Question about signs that someone has "baggage"

[Orlander]

Hi all,

 

I am currently dating. One conversation I had with a woman I am seeing turned to past relationships. My date proceeded to go on for 10 minutes on how her ex mistreated her and how he cheated on her, but she gave him another chance, but ultimately things didnt work out. I was uncomfortable.

 

It's clear to me that she is not over her ex. I'm still dating her because I really just want to date right now and its good practice.

 

My question is: What would you do? Would you keep dating her?

 

How much baggage is appropriate to bring into a new relationship?

 

Looking back I think my last ex was not over her ex when she met me. We couldn't talk about Mustangs (which is what her ex drove) and I couldn't stick out my tongue at her because that's what her ex did. This persisted throughout the relationship.

 

There was one thing, as I remember, that I had that troubled me still from a past relationship and that was I couldnt stand to call my ex "babe" or "baby" because that was my last girlfriend's cute name. Though, looking back I probably wasnt ready to date either.

 

I found out yesterday that my ex broke things off for good with me last february, two weeks after telling me she thought she was in love with me again and was already calling some new guy a pet name she called me. I'm still confused about that.

 

 

Orlander

[annie24]

hm. so you tend to meet women who aren't over their exes? (but you aren't over your ex either ?) apart from those 10 minutes, how was the date? did you like her, enjoy her company? do you have a bad gut feeling about her?

[wishiknew]

I think past relationships should be left there, in the past. I try to bring as little baggage as possible into a new relationship. yes the old relationships help to define who we are, but at the same time you are starting fresh with someone new. So unless they want to know about my past, I tend to keep things to myself.

[Orlander]

apart from those 10 minutes, how was the date? did you like her, enjoy her company? do you have a bad gut feeling about her?

The date was good. She is cordial and accomodating, has a good sense of humor, good manners, is intelligent and generally nice.

 

Sometimes she mentions that she is alone or that the holidays were difficult for her because she was alone. She's also a bit taller than i am and very attractive...almost too much so for my comfort level.

 

I don't feel the "spark" I felt with my ex, but that could, in part at least, be due to the fact that I'm not over my ex yet.

 

 

Orlander

[Orlander]

I agree, wishiknew. I'm definitely not completely ready for a new relationship, but I am ready to date. I am hoping that through dating, I will find someone that inspires me and helps me to forget my ex.

 

It's worked for me in the past and I believe that's what my ex did.

 

Orlander

[Caterina]

She has baggage. Everyone does but its difficult to tell at this point whether she is going to get over it enough to focus on having a good relationship with someone else. I say relax and see where this goes...its not like you are thinking of marriage at this very second. If things turn for the worse, you'll know then. Are you interested in her? If you are, keep dating.

[JulieW]

I've made my mistakes in the past and one that I realised ruined relationships, was not getting over the exes BEFORE getting into a new situation. When a person gets so upset about doing something perfectly normal as sticking your tongue out at them, they aren't really in the relationship with you.

 

Like I said, I've made my mistakes so I'm speaking from experience here. I've also been the recipient of this behaviour and it isn't fun to know that your boyfriend is still so surrounded by reminders of the ex.

[darkblue]

So many things are wrong.

 

It's clear to me that she is not over her ex. I'm still dating her because I really just want to date right now and its good practice.

It's clear to you that she's not over her ex, thereforeeee she has baggage.

You answered your own question.

 

"[she's] Good practice"

I feel negatively about that, but to each their own.

However, if you do feel that way about her, then why is it such a concern to you how much baggage she has?

 

She has enough baggage that you know she has it, but not enough form stopping her dating you.

 

Speaking of which, are you sure you're over your ex?

[Orlander]

Thank you for the insightful posts darkblue, JulieW, and Caterina.

 

No, I am not over my ex, but the idea of dating no longer makes me sick and I actually want to date again. I'm comfortable on the dates (except when a date begins ranting about an ex) and I generally have a good time. So, i know I am ready to date again.

 

I just happen to believe that this is kick-starting me into really healing. For months I sat at home or in a bookstore working or reading without taking any real steps to heal. I don't think there's anything wrong with getting reacquainted with the dating scene. It's signifcantly boosted my ego. Where I once thought I would never again have anything in common with another woman after my ex, i am finding that not to be the case.

