Do I tell my ex- b/f?

[Off To See The Wizard]

Hi. I broke up with my x-boyfriend last April. He did not want to break up. We were together for 5 years. Recently, (November-ish) we met up for a catch up drink as we had been doing maybe once a month after the break up. (btw, no contact was done in the beginning).

 

We ended up having sex a couple times and one time we didn't use a condom (i was inbetween switching from the pill to the injection).

 

Anyways, long story short, I found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago and cant decide to tell him or not. We are still good friends who occasionally sleep together. I will be seeing him tomorrow for the first time in a while and would like to know what you all think. Should I say anything or not? I am scheduled in for a termination on Monday although i have a feeling i've been miscarrying it yesterday and today anyways. What to do??! Help!

[honeyspur]

I have been in your situation once - when I was 27.

I did not tell the guy because I knew in my heart he was not ready and I did not want to cause guilt in him. I was also not ready. I terminated the pregnancy as well.

 

Because of the seriousness of my feelings about not being ready, it ended up not being a tremendous deal.

 

However, if you secretly harbour hopes of a family, security, reconciliation, be sure you go to counseling after the termination. Going through it with these hopes, could effect you afterwards.

If you have a hunch that he would want to know and still be supportive of your decision, then by all means tell him. Even if you aren't getting back together - he could be a good friend to you and accompany you and be there for support. (I went with my best friend Mary, it helped a lot)

 

Good luck to you!!!

[Off To See The Wizard]

My main fear was that he would actually want it and not be supportive of my decision to terminate. But I am 100% sure of my decision and his opinion would not sway me in any way. I just don't want to hurt him. Thanks for your advice.

[itsallgrand]

That is a tough decision.

 

Because you have reasons to believe a miscarriage is happening, I would wait through this week and find out that first.

 

It may answer for you.

 

good luck. Hope you are well. And I agree about speaking to someone. Regardless of how this turns out or what you decide. It is emotional and confusing.

[Off To See The Wizard]

In addition, I wonder if it is wrong of me to continue to see him when I think his feelings are quite a lot stronger than mine. The way I see i see it, we are both sort of using eachother for sex but if he still secretly wants to get back together is this a very bad idea and should I stop seeing him?

[Hope75]

In addition, I wonder if it is wrong of me to continue to see him when I think his feelings are quite a lot stronger than mine. The way I see i see it, we are both sort of using eachother for sex but if he still secretly wants to get back together is this a very bad idea and should I stop seeing him?

 

I think at the very least you need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with an ex who clearly still has feelings for you just makes it that much harder for him to move on, and look at the mess it's put you in..... pregnant and getting an abortion and wondering if you should tell him.

 

If you feel you must keep it a secret from him and go through with the termination, do so, but please-- stop sleeping with him and putting yourself at risk for another unwanted pregnancy or God Forbid, an STI.

 

It's irresponsible behaviour if you don't.

[Scout]

This question has actually come up before on eNotalone, and it's always a real tough call for me to weigh in. I'm not sure if there is a "wrong" or "right" answer.

 

One thing I can almost guarantee is that if you have an abortion without telling him, you'll start to second-guess your decision that you didn't talk to him about it. It will really weigh on your mind. That's what I've seem happen in similar threads.

 

So, if you think there is even a remote possibility you would tell him down the road because it was too much for you to bear not to, I'd just go ahead and tell him now.

 

Plus, this is not something you should be going through by yourself. You were with him for five years. I'm sure he'll be a friend to you in this difficult time.

[Siriana]

In addition, I wonder if it is wrong of me to continue to see him when I think his feelings are quite a lot stronger than mine. The way I see i see it, we are both sort of using eachother for sex but if he still secretly wants to get back together is this a very bad idea and should I stop seeing him?

Yes absolutely.

Also if you think he has strong feelings for you than it's sooo obvious he'll be very, very hurt by your choice. I wouldn't tell him and I would stop sleeping and seing him as a friend if you don't want to be with him.

I think talking with some sort of counselor would be better than talking to him if he really is still in love with you.

Maybe things will be easier for you, but for him knowing the truth while still wanting to be with you could be horrible.

Make a choice based on what would you want if you were him and he was you. What would be the best solution for you than?

[Kalika]

I agree with syrix, if you are 100% sure, what would the point of telling him be? It would only devastate him if he held beliefs against abortion or wanted the child

[Off To See The Wizard]

I think I'm with Scout here because I do feel that I will spill the beans at somepoint in the future if I am out and have had a few bevies. And we were together for five years. That's a long time.

