Do you Believe in Monogamy?

[fluffhead]

I am having a hard time dealing with the whole monogamy issue, I am beginning to think that I will never be able to be 100% monogamous, even though I am married. I know that many people feel that this is completely despicable but, hear me out. I have lived in th US my whole life and with my current job, I am beginning to travel quite extensively outside of the US and unfortunately, I am doing so without my husband. Recently, I met a wonderful Israeli man (whom is also married) and although we love our spouses, we also hit it off with each other right away....though I did not sleep with him (and probably will never see him again), I am very concerned that I am committing a moral wrong because I would love to share another night with him.

 

Help!!!

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi there,

 

I've had this conversation before with friends - some were surprisingly open to it, but with 'consent'; ie they could handle an open marriage, but they could not cope with deception. I think I could understand that - I would hate someone lying to me.

 

Personally I am the monogamous type, I must say; and I would be dreadfully hurt if my partner slept around, it would be the end of the relationship. There is the issues of STDs and unwanted pregnancies. But more than that, to me it would be a betrayal.

 

Two questions though:

 

i). Does your husband know that you are sleeping with other men?

ii). How would you feel about your husband sleeping with other women whilst you are shagging your Israeli man?

 

Maybe you're one of those rare couples that suit an open relationship. If not, then you are betraying your husband. I could not square that with my conscience, I'm sorry.

[fluffhead]

I completely understand your point of view with the whole open marriage thing...but, the fact is, I did not sleep with him it is just that I find myself wishing that I would've.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi there,

 

I'm sorry, I picked you up wrongly, I read is as you HAD slept with him. Sorry about that!

 

I don't know, I think we will always be tempted. I know that if Daniel Craig (new James Bond) were to turn up on my doorstep one night, I would possibly contemplate ripping his shirt off and leaping on him. BUT - yeah, there's the but - no, I think you have to be faithful. I just do - that's the point of a relationship. And the fact that it might be hard sometimes, makes it all the more precious to me.

 

Sorry for misreading your original entry though!

[BellaDonna]

I think it is good that you are recognizing your feelings, even if you did not act on them. I think you need to tell your husband how you feel. Is there something lacking in your marriage that causes you to feel unfulfilled and want to stray? It seems that you travel a lot. When you are home with him, do you still feel the urges to stray?

 

I do believe in monogamy- but it may not be for everyone. I suggest that if you truly feel it is not for you, you need to be honest with your husband about that. Perhaps an open marriage can be agreed upon, or you could go your separate ways so you could both be happy. I guess what I would advise against most is hiding this or lying about it. Aside from the emotional damage cheating can do to him, you'd also put him at risk to contract an STD if you slept with someone else and then had sex with your husband. If he is your spouse and is under the assumption that you are monogamous, it puts him in a really vulunerable (and potentially dangerous) place if you are not monogamous.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with the feelings you are having. It's the way you handle them that counts most. It's essentially the difference between honesty or deceiving/hurting another person.

 

BellaDonna

[spikespiegel]

I don't see how anyone who is in love and in any kind of a serious relationship could contemplate being with another person. Then again, that's just me, and I have never cheated on any of my girlfriends, and never would. When I am with someone, I am completely devoted to them, and expect the same from them.

[fluffhead]

It gets to be very trying being away from home so much, I do not know that I would ever actually 'cheat' but, I feel guilty for even contemplating it.

[BellaDonna]

I think you should talk to your husband about it. Maybe the 2 of you can work on ways to stay more connected when you have to travel. I'm sure you can make it work, if that's what you want to do.

 

BellaDonna

[agent1607307371]

How old are you, and how long have you been married.

 

 

Being married (or in a committed relationship) doesn't turn off our attraction to other people, and wanting to spend the night with this man isn't a moral wrong, it's one of the effects of being a sexual being. That said, it would be wrong to cheat on your husband.

 

Monogamy isn't a state of mind, I don't believe that could ever happen, but a behaviour, choosing your partner not just the first time, but every day after that.

 

That said, if you want a non-monogamous relationship then the first thing you must do is tell your husband as he has every right to choose whether that type of relationship is for him. Talk with him about your feelings.

