Wife Cheating With Her "Guy Friend"

[Runin4now]

I've been with my wife for 11 years. We have been married for 4. We have 2Daughters, 6 & 3. My wife is a stay home mom, and has a very small business. I work full time to support our family and have for the last 6 years. I am a very loving father and husband and have been very commited to my wife.

 

Right after X-mas I could tell that something was not right with her. I asked her to sit down and talk to me about what was going on. She told me that she is very confused right now. She is questioning whether we are in the right situation. Although it is clear that we both love eachother very much, there seems to be something missing, i.e. Strong intamacy, and connection. Also the fact that we met in high school and this was the first true love for both of us. She was questioning if we have enough perspective being that we have never been with other people. Basically things were becoming "stale" and she wants to find out if this is the relationship were supposed to be in or if we are just together because it is safe and we have kids. So, she suggested taking a little space and time away from eachother just to figure some things out.

 

I did not like this idea very much at all. I didn't understand how this is going to make things better. For the most part we get along great, we are a good team at raising our kids, and have a good life. I did agree that we were not putting in the effort it takes to stay fresh and connected, but maybe with some counciling we could regain the spark again. I fought the idea for a few days, cried my eyes out in front of her, but she responded with nothing. She said she was trying to distance herself from me. She has a Guy friend that she talks to regularly. I have never liked this guy. We had a confrontation about it 3 to 4 months ago when I was getting uncomfortable with them talking so frequently. She assured me they were just friends and I had no reason for concern. I told her I would trust her and be cool with them continuing their friendship. Then about a week ago were charged xtra money on our cell phone bill for to many text messages. I dont use texting and we have never texted eachother so this was a red flag to me. I checked her phone and saw a message from her guy friend saying "Love you much". Instantly my stomach turned, and had a bad feeling. I confronted her about it and she got pissed at me for snooping on her phone, and assured me the message was just a loving friend helping her in this hard time, and he is the "last person in the world I would ever need to worry about har having feelings for." I appoligized and told I trust her.

 

We agreed that I would go stay at my parents house for now, they have downstairs apartment. This transition was very depressing for me. I talked to her about going to counciling, but she thought the idea was "stupid". She brought up the fact that during our space apart, if the time comes that either of us want to start dating other people we would definatley discuss it first. She brought it up.

 

5 days into me being out of the house, I woke up in the middle of the night with a bad feeling. Something told me to go over and drive by MY house. When I turned the corner I saw a car parked in MY spot. The site of this made me sick. I parked down the street and walked though my back yard to our bedroom window. I could hear her and another man being intamate in OUR bed. The world all of a sudden stopped turning, I was shocked. Keep in mind our children are in the house, and our 3 year old comes to sleep in our bed in the middle of the night most nights.

 

I was up all night cringing. I sat down the street until he left at 6:30 in the morning. I couldn't tell who it was. After she got the kids to school I called her and told her that we needed to talk. We met at the house and I told her that she needed to be honest with me once and for all. She said, what do you mean? I said who was here last night, and she said her guy friend stopped by. After I told her I heard what was going on she finally admitted it. She said she didn't know what to say. I told her I felt betrayed and discusted. I could believe she would do that with our children in the house. She cried and appologized for a few days, and now she thinks she wants to go to counciling.

 

I feel like I want out of the marriage, but there is some part of me that wants to work through this. But, she has yet to say to me, this was a one time thing and I screwed up, it will never happen again. I dont want to get hurt anymore, so I am thinking that ending this is the best option for me. I dont know. Can anyone relate?

[Mr. Brightside]

Sorry to hear that people are going through similar experiences that I am, however it is good that we all have a place we can relate stories and help one another.

 

I know how hard it is when you are IN the situation, especially if you have children to worry about. Your kids are young and because of this I think you SHOULD leave her. No, no, listen to me now. I am from a divorced home, luckily my parents separated BEFORE I was able to understand what was going on between them. Trust me, the faster you get out, the less your children will have to see of the disgusting aspects because this WILL NEVER GO AWAY. It is hard enough to have to heal from the deception of all of this, but trying to raise your children and deal with this problem... it comes to a point where you need to look out for your children.

