Where is he when I need him?

[catren]

Good to hear from you NTL.

 

"he said that he thinks if a couple is meant to be, they should only spend great moments together and in our case we don't." What kind of crap is this?? Real relationships take real work and there will always be ups and downs. Love is what is supposed to sustain in those moments even when you don't know how to make it through.

 

I truly believe that people just don't try hard enough to work out relationships anymore. It's easier to walk away than to put effort into keeping it working. If he thinks it's supposed to be sunshine and roses, he'll never be happy in any relationship. Ask anyone who's been together for 50 years if there have been times when they wanted to leave - they'd all say yes!!

 

With that being said, some relationships should end - when there is abuse or when there is no love left.

 

NTL, if he wants the relationship to end, he will tell you. Until then, he's with you and it's not over. Just keep doing what you're doing and give him the space he thinks he needs to clear his mind.

[never-too-late]

The problem is that I feel like I already lost him. He is not smiling anymore, he is not excited anymore and he is not really cheerful. He says it's because he is not happy with the way things are and after all the problems he has no motivation? I just really don't know if this is to save?

 

I am not going to contact him and I will leave him alone. I feel like this is the best thing to do.

 

I think what he meant that a couple should normally spend nice time together and have less problems. But in our case, it seems to be the opposite.

 

I spoke to my dad about it today and he said that it's a shame and that he does understand my boyfriend why he is distant with me. He basically sees our relationship as a problem and he feels like he has no solution than to leave. He said that I should try to focus on myself right now. He said to me that we have had this discussion over the last 3 years so many times and he said that he has told me many times to leave my boyfriend to act in the relationship without being always told that he is wrong or he should act differently. He says that for a man that's a disaster and it does not make him feel good around his woman.

 

I feel like I lost him I think he wants to break up with me but does not want to do it because I basically expressed to him that it would hurt me a lot. I think he is not happy with me at all. I know I should let him go if he wants to leave but I just find it so hard to accept.

 

I have no idea if he is still with me or not right now. He has not told me it's over when he was leaving but he has expressed himself to me this weekend telling me that he is not happy and he feels the best thing is to leave.

[savoie]

i am sorry that you are in this place. but it seems that his doubts about your relationship are very clear. he is no longer saying that his unhappiness is due to work related pressures. he told you that he is unhappy with "the way things are" and that "he feels the best thing is to leave".

 

think about it this way - if you expressed those same words to him - how would you expect him to respond? do you think that he is saying those things and acting this way to get you to change or try harder?.....or do you think that he is trying to gently tell you that this relationship has gone its course?

 

i don't know what to tell you.........if it were me i would ask him if there is anything that i can do to help bring back his happiness with me and our relationship......is there something we can work on together. if his response is doubtful - i think that it is time for you to accept his position and let go. if his response is encouraging - then work on things together. it is clear that neither of you are bringing happiness to the other - right now. if you are strong enough - maybe you can lead by example and his actions will soon follow. hard to tell though. i also think it is alot to ask of yourself - you have been miserable for many weeks now.

 

you just need to decide how much longer you will let things hang. but at some point - you hopefully will have a discussion about what both of you honestly want - once and for all.

[catren]

I think savoie is right - ask him if there is anything you can do for teh relationship. His response should tell you a lot. Letting go sucks and not having control is often immobilizing. You can't control what he does but you can control how you deal with all of this. Maybe you need to walk away if he can't give you what you need.

[never-too-late]

To be honest I don't think it's a good idea to talk about the relationship with him again, especially not at this stage. Don't you think? Anyway, I am not ready to walk away from him. I am going to back off, I won't contact him but the only thing that makes me think if I should contact him is to ask him about his interviews? I don't want him to think I don't care? But at the same time, I don't want to contact him too much just in case we end up in the same situation as before. But I do worry that whatever I do now, it's too late

[never-too-late]

I still have not contacted him. It's the 2nd day. I worry he might think I don't care if I don't ask him about his interviews but then at the same time I want to give him space and after what he has told me I am not even sure he wants to hear from me? I want to leave the contact up to him now. I hope I am doing the right thing?

