Why choose Porn over the real thing?

[CanadianGirl]

Ok, it's been awhile since posting on this board....here's a question to the men, or the women who may have experienced this:

 

Let me start by the backgrounder;

 

I am in a fairly new relationship 3 months...but, I met this guy when I was 12, we've been friends for years...know each other quite well...over the years, there have been times where we have gone our separate ways - been in a few relationships (we both have daughters from past relationships, mine is 9 and his is 3). Both of our relationships ended quite badly and so we needed to heal. Over the years we've dated others, had one night stands, and basically played the field.

 

Recently we decided to give it a-go in a relationship with each other. We have not had sex, but are very affectionate, and communicate excetpionally well...very openminded. He has always seen me as wholesome, and proper.

 

Now, for the problem/drama;

 

Like I said, we aren't having sex (yet). But we have spent nights together and have become close physically and emotionally. We can get pretty hot and heavy although we rarely have alone time. Im a highly sexual person and so is he. We've expressed that to one another, although we've actually not done the deed.

 

Last week, we had some very rare alone time (all day, one day). We made out hot n' heavy (very hot n heavy). He stoped after making out and we didn't have condoms, so we cooled down. I went to have a nap, and he went to the store. When he got back and I woke up....I asked him if he bought cigarettes (I know terrible smokers we are). And he replied in idiocy:

 

"No, I got some O.J, snacks and a SWANK MAGAZINE (a porn mag)." and I just replied with "What? why would you tell me that? why would you think that I would want to know this? why didn't you get some condoms instead?"

 

Now, Im not going to lie. I was VERY VERY INSULTED. I am thinking "You've got the real think here, waiting and ready" yet you are going to get a porn mag and yank your wank IN MY HOUSE??...and to make it worse, HE TELLS ME ABOUT IT.

 

Needless to say, I got hurt. I told him to leave, wouldn't kiss him goodbye or anything. Instead I figured we should just take 2 steps back from the relationship and work on friendship instead.

 

The way I see it, he either doesn't want to have sex with me, or he's afraid to ruin the relationship...but why would he tell me this? do you think he's being honest for the sake of the relationship? or is he just OBLIVIOUS to my feelings?

 

Is this something that should be shared or hidden? Any help is appreciated!!!

 

Thanks.

[Day_Walker]

I dont even want to attempt to ratioanlize his behavior because you are only going to get the real answer from him. Personally I think you over reacted. To answer your question is that sometimes you just want to get off.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Wow. I don't know. There are times I'd rather jerk off to porn then spend all the effort to have sex, but never ever on the first time.

 

It could be he has an addition to pornography.

 

Regardless, this seems like an issue you should tolerate, I think you did a good thing by giving him das-boot.

[Scout]

You will likely get many responses from people who say you over-reacted, who question your feelings about porn, and so on.

 

I will not be one of those posters.

 

The porn industry objectifies women as mere sex objects, and furthermore, some research studies have shown that the majority of women who wind up in porn were sexually molested as children. I would not be cool with my boyfriend getting off on a nameless woman who has probably been sexually victimized in some shape or form at various points in her life.

 

Your boyfriend may have an addiction to porn, or maybe a strong dependence on it, but either way, he just let you know about it. Take a look around eNotalone and you will see countless threads from women who are miserable in a relationship with someone addicted to porn. You've been served an early warning. It's up to you if you'll decide to be particular at this point in who get involved with.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I am going to be a bit blunt in my response, bear with me...

 

" "why didn't you get some condoms instead?" "

 

Okay, did you ask him to get condoms or did you assume he would? Perhaps your new beau assumed you would want to wait or did you make an agreement to wait for awhile? And if you agreed to wait awhile, why would he go get condoms. Would not you be insulted if we went ahead and bought condoms when you thought you both would wait a bit?

 

"Now, Im not going to lie. I was VERY VERY INSULTED. I am thinking "You've got the real think here, waiting and ready" yet you are going to get a porn mag and yank your wank IN MY HOUSE??...and to make it worse, HE TELLS ME ABOUT IT."

