Trouble with b/f's past

[hope123]

I have a problem.

 

I hate that my b/f has a past..that he has slept with numerous girls whereas i dont have much of a sexual past by choice. Does anyone here who has been in a relationship ask about their s/o's past or you just leave it alone? What do you ask? Did you ask your partner what were the girls like, did you cheat, were you more of just dating than relationship person, did you ask specific questions about the girls..i find myself curious about these girls..like my b/f will say something once in awhile and i will say how do you know and he is just like..umm do you really wanna know(meaning its probably b/c of a girl from his past) It just bothers me he has a past and i know its made him who he is today and he cant erase it but i cant help feeling this way. I wrote to him saying i am trying to get over it b/c i know everyone has a past and i hope he isnt mad for me saying that i hate that he has one.

[musicguy]

I've dealt with this with past girlfriends and don't let it bother you because he is with you right now and his past is his past, he can't change that. Focus on what you two have now and the future

[shep88ner]

this is exactly how i feel with my girlfriend. she has a long history to her. she has a lot of guys she never dated but fooled around with. however, i on the other hand, have only had 3 girlfriends including her and did nothing sexual. i get really jealous of her past and find it very difficult to not think about.

 

i ask all sorts of questions though. i ask everything. and its only because im so currious about her past and i want to know all i can about it. yes, it hurts a lot to hear about it, but i'd rather know all than to be leaving myself to assumption. which would be worse.

 

so i asked A LOT of questions about anything and everything and asked for the answer in full detail. i'd rather hear it from her upon request rather than hear it somewhere else and learn that way. it does hurt, it hurts a whole lot at first, but you'll eventually look past it all and realize he's with you now, not those other girls. it's tough, but you can do it, trust me

 

if you ask about cheating, and he's honest with you and tells you he did in fact cheat on a previous girlfriend, i wouldnt necessarily dump him, but i'd deffinatly keep a very sharp eye on him...because although i do believe people can change, i also have the strong opinion of "once a cheater always a cheater". but that's just my opinion.

[musicguy]

once a cheater always a cheater--I agree

[JynX]

once a cheater always a cheater--I agree

 

I don't agree with that...sure there's those who cheat continuously, but every situation comes under different circumstances. A cliche saying shouldn't condem a person for a mistake (of course, if it was one to begin with). I believe some people just make mistakes for whatever reason and that doesn't mean they'll do it again. For them, it could have very well been just a mistake and nothing they'll care to repeat again.

[Stari]

if you ask about cheating, and he's honest with you and tells you he did in fact cheat on a previous girlfriend, i wouldnt necessarily dump him, but i'd deffinatly keep a very sharp eye on him...because although i do believe people can change, i also have the strong opinion of "once a cheater always a cheater". but that's just my opinion.

I think it's a major display of honesty, and thereforeeee character, if a person admits to having cheated on a previous partner.

 

Since here can be no relationship without trust, I would recommend talking about the cheating until conclusion. After that is time to decide if you still can trust.

 

If you can, drop the subject and doubts. Forever. Being suspicious will on its own cause the new relationship to end.

If you cannot trust the person who cheated in the past and admitted it to you, get out.

 

When I imagine being asked by a new partner if I cheated in past, I believe I would conclude that there isn't enough trust in this relationship for it to succeed.

[amtjrtcet]

I don't agree with that...sure there's those who cheat continuously, but every situation comes under different circumstances. A cliche saying shouldn't condem a person for a mistake (of course, if it was one to begin with). I believe some people just make mistakes for whatever reason and that doesn't mean they'll do it again. For them, it could have very well been just a mistake and nothing they'll care to repeat again.

 

well put JynX....I also believe that people make mistakes. As long as they learn from them and don't repeat them.

 

As for the thread topic: NO do not ask about his past. It doesn't have anything to do with YOU and YOUR relationship with HIM. Focus on your future.

[RayKay]

No, I do not ask for details. I do know some base details like he had one long term girlfriend he had been very serious about, for example. But I do not ask, nor do I want to know every detail about her or anyone else!

 

It is the PRESENT and the future I care about, and I am the one there, not them! Yes, I would be concerned if he had cheated before; but I also know people change as they age and often what they did at 16 is not whom they are NOW, and I would look at their character and values TODAY. On the other hand if they had cheated in the last few years, and not taken responsibility for it, I would definitely choose to move on. But I would not stay and keep holding it against them...I would move on.

 

And if it makes you feel so bad, why do you want to know? The knowledge evidently does not make you feel better? And even if he says it does not bother him that you hate his past, it is still resentful of whom he is and where he came from, and bringing it up all the time is not something that anyone wants to endure their entire lives.

