Boyfriend's Ex Flings Are All Over!!!

[blanchett]

So my boyfriend has a promiscuous past but has matured and is wonderful to me, does not cheat on me, etc. We have been dating for more than 2 years and I recently asked him whether he had ever been with any of his female friends (who I also hang out with). I asked only because one of them was flirting with him ridiculously while drunk at a party, and it made me wonder...as it turns out, he has slept with at least 3 of his female friends and dated one of them. He says that these all occurred at least 2 years before he met me.

 

I was hurt primarily because he didn't tell me that he'd slept with women who I have been in social situations with, and who have been friendly with me, for the last 2+ years. He stated that it never came up and wasn't something that he wanted to volunteer since he is only interested in being with me. He understood that the woman who was drunkenly hitting on him needs to receive clear boundaries from him (which he did that night as well)....my question is, though, am I right to be incredibly upset over the fact that he didn't tell me about them? It changes my image of him, and I don't think it was fair of him to withhold that information for so long. It should have come up!! I've accepted his apology (externally) but internally this is tearing me up and I'm not sure if it is a dump-able offense.

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated!!

[DN]

Hi, and welcome to eNotAlone.

 

It is absolutely not a dumpable offence. It is not even an offence because his previous relationships are none of your business.

 

He spurned the advances of the woman who was hitting on you because he is with you. That shows he is serious and committed to your relationship and that should be all you need.

 

The only reason to know someones' sexual history is because of the risk of STDs - and you are way past the time to ask for that reason.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Oooh, tricky one. I can see where you're coming from with this - because you've been interacting with women who have slept with your guy, and not known. I wouldn't like that.

 

On the other hand, he hasn't been unfaithful to you, and I don't believe that your partners have to give you full details about their past, because it is the past. But then you are meeting them and not knowing. I think, just to be clear, it's the socialising with them which I wouldn't like, and not knowing that they had been together in the past.

 

Okay, I think you ask him upfront about the people you have met whom he's had sex with. Just so that you know, rather than it being something that you're ignorant about. But I don't think you can hold it against him either, maybe just ask him how he would feel if the situation were reversed. If you had slept with a lot of friends and he was being all chummy with them now anot not knowing.

 

I wouldn't dump him over it, but I would talk to him about it, and explain why you're hurt. And come to an agreement between the two of you about what to happen next - I can honestly see both sides in this case really clearly, and that's quite rare. It's unfortunate, more than anything else.

 

Good luck with this - don't do anything rash, I don't think he's been horrible or deliberately hurtful. Just not disclosing full details - which would be okay if these girls weren't still on the scene.

 

Take care!

[itsallgrand]

How does it change your image of him?

 

What do you require now to feel better about this?

 

I can understand why you are upset. Though, I can understand why he kept that info to himself as well.

Surely don't think this is a 'dumpable' offence, but I think it reasonable that it hurts you. I think I would be upset as well. Mainly for being left in the dark, and then I would have some uneasiness about why all these women are still lingering about in his life so much.

[redding500]

I would concentrate on his actions here, and they are saying his focus is on you. By asking him to disclose details about his past, it puts him in a no-win situation, since you knew, based on his past promiscuity, you were likely to find something. If you need to ask him any more questions about the past, just know ahead of time you might not like all of the answers.

[blanchett]

Thanks all!

 

To answer, it makes me think differently of him bc one of the girls is really not a "catch," & she's also slept with a bunch of other people we know, so she's clearly not that discerning. I also don't like the incestuous nature of his friend group that I'm learning about. I've been with others in the past too, but think it's complicated to hook up with multiple friends in the same group; not something I'd do!!

 

I did speak with him about it at length and he got why I was upset about the non-disclosure when I was hanging out with these girls (and the fact that they have gone out of their way to befriend me, which now makes me a little suspicious). He apologized and told me that he'd tell me about anyone else in the future if this sort of issue arose.

 

And I agree re: his actions. He is showing and telling me that he wants to be with me. I also do not want to punish myself by leaving someone with whom I have such a great connection bc of things that happened years ago.

 

It's just hard and I guess it will take more time for me to get used to this new information....