 

Do whatever you can to get custody, i.e. save any evidence that you can of the affair and anything else you can to show that she is emotionally unstable for having children in her house. I would say that strange men that are NOT her husband is proof enough, but judges these days aren't quite as thoughtful in that arena.

 

My family is a perfect example. I was 3 when my parents separated for similar issues. I was fine because I grew up knowing that my mom and dad will not be together. If you attempt to stay together and this happens again (which is way above a 50% probability) then your children will have had more experience of you two together, thus they will be more traumatized when you split later on. My cousins had their parent's split when they were in their teens and they turned out MUCH WORSE than I have. They tried counseling for a couple years as well. I am in graduate school and they are in and out of jail constantly. Get out, work on raising your children in a stable home, even if she gets custody. You primary duties are to try to show your children what proper behavior is, which your wife is clearly not demonstrating. If you stay, you are telling your children that this behavior is OK.

 

You need to understand that you have TRIED to get her to work on things and she is obviously bringing you through the grinder with each step. She scoffed at the idea of counseling UNTIL YOU CAUGHT HER cheating on you! She sent you out of YOUR OWN HOUSE so she could bring the guy over and have sex with him in YOUR BED! Now she is so remorseful. Get real. She is remorseful because she was caught, not because she is willing to get rid of the other guy. She will go back once she feels she has her power in the relationship back.

 

Sorry to be a bad news bearer, but from someone in a similar situation as yours (you can read my past posts and how I have been a doormat myself) this situation has a very low probability of fixing itself. Your time and energy should be placed in 1. getting your children out of that situation, if only for weekends, 2. Finding a woman who wants to have a stable home and focus her energy on more productive things in a relationship than promiscuity.

 

You've done what you can. Now do what you must. I was in a 4 year relationship (engaged to be married). It's going to hurt like hell for a little while, trust me, but you can do it. It's like working out. The first month sucks because you are sore and hurting but after you feel much better than if you would have stayed in the previous passive state. Keep reminding yourself of her bad behaviors to keep yourself focused. I'm here to talk, so PM me if you want and I can tell you some of my experiences in addition to the ones I posted earlier in this forum.

 

Good luck man, I'll be praying for you and your children.

 

Nick

[Heretic]

Hey Runin4now!

 

First welcome to eNotAlone! These forum have individuals from every walk of life here and all are eager to help. That said I'm really sorry to here about your situation. I don't have children so I can't fully relate. I do understand what it is like to be lied to about a relationship you felt wasn't plutonic.

 

Here's my issue with what's happened. Your trust has obviously been breached. Your wife seems to not realize she is raising a family. This guy is not going to just go away unless you wife really wants that. Your children are now probably very confused about the whole situation. These factors are going to make recovery difficult.

 

Seeing a counselor is a good idea but because she brought it up after you caught her and because she didn't want to earlier makes me believe she's not going to be really going... more showing up. That said if you care to save this relationship seeing a counselor is the best way... even if you're just going by yourself. The unfortunate part is you're going to have to trust her 100% before you can really save your marriage meaning you're going to have to set yourself up to be hurt all over again.

 

I wish you the best of luck and hope someone else can offer you more advice.

[kellbell]

Hey there and welcome,

 

I am so sorry of the circumstances that brought you here. Okay, I am all for counseling and regaining trust in a marriage, even after one partner committs infidelity. But something about your wife's actions troubles me.

 

It is apparent this has been going on for a very long time, right under your nose. I suspect this is not a one time slip up, that they have been physical for quite some time. And your wife wanted nothing to do with counseling beforehand and probably asked for a seperation to get you out of the house and out of her hair, so she can have this friend over. She wanted nothing to do with fixing whatever was wrong (she had plenty of chances to do so IMO). I am sorry my friend but she is sorry that she was caught, hence the crying and wanting to try counseling after she was caught.

 

She knew exactly what she was doing, she was melicious in her actions. With those issues in mind, this would be ALL dealbreakers for me and I would immediately put a divorce in motion. I am so sorry this has happened to you. Keep posting here, there is much support.

[Scotcha]

I am sorry that you are having to go through this. If you do decide that you are not able to continue the marriage I have some praticle advice.

 

First, if you are going to file for divorce under the grounds that she had an affair you need to hire a detective to prove this. (Oddly, admittence by either party does not count as proof.) You also must stop sleeping with her. If she were to try to stop the divorce and you had slept with her after finding out about the affair this would nullify your grounds.

