?

[sb_]

Normally I'm just a reader on this site. But today after reading your post, never-too-late, I felt angry. This guy is too much! So selfish! So unreasonable! I can't stand him.

 

Normally the one who initiates the breakup is the one who feels a lot of guilt. But I don't see any guilty feeling on his side. Instead, he is trying to transfer the guilt to you. He is feeling sad, he is feeling pain. So what, isn't it a choice he made for himself? What about your feeling? What about your pain? He said you don't understand him. Does he even try to understand you? What I heard from him is only ME ME ME ME ME ME. A selfish jerk. This world has millions of guys better than him.

 

Never-too-late, let him keep this nonsense for himself. You have done nothing wrong. You have always put 100% hearts and minds into this relationship and although if it fails, you can always be proud that you have done your best. With your good qualities, and with what you have learnt and will learn from this failed relationship, a believe the future is deffinitely better for you, better than what you have had with this guy.

[sleepy2]

Hi NTL, I agree with sb. I know 100% the pain you are going through (am there curently), but deep down, you know what you have to do. You know this situation is not right, that you are getting a raw deal here. My ex used to pull the same bs, "oh, I just need time to see what I want in life." "Its all your fault bc you pressure." "Maybe if you wren't so needy things would be different."

 

Bottom line is, for whatever reason, these guys just aren't capable of a mature, healthy relationship. I fighted this truth for two years now, though the signs were clear from the start. Unfortunately there comes a point where you will begin to accept this and want to move on (don't get me wrong though, there is still a HUGE part of me that longs for a reconciliation!).

 

You have to honestly ask yourself why you're so willing to settle for a man that has such little regard for your feelings that he can desparage your desires for a loving and commited relationship. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY!!!!!! Is it bc all your friends are getting married? Bc you fear that all the good ones are taken? Bc you don't think you will click w/anyone else like you did w/him? I UNDERSTAND!!!!!!! But please know that this man is damaged. I don't even know him, but from the behavior you described, he is NOT one of the "good ones." I can also tell you that this will never change. As long as you allow him to contact you, you WILL be miserable.

 

Please re-read this thread here. Textbook example of patterned behavior. At this rate, the best you are gonna get is frantic, loving contact ONLY when you are pulling away. The minute you engage him in his games, he will run. If you don't aquire some self respect right quick, I gauranttee this thread will continue on in the same vein indefinitely.

 

Has anyone recommended this book for you yet? "Men Who Can't Love." Go buy it ASAP.

 

Please NTL, I know first-hand the heartwrenching pain you are experiencing, I'm in the midst of it myself. Detacting from someone so seemingly integral to your very existence is pure and unadulterated torture. But it is *finite* torture. If you don't make an effort to put yourself fisrt for once, your unhappiness WILL continue...

 

Sending vibes of strenght and healing your way,

 

sleepy

[savoie]

i agree he is selfish. he may also have a committment issue. that committment problem goes both ways - they can't committ to a break up either.

 

if you love him and like him as a person - why can't you just explain to him that you both want different things RIGHT NOW. you need time and so does he. take a breather from each other. it sounds like it is what is best for you - from what you have said. if he doesn't like it tough cookies. remind him of the "space" he has demanded of you for the last several months.

 

on the other hand - if you want to prolong your agony, let him have his cake and eat it too.

 

in the end.......he doesn't want to deal with the relationship responsibilities right now. i don't see you being casual with him - and being comfortable with it. (don't blame you there)

 

so - take care of you right now. it should not be this much work and drama......but sometime people are drawn to that.

[never-too-late]

Hello,

 

thanks for your support and your replies. No I do not want to take space from each other anymore, I have done it for so long and I also would like to benefit from being with someone. He sent me a message this morning saying that it's a shame I do not want to give him the time he needs and I prefer to walk away and have no contact with him. To be honest, these kind of messages make me feel sad and guilty but what another choice do I have? It's too hard for me to have a "sometimes" relationship or contact, I am approaching 30 and I am not 20 anymore, where I wouldn't care as much I guess. When you get older, your priorities are different and you realise that life is going so fast and it would be nice to enjoy the life I have.. but his messages kind of keep me from closing the door. I just don't understand what he means by needing time?