[lizziebee]

Hope 123 where ya been? I have the same issue with my bf. But it seems it was just this one particular girl...She apparently cheated on him, and I can only believe half of what i hear right? He has tremendous trust issues...ok thats another post...Anyway, as for the other women, if he brings something up I will ask him about it, after all this is a part of his history bad or good, and he feels like sharing it with me I will tell him to go ahead an elaborate. Because I am supremely curious and fascinated by how men think. I think this fascination came with my mid life crisis at 44 and after 14 years of marriage, nevertheless, I find comfort on this site navigating through all of our relationship issues. Remember, there has always been someone else before us...Can't erase the past, but how I would love to..in certain situations.

[Northalius]

Hope123,

 

In your case, try to use understanding: You're viewing it from your point of view right now; but, try imagining if your boyfriend had no past! He is a total virgin! Never even held hands with a girl, never talked to a girl... nor even THOUGHT of one in that way! And he was uncomfortable about your sexual past!

 

Your past might seem small to you, when you compare it to others with much bigger pasts, but it's big to him since he's comparing it to his own sexual past... which is none! No past at all.

 

How would you feel if he dumped you because of your past? Or just worried because of it? This is a good thing to imagine, since you're putting yourself in your current boyfriends' shoes, and can act more compassionately.

 

This is where you've got to make the decision to use understanding.

 

If you prefer to drop him because of it, some might say that was selfish, but I'd lean toward thinking it'd be more like a choice made because you saw the lack of relation compared to each other because of two very different pasts.

 

But, in the end, it's up to you, and how he acts toward you, that'll make this a deciding factor.

[Northalius]

About cheating past?

 

Just for the record: Cheating isn't a mistake! It's a wrongful act one walks into! Cheating is a relationship crime, not a relationship mistake! Tripping over something you can't see, is a mistake; walking into it in plain sight, is a willful act of choice.

 

Some might not care about a cheaters' past, others do care; no right or wrong, just your personal preference. I'm someone that does care about whether a person cheated on their ex or not; your past actions say a lot about your present being, and could be the foundation upon how you're viewed in future situations. Sure, people can change, always possible! But, imo, in this day and age, a lot don't!

 

So, I'll take my chances on not being serious with them, and look for another.

 

If someone has a criminal background and goes looking for a job at a high-class business, would you say the business owner was smart for hiring him on the spot, just because he acts nice, and says he learned from his past? I wouldn't. I'd drop him and look for someone with a better history. Sorry, that's just me. I like playing it safe.

 

Would you bring someone around your children, if they had a criminal background, but said they learned from their past, and moved on? That's their word... but is their word the truth? Are you going to take that chance, just by their word alone? I'd not.

 

Usually criminals remain criminals for the rest of their lives. Sure, some change for the better, nothing is impossible... but a lot do not change. Take that into consideration!

 

If a girl admitted she cheated on her past boyfriend(s), I'd thank her for being honest, and then say "Sorry, but I'm looking for another type of girl to be with. But, again, thanks for being honest."

 

I'd not blame someone for not going out with me because I had something in my past; that's up to them. I'd respect their choice, and realize everyone has preferences they go by.

[RayKay]

Northalius,

 

Just some clarifications on my post:

 

I am the LAST person in the world to condone cheating, and if you read my posts you will see I absolutely believe it is a choice one makes. My father destroyed my mother and family with his cheating, and I am the last one to provide sympathy or understanding for it.

 

The point in my own post was that I also recognize that sometimes people make dumb choices at 16 or 17, which they would not do again. At that age, a lot of choices are more selfish, and a lot of people really are not always truly understanding of the pain it can cause. I would probably also view infidelity at that age in light of whether it was a one time stupidity, or a planned, continuing affair.

 

I am more likely to trust in someone whom made that choice, realized what an idiot they were and make the choice NOT to do so, than someone whom kinda skirts the issue and says they just never would: this is where the personal values and character of present count to know WHY they know they never would....because people when in that position whom don't have those values sometimes do the opposite of what they said they never would do. Yes, some whom say they won't have deep convictions, but often people say it as they are so "in love": we both know that relationships are not always on the up; and the question is do they have that resolve when times are tougher and less "happy and stress free"?

 

It is not about them acting nice, and saying they are not like that: it is about them showing it in their character. Of course, that does not mean that one cannot choose not to date such people at all, but I do think that what they did at 16-18 or in less stable, short lived relationships is not necessarily something that should be held against them their entire life: not just in relationships, but in other dumb choices too if they truly have grown and matured from that stage. I know I did some stupid things as a teenager I am glad are not held against me by my partner!