 

Perhaps we wanted to share the magazine with you, have you both look at together and perhaps get hot and heavy again. I suspect you made a big assumption here that he was going to masterbate to this magazine in your house. Did you ask him or did you assume?

 

You mentioned you are both very good at communicating and very open-minded. I have to say what went down this weekend was based on huge assumptions from both of you and no open-mindedness took place at all.

 

Sorry if I seem rude or mean but I just see that both of you assumed matters without discussing anything.

[kermit]

It could be that he is very nervous about his 'first' time with you. After years of waiting, thinking about it, hoping it would happen, there can tremendous pressure on a guy to perform his 'first time'.

 

Is it possible that he is afraid that a 'poor outing' will destroy your relationship? By telling him you are a very sexual person you might have raised the bar for him, maybe to a point that that he is worried he will disappoint you.

 

Not that I'd know anything about this.

[CanadianGirl]

Ok, to be honest. We did talk about it. And yes, I was being presumptuous that he would think about the condoms instead of a mag. He did admit to being insensitive when telling me about it .. He claims that he doesn't want to hide stuff from me (which is respectable). But, lets be honest - there is a time and place for such discussions.

 

He re-assured me that it's not because he's not attracted to me and that he does want to wait, because in the past...relationships based on sex wore out early. We did discuss the porn thing and it's not something Im really uncomfortable with and it's more the fact that he didn't know if I'd share or not...which I probably would. Like I said, Open-minded.

 

He said that it's because he had a hard time seeing me as a highly sexual person (again, we've known each other as friends for such a long time, he sees me as innocent and proper...which I am, just don't shut the door!). I explained that Im naughty & nice...and he was actually surprised.

 

After a day of no talking and another day of talking we've discussed the topic to death. We are both on the fear side of sex -- we want to go and get STD tests togther before making a move towards the deed. In all, he's admitted that he's wanting to wait for the right time, that he doesn't want to hide anything from me and that's why he felt the need to inform me at that time, and hold off on the nooky.

 

I feel like I did over-react, but that in doing so=I clarified my position with him as to how I feel...and in doing so made it clear that Im not going to hide my feelings about it, he knows Im insulted. BTW: I also let him know that there are more ways to have sex without penitration....but, now more than ever do I want to wait ----

 

I recently told him "I understand why you want to wait, but just don't to hold out too long, sometimes you wait so long that it's too late".....does this sound like an ultimatum?

 

Im not taking it back but should explain that eventually I will just give up on this and stay as "friends"...we are both 'adults' here and I've been sex-less for over 6 months now and eventually Im giong to want to have it...

[CanadianGirl]

It could be that he is very nervous about his 'first' time with you. After years of waiting, thinking about it, hoping it would happen, there can tremendous pressure on a guy to perform his 'first time'.

 

Is it possible that he is afraid that a 'poor outing' will destroy your relationship? By telling him you are a very sexual person you might have raised the bar for him, maybe to a point that that he is worried he will disappoint you.

 

Not that I'd know anything about this.

 

 

This is possible. Sometimes, I think we talk too much, and act too little. is there such a thing as over-communicating? I asked him why he's just making me wait, and he jokingly said "maybe I'm just setting you up for disappointment.... " Then we talked about turn-ons and how we'd manouver them on each other.

 

I think we are expressing more than we should........think so?

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

It sounds like you both are getting to know one another in a romantic sense and not just childhood buddies. You are seeing one another in another light and discovering things about one another, which can be a beautiful thing.

 

But I honestly feel he was not "choosing" porn over the real thing but merely because he thought you want to wait and get hot heavy with this magazine. Based on what you wrote about him, he sounds like a gentleman, very caring but cautious and a bit gun-shy about sex based on his past. It does not appear his actions are melicious at all. Maybe a bit absent-minded if anything.

 

I believe you both are doing everything right and on the right path in discovering one another. I wish you all the best in your new relationship.

[kermit]

I just know that in my case this was an issue. When it happens spontaneously there is no time to worry and think. When you have six months and you've known someone for ten years or more, there's lots to obsess about.