[redding500]

it makes me think differently of him bc one of the girls is really not a "catch," & she's also slept with a bunch of other people we know, so she's clearly not that discerning. Not such a bad thing. The alternative - that she's really hot and very discerning - would probably feel worse to you.

 

Yeah, give it time. It's new information to process, for sure, but he's both establishing boundaries with the drunk woman and making room to understand your viewpoint. Two positives in my book.

[lady00]

Is it a dumpable offense? I personally don't think it is. But that's neither here nor there. I think that's maybe the wrong question to ask. People get dumped for all kinds of reasons (or sometimes even if they have done absolutely nothing wrong), some which may seem minor to outsiders or not "dumpable offenses" to outsiders. It doesn't matter whether or not anyone else thinks its a dumpable offense. What matters is: how do you feel about him? Do you want to be with him? Is this something you can let go?

[RayKay]

I really don't think he was in the wrong for not giving you the exact list or previous references so to speak.

 

It is not that uncommon that in a circle of friends people will have tried dating, and it not worked out, and continue being friends and put that in their past and not think of it them that way anymore. I don't think they are always tawdry deals, it just happens in a lot of those circles. Likely, it just complicates things more to tell all partners all the express details of whom you slept with in those friends.

 

I can understand the discomfort to you now, but I don't know why it would change your image of him after two years together; particularily if he made it clear there are boundaries between him and them (such as with the flirtation). He seems willing to see your view, and work with it, so it is up to you to decide if this is something you can handle or not.

[caro33]

Agree, not reason in itself to dump someone, but I think I would feel pretty irritated if I was you. No, sexual history does not have to be shared, but this also feels like a major omission to me - I mean, these were acquaintances of yours. For many people the notion of socialising with our SO's exes is weird. But then again, there's your reason for him not telling you. No need to make something weird that doesn't need to be.

 

And I can imagine being in his position and thinking 'gee when do I raise this anyway?'. If he tells you straight away in the relationship it may put you off him and the relationship. You might have acted strangely around these girls. If he waits to tell you later, well when is a 'good time'? I can imagine just letting things slide; it's not like anyone is being actively hurt or betrayed, from his perspective.

 

But it sounds like you guys have solved it. I guess these things happen sometimes to help us be able to formulate what's important to us. I do find it interesting that this just never came up before, but maybe that's a good thing and is proof there's nothing going on, just in case that was the issue at all.

[Rabican]

Id say if he was hanging out alone with these girls all the time... then its something maybe he should have brought up just to know that you were ok with them spending time together. (I have a rule against that solo time together with exes, bed buddies etc. when it comes to the Sig Other)

 

As long as he wasnt lying about anything though id pretty much I wouldnt be overly concerned or upset about it.

[blanchett]

Well, the saga continues! Now (months later) he confessed to 4 more friends who he hooked up with before he met me, in a "heart to heart" convo, because he did in fact lie to me after the "drunk girl" incident. He thought the volume of friends he's hooked up with sounded "ridiculous" so he told me half the story rather than the whole thing....

 

I'm quite simply devastated to hear this after really working to get over the original "omission." It brought back all of the insecure feelings from the original incident and makes me pretty grossed out as well!! Plus, the fact that he lied is just awful.

 

He "came clean" because he wants to make our relationship better - "clear the air," and move forward. I just feel like even though I love him and can understand why he wouldn't want to advertise these elements of his past, this is becoming an awful lot of work for me.....

 

Any advice on these latest developments would be greatly appreciated!

[DN]

Well, simply put you have a choice to either accept that this happened before he met you, that he has been faithful to you since and that you love him enough to look to the future with him rather than back at the past - or you can choose to say that this is too much for you and walk away from him.

 

He cannot alter the past nor is it your place to 'forgive' what he did then so just be clear that whatever you choose it is your choice and your decision.

[blanchett]

Thanks.

 

What about the lie? I asked him specifically about X girl after the original incident and he said "no," and then came clean months later after deciding that he needed to "clear the air."

 

I can get over the fact that he had a promiscuous past, and even that he hooked up with these "friends," years ago.

 

The lie is really the problem.