 

Secondly, move back into YOUR house. And don't let her talk you into leaving again. If you are to get divorced there is going to be a custody battle. By moving out of the house she in turn could claim abandonment of the children and it could hurt your case. If she moves out go to the family court building that very day and file a petition for custody/visitation. Who gets the house will be determined in the divorce proceedings.

[Day_Walker]

I think you need to look at all of your options before you make this decision. I would say the best thing to do is to end the marriage because your wife has a problem that she needs to deal with.

[Hope75]

She wanted nothing to do with fixing whatever was wrong (she had plenty of chances to do so IMO). I am sorry my friend but she is sorry that she was caught, hence the crying and wanting to try counseling after she was caught.

 

She knew exactly what she was doing, she was melicious in her actions. With those issues in mind, this would be ALL dealbreakers for me and I would immediately put a divorce in motion. I am so sorry this has happened to you. Keep posting here, there is much support.

 

I agree with KellBell on this one. She said counseling was 'stupid' and asked you to leave the house. Then she told you that if she wanted to see other people you would talk about it first. Then she brought another man into your bed and slept with him while your children were in the house-- behind your back.

 

Do you honestly think that these actions show someone who wants to work on the marriage? The only thing she is sorry about is that she got caught.

 

I know if it were me I would not be able to trust her- she lied to you and lead you to believe that nothing was going on between them when it clearly was. You deserve better.

[Mr. Brightside]

Awesome advice. Please consider this Runin4now.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with Kellbell, and I think deep down you know it too. She really is not a good role model for your children. Dishonest and Deceitful with no sense of right or wrong. I really don't know how you can repair this since she is not really remorseful (just upset that she got caught). She was having an affair and orchestrated the whole scenario to get you out of the house so the other man can come over. It is bad enough when a partner cheats, but even worse when they cheat in the bed you share together. I wouldn't even know how you could sleep in the same bed knowing what she did in there with another man. Her relationship with the other man won't last forever but it clearly says something about who she is as a person. I am so sorry that you had to find out in such a horrifying way. Hang in there and make sure your rights are protected both financially and with regards to your children.

[Northalius]

First, she said counseling was stupid? To me, this shows me she doesn't care about the situation; she doesn't want to resolve the issue at hand.

 

Second, only when you caught her in the act, only then she wants to see a counselor?

 

Sorry, that's not good enough, in my opinion. She can sit there lying to your face like that? And only when you proved to her that you heard them being intimate, she admits to it? That's just not right.

 

After that, my trust for her would be ziltch at this point... if I were you.

 

I've never been married, so don't take my words to heart, since I'm just voicing my opinion; but, I feel I'd just want a divorce right there.

 

I usually would say get counseling, but I don't think she sincerely cares, and would just go to make you think she cares about the situation, but she really doesn't. If she did sincerely care, she'd have not waited for you to catch her being intimate with another man. If she sincerely cared, she'd have said "okay" the time you first brought up counseling.

 

That's my reasoning on it, anyway.

 

I'm really sorry you've gone through this. I could only imagine, which I did, and even then it hit my heart like a ton of bricks. You seem to be a really nice guy. You seriously deserve much better than this. I hope you get it. And if it ends in divorce, I pray you get the children; you seem much more responsible, caring, mature and clear-headed.

 

Anyone that says counseling is 'stupid', especially in a situation as serious as marriage, makes me think twice about their own care for their partner.

 

And this is another reason why I never like girls having "guy friends", because somethings going to happen, if not today, then I'd bet a year from now; if not a year, then probably 5, or 10. Same thing for guys having "girl friends" while they're with another girl. It's just not a good thing to have, and is very risky. I think the only time it's safe to have friends of the opposite sex while you're with someone, is if your friend is gay or family member. Call me crazy, but logic tells me: There's no sexual attraction between the two, so it IS safe for them to be friends, and only friends.

 

Anyway, I hope everything works out for you man, I really do. Get those children!

[Mr. Brightside]

Anyone that says counseling is 'stupid', especially in a situation as serious as marriage, makes me think twice about their own care for their partner.

