B/f Going Away Again. Part 2

[Batya33]

I don't know that you can point to a country's "attitude" but government regulation, laws and religion, if there is a dominant religion in a country can dictate what behavior is acceptable and otherwise.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I don't know that you can point to a country's "attitude" but government regulation, laws and religion, if there is a dominant religion in a country can dictate what behavior is acceptable and otherwise.

 

I think it's the weather as well - we don't have great stretches of beach and gorgeous weather, so it's not exactly encouraging hoardes of young women to strip off and run around????

[hope123]

ugh..at times like this morning i want to bring it up..even if its on the phone..b/c these pictures are bugging the crap out of me..for those who wouldnt break up with their b/f over this..you would be able to trust 100% with this situation.

 

My feelings dont seem to change..i feel like i should be invited..here is the worst case scenario..i tell him i feel that i should be able to go with my own money like you said..he says no..i then e-mail him the pictures to show him..this isnt a place to be where you are telling your g/f no she isnt going..and then if he still says no and says i shouldnt be going..then i dont know what to do....i want to get it over with and just say it and have this convo..but we are fight free for 2 weeks now.

[Batya33]

What are your priorities? If it is to keep the peace between you despite you having a stomach ache about this it is up to you.

 

I would never ever send him pictures or have any part of this discussion on e-mail. Be confident enough to have this conversation in person.

[Hope75]

Hope,

 

I think the longer you put off talking to him about it, the more you build it up in your mind, and the worse it's going to be when you actually do talk to him about it. When do you plan to talk to him?

 

And when you do talk to him about it, you should probably have a clear plan in your mind if he doesn't want you to come along, and it's this important to you- what are you going to do? Really think about that.

 

You know I disagree with your line of thinking, but you have others who do agree with it, and really it's very individual and it has to be about what is important to you and what your standards are... so if your bf refuses to let you go- what will your actions be then? To accept it, and know that it's going to happen every year that you are together? Or to decide that this guy isn't the one for you and end things?

[hope123]

Well i see my bf's point that there shouldnt be an argument every week..or something wrong every week..so i definitely made it a point to make last weekend good and this weekend good as well..I guess that is also why i am putting if off, i dont want him to have a bad attitude as soon as i say we need to talk about something or think well it was great while it lasted(no fights, lol).

 

I guess i am playing out my worst case scenario..the thing is..if he said it a couple of weeks ago..even in an annoyed way to just pay my own way and fly down..well then i am going to take that seriously and bring it up..also..i dont believe its right to think i will NEVER go on this thing with you..even when possibly married or something..one of the years i am going to have to go..i definitely do not like the idea of a b/f or husband saying i am going to this event every year and every year you are not going..i dont agree with that at all so that just cant happen. I guess that is one of my standards.

I guess i really dont know what to expect..i am expecting him to say..no you arent flying down..i am somewhat of a pessimist but this is what i am execting.

[RayKay]

Honestly hope, I think that yes you need to talk about this, and sooner rather than later as you will just build more resentment: but more importantly you also need to decide where YOU stand on this if he says he is still going...without you.

 

Are you really prepared to just walk away and decide you cannot be with someone whom is into this, and does not want you there, and whom you don't trust? Or will you be back, upset he is saying he does not want you there; and then still stay anyway, and then in another month or two have another similar post that starts the whole cycle over again?

 

I think this is the reason you really have to decide whether you are COMPATIBLE and really with one another for whom one another is. It is not about "rights" or whether someone else would be okay with this, or not, or whether this rally has some crazy wild women or not...it really comes down to whether you two are really compatible as people and if this is what you want and need in a relationship. You cannot force someone to change whom they are to be your "ideal"; because it will fail miserably for you both in the end. Rather, you need to determine if HE is whom you want...lifestyle and all....and if not, move on and find the one whom does meet your needs and wants in a person and relationship.

