B/f Going Away Again. Part 2

[caro33]

Good for you girl. I think this all sounds reasonable and fair. And yeah, in person if you can .

[hope123]

Caro,

 

Looking at the pics FRUSTRATES me to no end...seeing girls half naked on this rodeo thing..flashing everywhere..having guys pose with them(doing things to them such as licking there upper parts)

It just makes me feel like i cant wait until i see him in person. I am really ready to say this tomorrow on the phone...grrrrrrr

[hope123]

i ready to say it tomorrow afternoon and just be like hey you meant what you said right..if i wanted to use my money to fly down to the bike rally?

[caro33]

Hmmm, I totally get what you are saying but you do need to try and think about this more strategically. Don't work yourself up into a state and sabotage things because you just have to get it off your chest asap. I know it's hard, I do this, but do try and look at this in terms of costs and benefits to your actual goal here, which is to express yourself and have him empathise with your perspective.

 

First, when are you next seeing him in person, and when is the rally? By when do you need to book your flights?

 

Second, how do your phone conversations tend to go when it gets a little..difficult? Does he shut down? Do you push things? What happens?

 

Third, how do you see this conversation going after you make your first point? If he just grunts, what are you likely to say?

 

If there is any chance of the conversation degenerating and you being left less satisfied than you would be in person, then try and keep it face to face.

 

Overall though, I think that if there is no dire need to have the conversation over the phone, then don't. (Not unless it's the only way to appear breezy. Because that is a tactic you could try - say "hey, I'm keen to see what you do, and I've already booked a flight!" Smiley, happy, and disingenuous. But that can backfire if he says 'no' and then you come out with your real concerns.)

 

Edit: oh, and NO TEXTING and NO EMAILS! Phone call is definitely better than these options.

[caro33]

Caro,

 

Looking at the pics FRUSTRATES me to no end...seeing girls half naked on this rodeo thing..flashing everywhere..having guys pose with them(doing things to them such as licking there upper parts)

It just makes me feel like i cant wait until i see him in person. I am really ready to say this tomorrow on the phone...grrrrrrr

 

Yes, yuck.

[hope123]

I have concerns...b/c i have a feeling if i never brought this up..he would just say oh next month is the trip and thats it..he wouldnt even say are you flying down which ultimiately proves he doesnt want me there..there is one big one in march and one in the summer..there might be some little ones i am not aware of..but i just have a feeling it will be one of the big ones he will go to.

 

Here is how it MIGHT go although it might go differently..if i say did u mean it about flying down and he says yea..then i guess case closed. but i have a feeling it wont turn into that. He might say no..so then i will have to send him the pics through e-mail which will then turn to him saying..you think i am going to do something with one of these girls? and of course i will say no but i will have to say..i'm your g/f and this place just makes me very uncomfortable and you saying no you arent allowed to go makes me more uncomfortable. It just seems if you are in a relationship..you dont go to this place for a week without your partner by your side most of the time. How can i be completely secure with this..wouldnt you feel somewhat of what i am feeling if it were reversed? After that i really dont know what to do predict..is this something you think he will break up with me over? I feel like out of all the things, i am justified somewhat with this.

 

I am soo ready to say this on the phone but i am afraid it will turn into an argument and we just recently got over one last week.

I dont want it to be an argument..but things seem to turn that way with us sometimes. I mentioned it last sunday like oh i dunno if i am comfortable with it..but he was in a bad mood at that point and he said i dont wanna talk abotu that now..i said when and he said next month..they dont start til march or in the summer.

[hope123]

CARO,

 

personally, what do you think or what would you do..

 

would you consider this a week of having fun and let him do his thing knowing things wont go too far..do you think you are this guys partner, you should be able to go as well b/c of whats held there and that it just doesnt seem right if in a relationship

 

I also feel this is a sensitive time..my b/f and i just got over a fight..and he says there sometimes seems to be more bad times than good...ultimately in his head, i think he has weighed the option of breaking up.

Which is why i dont know when is the best time to bring it up..casually over the phone tomorrow afternoon..bring it up after a few days of spending time with each other..making sure we have a good time in person and they bring it up in person or on the phone that night.

[deleted_x]

Hey hope.

I'm a guy, and I don't like that biker stuff. I hate shallowness all together.

 

Anyways. You want to be very calm and relaxed. It is a big deal to you, but you don't want that to be Overly apparent.

 

What I think you should do is meet him in person, ask him if he would mind you booking a flight and tagging along. (NO ANGER, NO VENTING)

 

If he says no, then, simply say something along the following lines, in a very subttle voice. (Women have a way with subtlety! Use it!!)

 

'Hun, I know this is one of your "big events", but I want to be there with you. I want to see what it is about this event that makes you so excited that you have to leave me for an entire week. Also, I've been feeling kind of insecure about that place because it doesn't have the best of reputations - I did some research and here's what I found.'