[never-too-late]

I feel sad as he sends me these kind of messages:

 

We can talk whenever you want. It's maybe just temporarily and I will find out that we should be together again.. I don't want you to forget me completely and close the door ok? Please don't be upset I really need this time alone to see clearer, to feel better in my life. My well being is very low during this period of my life and I need to overcome this. There's an evil I need to get rid off. I hope one day it'll be better.I am asking you for your understanding. thank you... and he put many kisses.

 

These messages are breaking my heart..... anyway, I am kind of wishing that this is the last message he sent.. and I can move on in peace without feeling guilty and bad. He makes the end so hard. I feel like in the end after everything I have put into the relationship, he preferred giving up on me. And now he is going to look into the future to see if I was right for him or not..I am so scared he might look back and think I was not a good girlfriend. and he will be proud of him that he left me

[alatas]

Hon, at the end of the day, do YOU think you were a good girlfriend? From what you have posted, it sounds like you were. You were loving, affectionate, willing to discuss things, considerate of him. Heck, you were thinking of relocating to his country even!

 

Your relationship ended for reasons. I firmly believe that if two people are good for each other, there is no need to break up. He doesn't sound mature and unselfish enough to be able to have the sort of relationship you want. It's sad, but that's the way it is. So by walking away from the situation he is doing you a favour - he leaves you free to find the guy who will make you happy and show you very clearly that he wants to be with you and that you rock his world. So what if he turns round in a few months and thinks that you weren't a good girlfriend? Does it really mean you weren't? Of course not - it's his *opinion*. Doesn't make it fact. He himself sounds far from good as far as boyfriends go.

 

If you want to move on, then do. Delete him from your phone, or get a new number. Block his email. Throw away any letters he sends you. It's not all his choice. He can't decide he wants to break up but also keep you around just in case.

 

>> It's maybe just temporarily and I will find out that we should be together again..

 

This just sounds selfish and arrogant...why should it be up to HIM to decide what is going to happen (or not) between the two of you? You have as much to say about that as he has. He decided that right now he doesn't want to be with you (you did not agree with that decision). Does he just expect you to sit back and wait for him to decide what he wants? It's not like that decision affects just him, it affects you too. So while he can *ask* you certain things (i.e. giving him time to decide what he wants, not forgetting about him), YOU can decide whether you want to grant him these things. You don't have to wait around for him if you don't want to and would rather be with him now and know where you stand. You are free to date other men, despite him not wanting you to. He broke up with you - so he has lost the privilege of you being "girlfriend-considerate" of his wishes. Now YOU get to decide what you want to do.

 

I know he is trying to guilt-trip you into doing what he wants; again this is all about him - doesn't sound like he has given much thought how the past few months have been for you, or what he is asking of you now. But he's no longer your bf - so you can decide what you want to do based purely on what YOU want. Be selfish. And please don't let him make you feel bad for wanting to do what is best for you.

 

Best of luck, let us know how you get on.

[never-too-late]

I have not replied to his last message and I am not contacting him. I am just so exhausted. I am so upset with everything, I feel like a failure. I am having a bad today. I feel so unlovable.

[lady00]

My first instinct is to advise you to continue doing NC. On the other hand, I am just wondering if maybe it would set your mind at ease somewhat if you told him that he can have all the time in the world that he needs but that it doesn't make sense for you to wait around and if he ever decides that he wants to be with you then he can contact you and if you are available and interested, then you two can take it from there, then go NC and not wait for him? I don't know. Probably best to stick to NC altogether.

[ghostfreak]

How have you been sleeping recently?

 

I understand with not sleeping well as every night since my girlfriend told me she wanted a break I have been going to bed at 1am ad waking at 5am.

[ladybird_68]

Poor never-too-late,

 

I'm so sorry to read about all this, and I recognize myself in you and your whole story.

 

Just posted a reply in another thread for the first time but I actually think it would better apply to this one here..

It's a very long post but maybe some parts in it it can help you :

showpost.php?p=1636374&postcount=5"

 

Let me know how you get on.

