Married men & their stories!

[Milk Bath]

I have been having an affair with a married man who has given me so much attention and love and care that it's gotten me feeling a little suffocated, which I told him.

 

He has known me for 10 years and admitted to having liked me a long time ago. He is very available, too available. Pushy. Makes long-term plans. Wants me all the time.

 

Recently he has asked me to marry him. 6 times. I did not reply.

 

When we are together, just a few times, he mentions his wife. Like ''we went to the movies'' or ''went with friends to dinner'' or ''she ironed my trousers''.

 

Is he trying to tell me that they still have a great relationship?

 

If things are good with him and her, why this availability to me and his great care and attention with me?

 

I am treating him like dirt. One day nice, one day leave me alone.

I told him that he is the greatest and kindest person I have ever met. Yet I am not sure I want him to myself. Also, I am irritated when he mentions his wife as if nothing's wrong.

 

What gives?!

 

My fear of commitment is also killing me. I have refused to sit down and talk seriously with him. I simply don't want to.

 

Please help.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Why are you having an affair with a married man? It's just that you don't sound terribly happy at all with the situation. Is it a way of avoiding commitment, not so much with him but in general?

 

I don't know, leaving aside the morality of is, my feeling about affairs with married men is that you are always setting yourself up for a world of pain. Why waste your fabulous self on someone who is cheating on someone, who can't be there for the important stuff, who can't be what you deserve to be in your life? I wonder why you're doing this - and to be honest, I don't think you know, do you? Because, with respect, you don't sound like you even like him that much.

 

It's hard to work out these feelings, and hard to discuss because people will condemn you for having an affaire with a married man. But why do you think you are attracted to this kind of relationship? Where does your fear of commitment come from?

 

I hope you can work this out in your mind and use us here to work it out - because I don't think you sound happy, and to be honest I don't think this relationship will make you happy.

 

Take care of yourself.

[itsallgrand]

Simplify.

 

In complicated situations, it is easy to not see the forest for the trees.

 

You are missing the entire panorama of the forest and focusing in on knot on the tree.

 

The panorama view: Woman is involved with a married man.

Woman is you.

Married man enjoys the luxuries of having both a wife and a lover.

Wife gets an unfaithful hubby.

Lover, YOU, gets to share a man with another woman.

Lover runs hot and cold with married man.

Married man lays it on thick in order to keep his lover around.

 

Few women would be happy in your situation.

Few women would feel secure or 'ready to commit' to a man who is married.

[sweetheart21]

Yikes you have to get out of this relationship.

He wont leave his wife. Why would he when he is getting both?? He is being incredibly selfish. You deserve someone better then that. Tell him to call you once he has been through his divorce.

[Milk Bath]

If he really cared about you he would:

A. Leave his wife to be with you (unlikely he'll do this...it sounds like)

or

B. Stay with his wife, but stop seeing you...realizing you need more. Truly, if he loves you, he'll let you go.

or...I suppose

C. keep both of you...living a lie, having his cake and eating it too.

 

Do you need more? What are you expecting to get out of this relationship? Have you told him how you feel and what you need?

 

I'm not trying to come down on you....but you should think of yourself and your needs first.

 

He spends A LOT of time with me and has asked me to marry him 6 times. He told me that this was not a joke, because if I say yes, it meant a lot of things.

Everyone says that married men don't leave. I am the first to say it. No I am not kidding myself. I am just perplexed.

 

He talks about his wife in a normal way, as if I should accept it. He has NOT known what I want because although I tell him that I love him, he always tells me that it's not enough and I don't love him as much as he loves me. He has begged me to SIT AND DISCUSS what my expectations are. I refused. I told him that I did not want a boyfriend. That I had fear of commitment. So our relationship is becoming ridiculous. I told him I needed a 3 day break to give ourselves some peace from the outings , the calls, the messages, the constant in touch. He told me 'have the courage to tell me it's over. what are these breaks for?''/

 

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WANT. DO I NEED MORE? MAYBE NOT. MAYBE I LIKE THIS PART TIME THING.

 

YET.......... I GET PISSED WHEN HE MENTIONS HIS WIFE AND FAMILY. NOT THAT I AM JEALOUS. IT IS SIMPLY BECAUSE IT KINDA BAFFLES ME, COMING from a man that says he wants to marry me. Yet, he tells me he went to the movies with his wife (dunno if they went alone, or with her mom and friends).

