'Do you want to take a break?'

[lizziebee]

Seems that the last two - I cannot even call them arguments - the b/f asks me 'Do you want to take a break'? I said listen to me, we both said til death, meaning no matter what happens we will get through it. A break? Like going to the drive thru at McD's? Coffee break? I just told him, if you want this to work, and you want to keep this relationship in tact (which is LDR already) then we get enough break during the week and if you need more then I can save a lot of money on gas............pissed him off, but I got my point accross and got my power back as he was just going back to hi 3 year old self....Anyone else ever ask for a break (LDR or no) and what was really brewing?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

well, asking for a break could be a manipulative gesture trying to scare you so that you will back down and let him win the argument.

 

or it could be a sign that he is really getting sick of arguing and thinking about ending the relationship.

 

or it could be he is afraid that you want to break up with him and is voicing that, to see how you react, whether you take him up on it.

 

so i suggest you wait til things calm down and you are not fighting and ask him why he keeps asking you if you want to go on break. it could be a sign of trouble in the relationship, or else he is just getting really agitated, and you two need to talk to figure out why you can't resolve arguments without threats to break up.

[blender]

he's "asking" you "if you want to take a break?" could be for many reasons,

 

one: that he does not want to be emoitonally responisible for a break up, two: he's insecure and needs some reassurance that YOU are really committed.

three: That he's into the "drama" that bold statements of "you want to take a break?" provoke.

four: He's feeling a bit smothered, or emotionally caged, and it's scaring him but he also does not want to hurt you at the same time, so he gently asks, "do you want to take a break?" subtext being that HE wants some breathing room and is NOT married to you just yet..and it's all so "final" and "committed" and it scares him a bit, so please give him a break type of thing...

 

Men like to be with you not because it's a "contract or agreement" but because you both are intentionally making an effort to be kind, respectful, honest, and loving towards each other one day at a time.. and if it's meant to be "forever" then time will tell, and not because it's "what we agreed on no matter what"..

 

 

"no matter what" ??? that's not loving or realistic, it's "controlling, insecure and not respectful of the fact that sometimes feelings change, people get temporarity smothered or nervous".. it's important to leave the discussion respectfully open to say to each other, "how are YOU feeling right now, is there anything YOU want to express about us..that's making you feel uneasy, is the "committment" scaring you, if so, that's important for me to know and for you to be able to say to me at any time, so we can have the freedom to express our emotions without the "hey we agreed we'd get through all of this til death, no matter what"...

 

that "demand" is scary for even a long term married couple to respectfully embrace.. "no matter what".. how many things fall into a category of "why" a relationship might need a break? So many respectful things.. like "being nervous", being "not so sure sometimes".. "needed some space for your own time to think".. "abuse" or simply "I want us to be together because we both "want" to be and not because we "made an agreement no matter what".. and couples should feel they can talk about thier fears, feelings, and anxiety, not they that 'should' sweep issues under the carpet, because after all, it doesn't matter what I'm really feeling because we agreed: "no matter what".. ugh.. does that seem reasonable and loving to you?

[renaissancewoman101]

I think your bf is being unreasonable in insisting on a break. He agreed to go into a relationship with you and stick it out through thick or thin and work things out. Now, at the first sign of trouble, he wants to tuck tail and run.

 

Now that isnt the characteristic of someone who is honorable.

[blender]

hold on, he didn't "insist on a break".. he simply cautiously asked "do you want to take a break?"..

 

yes, it might be a bit passive aggresive, but it's important to respectfully hear him.. it does NOT make him "dis-honorable". It simply means he's human, and maybe when you argue it makes him "nervous, unhappy, or insecure" so he then says to you "do you want to take a break?"

 

maybe the most loving mature respectful thing to to say in response to this is: "why do you ask me that, I really want to hear what you are feeling that makes you ask me if I want to take a break?"...

 

this is how you "build" a real, respectful, loving, long term commitment, it is in "understanding others" that we love, not in making ourselves understood without respecting thier feelings..even if they are feelings that are not so comfortable for us to hear...it's important to be able to express emotions, fears, anxiety, without it be confronted with "hey we said, 'no matter what"... how do you build a love on that?

[Starry_Eyed]

Funny thing is .. I've been wanting a break from my boyfriend, so I started an argument tonight just so I could tell him that I'm taking a break. So ... maybe he's doing the same??

[anggrace]

"lets take a break" is the same as " I need space". I was recently told this, and I think its a cop out. Its like saying, "you know what? Im not so sure your worth my time. Can you stick around till I decide?"

[DN]

got my power back as he was just going back to hi 3 year old self..

Power?

 

Do you really think that a healthy and balanced relationship is obtained by wanting 'power' and by insulting his maturity level? I suggest you rethink the way you regard your boyfriend before a suggested break turns into an actual break-up.

[Momene]

There have been very rare occasions when I agree that a break is good but not in a normal boy/girl situation. If you have one you need to agree a time limit and a set of rules.

 

My ex-wife once asked for a break but wasn't prepared to accept any conditions on it so I told her that if she took a break it was for good. I later realised that she wanted to use the break to decide between me and someone else, so I'm glad I didn't give her the chance.