[catren]

NTL, I don't know if you read my post or not about my ex but we met up last night and I think he wants to try again. He said that me leaving him alone allowed him to realize how much he loves and misses me. We may give it another shot but neither of us is willing to commit to anything at the moment.

 

I think it's okay to contact him about the interviews without mentioning the relationship at all. I can't guarantee that anything will "work" for sure but I've learned that if someone asks for space, we need to give it to them - as hard as it is.

[never-too-late]

Today is 6th day since I have contacted him. I am so worried that it's the end of our relationhip and he will basically not talk to me again and disappear. But I just really want him to contact me first? I just really want to see if he cares about me and if I mean anything to him and if he misses me? But I am starting to worry that when he came for the weekend, it was only to somewhere to stay before going to interviews. He does not love me anymore, he does not seem to care anymore. I am so sad but I just really want to be silent myself this time.

[lost23]

Thank you for posting on my thread NTL. I just woke up with stomach and chest pains and I decided to look at your thread...I read the whole thing.

 

I feel like I am in your boyfriend's shoes right now except that I am not under any kind of stress, except for feelings of sadness i'm having. I feel like my partner has turned the tables and given me a taste of my own medicine (even if she did not do it on purpose). I have felt the agonizing sorrow that comes with being away from her every night..the same sorrow i have caused her..it's like we switched places and this helped me see where i was going wrong. I feel like I am ready to atone for all my mistakes..however I dont think ignoring her is going to fix anything because that was the main reason she broke up with me...I dont think that sending her messages like the way your boyfriend does to you is going to help her either because I would just be repeating your mistakes perhaps...I feel like we are on the same boat except that our positions are all mixed up... I need a strategy.

 

You are doing great for keeping quiet and not bothering your boyfriend..look at all the progress you made. He's still looking for a job around you. come on he wouldnt be doing that if he didnt care about you...when you get together remember what you two used to love doing and start doing it again..maybe he likes a special restaurant..maybe there's a park you two used to walk around in..try to think back..you are doing great but doint avoid any more mistakes because you are still on thin ice..remember that the mind is an amazing tool, just learn to use it. I recommend that you try to take up excersicing because it will clear your mind and balance hormones that will allow you to make better decisions.

[never-too-late]

thanks.

 

Well, I finally texted him asking him about his interviews. I did not ask anything about us, I just asked him how he is. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I was worried he might not reply. Well, not very long time after, he replied and he said he was ok but he lost again and he asked me how I am. I replied to him and told him that I have a new job starting on Monday, he was happy for me and he even made a joke about something we always joke about. He wished me good luck and he told me not to worry about him as he will deal with it. I replied with thanks and gave him a smilie. I am glad that the conversation went this way. What do you think? I am going to continue giving him space, it looks like it works better.

[lost23]

You should keep giving him space..you see how it's working. Keep it up

[never-too-late]

it's Sunday and I am alone. My flatmates are out. I miss my boyfriend so much, I wish I could go and see him. But we met last weekend and I know he is down about his job situation. I just really wish he will become enthusiastic about us again?

[catren]

NTL, it was onlyh after I gave my ex space (to come to some acceptance myself) that he started to be able to realize how he really feels about me. So, I really encourage you to continue to give him the space you''ve been giving him. I know it's hard and that you miss him and the way things were like crazy but stick with it - it's the only was for him to figure out what he wants.

[p_fred]

I just read your entire thread. You have come a long way and become a much stronger person. Congratuations!

 

Keep busy in your life and try not to worry so much about your relationship.

 

Maybe asking about his interviews might not be such a good idea. If they are not going so well (why so many?) then he might not feel so good about them. I don't think he would feel good telling you "I was rejected again"

 

I bet if he has a good interview and gets a great job you will be the first person he will call.

 

Maybe when he calls try to talk about something you both enjoy instead of the relationship and his work problems. Something that is positive in your lifes and makes you feel good.

 

Don't call/txt him

[never-too-late]

Please tell me that i have not made a mistake.