 

Thanks again for all advice!!

[DN]

Because at the time he knew that you didn't like it and lied. He perhaps would have been better to have said "None of your business" as kindly as he could but he did not. Now he has 'fessed up and told you the truth.

 

Have you never lied to anyone in your life when you were very uncomfortable telling the truth?

[blanchett]

Point taken, and sure, I have lied in the past about things that were tough to admit or discuss. But I learned not to do that anymore - especially with someone I want to spend my life with.

 

I think that it is precisely when things are tough to say, that you should say them to someone with whom you are supposed to have great intimacy.

 

I didn't ask about his past for 2 whole years. I didn't care to be nosy and I wasn't insecure about it. When it was put in my face on that unfortunate night when his friend tried to makeout with him in front of me, I asked for honesty - the same kind that I know I would give in a like situation.

 

Maybe that is the answer though - perhaps by admitting it all now, he has grown to that point of honesty and intimacy through experience. Hope so

[waterbaby07]

I have to disagree with the posters who says that it's in his past so it's not your problem. He has brought his past into YOUR PRESENT. Even though you were the one to ask him the personal question, it is something he should have forewarned you about before you met the women. I know that most men don't want the drama (or don't see the harm in introducing casual sex partners to their girlfriend), but in my opinion it's very rude.

These are not people you should be hanging out with- who the heck wants to chat with a girl who knows what your boyfriend looks like naked? I put myself in that situation a long time ago and tried to be mature about it. It only came back to bite me in the bum and my ex ended up ceasing contact with the entire group. It's clear the situation is bothering you- you have come online for advice about it! I would not dump my boyfriend, but i would not spend another minute with these women. You can simply say that you're not comfortable in the situation and choose not to be with him when he hangs around with these "friends." Believe me- the more time you spend with them, the more it will eat you alive.

[SexySadie7]

I'd tell him I didn't want to hang out with these girls anymore. There is definitely an "ick" factor here, so that's why he's covered it up for so long.

Sure, he's into you not them, but really, if they are trying to befriend you, it would make me uncomfortable knowing they've had sex together before. Ugh!

[blanchett]

I agree re the ick factor (obviously!). The wrinkle is that since these are friends in his "group," I can't completely dodge all of them. However, I agree that I have every right to limit how much time I want to spend with them. Thank God none of this is too recent though. That's probably the only solace I've got on this one.

[keytwist]

Hmm . . . This sounds like a trust issue from square one to me. I would want to be able to rely on my boyfriend to "have my back" for lack of a better term, and introducing me to a group of potentially catty women without full disclosure of their relationships to him is not a way to go about making me feel secure. I've got sympathy, blanchett.

[blanchett]

"potentially catty women," is right. that's the real issue even though i'm now functionally over it. these were girls who wanted my bf when he was single, got him in bed for a night, and he blew them off for further "interludes," ie, did not make them his "girlfriends" (though he has had those too, and they don't bother me a bit), but they stuck around in his friend group, and sure he was nice to them, he is a nice guy. didn't want to be a d*ck. but i am sure that many of them have little crushes on him (it's been obvious before and after i knew his interludes with them years ago). that's the part he doesn't get as much as i do, and i think my female friends do. not to be so divisive or call women catty bc its not THEIR fault for wanting to hook up with a hot, willing, drunk guy, at all! however, realizing that there is zero chance at this point is pretty obvious - we live together now, we have a great relationship, are very intimate, have fun and laugh all of the time together when we go out....i don't want my "inner meanie" to come out unnecessarily, but one flirty move on the parts of these chicks will get that inner meanie out. and i disguise her with an inner "nicie!" who simply will go up and make them feel syrupy with my kindness toward them all.....ugh. games. that's what i'm trying to avoid here. the whole lot; and still, not cut them off out of perceived insecurity.....logistics. blech!!

[thetallguy]

it is...presumably...to be hoped that over time your boyfriend makes a circle of friends in common with you that will not include ex(cess) baggage. I guess he's being human, it's quite flattering to one's ego to surround oneself with admirers, exes and so on. But he should move on from that with someone of your class in my humble opinion.

Good luck !