 

It is also why I said that I would not feel the same for someone whom had cheated when they KNOW better (aka more recent/adult past). However, if I felt that way I would END the relationship or choose not to date them rather than stay with them, and keep holding it against them day after day as some people do. If you can't trust them, move on. But don't stay and hold it over them for the rest of their lives.

 

RayKay

[hope123]

Since people are posting about cheating..more than a year ago i remember asking my b/f if he had cheated and what not..and he said he has done a lot of stupid things, what does that have to do with now..i asked him and he basically said..well is it cheating if you are just seeing someone..so i guess thats how he made it innocent or justified it..that if it wasnt serious or just dating thats what he did..he even told me he used to mess around with girls who had boyfriends..he then said..well what did it matter to me if they had a b/f..he said its up to them to say no..i wasnt in a relationship, i was single. Thats how he justified it..Although i have to admit..i have done the same once before..its stupid but i was single and guess just didnt see the harm..it was really stupid of me.

[hope123]

if he cheated..meaning with other girls in the past..just to be clear lol

[caro33]

So he said he didn't cheat on an actual girlfriend of his?

 

Does he seem to regret any hurt he still may have caused?

 

Does he seem to think cheating is bad the rest of the time? Like if you guys are watching a movie and someone cheats, does he seem to support the "do what you can get away with" mentality or the "that's bad" mentality?

[Northalius]

Then that's up to you; your preference. Not mine, though.

 

So, if you owned your own business, you would hire a person that committed a semi-major crime, like bank robbery, when they were 16-18 years of age? Wouldn't you want to play it safe and look for someone that never committed a crime?

 

I kind of understand your point about the whole "doing it and regretting it, thus giving them incentive to not do it again" point; but, that depends on the person... and thus I agree with you there. I think that's rare, though. lol And is the reason why I like to play it safe.

 

I've heard of, and've seen, too many 'repeat offenders' to give in so easily; it's just my skin that has hardened, as a defense.

[hope123]

caro,

 

i dont really know anyone who would cheer on cheating when watching a movie..and if they did make a light comment or something..i should take that seriously? i remember one time we were watching something and the guy was cheating and he saw the girl he was cheating with and he said well thats kind of a step down..i guess meaning if he was gonna cheat atleast do it with someone hotter..he does make sarcastic comments sometimes at the tv even if it involved cheating..like oh maybe she deserved it..but with all honesty..should i take that kind of thing seriously? Thats like when i posted about when we were watching tv and there was this guy and girl friends for years until they got together and i said guys and girls cant just be friends..and he agreed..and then it made me think..see..then why did he tell me he is "just friends" with an ex...He made this comment, this must be his true feelings and i got a alot posts saying he wasnt even thinking about her when he said this or anything..it was just the tv program and just a comment when watching tv.

If someone was saying yeah, go for it, its good he is cheating..i would definitely just look at him weird like what is wrong with you..but he just makes sarcastic comments or little comments..even comments when the girl was cheating calling her a * * * *.

[hope123]

opps..i probably will get an e-mail..i thought we were allowed to say that word on e-not alone.

[hope123]

he really never told me that he cheated on a serious g/f...he said he dealt with emotions like mine with his first serious g/f when he was in his early 20's that she thought he was cheating and he said it was all BS. She said her friend saw him or something i guess in his car and he said well bring the friend over..but she never confronted it i guess..BUT i kind of feel like a person's past..they arent gonna tell you EVERYTHING and maybe they shouldnt..Maybe he was speaking to another girl and she had a right to be jealous, maybe he cheated one time..never told her and certainly doesnt wanna tell me..there are just some things sometimes that a person just may not be honest about completely. Thats what i think anyway.

[Batya33]

Again it comes back to your values, your standards and what you are comfortable with in a partner. You still seem unwilling to take a stand based on your personal standards and values. Is it because you are afraid of losing him if it turns out that you are not comfortable with his level of character and integrity?

 

I think discussions in detail about past girlfriends and boyfriends typically are not productive because our imaginations naturally take over and usually it isn't pretty. Sounds like you're looking for something wrong here- why?