 

So after exchanging our text messages on Saturday, which was quite pleasant, I signed on msn yesterday evening.And my boyfriend was signed too. I put status "away" as I knew he would be busy and maybe not in mood to talk as he is not feeling that great now. He then put status "busy" and for about an hour, we said nothing to each other. He then signed off completely.

 

I got worried he must think I am avoiding him so I sent him a message to wish him good night and I told him that I was not avoiding him, I just thought he was busy to talk.

 

He did not reply at all? He is silent now? what if he is upset now? I want to talk him but I feel like I should not?

[Lady Bugg]

NTL...

 

I think you're putting wayyy too much of your energy in this guy. Seriously.

 

 

Your happiness seems

to depend on what mood this guy is in on a day to day basis. Ask yourself why you are doing this to yourself? He put an "away" message up....that's not a big deal. It doesn't mean anything except that maybe he was busy or maybe didn't wish to be disturbed. Why do you take every nuance or NON response as a personal rejection? This guys actions are clearly speaking volumes to you. Pay attention to that...and NOT what he does or does not say. This guy CAN call you, he CAN email you, he CAN text you...and he hasn't. You can wait it out if you wish...but MY suggestion to you would be to assume it is over unless he makes some SERIOUS efforts to contact you. I don't mean to be nagative..I just don;t want to encourage you to continue in any self defeating behavior...and me advising you to pursue this guy any longer would be just that.

 

Good luck....

[Mavis VDSande]

At this point.... I kind of have to agree with Lady Bugg.

 

As your bf said he was unhappy and he was fed up with arguing. However having pointed out this self-revelation he did NOT suggest to you how you could both work things out. Nor did he explain what it was that was upsetting him about your rels in any kind of understandable detail.

 

Now NTL you have two choices. You either find someone else who you can COMMUNICATE with - when I mean communicate, I mean you can talk to him about EVERYTHING without being scared. Or, you can stay in this rels and give your bf space until he realises that you're too good for him and you have better things to do than cry everytime he breathes.

 

Now, the problem with the latter option is that in order for him to respect YOU, you need to respect YOURSELF first. As Lady Bugg said, you need to get your own life back. You need to live independently from him and be relaxed to he point that you don't mind if he's "away" on msn.

 

It is possible to do either - I mean you're doing well on the NC front, to give him space but then you keel over again and text him, and hope and wish. In order for you to know whether he is looking forward in your rels, you need to let him CONTACT YOU FIRST. But you never do, you always text him just as you're doing really well. So the cycle continues.

 

If you walk away it will be easier, hard in the short term but easier in the long term. I mean, the rels you're in now - is this REALLY your ideal?

[never-too-late]

I will not contact him and I will let him contact me first. But i just feel kind of guilty if I don't ask him about his job situation? I don't want him to think I don't care? He has been going through quite a hard time with this. It affects our relationship I know and I should have been stronger before and I should not have pushed him away from me.

 

I mean yesterday I was on msn and I was the one who put "away" message firts and then I felt so guilty for not saying anything. He then put "busy" status. Today I have not heard from him at all.

 

I know he is quite an honest and a direct guy, he would have told me if it was over completely.

[never-too-late]

I am so scared now that he is upset with me because I said nothing to him last night on msn? Why is he not speaking to me? Why is he silent? It's so hard to stay away from the phone. I am scared he won't contact me anymore.

[SarahRose]

NTL, why don't you just forget about him and find someone new?

 

Has anything really changed with him in the past 2 years you have been in this back and forth with him?

[bear12]

NTL,

 

why don't you just explicitly tell him something like: "i really care about you and want what's best for you, but right now, considering the way you're treating me and all this uncertainty i feel very hurt and confused. i need to watch out for myself and my own feelings, just as you're doing right now, and so i want to let you know that i won't be contacting you anymore. if/when you're reading to talk about us and our relationship, know that i am happy and willing to do so, but until that time comes, i think we need to stop speaking."

 

i really do think not talking to him is what's best for you, and this way he'll know what you're up to and that you're leaving the door open if he wants to talk, but you're being assertive in that you're not just going to sit around and let him treat you poorly in the meantime...