 

Going to him and complaining about this will do nothing if you are not truly prepared to walk away if he disappoints you. If he agrees with you, that is another issue (and whether he agrees as he sees it hurts you, or he agrees because he feels his hand is forced and is resentful is also another issue)....but if he does not, what are YOU going to do aside from just hammer away at the issue more and more?

[RayKay]

But do you really WANT to be there to EXPERIENCE it, or to keep an eye on him? If for the latter, I really will say that is NOT a healthy reason to go, not wise to go, and I think that you need to address the DEEPER issues in this relationship that are causing you to feel this way about things.

 

In other words, if that IS your standard, what are you going to do if he makes it clear that NO he does not want you involved in it?

 

And does it have to be THIS trip you go on with him, or can you let him have his guys weekend, and you have your own weekend doing your own thing, or is it because you really do not like the fact he is going to a rally?

[hope123]

if i went..i wouldnt be attached at the hip with him..if there were other girls or something..even if i didnt know them well..maybe i would spend an afternoon with them and let him do his own thing..the fact that i would just be there would make me feel content even if we were apart for a couple of hours or a day.

 

I dont know if this is a deal breaker..i am kind of hoping to hear an answer i am satisfied with it or some sort of solution. I havent thought about breaking up over it.

 

He already is planning on going on a hunting trip for a few days..that sort of thing i wouldnt have a problem with.. i will miss him but its a lot different than this type of atmosphere.(the rally)

[Hope75]

Hope I'm just curious...

 

You mention that you guys fight pretty regularly and that there is an issue almost every week. That seems to be alot to me... I was just struggling to remember the last time my bf and I had a fight, and I'm having trouble.

 

What is it that you are fighting out?

 

Is it similar situations where you don't trust him?

[hope123]

well once a week..i think i am exaggerating...but it still was too much..i saw his point about it..i cant really remember..some yes had to do with trust but not all..some were just stupid.

[Hope75]

well once a week..i think i am exaggerating...but it still was too much..i saw his point about it..i cant really remember..some yes had to do with trust but not all..some were just stupid.

 

Ok, so do you have specific examples?

 

Even every few weeks is alot of fighting- and if some of those are about not trusting your bf Hope than you really have to start looking at that. Instead of just focusing on the biker rally- look at the big picture.

 

How many of your fights are about you being suspicious of some behaviour of his? (answer honestly, now. we are trying to help and without the truth we can't.)

[hope123]

i really cant say..every fight we have doesnt really have to do with trust..the thing is..alot of the things i post here..he does not know i felt that way or was suspicious or anything like that.

[Hope75]

i really cant say..every fight we have doesnt really have to do with trust..the thing is..alot of the things i post here..he does not know i felt that way or was suspicious or anything like that.

 

Ok. But you said that some of the fights do have to do with that. What sort of things are you fighting about?

 

Hope, I am only trying to help you, so can you be honest?

[hope123]

directly related to trust..hmm..I really dont think there was a time we had a fight like..where were you last night or i dont believe you were home alone..i think i am more passive and subtle

 

like he says he feels i ask too many questions sometimes..like he has to defend he went to bed early..so maybe that causes some resentment on his part..which leads to fights not really related to trust..ever hear like people are fighting about something but its really about something else...or like when he said the bartender was cute..i got mad b/c he never really compliments me..some may see it as insecure..but when a b/f rarely ever compliments his g/f and then hears that..it made me hurt and angry...no fight was ever related to..where were you etc etc...like his ex contacting him ..i didnt believe he was cheating but i dont want them talking..so that was another thing we had to talk about..i think the fights are more related to trust in a subtle type of way and my insecurity.

[Hope75]

Ok, so at least you acknowledge you are feeling very insecure, which probably plays a big part in why you are always worried that he might be up to no good.

 

I wanted to add that even if you don't confide in him all the worries that you post about on here, that does not negate the fact that you are having them- and that is a problem for you in the this relationship.