 

and her care for the children...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

And this is another reason why I never like girls having "guy friends", because somethings going to happen, if not today, then I'd bet a year from now; if not a year, then probably 5, or 10. Same thing for guys having "girl friends" while they're with another girl. It's just not a good thing to have, and is very risky. I think the only time it's safe to have friends of the opposite sex while you're with someone, is if your friend is gay or family member. Call me crazy, but logic tells me: There's no sexual attraction between the two, so it IS safe for them to be friends, and only friends.

 

I would have to disagree. Men and women can be platonic friends for a lifetime. I have been friends with a man for 27 years, always has been platonic, no attraction at all. He is like a brother to me. Women are not stuck at home like they used to be...they have a life and interests. Men and women are bound to become friends based on shared interests, backgrounds, workplace etc. That doesn't mean it will inevitably lead to hanky panky.

[Suesser Tod]

I would have to disagree. Men and women can be platonic friends for a lifetime. I have been friends with a man for 27 years, always has been platonic, no attraction at all. He is like a brother to me. Women are not stuck at home like they used to be...they have a life and interests. Men and women are bound to become friends based on shared interests, backgrounds, workplace etc. That doesn't mean it will inevitably lead to hanky panky.

 

A female will always think that is right. I can bet you whatever you want, that your platonic friend has thought more than once about hanky panky with you. That is a fact. If it hasn't happened yet, it has been because of you, not because of him.

 

Obviously, you won't agree and you'll try to refute my argument. But, I really don't care, I've seen it happen way too many times to shed a slight hope it is not that way.

[heloladies21]

But, she has yet to say to me, this was a one time thing and I screwed up, it will never happen again.

And what if she did say this? Would it really change anything? She has already proven to you that she is capable of lying to you right to your face. thereforeeee her words mean nothing.

 

She has emotionally separated herself from you and this is the point of no return. No matter how much counselling or talking it through, you two will never be able to be in a successful relationship. You'll always have well founded doubts and there's nothing that can be done to prevent that.

 

Whether you or her initiate it, you two are getting divoced.

[Runin4now]

A little more info:

 

That day before I had caught them, I had gone to see a counselor, because I was so depresed and screwed up, and needed some advice on how to approach her about fixing our marriage. After the session I felt good and decided to go over to our house and make dinner for my family, help my daughter with homework, and put the kids to bed. The guy friend actually called our home phone while I was there. But, still my dumb thought he was just being a friend through difficult times for her. She seemed fine and dandy that night, which was brutal because I was dying inside. So after the girls went to bed I took off.

 

The next morning when I confronted her and she finally admited he was there all night, the first thing I asked was; How long has this been going on? She said, not until you moved out of the house. Which consisted of taking my clothes and CD's. She also said "we did not go all the way, I am on my period." But, What I heard ouside the window was enough for me to be discusted.

 

After a few days she wanted me to come over and talk. She tried to explain her story: that night after I left she was crying and all torn up inside. Then her friend called and said "do you need me to come over" she said no. Then he called back and said are you sure? She said well I guess so. They watched a movie, and one thing led to another, and you know the rest.

 

When I left that night she seemed pretty damn fine to me, and also when they were in our bed it was all fun and games. She is now telling me that this was the first time anything physical ever happened with them. When I ask her about what she said that morning "nothing happened until you moved out". She says she wasn't thinking clearly because she was intimidated by me confronting her about it. She also tries to justify it all because she says she was being pretty clear about us "needing a break", and "I thought we were on a break". But remember, she is the one that said "worst case scenario, if we do decide to date other people, we will DEFINATLY discuss it first.

 

Am I a fool to believe her about anything? To me when you are married there are no "Other People" to try to figure out if you are with the right person.

 

The last conversation we had I asked her "so what is the deal with you and this other guy now" and she cant give me a solid answer. She says she is just so confused. She still loves me so much, and it kills her to see me around the kids, because the kids love being with me. I said then I think we need a full separation, because I cant live with what happened, and I dont know if I can ever trust you the same way again. I said lets get together in a few nights and talk and write out all of the arrangements, i.e; Kids, House, Debt. The day that we were supposed to meet, she said she wants to atleast talk things out with a counselor. So I agreed, and we are going tonight.

 

By the way, I had no idea people would reply to my post so quickly, THANK YOU!!