 

Then, (GENTLY) hand him some precut pictures of what you found online. Continue the dialong.

 

'I know your probably thinking "So I think You would cheat on me?", well its not that. The thing is that this is a very provocative environment and I am deeply in love with you, it hurts me to even think of you, alone, in such a place. Please understand, think of it from My side. I only want whats best for Us.'

 

 

Dunno if you like it or not. I tried ^_^.

[deleted_x]

Hope, please read my above post. I know I'm not Caro, but I think me and Caro are very much alike, even though we are opposite sex's. Read what I said and maul it over.

 

You have every right to go on a vacation with your boyfriend if the scene is provocative. Heck, personally, I would Beg my girlfriend to come if I was into that kind of stuff (bikes).

 

Edit

 

Caro just left, she had to catch a train. I hope my reply will do until she gets back.

 

Stay happy. There is no reason to worry, not yet atleast. So, please just be happy ^_^.

 

As for myself, I think I'm about to goto bed ^_^;; 2:20am here, hehe.

[hope123]

i appreciate your reply soo much..

 

i am scared to bring it up..i dont want a fight..i will probably use some of the stuff you say..if he says no, i will say..we are together for almost 2 years, why cant i use my own money to see what one of these things are like? i can even do my own thing for a few hours..where is the harm in this? he made excuses last time like oh we do a lot of riding and sometimes even stay at a different hotel..he uses the riding as almost an excuse..like its too much. and then he would make excuses about the room like you are not sharing one with me and another guy..he doesnt seem to like that idea ever..like me, him and a guy friend in like a hotel together.. he would think either i have my own room or him and i together(from past things that he said is how i know)

 

Ultimately..what if he says no..and then after seeing the pics just says to me..well you need to trust me more..i think in this situation..there is a lot more to it than just trust..its definitely part of it but not the whole thing involving this event.

[Batya33]

I would not want to go on a one week vacation with my boyfriend where I had to argue my case for going the way you describe. I would ask him the one more question and then the ball is in his court - unless he wants you to go - I would not go and then it is your decision as to whether you want to continue with him. If he throws up his hands after your whole debate and says ok ok you can go you will have not gained anything and likely he will see you as nagging and suffocating - not a fun way to start a trip.

 

If you're too afraid to assert yourself when it comes to your values, then accept that in this relationship you play the doormat role. Is that worth it to you in order to be with him? Are you afraid to be on your own?

[Hope75]

Hope,

 

I'll be interested to see what he has to say.

 

Hope you will come back and update us.

 

BTW, What was the recent fight with your bf about that you are so worried about now?

[hope123]

hey it was just a stupid argument and misunderstanding..

 

Batya,

 

Apart of me feels maybe he just doesn understand where i am coming from and that i feel if he is in a relationship, its not completely right to be in a place like this..do you think its ok to ask him casually on the phone or should i wait in person..i have such a hard time waiting to say what i have to say..usually i just get it out there.

[Batya33]

Part of being in a relationship is being other centered meaning you don't just spill your guts however and whenever if the timing will be bad or unpleasant for your partner. I would bring it up in person and see what he says.

[hope123]

I'm hoping he didnt just say it last week to keep me quiet.

 

If it turns into a big thing..i will have to send him the pics i found and say if the situation was reversed i think you would have something to say and obviously this isnt an ALL guys thing if its these types of girls there. Whats the harm in me going to experience a rally.

[hope123]

so tempted to say this casually on the phone..do you think its better to ask while eating dinner or something at his place....

[hope123]

For some reason i have it in my head that he is gonna say no its not a good idea or you dont belong in that type of place...and i think at that point, the next morning i should send him the pics..and say..why do you belong at this place? And i am really uncomfortable with this and the fact you dont even want me there when i am willing to spend my own money to go and experience this.

[Batya33]

I'm not sure what the point of doing that is - all you then do is remind him that you don't trust him, remind him that you are so needy that you want to spend your own money to go where you aren't really wanted, and make him feel guilty - perhaps guilty enough to invite you even though he doesn't seem to want you there. Added to that, once you take this to e-mail the chances at productive communication go way down.

 

I am all for you asking him one more time why he doesn't want you there but then that is it. Then you decide whether you accept his standards and values and beliefs about going on this sort of trip without you. You don't whine about it or beg or plead or nag or "argue your case." Of course you can tell him assertively and with quiet dignity -"Thanks for letting me know and I have some thinking to do about whether we are on the same wavelength when it comes to appropriate behavior in a relationship." - you tell him that in person, not in an e-mail.