[never-too-late]

Im in tears. I've just found photos from 2 years ago when i went to visit him and his home town, where i met his family and friends. It is just so strange that I am no longer his love. It's so hard to accept. I am so disappointed. I really loved him and wanted to be happy with him

[schueysgirl]

never too late my friend i sympathise with you i feel exactly the same way i just also found some photos too. Try and stay strong we can get through this and deserve better xxx

[never-too-late]

I am having a hard time with moving on. I still imagine how things would have been different if.. I really miss him. He has probably moved on to meet someone else, someone new, someone who he will love. Would it be wrong to contact him? Please help me to keep me strong.

[ladybird_68]

never-too-late,

it's impossible after getting the message to just say ok and move on.

First comes the shock that your worst fears actually have proved to be true and you need to let it "sink in".

Hundreds of unanswered questions will go around in your head and almost drive you insane as there is no solution to the situation. He's shut you out of his life and probably let someone else in. And not just yesterday. He's had time to prepare, you didn't.

 

My LDR-bf behaved almost the same way as yours during the last 12 months, his denial to communicate with me (too tired, always working, tv-programmes were more important ...etc) in combination with getting more and more distant and indifferent over the phone was pure torture to me!

But he still kept my hopes up by sending a text or a mail now and then saying he'd love me and miss me... Why I don't know, but I could feel his heart wasn't with me anymore.

 

And now we're sitting here, can't believe what's happenend behind our back, wonder what we could have done to prevent it and if we could still do anything to save the relationship ...

 

But think of it: what can you actually do?

1) pack your things and turn up on his doorsteps unexpectedly? He might get even more aggressive, he might have someone else there ... could you handle that?

2) send him more emails and texts to get some wishy washy answers to continually keep you from closing the door? This could go on forever and ever, and would just come back to the point where you're now

3) decide for yourself that you suffered enough by always focusing on his wants and wishes, that the kind of LC he's "willing" to put up with is not what you longed for and to start focusing on yourself.

 

Stay strong, never-too-late.

If you contact him now it would lead to more reluctance and rejection from his side and more confusion and hurt for you.

 

I'm on day 2 (again and again) of NC now and there is not a moment where I wonder if this is the right thing to do or if there's anything else I could do. But no texts or phonecalls would bring him or his love back to me. I don't even feel the need to talk to him because I know hearing the indifference or even annoyance ("her again") in his voice would only make things worse for me.

Maybe it helps you to keep away from texting or calling him if you imagine how annoyed or emotionless your bf probably would react.

 

Today I found something comforting in another thread: "... if things don't work out between them (ex+new gf) and he does come back to me, I'll know that's what he wants, not b/c he feels guilty, not b/c of anything I did to make it happen. There is no way that I would ever be able to be confident about a relationship that I knew I "made" happen in any way..."

Think of it, it makes a lot of sense.

Maybe it helps you to stay strong.

 

Good luck, never-to-late!

[never-too-late]

I have not contacted him. But I miss him so much. There is a new guy from work showing interest and he even asked me to go out for a drink tonight but I said I had too many plans this weekend. I just don't want to start anything new, I am too scared and I am still not over my ex-boyfriend. But why is he not contacting me? He must have forgotten about me, he is probably enjoying with new girls... It hurts badly. I am not sure what to do. I really want to talk to him but I know it's for the best if I don't.. but I really do miss him.

[schueysgirl]

that must be a nice confidence and ego boost even if u dont want to persue it further...good on you for looking good! gives me hope that one day a new lad i see will ask me out for a drink!

 

I know what you mean about him not contacting you...i feel the same why hasnt he contacted me...and who he is enjoying things with now it does hurt badly. I want to talk to him too...but whatever he is going to say is not going to make us feel any better...we have to do that ourselves. Im thinking of you mate xxx

[ladybird_68]

After weeks of putting it off, tonight I've been on a date with someone, was nice to be able to distract my thoughts for some hours and have someone to make myself pretty for.

But as soon as I came home and walked through the door I couldn't hold back my tears and the loning for my ex-bf was overwhelming. I so much wanted to receive a sign from him, a text or an IM ... but there was nothing. I'm just SO not ready to meet anyone, even if it's just for fun and nothing serious.