 

And yes, expectations from your partner can only add to that. It might be worthwhile telling him expections for your 'first outing' shouldn't be too much for either of you. I suspect he was no joking when he made that comment.

 

On the other hand, I doubt he has had a single negative comment from his Swank magazine.

[blueangel]

Not all can get the real thing.

 

But yeah- it's totally disgusting. I disaprove of anyone into that (even though a few years ago, I used to be- out of curiosity)

[CanadianGirl]

Hey there,

 

It sounds like you both are getting to know one another in a romantic sense and not just childhood buddies. You are seeing one another in another light and discovering things about one another, which can be a beautiful thing.

 

But I honestly feel he was not "choosing" porn over the real thing but merely because he thought you want to wait and get hot heavy with this magazine. Based on what you wrote about him, he sounds like a gentleman, very caring but cautious and a bit gun-shy about sex based on his past. It does not appear his actions are melicious at all. Maybe a bit absent-minded if anything.

 

I believe you both are doing everything right and on the right path in discovering one another. I wish you all the best in your new relationship.

 

 

Thank you for your response. He is the kind of guy who is ready (and almost too willing) to share his thoughts no matter the cost. He let me know that he regretted the manner in which he expresed himself at the time, calling himself (and I quote) "an insensitive {Mod Edit}" he also told me that he really cares about me and that he doesn't want to rush this, as he has to work on himself and realizes that I do too. He appologized sincerely for hurting or offending me, and that he intends on doing work on himself to better understand how his words affect people around him. Basically he admits that he needs to change, and wants to change for the better.

 

I said that I understand him, and would hope that he can see me as uninhibited and not to be afraid of my sexuality because it is there and it is real. I'm not wanting just sex or just friends, I want this relationship to work out....but admittedly, I am not the most patient person.

 

In the end, I admitted to him that I have no excuses or explanations for my reaction...that it's just me. He responded with "ok, so it's either take it or leave it?" then he paused and said "I accept you." that was nice.

 

I guess we can both be immature and are in a process of learning . this being one milestone we've learned from (a mutual understanding). the great thing about this guy is that he actually cares about my opinions and feelings, and is willing to make changes in his life, foremost to better himself, and to give an honest go with our friendship turned relationship.

 

*cross my fingers*

[arwen]

I think that if you have been friends for such a long time, that there is a different balance between comfort and passion than if you dated and then got into a relationship. I think that is what caused this to happen, he is used to being like a 'buddy' with you, while now you are in a relationship where certain things are not done to say/do. I think the porn issue is separate from the fact that he told you like it was the most normal thing to do. It seems like you talked about it--- that is the most important thing.

 

Arwen

[CanadianGirl]

I think that if you have been friends for such a long time, that there is a different balance between comfort and passion than if you dated and then got into a relationship. I think that is what caused this to happen, he is used to being like a 'buddy' with you, while now you are in a relationship where certain things are not done to say/do. I think the porn issue is separate from the fact that he told you like it was the most normal thing to do. It seems like you talked about it--- that is the most important thing.

 

Arwen

 

My god this is so true. After a few days of thinking about how I felt, andd how to approach this subject, I actually said to him "Ya know...I'm your girlfriend now and not just your 'buddy' so please realize that before you just blurt things out". At the same time, I don't want him to hide things from me - so I re-enforced the fact that I am glad he was honest, but sometimes there are ways to approach a subject rather than just blurt it out.

 

I also told him that I thought it was selfish of him to keep the mag to himself to get off, while Im not getting anything....and then I asked if he ever thought of sharing it with me, and that I would have liked to share that....he admitted that he never thought I would want to, and now that he knows better he'll remember it.

 

I guess the friend-to-lover thing is a little trickier than I thought. He says that he still has a hard time looking at me like that, because I don't seem outwardly sexual and he's known me since childhood. So, I guess looking at the situation, I laugh now at how absurd it really is. He's glad to hear me laugh at it, and Im glad to hear he learned something about me.