[Day_Walker]

I believe in monogomy but I believe that it is extremely rare. It is almost a myth. Marriages and relationships have their ups and downs, people stray and some decide to stay together. In my mind if I am going to make that effort to get married then I believe monogomy is the way to go and it will be done on my part.

[Caterina]

Monagamy is of course possible because many human beings (not to mention certain animal species lol) practice it.

 

Temptation is something that can certainly grow if indulged with more thought.

 

Personally, I think marriage is an extremely important decision that too many people in our country do not take seriously enough before entering.

[fluffhead]

I have been with my husband for 6 years and I am in love with him and could not imagine him not being in my life (even if we did divorce, I would still want to be great friends). However, I often feel as though there could be someone else out there that is more perfect for me (my bashert/soulmate) and that I just haven't found him yet. Is that odd??...It has really only started since I have been seeing more of the world and realize that most of my life I was living in a bubble.

[fnlyfrei]

The new James Bond...yeah...wow. (whew!)

[cantexplain]

Monagamy is of course possible because many human beings (not to mention certain animal species lol) practice it.

 

Temptation is something that can certainly grow if indulged with more thought.

 

Personally, I think marriage is an extremely important decision that too many people in our country do not take seriously enough before entering.

Yes - like geese and penguins, etc.

 

Porpoises on the other hand ....

 

My thinking of late is that being monogamous is a social choice - a part of our social process we may choose or not choose.

 

Some of us are penguins, some of us are porpoises.

 

In American culture I believe (others perhaps I am not educated which) when children are involved - things get extra tricky for everyone and super hard on the innocent when the parents are not monogamous. Thus I think that when marriage or any other relationship involves children, we prefer to choose monogamy in the greatest degree.

 

In lesser degrees we choose monogamy because it feels right; or it means our investment of time and other energy, emotions, etc. is well and right; or we want to achieve and maintain a certain level or type of intimacy - other reasons some people choose monogamy.

 

Clearly all relationships must involve trust. Without it things get real weird, real fast - manytimes even down the road when one or both parties are being truthful again.

 

But if you were to possibly consummate infidelity then you definitely should tell him about the possibility before it occurs. Otherwise the damage to trust will be more severe. You may as well count on a divorce and definitely a severely broken heart or two. Or three. This will be costly for many months or years and in many ways.

 

Nearly 30 years ago Jimmy Carter had a famous Playboy interview during his campaign for President in which he admitted as a married man to have thoughts of other women. To the best of my knowledge he and Rosylnn continue to share an outstanding marriage. So in American culture we should also be well beyond being able to talk to our partners or one another about such thoughts. Awareness of this, perhaps, may well simply be a good sign of our conscious, continuous decision to being penguins over porpoises -- well, those of us in committed relationships.

 

I also think you should seriously consider not telling your partner about these thoughts unless they represent some mid to long term obstacle to growing closer to him and maybe then you need to talk. Otherwise when you go away on business he is going to worry unnecessarily, perhaps.

 

You know him. You choose how best to deal with these thoughts since you are away from home and you are having these thoughts.

[BellaDonna]

I think this is about more than just sexual monogamy. I think the following statement explains it all:

 

However, I often feel as though there could be someone else out there that is more perfect for me (my bashert/soulmate) and that I just haven't found him yet.

 

I think if that's the way you feel, you really should tell your husband.

 

BellaDonna

[itsallgrand]

Makes sense, fluffhead.

 

I think you should speak to your hubby! Not necessarily to spill all the details about this other guy, but to 're-negotiate' a few things so that you can be truly happy.

 

How badly do you want the marriage to work? If you want it to work, then you have a north star to aim at. You can consider the rest of this 'details that need working through'.

 

Six years married, never out of the country, now you get a taste of what the big world has to offer.

No wonder you are filled with all these conflicting doubts.

 

Your hubby might even have some idea of what is going on and that you would be having doubts. REally, who wouldn't expect some change and new perspectives once you went adventuring on your own?