[annie24]

he is having his cake and eating it too. he sounds like he is having fun. ummm.... how exactly does he plan on marrying you if he is still married?!?! Like grandma used to say, "A man who cheats on his wife, will also cheat on his mistress." If he ever does leave his wife for you, don't worry, it will only be a few years until he finds a new woman on the side. As the other saying goes, "A man who marries his mistress has just created another job opening."

 

I agree with you, you have a fear of committment. That is obvious, as you are dating an unavailable man. I think you should get yourself to a good therapist and figure out why you have a fear of committment.

[itsallgrand]

Maybe it doesn't matter what you want as much as it matters what you need and deserve as a human being.

 

Humans suffer when they are not treated with respect and love.

 

I think you confuse desire with love. It is clear he desires you in his life a great deal.

Yet his actions show little to nothing of love and respect.

 

You have now put yourself into a situation where you must choose:

the way you have always done things and the level of commitment you show to yourself and your actions ...and along with that comes concequences.

 

or

 

Trying something new, which means questioning and examining yourself for real.

 

Take care of yourself.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

plenty of married men are philanderers who are accomplished at saying things their mistresses want to hear to get what they want from them... like promises to leave their wives, marry the mistress, protestations of undying love, etc. etc.

 

all of which is meaningless... first, he CAN'T marry you because he is already married. and he is still living with his wife and carrying on like business as usual in the marriage. he is probably telling his wife he is working or out with the boys so he can have sex with you, and is enjoying the chasing game.

 

most affairs are about men trying to feel powerful, get sexual variety etc., without disrupting his family life. they are NOT about the man wanting to love and marry you, regardless of what he claims.

 

so don't be perplexed, just recognize that he is playing you and enjoying the game... i'm sure if you called his bluff and said, yep, leave your wife, marry me, etc., he would find all kinds of reasons to suddenly disappear on you, stay with his wife, and find himself another girlfriend and start all over again.

 

so please recognize that this is not healthy for you, and the guy is a liar and a cheat. why do you want to waste your time on such a person?

[Hope75]

Has he ever talked of leaving his wife?

 

I'm curious-- he's asked you to marry him 6 times but you both know that can't happen unless he gets a divorce.

 

What's keeping him with the wife, if he wants to be with you so badly?

[Dako]

Marriage must be meaningless to him.

Call his bluff, and watch the excuses pile up.

[sweetheart21]

Yes! Do what Dako said. Say yes you will marry him and see what happens. My bet is that he will quickly come up with some more excuses.

[candy604]

Hey my advice : find a single guy then you won't have all these problems. This man doesn't know what he wants and you should not be involved witha married man.

 

lol would it be funny is that he's not even married?

[caro33]

Yes Dako is spot on. It doesn't sound like he takes marriage seriously at all.

 

It doesn't sound like it's worth taking him seriously. He also sounds infatuated with you - you are wise to not believe anything from him.

 

There are plenty of emotionally unavailable men for you who are not married though, maybe worth testing that out? Commitphobes of both genders are well catered for, I find, without getting into the married ones.

[cantexplain]

This man is not marriage material. If he were he'd have been trying to fix his marriage, then ended it, then decompressed, then dating all over again.

 

Sounds to me like he wants to know you will be there for him if he divorces her. This is cowardly. It does not sound like real love.

 

My mom dated a married man for 10 years. Both Catholics, she rationailzed their affair around the Church's dictum against divorce. She thought he was the greatest. Family man. Dog lover. Author. Successful federal manager in the Department of Education. After 10 years his wife died. He then broke-off all communication with my mom.

 

Cheaters are useful only for casual relationships where trust and intimacy is not key. Is that what you want?

 

Also, I understand that some women find men in relationships more attractive. I'm not sure if this is because they want what another woman already has - that is, there must be something going on for the guy - or if a "committed" man is a safe person to bed on a temporary, uncommitted basis.

 

In my mom's case I am certain that her guy's marriage made him more attractive as a marriage candidate for her.

 

I've known more than one divorced guy to slip on his wedding ring when hitting the bars.

 

Many guys understand this effect. Cheating guys will use their committed relationships as pivots into people's lives like yours.

 

One guy I knew cheated on his wife. He confessed to me that he and his wife's sex life was the best. Yet to pick up the "strange" he'd say he didn't get it at home and could use some good loving from someone to keep him sane and the family together. He told me it was an outright lie that worked very effectively for the success he hoped to achieve. Gross, huh?

 

So just because a guy is married does not mean much.

 

There is a single man out there who would be better for you. Single committed-type guy here says get rid of this married guy so you've the room in your heart and life for a more committed-type.