I feel I could cry the whole night through now, I so long for his love, his arms around me, the special way he held me. I feel forgotten about, and wonder who else he got there with him right now and for how long it must have been going on. How far did they get, is he as deeply in love with this other person as he said he was with me? Telling her the same sweet things he told me before ?

Oh god, I wish I could get over it and cut this heartache out of my body. I haven't slept properly for a year, I don't eat properly; i can hardly concentrate on what's said in a conversation I get involved in ... this pain is paralysing me, it takes so much energy to "function normally" in every-day-life that nothing else is left after a days work.

How could I become so addicted to this person's love and attention that losing it makes me want do die.

[gaia_t]

My boyfriend and I are long distance, and we've been together for more then 2 years. He told me the same thing once... That he didn't want to talk to me so much on the phone anymore because it just made him more upset and missing me... I felt kind of offended at first when he told me that, but then I had to realize that everyone deals with these kinds of things differently. Right now, I think we're going through a rough patch... I've basically made up my mind that if we don't start living closer together, then I'm not going to be around for much longer.. it's not that I don't love him, it's just that I feel like if neither of us are willing to move so we can be close together, then clearly there are things that are more important in our lives then each other. This makes me sad, because I would move to him in a heartbeat (and this means moving continents) but I am not so sure about him... and I don't really know if he would want me to move to where he is... I don't think your boyfriend wants to split with you, because he wouldn't be making the effort to move if he did... and when he says you need a change, he probably means the distance. I strongly believe that no matter how much you love someone, there's only so much pain and long distance that anyone can handle before it's just too much... We'll see I guess.. Hope this helped...

[never-too-late]

I missed him so much.. I sent him a message to say I miss him.. I know it was probably wrong.. and I am not sure if he replies.. but I really do miss him.

 

We went out last night with my friends. There were guys chatting me up, flirting me but I just don't find them nearly as charming, attractive, funny as HIM. There is a guy who lives in the same flat, who has been trying to win me over for the last few months and things are actually getting really annoying as he just does not seem to understand that I am not interested in him.. he was there last night with us, and he kept staring at me and at one point.. one of my friends told me that he is upset as others are flirting with me. But he is just pushing me away by being so obviously interested. There is another guy in my flat, who is flirting me, has been there for me while I was going through the bad moments but he is also not what I want. And this guy from work asking me out... BUT there is absolutely noone who would make me go "wow".. I miss my ex-boyfriend so much.. I really wish we could work things out but he chose to leave

[never-too-late]

I have been going through quite a few difficult days. I have been missing him so much! I broke down and sent him a message to say "I miss you". He called me last night and we spoke for 2 hours. It was a calm conversation. He said that he misses me too but for now he wants to be alone. However, he said that he thinks of me very often wondering whether his decision was correct or not. He said that it's quite hard for him as he is not sure whether he has made the correct or not correct decision to leave. I said to him that I need to move on and the only way I can do it is if we don't have any contact. He said that if that's what I think, he will respect it but then he said that if we do that, there is a huge risk we might loose each other forever and there is no chance to get back together later. I told him that I cannot stay in contact with him as I would never move on and I wouldn't want to know if he has met someone else or not. He said that he is not looking for anybody. I said that one day he might and then he won't need to be in contact with me anymore and it would hurt me terribly. He said that if we stop talking, we might find it hard to contact each other after years and realise we still want each other. He then said that he hates to think I could go out with another guy. He said that he would be too upset about it. Anyway, we then have a chat about our jobs and other things.

 

But it is so hard. He is still thinking that one day we might get back together. I am so scared to loose the contact in case like he says it would kill all our chances to get back togehter. I was still crying last night when talking to him, I still love him so much, I am missing him so much. I just really find it hard to move on.

 

There is this guy from work showing interest but my ex-boyfriend is still there in my heart, on my mind.. I am too scared to give my attention to someone else. Also my flatmates are interested.. but I am just not interested in anyone... I love him, will I loose him forever if I stop contacting him?

[schueysgirl]

its hard to say whether his intentions are true from our perspective here of not knowing him at all in person. It could all be true what he is saying but i honestly believe that just because you dont speak to someone for 6 months etc they will never come back...of course they will.