 

Talk to the man, if you do want to continue in the marriage. This could pull you apart or it could bring you together in a whole new way. If you distance yourself and try to hold it all to your own though, that is a good way to affirm your current doubts about whether monogomany is right for you...or if your hubby is right for you.

 

To tell the truth, I think it is possible you have some serious expectations about monog that just aren't correct. It's worth investigating AS A COUPLE.

 

take care

[cantexplain]

RE: Quote from above in thread:

 

 

"However, I often feel as though there could be someone else out there that is more perfect for me (my bashert/soulmate) and that I just haven't found him yet."

 

 

I forget where I read this. It was many years ago, like 10.

 

I read that women are more likely to believe they are with their second choice of partner, whereas men tend to believe who they are with is the one the one who is best for them.

 

So just recalling this I think maybe you should not worry as much about these feelings since apparently many others out there have them, too - at least according to my recollected reading.

 

For me, as a guy who when he commits sees my mate as the single most wonderful woman imaginable (thoughts otherwise are easily dismissed), it is disconcerting to know the trend among women may be different.

 

The big question is does simply feeling this way (there is a soulmate you are still missing) itself make it real?

 

I would step back from the feeling and look more closely at what is going on between you and your current partner and do a serious reality check and make sure you are, at the very least, being fair to him if you continue to feel this way.

 

I mean I would want the choice to know and take action to help improve myself to add more meaning and certainty to my partner's inclination toward me or the choice to get out because I was feeling the same way or gave up on the spark, too.

 

This isn't a big deal to feel this way. Perhaps use this awareness now to find the connection, not the idealized other.

[Caterina]

Its an interesting thought...I think women tend to want/need men more then visa versa. I think a lot of women can't stand the thought of being alone and so they settle and then dream about how the grass is greener instead of waiting for someone they are sure about. Although of course I've seen many men with this problem also.

[cantexplain]

Its an interesting thought...I think women tend to want/need men more then visa versa. I think a lot of women can't stand the thought of being alone and so they settle and then dream about how the grass is greener instead of waiting for someone they are sure about. Although of course I've seen many men with this problem also.

Two of my maxims - flipsides of the same coin denominating this dilemma:

 

Side 1) The grass is greener on the other side.

 

Flipside) You don't know what you got until it is gone.

[Caterina]

Two of my maxims - flipsides of the same coin denominating this dilemma:

 

Side 1) The grass is greener on the other side.

 

Flipside) You don't know what you got until it is gone.

 

Lol, clever, but our lives can't be lived dictated by maxims.

[cantexplain]

Lol, clever, but our lives can't be lived dictated by maxims.

Yes thanks this is what got me past the commitphobia of my youth.

 

These days I am more along the lines of whatever works for both people, loving someone for who they are in and of themselves, giving and receiving guidance in a spirit of mutuality, not controlling or being controlled, honesty and openness directed toward true intimacy, and wanting the best for the other's good.

[Caterina]

Yes thanks this is what got me past the commitphobia of my youth.

 

These days I am more along the lines of whatever works for both people, loving someone for who they are in and of themselves, giving and receiving guidance in a spirit of mutuality, not controlling or being controlled, honesty and openness directed toward true intimacy, and wanting the best for the other's good.

 

Sounds like you've got a good plan there. Don't settle but don't expect people to be perfect...I need to think that way as well. I have commitmentphobia myself or it could just be that I haven't found my good man niche yet.

[Northalius]

I don't see how anyone who is in love and in any kind of a serious relationship could contemplate being with another person. Then again, that's just me, and I have never cheated on any of my girlfriends, and never would. When I am with someone, I am completely devoted to them, and expect the same from them.

 

I'm 100% with you on that one, my friend.

[fluffhead]

Thank you everyone for your comments

[lizziebee]

I don't see how anyone who is in love and in any kind of a serious relationship could contemplate being with another person. Then again, that's just me, and I have never cheated on any of my girlfriends, and never would. When I am with someone, I am completely devoted to them, and expect the same from them.

I agree completely, never cheated, never will. I am able to put this in perspective by thinking about how devastated I would be if my man ever cheated on me.