 

I also feel that I am asking more of the "right" questions and becoming much more attuned to what I really want out of a relationship.

 

I expect my dates not to "show" they have baggage, though I suppose most people out there who are dating probably do. I do have a good time with this one woman i am dating though, so am taking it date by date.

 

 

Orlander

[kellbell]

Hey there Orlander,

 

I have to agree she does have some baggage. It is my belief when someone speaks about an ex, in a negative light, he/she still has feelings for the ex. Not necessarily romantic feelings...but feelings. She is not starting off with a clean slate. So, in saying that, this depends on you and what you are comfortable with. If you said to yourself, "next time I date seriously, I want the woman to be traveling light, no baggage..." then it would make sense to stop dating her. If this is not a big issue for you at the moment, I would date her occasionally while keeping your options open.

 

I know after my first relationship ended, I made the stupid mistake of talking a lot about him when I started dating another guy a few months later. It was apparent I was not over my ex yet and I sometimes cringe over what I did. LOL

 

It is really up to you. If you continue to date her and she still goes on about her ex and if it makes you uncomfortable, then it would make sense not to date her anymore.

[hosswhispra]

I am currently dating. One conversation I had with a woman I am seeing turned to past relationships. My date proceeded to go on for 10 minutes on how her ex mistreated her and how he cheated on her, but she gave him another chance, but ultimately things didnt work out. I was uncomfortable.

 

It's clear to me that she is not over her ex. I'm still dating her because I really just want to date right now and its good practice.

 

My question is: What would you do? Would you keep dating her?

 

Hey Orlander,

 

Understandably, you were uncomfortable.

 

I have had dates talk about their exes on the first date with me. Was this the topic of a first date? Personally, I don't think it's an appropriate topic of conversation for a first, second, third, fourth, fifth date. I would take it as a sign that the person was not healed and/or 'over' their ex, so to speak. I can see your point for dating for the practice. I actually think it's a pretty good idea. I just wouldn't date her for too long and I would look for others.....

 

hosswhispra

[chai714]

Orlander,

 

In situations like this where you want dating experience or even if you might like spending time with her, you scale it back. Strategically speaking, it's better to touch bases every few weeks with someone if you think they have potential but aren't over their past. And who knows how long it will take as we've seen that each person heals at varying rates.

 

If I were in your situation and a woman began talking about her ex, I would listen to what she had to get off her chest then change the subject. You're not her counselor and you're not trying to be "just friends." Having been in a situation similar to yours last year, I found it best to walk away for a few months and then meet up again as a way to guage her progress and see if she's ready yet. Meanwhile, keep hunting.

 

Good luck.

[Day_Walker]

In my mind a girl can only have enough baggage to go into a relationship, where the relationship actually has a chance of being successful. In other words if she is not over her ex then that is too much baggage. If the baggage prevents her from having a successful relationship then it is too much. That is going to be a call that you are going to have to make

[brando]

i dont think it is relevant for someone to date who is not over their ex. It is all part of the process of moving on. Besides Orlander said he is not looking for a relationship, so what harm is being done. ????

 

Some baggage...hmmmm tough question. If she was in an abusive relationship then i would bail. If she isnt spending anytime with dealing with i would defintely bail. Emotional wounds are unseen and will surface more as you get closer to a woman (or a man for the ladies here).

 

So i guess O, you need to think about what is accepotable for you and what isnt when it comes to baggage.

 

And I think it is a great idea to date. Keep dating, but be up front with each woman about not wanting a serious committment. No harm being done here.

 

be well

[Orlander]

Thank you hosswhispra, chai and Day Walker. Your advice is kindly accepted.

 

She is probably coming over to my place this weekend. There isn't currently any intimacy and she only really brought up her ex the one time.

 

I am dating another woman who appears to have no baggage and the conversation has turned to sex a couple of times.

 

I think i will get a better idea of how to proceed after this weekend.

 

I just dont really remember baggage being much of an issue in past relationships.

 

 

Orlander

[brando]

I just dont really remember baggage being much of an issue in past relationships.

 

I guess after the hurt you suffered you want to be more aware of any red flags that can cause a relationship to be become no more.