 

Besides that I feel that I may have/or currently am having a misscairage. I have never been pregnant before so obviously can't be sure but from what I've read online I think I have the symptoms. I wonder how long before I should do another test to see. Or maybe I will tell the doctors on Monday and they can check first before they give me the pill. It somehow seems better in a (odd) way if I have miscarried instead of a termination. And better as well if I were to tell the ex. ps thank you all for your advice it's a big help

[Scout]

Besides that I feel that I may have/or currently am having a misscairage. I have never been pregnant before so obviously can't be sure but from what I've read online I think I have the symptoms.

 

What are the symptoms you're having? Maybe you should call a doctor now, hon.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I think I'm with Scout here because I do feel that I will spill the beans at somepoint in the future if I am out and have had a few bevies. And we were together for five years. That's a long time.

 

Besides that I feel that I may have/or currently am having a misscairage. I have never been pregnant before so obviously can't be sure but from what I've read online I think I have the symptoms. I wonder how long before I should do another test to see. Or maybe I will tell the doctors on Monday and they can check first before they give me the pill. It somehow seems better in a (odd) way if I have miscarried instead of a termination. And better as well if I were to tell the ex. ps thank you all for your advice it's a big help

 

The reason it seems better is because you have no part in a miscarriage. It's a natural occurrence. I would go get checked and see if that's what indeed is happening.

 

Secondly, do stop seeing that guy. You more than likely will end up in bed with him again if you continue seeing him. If you keep being friends with him, and you have terminated the pregnancy, you will eventually tell him. You are already conflicted about that and that's not likely to go away. It'll be easier for him and you to move on with your life if you quit seeing him. Also, you won't be able to stop sleeping with him just like that without him pestering you for a reason or something. Just all around a bad idea to continue to associate with this guy.

[Off To See The Wizard]

Um, I have strong cramps and rather heavy bleeding with 'chunks'. (sorry to be slightly graphic) I've had light bleeding and cramping from the beginning but this is different (heavier and more painful). The cramps I had yesterday made me wince with the pain from time to time. And today an alarminly large bit came out when I went to the toilet. I thought it might be it. (??)

 

I am to the doctors on Monday morning so I think I will tell them then before they give me the pill so they can check and see. They will give me antibiotics then too to prevent infection.

 

Once again, sorry about the graphic-ness.

[Siriana]

How About Going To A Doctor Now?

[TheSmilingTurnip]

How About Going To A Doctor Now?

 

There is no doubt in my mind that you are miscarrying. Especially because this is not just a little spotting.

 

I agree; miscarriages can be dangerous because of blood loss. A doctor probably won't do anything, but it would be wise to get checked and make sure you are not going to start hemorraging (sp?).

[Scout]

You poor thing, this must be a terrible experience for you. I think it's important you get to a doctor or hospital right away. There is a possibility you could hemorrage (not sure about its spelling, either!) and I don't think you should wait until Monday to get checked out.

[Hope75]

If you are miscarrying (and it sound as though you are), retained fragments of the fetus can prevent your uterus from contracting all the way and cause a hemorrhage.

 

I would advise you to get to the ER as quickly as possible to be examined and to make sure that this is not the case.

 

I'm sorry to hear this and I hope you are OK.

[southerngirl]

Yeah, I would say you should see the doctor if you havent already. When my cousin miscarried.... she had to have them clean her out in there because not all of it came out.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this! image removed

 

If you are worried at all about your future children, should you ever want them.... This is no indication at all that you will nto be able to have them. This same cousin , she has two beautiful daughters. Shes also had four miscarriages before and in between.

[Hope75]

Hey There OTSTW,

 

How are you doing?

 

Was a little worried about you the other day with all the cramping and bleeding. Did you get in to see the doctor or the ER?

[Off To See The Wizard]

Well, I've been to the doctors this morning and I did in fact have a miscarriage so I did not have to go ahead with the termination after all. Not bad timing, body...thanks.

 

Thanks to everyone for their support. Southerngirl thanks for that bit of reassurance about the future as well.

 

I did tell the ex and he said that he would support me either way, whatever decision I made, which was lovely of him. So all in all, a relatively happy ending. Now to get on with my life. Feels like everything else has been on pause till today!

 

xoxooooxx

[miss_dyme]

Big Big hugs for you.

I hope your feeling much better now.

 

I know this prob sounds awful but i wish my body would natraully(sp) induce me so i dont have to go through a medical abortion.

 

It was lovely of ur ex to chose to support you either way.

 

Goodluck to you hun xx

 

p.s And thankyou once again for your support on my end

[Hope75]

I'm sorry that you lost the baby, but in the end that seems to be what you wanted to I am glad that it worked out for you.