[p_fred]

NTL,

 

Do as your boyfriend wishes and DO NOT CONTACT HIM AT ALL!!!

 

Next, phone up your friends and hang out with them. Don't talk about your relationship or problems.. go have some fun... what do you like to do for fun?

 

Also, how about this guy you were talking about earlier that lives close by? Why not hang out with him as a friend? I think you need to give your boyfriend his space and go enjoy yourself with some male friends (co-workers? your Dad? do you have a brother?) and see how they treat you. Then you can make a comparison in your own mind.

 

Stop thinking about your bf and his reactions/feelings, we are all seeing how you are driving yourself crazy. You need some space for yourself so you can step back and think.

[Mavis VDSande]

I am so scared now that he is upset with me because I said nothing to him last night on msn? Why is he not speaking to me? Why is he silent? It's so hard to stay away from the phone. I am scared he won't contact me anymore.

 

Stop being scared and get on with your own life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

If you keep thinking this way then maybe it's best to find someone who IS on the same level as you and can commit to you the way you want.

 

Clearly both of you are not seeing the same thing and you're on different wavelengths. Frankly life's too short to be scared of a man who's not giving you clarity - so if you can't keep to NC, then tell him how you feel and whatever happens you'll be free of these negative feelings.

 

You MUST stand up for yourself because no one will.

[never-too-late]

I have decided not to initiate any contact. It is actually the hardest thing to do for me but I am trying to see if it makes any change or improvement. It's my 3rd day since Saturday and our last conversation about the interviews. I have not heard from him but I want to be strong. I want to spend some time to think about everything. And yesterday I finally could see some of the points some of you were trying so hard to make. He is not in this world to hurt me or to constantly reassure me or to constantly show me he cares. I should be able to trust it myself but I guess I am now slowly realising that it could be tiring to be constantly asked of someone to reassure them all the time.

 

I have realised myself that when I don't feel like talking or showing happiness, I appreciate when my friends leave me to it, when they don't constantly question me and when they don't accuse me of not caring. I kind of appreciate if they welcome me back after I feel better without bringing it up. I guess I should learn to do the same not only to my boyfriend but also to others. I get insecure and worried too easily and I immediately feel like I need to fix everything to have that control to know that people do like me and care. I haven't learnt yet how to let go. And I guess now it's the time to learn. I know that my boyfriend has got his part but I can also see that the second time when he came back, he was trying hard but I did drive him away.

 

I am aware that it may be late now. He is quiet and he is silent. But I am trying to trurst that he is not doing this in order to hurt me or to make me feel bad. I am trying to think that he is genuinly focusing on solving his problem = interviews, looking for a new job and I guess I could have been more understanding during this time.

[savoie]

"But I am trying to trurst that he is not doing this in order to hurt me or to make me feel bad. I am trying to think that he is genuinly focusing on solving his problem = interviews, looking for a new job and I guess I could have been more understanding during this time."

 

I don't think most people want to hurt anyone. I think that you need to understand that regardless of what his intentions are - if he is ending things between you - I doubt that he wants to hurt you. But I also think that he is unable to be there for you and that is HIS CHOICE. He is choosing to handle things this way and you are extremely unhappy with him withdrawing from you.

 

you can spend all day asking what came first the chicken or the egg - but at the end of the day - are you happy? is he happy? what is left of your relationship?

 

i agree with the posters who have suggested that you need take some control in your life back. you seem to eat, sleep and breath this man - and, at the moment, he is giving little satisfaction to you.

 

if it were me - i would tell him that you understand his inability to be part of a relationship right now and while you wish things were different you, too, need to focus on other things. i would also tell him that when or if he is ready to work on things between you - you will be there for a period of time. let him know that you care very much for him and that you feel this is for the best for you both since your existing relationship is of little support and more of drain.

 

i realize you may not be ready to take this step - but you really need to start taking responsibility for your own emotions. it is easy to put all of your misery on him - as his fault - but the longer this goes on it - really becomes your choice to stay in a loveless relationship. don't hold on to the past and don't think about what the future MIGHT hold. look at what you have right now with him.....and it doesn't sound like much fun to me.