[hope123]

Batya,

 

The thing is....sometimes i feel like a person really doesnt get what their actions are doing..like my b/f said this is what he has been doing for awhile..and also..he hasnt had that many serious long term girlfriends, i think by choice...so for me..i feel like i need to tell him..look, you arent single as you know and i have been with you 2 years..i think i have a right as your g/f to see this rally..last year you went alone..i think i have a right to experience this if you are going..i really dont see this as begging..i think he needs to understand where i am coming from and maybe be reminded that when you are in a relationship..some things need to change..last year even one of his family members was like..oh why dont you fly down and meet him there...my b/f never even brought that up as an option..i think i have a right to see one of the times he goes, exactly what its like to be at one of these things.

 

And if he told me flat out no...i think he does need to see the pics so he can see why i am so bothered by this and i cant be 100% secure with this.

[Batya33]

We can agree to disagree. The men I have been involved with in serious relationships didn't need to be "trained" in that way much less by their girlfriend (me). I am all for the mentioning once more but if you take on the role of his mommy or teacher to "train him" in how to show you respect he will feel patronized and suffocated - and rightfully so.

 

I am sure from what you said he knows you want to go and he knows why. This extra training/nagging you are going to do sounds like a lot of venting on your part and controlling too. Why not instead act with dignity, tell him quietly - one more time - that it concerns you that he wants to go without you and makes you question whether you are on the same wavelength. If - and only if - he asks you again for your reasons why you can show him what you learned through your research and you can explain this in a quiet dignified (no whining!) way.

 

But that is if he really wants to know - again - why this bothers you. Then if he complains you can tell him that he seemed to want to know why. If he doesn't care to know why that is your answer and you need to stay out of it - you are his girlfriend not his mother.

 

If he cares he will be motivated to know how to change his behavior to make things right between you. If he doesn't no amount of needling, nagging, whining or "teaching" will change things other than for the negative.

 

Example: I wanted to go out with a male platonic friend for a drink. Male friend wanted to go on a Friday night and he didn't invite my boyfriend along who he had never met. My boyfriend had suspicions that male friend was attracted to me (probably right) and thought it was wrong that he wasn't invited, particularly on a Friday night. I wanted to work this out so I listened to him carefully. We compromised and agreed that I would go for a quick drink early in the evening so that I could have the rest of the evening with my boyfriend. I didn't 100% agree with his take on it, but it meant more to me to make him comfortable than to see my friend.

 

The main point was he told me from the beginning that he trusted me, that he trusted my judgment, that he wouldn't forbid me to go or plead with me not to go but he wanted to make it clear how he felt about it. That made both of us feel respected and motivated to resolve it.

[hope123]

Speaking to my b/f..he can be so convincing..he has said once to me..he is waiting for me to be more secure with him and with us. I guess we see differently on how i should go about it..i think i kind of want to make it clear once again, that i should go..especially when he mentioned it last week about if you really want to see what its like fly down..

 

Batya,

 

I know you said you wouldnt date a guy who found this fun..i found this out after being with him awhile and i dont know if i am ready to break up..i still love him and love being with him...but would you be able to trust a b/f in this environment completely and not feel the way i do about it?? What would your expectations be..would you be ok if he was calling you a few times a day?

[Hope75]

Hope,

 

You are creating a scenario again that you don't even know is going to happen and are getting worked up over it.

 

You are coming out shots blazing and you haven't even talked to him. Last time you asked he said yes.

 

So why not wait until you talk to him before you get so upset about it?

 

Personally, I think you are most upset about this because you don't already feel secure in the relationship, which is evidenced by all your other posts about him. I'm just not sure why he has to be punished for your insecurity.

 

From what you say about him he really seems like a good guy.

 

As for having " a right" to go with him... I'm so sure you have a right.... The bottom line is if his behaviour is unacceptable to you, you shouldn't be with him.

[hope123]

Hope75

 

I see your point..but i think even if i were more secure with myself...i think i would be bothered by this. I have asked a few friends who seem to be more secure and they said well you have been with him for awhile, if it makes you feel better then maybe you should go and that its not like you are just dating.

[Hope75]

Hope75

 

I see your point..but i think even if i were more secure with myself...i think i would be bothered by this. I have asked a few friends who seem to be more secure and they said well you have been with him for awhile, if it makes you feel better then maybe you should go and that its not like you are just dating.

 

But, would you be merely annoyed by it and still trust that he would not cheat on you, or still bothered enough to feel the need to follow him there and police his every move? Seems a bit controlling to me.

 

I guess that's just me.

 

Sure, I'd be annoyed if my bf were going to such a thing, (same as if he were to go to a strip club) but I still trust him, and I would get over it and know that nothing was going to happen.

[hope123]

Hope75

 

I really wish i had your security then b/c i feel like trust cant go with every situation like...oh you have a girl who is just a friend staying over and is gonna sleep right next to you..its ok b/c i trust you..

 

I just feel like given the situation..a g/f or b/f has a right to say..i dont think this is right or appropriate to go as if you were single and that i should be able to go..not to be attached at the hip but just to be there to experience it as well.