 

Is he just keeping you hanging on? Making sure you are definetly there if he does want to come back? Knowing full you will still be there if he keeps in contact because you have told him you wont move on properly if you do? I cannot give you a definate answer, no one can.

 

But i am 100% sure you cannot lose someone by not speaking to them. If they really love you / care about you they will never forget you if they are meant to come back some day. Better you prepare for the worst now, while your alone now, find your feet and build a new start for yourself, rather than have to go thru all this all over again months or years down the line xxx

[alatas]

But i am 100% sure you cannot lose someone by not speaking to them. If they really love you / care about you they will never forget you if they are meant to come back some day

 

Yup, completely agree!

 

I think he doesn't want YOU to move on, so you're still there and wanting to be with him if he decides that he wants to start another relationship with you at some point in the future. If you don't want to hang around and wait to find out, and want to move on, he needs to respect that.

 

And if you guys are really meant for each other, you moving on and him moving on does not exclude you getting back together. You will probably be slightly different people if that point ever comes, but that doesn't mean a new relationship wouldn't be possible.

 

I agree with you that the waiting would be torture, so if he doesn't want to get back together now it would be better for you to move on (as much as doing that hurts) and work on the assumption that this is it. People in your situation end up having happy relationships with others, and then by some strange coincidence will enter each other's lives again.

 

So I would say: if you want to move on, do. If he doesn't respect that decision, enforce NC and don't take his calls/texts/emails. Moving on now does by no means equal "nothing will ever happen again". Yes, it maybe decreases the odds somewhat (and you never know, YOU may meet a guy that blows you away and means you won't ever want to try again with your ex), but that's all. He seems to take a more pessimistic stance on that though, probably fuelled by the fact that he thinks YOU will move on more readily that him and will not want HIM back at some point in the future. Decide what you want (wait or move on) and act accordingly. Even if he won't like it.

 

Best of luck hun x

[Batya33]

Staying in touch with someone who is not into you enough to be in a relationship with you is what risks you two never getting back together - he won't be able to experience what life is like completely without you or be able to miss you for long enough. Also, it risks having him take for granted that if he wants you back he can have you. Far better for him to contemplate that if he waits too long he might lose you.

[ladybird_68]

I love him, will I loose him forever if I stop contacting him?

 

never-too-late,

I understand the torture you are going through, I've been and still am asking myself the same question.

 

But as hard as it is, I completely agree with varecia nad Bataya33 - waiting and being at his beck and call is not an alternative.

 

These are passages from my last e-mail to my (ex-)bf:

 

"....Whatever it is you feel you have to do, I respect your

decision but it's unacceptable und unfair for you to

expect me to wait around building hopes while you keep

me at arms lenghth for safety and comfort so you can

explore other "options" and find out if you eventually

would fall for someone else.

That would bury me alive.

 

I don't want to lose you either but your fear of

losing me and my fear of losing you is not good enough

a reason for me to stay in contact in a situation

where every little sign from you is bringing me down

and shaking me up.

 

My first priority right now is getting myself to

better emotional places I'd say. It's time for me to

stop focusing on you and your wants and needs as I've

done almost every waking minute since we met, and to

start thinking of myself. ...."

 

I told him not to contact me again until or unless it was in the serious intention to get back together.

After my e-mail he still tried to make contact and texted me: surely a little contact is better than all or nothing.

I could not go along with LC anymore, it was not what I longed for and what helped me going into complete NC after his text 10 days ago was the rage I felt towards him for stringing me along and watching me suffer for a whole year with the same kind of excuses your bf is giving you.

 

An experience I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemies.

 

Don't exposure yourself to more pain.

[schueysgirl]

ladybird: what a brililant email you wrote to your ex. I admire you for your strength in writing that and you are completely right. You cannot sit back and put your life on hold for someone who may/may not come back years down the line. And even if they do and it doesnt work again you will be back to square 1 all over. You did the right thing. By moving on you are opening all sorts of doors and windows to a new life, and who knows who you may meet in months and years to come? If you keep doors and windows closed all you are doing is waiting for someone to come back...and from experience and reading stories on here, more often than not they dont...

 

....be prepared for the worst and get yourself strong, never-too-late and then you wont need him or his sorry excuses ever again.

 

take care hunny xxxx