 

Have you thought about what you can do to build self esteem, and have more faith in your relationship and self worth?

[hope123]

It may be hard to believe..i feel a little better than i did lets say a year and a half ago..dont get me wrong..i still get suspicious sometimes if he doesnt pick up the phone or something doesnt go exactly right..It doesnt happen as often but it still happens. i guess i need to stop myself before i start thinking those things..

 

But trust issues or not..with this vacation..i think i would feel the same way regardless.

[Hope75]

It may be hard to believe..i feel a little better than i did lets say a year and a half ago..dont get me wrong..i still get suspicious sometimes if he doesnt pick up the phone or something doesnt go exactly right..It doesnt happen as often but it still happens. i guess i need to stop myself before i start thinking those things..

 

But trust issues or not..with this vacation..i think i would feel the same way regardless.

 

I'm not just talking about this vacation though. I'm talking about the big picture. There have been alot of incidences this year (when you say you're feeling better!) about behaviours of your guy that you find suspicious-- and you are fighting b/c you ask him too many questions sometimes. I worry that this relationship is not a healthy one, and that you are going to drive him away.

 

I'm wondering what you think you might be able to do differently in order to change the way you feel and think. (and if there isn't- why you stay with someone you clearly do not trust.)

[scarew]

Hope123,

It sounds to me (I could be wrong) like you have simply developed a codependancy issue. And the others were right, $1000 is alot of money to spend on a vacation that wouldnt be really fun for you anyways. Why not save up $1000 and go on your OWN vacation while he is away? By staying at home and sulking because your bf is gone you are suffocating him. By following him there when its not even really your scene is suffocating him. IMO, that is one of the core problems with your fights (suffocation).

 

Tell him, "you're right, it probably isn't my scene. So I'm just going to take advantage of the time you're away and go on my own little vacation with the girls". Go on a road trip or something! Or geez, for $1000 you could probably go on some all inclusive getaway to somewhere really awesome! Somewhere where you would forget about what he's doing and just enjoy the time off!!! Think about it.

[hope123]

I dont think thats gonna be my answer.

 

I still feel the way i feel and its been 2 weeks of me thinking about it. Most of my friends agree they would not be comfortable with that situation either and probably would be debating about the same thing and about bringing it up to him.

[Batya33]

So, does this mean that you're going to need validation from a survey of your friends each time you wonder whether your reaction to a situation is reasonable? If it makes you comfortable to live that way, fine, but it sounds like the more validation you get, the more you want, even from total strangers.

[hope123]

i'm just pointing out i am not the only one who would feel this way in this situation..one person said maybe this is how you should go about..and i just know thats not the answer for me. thats all

[Dako]

You could end up losing this guy over the matter.

To be honest, if a gf told me a long-planned trip needed her to chaperone me, or else, I'd let her find a more obediant guy.

 

If someone doesn't trust me, I feel slighted.

[hope123]

i just feel like thats not the type of event you go to while saying to your g/f..no you arent going.

 

I guess i made up my mind on the matter..eventually i will speak to him about it...maybe at the end of the week.

[RayKay]

i just feel like thats not the type of event you go to while saying to your g/f..no you arent going.

 

I guess i made up my mind on the matter..eventually i will speak to him about it...maybe at the end of the week.

 

Right, but if he does not agree with you, and feels like Dako would about it, what are YOU going to do?

 

You said you are already not ready to end the relationship over it, so what do you hope to get from this? If you are not prepared to walk hope, all your doing is showing him that insecurity, and then burrowing it down until the next time he does something that makes you feel this way.

 

 

Have you thought maybe it is not about YOU so much, or about meeting other women, as it is about his interests in motorcycles/people whom share that interest in a deep way?

 

 

 

You REALLY need to determine what you WANT in a relationship, and decide if this is the relationship that meets those expectations - not whether it can be MADE to meet them, but whether it DOES without nagging about it or forcing him to be someone he is not.