 

Or maybe you went nto the last relationship blind (as I may have)

 

Best of luck.

[Orlander]

Thanks Brando. Yes, I went into my last relationship hoping to end my sadness and to get over my ex...though for the most part I was ready to meet someone new. I guess I am overly sensitive where as my ex jumped right into dating.

 

 

Orlander

[Siriana]

When someone talks about his ex on a date I see that as a red flag that this person is not ready for dating.

[Orlander]

When someone talks about his ex on a date I see that as a red flag that this person is not ready for dating

I hear ya, syrix. How much talking though? What are your impressions of someone saying something like:

"I don't like Mustangs!"

"Why Not"

"Because my ex drove one"

 

or

 

"Please dont stick out your tongue at me. That is what my ex used to do"

 

How do those sound?

 

I'm in a position where my ex was calling me a cute name early last year and then within a month and a half was calling some new guy the same cute name. I think that kinda screams "something's not right here!!"

 

 

Orlander

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Thank you hosswhispra, chai and Day Walker. Your advice is kindly accepted.

 

She is probably coming over to my place this weekend. There isn't currently any intimacy and she only really brought up her ex the one time.

 

I am dating another woman who appears to have no baggage and the conversation has turned to sex a couple of times.

I think i will get a better idea of how to proceed after this weekend.

 

I hardly think that a woman talking about sex a couple of times shows that she has no baggage. Maybe she has a lot of baggage and is hiding it from you. Maybe she is one of those women who wants to get laid in order to forget about her ex...but of course she is not going to tell you that because then she won't get lucky and have "forget about ex sex". I think everyone is being too hard on this other woman. Who brought up the idea of past relationships? Did you bring up the topic or did she? If you brought it up, then what do you expect someone to say. If she had a bad time from this ex, doesn't mean that she is not over her ex, it could mean she is still grappling with the after effects of what he did to her. Moreover, maybe, she is just looking to date just like yourself. Why should there be two rules: a woman you date should have no baggage and be completely over a past relationship, yet you are allowed to hang on to your baggage and not be over your last relationship. That seems a bit of a double standard. We all have baggage from relationships...that is a fact of life.

[Orlander]

Thanks Crazyaboutdogs. You are right, I do have baggage from my last relationship. However, I do not feel I publicize it. I try to keep it where it belongs, in the past. However, with the other woman, last night we had a pretty good talk about our exes and specifically, what we learned and what we will do better next time. I don't know if this was right or not to talk about.

 

I probably do bring up my ex though. With 4 years of being together and an entire year and a half of trying of heal from it, there hasnt been much in my life outside of my ex that I can talk about.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with just dating right now. As for "get over ex" sex, well, that doesnt sound like a bad idea, though I probably won't indulge myself. The thought of my ex being the last woman I had sex with is making me sick.

 

 

Orlander

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think a lot of people end of feeling quite empty after having "getting over ex sex" so I don't think that is really the answer. It is sometimes very hard to get over someone who has really hurt us. I am still fresh from being very hurt by someone who I have now figured out is classic passive aggressive. It makes me physically ill to think of how he has behaved. I have been reading a lot about this kind of personality trait and it is not pretty. I guess I am lucky I never got to the marriage point with this man, but boy his tactics were vindictive and brutal...yet he hides behind this "nice guy" facade. It is only as you get closer to him that you find out his true colours and it is scary. So, no matter how much time I wait before dating again, this will always be part of my baggage...wondering what lurks beneath the facade that someone shows the outside world.

[Orlander]

Sorry to hear about your pain. All I can say is that not everyone has a different facade after dating for a while.

 

One thing I am confident on is that "Kindness guarantees all other qualities". Look for those who are kind and have a history of being kind.

 

 

Orlander

[Siriana]

 

What are your impressions of someone saying something like:

"I don't like Mustangs!"

"Why Not"

"Because my ex drove one"

 

or

 

"Please dont stick out your tongue at me. That is what my ex used to do"

 

How do those sound?

 

 

First one sounds childish (but I don't like old renault clio because my cheap ex was driving it I would say that I don't like mustang, but for a reason I would think of something else.

 

The second one is horrible.