[ghost69]

you might have some insecurities that you need to work on hope. a past is a past and only a past. if some girl was bugging me about this a lot and had a serious problem with it, she would end up being part of my past. it is true, he is with you and is being honest. most people with problems on this site seem to have issues whereas they can't get thier s/o to even talk. i've never cheated, but people can be forgiven. i was cheated on when i was young in high school. never forgave that girl though. i don't accept cheaters myself. if some girl i was dating told me she has cheated, she would have to explain why. then i might consider seeing her again. from what you have said so far, this guy doesn't seem bad. he is being up front with you. nobody likes their other's past, mostly because it didn't involve them. but if you are with someone with no experience or very fresh, it's hard. i wouldn't date a girl that has only been with a couple of guys. i wouldn't date a girl that has been with a ton either, but they need some experience. it helps you develop what you want in a mate. and when i say girl i mean woman.

[hope123]

no i am not looking for anything wrong..people were just posting about how if someone cheated in the past dont trust them now..just wanted to give info about what i know about him and cheating.

 

My problem is more with..i sometimes wonder what these girls looked like, what his taste was..what he did with them..i hate these thoughts..but sometimes i really cant help thinking about it. That is more my problem sometimes.

[caro33]

Hope the reason I asked my questions is that I am trying to understand what sort of person he is. The odd thing for me when I read your posts is that it's like you are talking about some guy you barely know, someone who might be capable of anything. So you get really insecure.

 

But when you're dating someone you pick up what kind of person they are. You make your call about when to worry based on a range of factors, but this includes the all important vibe about who you are dealing with. It's there in everything they do: the respect with which they treat you, themselves, their mother, the serving staff at a restaurant. It's there in how they react to things, in their hopes and dreams, and whether they say "I" or "we" after a while of dating you.

 

So when I am talking about the movie thing as an example, I am thinking of when one is confronted with cheating, or a portrayal of cheating, in a "harmless" environment (so no faux guilt is required) it is a useful way to watch behaviour to gauge real attitudes. I think of a certain currant-eyed funnyman I used to date who when telling me about his friends cheating, or when watching it on TV, had an almost reverential regard for what others could get away with. It wasn't screamingly obvious, but it was there. He also talked about his past cheating with a real sense of victimhood and loss of that girlfriend - he showed no real sense of remorse or sign that he took responsibility for his own behaviour. For him, the bad thing, the stupid thing, was being caught, not cheating in the first place.

 

I compare that to my husband, who when we view the same sort of things, says the exact same thing as me at the same time - we are on the same wavelength that cheating is dumb and wrong. Everything about this man shows he has integrity and I should trust him.

 

You are always observing little things - signs of the other person's integrity. Yet for someone who has dated their guy for over a year now (over 18 months?) your posts are remarkably devoid of any insight into his personality. I have asked you a gazillion times to tell me about his personality, but I don't get much from you on this. But his character and personality are key to whether you should trust him. They are vital to the likelihood of your fears coming true.

 

Maybe your fears are actually a result of picking up on all those "clues" but you have not registered them consciously - that's always possible. But I don't know.

[hope123]

Caro,

 

if you go through my other thread.. i did answer that question..i posted a whole thing on his pros...such as being there for family, and holding my hand whenever we are out etc etc. I did post a few things.

 

I dont know if listening to how someone reacts to a tv can mean we are on the same wavelength..I guess it could in one sense but when i posted about how i said a guy and girl cant just be friends when watching the show..and he agreed..and i related that to a girl he was friends with...does that mean he isnt just friends with her? I think it depends on the situation and now looking back, he was probably just saying a comment about the show not even thinking of this girl.

Like if he sees someone cheating on tv i can picture him saying like hes in trouble..or joke around saying it wasnt me..and when we have had discussions about it regarding each other he would say well you should know me by now..meaning he wouldnt cheat on me or something along those lines.

[caro33]

Thanks hope, and I have repeated your post from the other thread above. I guess what I am getting at are his personal qualities, not just what he does for you. Yes, what he does for you means something and presents some form of an image, but what you described above doesn't tell me much about who he really is. Even the pros sound a bit like back-handed compliments when read cold.

 

What I mean is, what are the top ten attribute descriptions you would use to describe his character? For my own husband I would characterise him as: intelligent, funny, deeply family motivated, disarmingly honest, moral, judgemental, a bit impatient, intolerant of stupidity or disloyalty, a bit left-wing, loving and extremely affectionate etc.

 

Yes, he does good stuff for me also, but much of this behaviour stems from his loving nature etc, it doesn't just come from nowhere.

 

I am asking you to help us understand what kind of person your boyfriend is, not just whether he drives you around etc. The most I gathered from your post above is that he's affectionate and apparently committed. This is a good start. Now I am asking you what you think his real view of cheating is.