[candy604]

i'm sorry to hear what has happened to you, you don't deserve this at all. I really think your wife is being immature and this " take a break thing" should not include dating other people in between. She should understand that both of you are still married and marriage does not involve another person. If she doesn't..well I have no idea what to say.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Due to her meliciousness, disregard for your childrens' well-being, and lying to your face, I would not believe a WORD she says. She is back-peddling because SHE WAS CAUGHT!

 

What ever she wants do now that would be considered admirable (i.e. going to counseling) is too little, too late.

 

Of course, the choice is ultimately yours but you can you honestly say you will ever be able to trust her again, not look over your shoulder for the rest of your life?

[Mr. Brightside]

Sorry man, I don't think you can trust her. Everything you confront her with is minimalized, which is a sign that things aren't very minimal. Trust me, I've gone through this exact same thing (minimalization). When you confronted her with the evidence of the one time, of course she says it only happened once. This is until you find other evidence in the future. And yet, as you continue to wade through the web of lies, she just gets better at making the web thicker. She is telling you just enough to get you off her back, yet keep you in her life as a side mate.

 

The mere fact that she didn't go all the way because "she was on her period"... not because she has a loving and faithful husband at home?!? Red flags should be flying just for this! I don't see any of her actions reduced because you, her husband, feels bad about it. IF its true they didn't have sex, she pretty much just told you she would have if it was physically possible.

 

Her pushing counseling now is just a front for keeping you in her life while she continues to bang the other guy. She even told you she is still confused! Someone who was serious about fixing things and counseling would drop the adulterous acts and focus on fixing things.

 

I reiterate... DO NOT go through with this... the only counseling that should be had is bringing the kids in to hopefully minimize the trauma of divorce (not to be confused with the WORSE kind of trauma of staying in an unhealthy marriage. Your kids do not deserve this type of behavior from one of their parents). Follow the investigative instructions given by Scotcha earlier in this thread and move on with your life.

[kellbell]

"The mere fact that she didn't go all the way because "she was on her period"..."

 

This comment says it all!!! Basically she is telling IF she was not having her period, she would have "gone all the way..." I would feel a teeny better if she said, "no we did not go all the way because it was wrong, I could not go through with it...I stopped..." But nope, she said because she was having her period is the reason why they did not THIS time. My word, does this woman have a conscience?

 

The counseling thing is buying her time so she can wiggle her way out of this. I would really reconsider and go through with the divorce proceedings. I am so sorry.

[flower99]

I fully agree with all of Kellbell's words in this post & her prior ones

I can't believe what your wife has & is doing to you & your children...it's so selfish, cruel & WOW....I am so sorry (hugs)

[Donster]

I was in a slightly similar, although quite different situation. In retrospect, I should have thrown the bum out the first time he hurt me, rather than giving him chance after chance to do it again and again. But I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt, and I kept getting stepped on by him and his new boyfriend (a former mutual friend) again and again. And I was only hurt by what I saw, not by everything else that I never saw happen since they used to just go out "as friends".

 

And yes, we went through 8 months of couples therapy. Things were going well, but the bum kept certain things out of therapy, and when these things finally surfaced, he was "too fatigued from therapy". Basically, he had given up long before, but didn't have the balls to come clean about it, and he ended up stringing me along for months, making me think that things really were improving between us and that there was hope, and a future.

 

so my advice to you: don't give your wife too many chances to hurt you. Take control of your own life and do what is best for you and your kids. If it means taking your wife back, so be it. If it means forging a new life for yourself, then so be it. But make sure you take control, rather than being a victim of your circumstances, because then you will find yourself victimized again and again.

[Rabican]

A female will always think that is right. I can bet you whatever you want, that your platonic friend has thought more than once about hanky panky with you. That is a fact. If it hasn't happened yet, it has been because of you, not because of him.

 

Obviously, you won't agree and you'll try to refute my argument. But, I really don't care, I've seen it happen way too many times to shed a slight hope it is not that way.

 

You are beyond correct my fellow man... we understand how men think. Wether they act on it or not is one thing, but trust me every guy will think it. Thats a fact.

 

by the way suesser, are you registered on SBN?