[lizziebee]

Thanks for the thoughts Blender and Ren. Woman-I truly believe I have gotten myself a man who is very controlling and yes, he was looking to feel me out with the 'break' thing. It would have been very easy to get in my car and leave, and in another life I would have just for dramatic effect. I am too tired for that, but the way he says it and the way he watches me ponder as he walks over to me with new expression in his eyes...oh baby don't go...The other thing is is that he demands my attention on many different levels and then turns around when things get * * * * *ly, not outbursts, just conversation or question, and he says this is too much work....Well, everything is work in one way or another. My God, just getting the coffee down in the morning is work, having to deal with different personalities at work, play, family...this is work...So I understand what you are saying Blender and I like that you took the time to look at so many possibilities...I will let you know!

[lizziebee]

Power?

 

Do you really think that a healthy and balanced relationship is obtained by wanting 'power' and by insulting his maturity level? I suggest you rethink the way you regard your boyfriend before a suggested break turns into an actual break-up.

 

In regards to 'power' I meant that when he starts yelling about dogs, and marks on the floor, and then asks me if I want a break, my mind went blank and I was unable to follow his thread...I should have said, 'when I got my wits about me'....

[lizziebee]

well, asking for a break could be a manipulative gesture trying to scare you so that you will back down and let him win the argument.

 

or it could be a sign that he is really getting sick of arguing and thinking about ending the relationship.

 

or it could be he is afraid that you want to break up with him and is voicing that, to see how you react, whether you take him up on it.

 

so i suggest you wait til things calm down and you are not fighting and ask him why he keeps asking you if you want to go on break. it could be a sign of trouble in the relationship, or else he is just getting really agitated, and you two need to talk to figure out why you can't resolve arguments without threats to break up.

 

Any conflict, smal or large brings out the combative person inside him, don't worry he is not a beater, I just think he has trust issues that I cannot help him with unless we talk about it and when we do he says 'this is too much work, a relationship should not be this much work' First of all the points upon which we argue are not shall we say, life or relationship threatening, he just does not like to talk about his feelings about anything but his job...ok with me but don't send your misguided anger and distrust in my direction...and thats usually where it can start. We can spend weeks together and no blow ups but the least little thing sets him off if he is trying to concentrate on something else....our conversation blips as I call them, happen very infrequently, almost never. I think we are still getting used to eachothers rythm(sp!)

[Momene]

I'm not trying to criticise you here but I think his comment about relationships needing work is valid. I've worked at my marriage because we still love each other and have a daughter. If I'd have had the same problems with a girlfriend, I would probably have baled out.

 

If there are genuine good reasons for staying in a relationship, do so but if it really is too much hard work, you're better off on your own.

[lizziebee]

If we did not have to "work" at our relationships, then we would not have this wonderful site to discuss the ways and means of how to get along better (with anyone), handle a break up, jealousy, insecurities, unplanned pregnancies, all of it. I believe that just keeping a plant alive is work, and when it blooms the beauty brings gratitude and peace.

[blender]

Yes, you're so right, authentic love is not some magical state of mind, a relationship based on respect, authentic love, and commitment requires effort/work/nurturing/understanding/compromise/respect/honesty from both people involved.

 

On certain stressful days, depending on your mood, these character qualities might not come "naturally" so love does take effort and working through disagreements to be understood and to also be understanding, it's part of any healthy love life.

 

When a partner says things like "this is too much work", then repeat it back to them in a kind calm way. "So you're saying this relationship is too much work, what part of it is difficult for you, please explain it, I really want to know what is upsetting you." And then "LISTEN'... Not only will YOU be able to hear what he is feeling, HE will be able to hear himself,

 

instead of defending himself against someone saying back to him, "any relationship takes work".. when he's busy fighting back about this, then he never really gets to "learn" or "display" what's really underneath what he is saying.. once he starts hearing YOUR words of "any relationship takes work", he starts to focus on what YOU are saying and then defending himself, and then the communication breaks down, and the argument gets bigger than it should be.. and no one really says anything deep, because your both too busy fighting to be heard or one of you just shuts down completely..

 

so the "repeating" plus "question" thing is so effective...

[Momene]

If we did not have to "work" at our relationships, then we would not have this wonderful site to discuss the ways and means of how to get along better (with anyone), handle a break up, jealousy, insecurities, unplanned pregnancies, all of it. I believe that just keeping a plant alive is work, and when it blooms the beauty brings gratitude and peace.

 

 

... but surely some relationships need so much work that it's really better off to be single? I agree all relationships need some work but if it's a cause of constant stress and anxiety, is it worth it? In that sort of relationship I don;t think "real love" ever comes into it.

[lizziebee]

Blen-the saga continues! We had another "argument" last night. And I would like to say right now, that I am the person that shuts down, he just keeps coming at me like a shark. He basically, from what I know about him lo these 6 months, he blames his distrust on his ex gf who he says cheated on him (she was also LDR) I am a simple person, I work, go on this site, watch Deadwood reruns and talk to him (this a.m. he called 8 times between 4 and 7am) What this is about is that we met on a dating website and he thinks when he can see me on his buddy list that I am on that site or some other. He comes out with such hurtful remarks, I mean these are really from left field! Well last night he started and I was almost expecting it and - I am not proud of this -I hung up on him. Yeah he called right back and was livid I had done so but I told him I cannot take the attacks anymore, either you figure out where the distrust REALLY is or let me go. I think that he thrives on attention from women and that is why he still has single accounts on AFF and Myspace and god knows where else...does it bother me? yeah. Have I told him? uh huh. but he manages to turn everything around to make me almost believe I have a man in my bed! I love this guy, but this is not the path I expected and it has been a long time since having to deal with male jealousy....thanks for all your input everyone!