[Rabican]

I think you are wasting your time with this woman. Thats my honest opinion. Shes a liar, a cheat and you deserve better. Not to mention, she brought another man into your house and ***** him in your bed. It really doesnt get any worse my man. And yes you are crazy to believe anything she says at this point. Look at it from someone elses point of view if you must. If you were reading my post, and Im saying what you are saying.... what would you think? Everything she is doing points to her lying, cheating, having feelings for this guy, not giving you a legitimate answer about anything. She cant explain anything properly because shes lying about everything and trying not to get caught any more than she already is. Id leave, take whatever evidence you have for the lawyers. Move on.

 

If, and I mean IF for some reason you do stay together, this guy has to go. Tell her in no uncertain terms, no BS, no ifs ands or buts he is GONE. No emails, no texts, no talks, no mail, no nothing, ever again. One slip, and you are done. The first step towards you ever getting past this if you try (and I do not recommend that you do) is him being gone. IF shes confused about her feelings and cannot do that, tell her you will make her choice for her. Then tell her to pack her bags and move in with Mr Nice guy.

 

Also, I would suggest that if someone moves out, it be her. Or, if you decide to, make her agree to this schmuck not being allowed in your house. I would simply tell her, and him that so long as the house was in my name, regardless of the state of my relationship with her he was not allowed in there. Id back that up with more than words if it were me too.

[dyoung]

Leave,

she'll get nothing maybe child support.

 

Not cause she cheated but because of how she went about it.

 

She puts you out of your home!

Then she bring him into your home!

 

Not trying to be mean but those are two facts I couldnt let go!

Especially when you guys dont have any issues like that only cause she needs some extra on the side.

 

I can understand that but that is something you attempt to talk about, baby I'm bored can you buy some sex toys, baby I'm bored with the sex toys, can I get a girlfriend, baby I'm bored with the girlfriend, can I now have an boyfriend...

 

I mean its a progression to attempt to change things she went 360

 

ROLL OUT!

[SexySadie7]

Although I don't agree with this statement...

'She has emotionally separated herself from you and this is the point of no return. No matter how much counselling or talking it through, you two will never be able to be in a successful relationship. You'll always have well founded doubts and there's nothing that can be done to prevent that."

 

Whether you or her initiate it, you two are getting divoced."

I think it would be very wise on your part OP to go to a divorce attorney and have him counsel you as to the right & wrong ways to go about this.

I don't like the way your wife is going about this whole thing.. The fact that she insists you move out of your own house first off is not a plus..... plus SHE did say, not YOU, that you would be discussing IF one of you decided to date others, then she proceeds to do the complete opposite... and just brings the guy to her house to have sex.....

I am not real sure I buy the deal how she was so torn up she had to have him come over and they just ended up having sex... if she was so torn up.. why did she seem in good spirits the night you went to your own house.. while you were down in the dumps...

And if this is just her platonic friend.. why the heck is she banging him???

I am a female and have lots of platonic friends.. trust me.. no matter how bad the circumstances, I would NEVER think of sleeping with my male platonic friends.. I simply don't think of them in that light.. while.. obviously.. unless he gave her some date-rape drug.. she has!

This is not encouraging to me that she's looking out for your best interests so please, please just make an appointment for a good divorce attorney.

I would also agree about you moving back into your house... so it doesn't look like abandonment... If she's making up all these lies.. I don't feel comfortable that she won't do you dirty down the road.

That being said.. I do think there's hope.... BUT... she's going to have to come clean.... be real with you... and try to work on the marriage... not just pretend to.

I had a good friend who's brother's wife had an affair after they had a couple of children. She in fact ended up pregnant by her lover.. but the guy took off, the husband decided to forgive her and they are still married and love each other very much.

However.. that being said.. your wife has to admit the error of her ways.....

The fact that she said you would be definitely discussing if you two decided to date others.. then pulls this crap... just doesn't sit right with me!

it's just plain deceitful and manipulative..you are very justified in being torn up about all this!

And i feel the way she's deceived you is so very disrespectful to you.. the father of her children! She's not being courteous to you as a person even... telling you all these lies.

I am so sorry you are having to go through all this. It must be so painful for you.

Good luck.. we are pulling for you.

Gosh.. what i would give to meet a good man like you! It amazes me what other women take for granted....